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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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The other thing I would say is that before placement, thoughts about openness after placement are just guesses. I would be open to changes in the plan so to speak. After birth and after placement, birthparents may feel differently than they expected to feel. Set yourself up to roll with the punches.

Amen! Relationships are fluid, and the terms of contact are always subject to change, in every significant relationship that we have in life... the challenge in open adoption is to strike a happy balance between the needs of both sets of parents, in the best interests of the child they share.

Nobody can possibly predict before a major life loss what they'll need afterwards; how they'll adapt and when they'll recover. Birthparents may need time to regroup, and in keeping with Kubler-Ross's theory, they may bounce between stages of denial or sadness or anger or bargaining or acceptance for months (or years) after relinquishment.

Yet, when adoptive parents keep that door open and continually culture that garden of interest (even when they're getting little or no response), they nourish the possibilities that the birthfamily will survive that long, cold winter and that a relationship will blossom in time, enabling the child they all love so to reap a harvest of blessings in the end.

Whether that harvest is the joy that comes with a genuine and close personal relationship with one's birthfamily or even if it's just the comfort that comes with knowing your parents never abandoned hope of providing you with reconnection to that birthfamily, your child will thank you, in time!

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Amen! Relationships are fluid, and the terms of contact are always subject to change, in every significant relationship that we have in life... the challenge in open adoption is to strike a happy balance between the needs of both sets of parents, in the best interests of the child they share.

Paul and I were a bit concerned about open adoption at first, because of a personal experience in my family. We read books, listened to what other families said and understood that Open Adoption is about what's best for the child. Unfortunately, we don't have any contact with Mike's birthfamily. I pray every day that some day his first mom's life will be in a place where she can feel comfortable calling us. Mikey has many people who love him around aside from our family, our "tribe" of friends have given Mikey ton's of honorary aunts and uncles. But I know that someday my little peanut will start asking questions, and all I can hope for is that God will guide us so we can have the best answers.

Perhaps we can then put him in touch with other birthmoms who can help him understand his own first mom's decision.

Edited by waitingforanangel
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Jason and Jen, one thing I forgot to mention is that we have no contact with our oldest daughter's family other than we send info to the agency and they forward it. I have very few details to share with Arianna when she begins to ask specific questions. If this situation continues we will just share with her that it is too difficult for D to share in her life and that we love her and pray for her and hope that maybe one day that pain will lessen and she will be in a place where she feels she can contact us. I did request some pictures and info in our last letter, but I haven't heard from her. I will send another set of pics soon along with a letter updating her on Arianna's life with us. We had one 10 minute conversation a month or so after placement and that has been it. It would be great for more one day, but all we can do is work on our end and hope for a change on hers in the future.

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  • 2 weeks later...

New, on PBS: Open Adoptions. Check it out and tell us what you think!

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I loved the statement "placed because of LOVE" b/c I know that our bp loves TY that much to choose a better way & life for him.

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"Sarah Kastner feels too many people still believe birth parents who give up their child for adoption do it out of neglect or apathy.

Ms. KASTNER: You give him up for adoption out of love, not out of, like, selfishness, that you just don’t want to be responsible, and I think that’s what a lot of people don’t understand. Like, I have had to explain that a lot. "

Augh!!! This is so true!! A lot of people don't get it and its so fusterating having to explain that I keep in contact because I placed out of love and I always want Colby to know he's loved and I always want to know how he is because I do love him. She mentions it too, the wondering, she'd wonder all the time how Bo was if she didn't have an open adoption. It still seems so many people think you place to just "get rid of the baby"- thats not whats under most adoptions, thats what abortions are.

I'm glad open adoption has been getting some postive attention! I'm glad the rest of the world is catching on! (Now if only they'd learn the difference in giving up and placing... :rolleyes: )

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The media needs educating. He kept saying "giving up". I thought it was good to have the word getting out there and the focus on the process being nothing to be ashamed about. Trasformational is the key word... we aren't living in the stone ages and we need to get to the point where things make sense for our generation, although open adoption has truly been around for many years... much longer than the 1980's I think. I'm hispanic and Grandparent's raise their childrens kids, while the parent still plays an "open" role in the child's life. In my opinion, this is much like open adoption, except sometimes the paperwork isn't official.

Claudia

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Claudia, you're right: what they call "kinship adoption" has many common attributes with open adoption, because both recognize the importance of continued attachments with one's "family of origin." It's not such much about bloodlines as it is maintaining healthy roots and remembering that all growing things must be firmly rooted in order to thrive... children, too!

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Why choose open adoption? Because years down the road when your child is older you can experience the joy I felt today. My soon-to-be 11 year old daughter floated down the hallway with an enormous smile on her face this afternoon. That smile is still there. Why? Because her birthmom called and she got to chat with her. What a blessing today has been for Maggie.

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  • 2 months later...

We have a very open relationship with our son's birthmother and her family. We visited them in Kansas last fall, and it was amazing. I think it was really good for his birthmother to see him in person and know that he is loved and happy. And it's good for our son because he will always know who she is.

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  • 11 months later...

My niece, a college freshman, is writing a persuasive speech about open adoption for her speech class (Yes, I'm very proud she chose this topic!) She e-mailed and asked me to share some of my perspective, which I was very glad to do. I thought I would post it here as it gives a brief summary of why we chose open adoption for our family.

Both of our adoptions are open meaning that we have regular contact with their birth families through pictures, letters, e-mails, phone calls and visits. We believe that open adoption is beneficial for the child in that they can know the family they came from. That family is a part of them, and they can know who they look like, where they get certain characteristics, health history, etc. They can also ask questions directly to their birthparents (I'll abbreviate BPs) about their adoption decision. Most importantly they can know that their birth families love them. They do not have to feel like they weren't loved or wanted. They can know that their BPs were not able or ready to take care of them at that point in their life, but it's not because they didn't love them. We never wanted our children to have to wonder these things or to have their birthfamilies be a mystery. We didn't want them to have to go searching for their birth families one day. We wanted them to always know them and always have them be a part of their lives.

Open adoption is beneficial for the BPs in that they get to choose the adoptive family for their child. They also have ongoing contact to know that their child is happy, healthy, and doing well. BPs don't just forget their child and move on. This is a very painful and traumatic decision that requires great love and courage. While seeing their child with his/her new parents may open some wounds, most BPs share that it is helpful for them to have a relationship with their child and to see for themselves that their child is doing well.

As for the adoptive parents, open adoption helps us to raise our child as a whole person, knowing all aspects of their story and history. It helps us to understand and appreciate them and the unique characteristics they have because of the family they came from. We enjoy the friendship we have with their BPs, and are grateful to them for the choices they made. It does not make us feel any less of a parent to our child. Our kid's BPs don't tell us how to raise them, they don't correct or discipline our kids, they don't "interfere" in our lives. They chose us and entrusted us to be the parents. Knowing them takes away the mystery, the secrecy and sometimes fear that can accompany a closed adoption.

Our children are not confused about who their "real" parents are. (I don't even like the words "real" because in a sense, we--parents and BPs--are all real. We are not imaginary! And both sets of parents are important in who the child is and becomes) But as far as knowing who Mommy and Daddy are, they are not confused. As they grow, they are able understand the roles and relationships of lots of people in their lives....grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and BPs...and no one relationship takes away from the other. Also, they are able to love and receive love from lots of people. No one can have too many people who love them, right?!

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Did you write her speach? B):lol: WEll said!

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  • 5 months later...

Why I love open adoption. :) The article "A Stroll into the Possible"

http://mymindonpaper.wordpress.com/

Heather

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THANK YOU SO MUCH for sharing that!

Why I love open adoption. :) The article "A Stroll into the Possible"

http://mymindonpaper.wordpress.com/

Heather

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  • 2 months later...

Ryan & I had to break the news to his 16 yo daughter about our adoption plan. We didn't expect anything negative but with teenage girls & their emotions you never know... Anyway, Ryan was so nervous. We took her out to dinner to tell her. He told her how we had discussed adoption from the very beginning of engagement & we have decided that now is the time. She quickly looks up from her smartphone from which she was texting and says, "Oh, like on MTV's '16 & Pregnant'? They did an open adoption where all the families knew each other & hung out & it was cool."

So there you have it, just tune into MTV & they will do the legwork for you. Oh, and yes, she was excited & even joked about when she becomes a big sister, she will tell the baby, you know I'M really your mom! Having 2 BFFs who are adoptees of open adoptions, I have seen the positive effects & know this is the best choice for our family.

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Ryan & I had to break the news to his 16 yo daughter about our adoption plan. We didn't expect anything negative but with teenage girls & their emotions you never know... Anyway, Ryan was so nervous. We took her out to dinner to tell her. He told her how we had discussed adoption from the very beginning of engagement & we have decided that now is the time. She quickly looks up from her smartphone from which she was texting and says, "Oh, like on MTV's '16 & Pregnant'? They did an open adoption where all the families knew each other & hung out & it was cool."

So there you have it, just tune into MTV & they will do the legwork for you. Oh, and yes, she was excited & even joked about when she becomes a big sister, she will tell the baby, you know I'M really your mom! Having 2 BFFs who are adoptees of open adoptions, I have seen the positive effects & know this is the best choice for our family.

What a wonderful response to your news! Built in babysitter, I'd say. :)

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Great News Evelyn & Ryan! We have a daughter that is turning 20 tomorrow (from Denver's previous marriage). When I married Denver, I also became a mother to a 10 year old (she has always lived with her dad). So when we started the adoption process she was thrilled. She loves her baby brother and he loves her. It melts my heart when he sees her and he gets so excited. She lives on her own now and she is always calling to check on him or to see if she can watch him for a few hours here and there. She is always happy to have him but always glad to be able to give him back. :lol: She said she can definitely tell she does not want any children for a long time. lol Which I'm glad to hear, she needs to finish college. I believe your daughter will be thrilled to have a baby brother/sister and be so excited "when" it happens. So happy for your growing family. Looking forward to following your journey.

Blessings,

Tracey

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That is great news Ryan & Evelyn!! I know how anxious and nervous you were to share your news that you were planning on adopting a baby. I have two step daughters who are now 24 and 21 and we were not sure how they were going to take the news either. They knew from the time that I married their father that we wanted to add more children to our family but seeing that it took so long We had been married 10 years when Garrett was born) I was worreid that they did not want any more siblings. I was WRONG!! They both adore their baby brother!! We don't get to see our youngest daughter as much as she lives on her own and in a different city but our oldest daughter can't get enough of him! She even tries to talk us into going somewhere without him so she can babysit! It is an awesome sight to see the two of them together.

Tracy she also tells us she loves him but she is not ready for any of her own, yet! Which is ok with us right now!

Can't wait to follow your journey to add a new baby into your wonderful family!!

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Thanks to all who are sharing their stories with us regarding current sibilings! We were so relieved by her response. Big sis lives with her mommy primarily but we are anticipating more visits "when" we have placement. Happy Holidays to all!

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