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ElizabethAnn

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BRAVO TINA!!!

I would love to have been a fly on the wall in that class!!! Good job girl!!

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Woo-hoo Tina! You rock!!

I'm so proud of you and happy you did that. I know exactly how hard it is, because I have a big old mouth. But you never know the effect you are having on people. Some hearts were changed, I'm sure!

Good for you!!

Kay

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At the end of class, some friends came over to tell me they love me because I am so honest and forthright. "You just tell it like it is". . .:unsure::ph34r:

Way to go, Tina :lol: I, too, have a habit of being honest with people. Not everyone always appreciates it, but that's me and how I was raised. Considering how mad you were inside, it sounds like you somehow managed to stay calm and be professional in front of others when you really wanted to scream! Way to go in making a good impression on others about a personal subject!

Good job!

Cathy

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Tina, just let me know if you ever need backup! I am sure I could make an appearance...and I am not good at keeping my mouth shut, either!

I really wish we could have contact with D for Arianna's sake. In this last letter I sent, I asked her to at least have the agency help her call me. When I talked to her last year, she had mentioned an annual visit, but she hasn't contacted the agency about it. I relish my conversations with Nichole's birthmom, even though I can tell that they still pain her. I figure she wants to know, and if it isn't a good day for her to talk to me, she keeps it quite short. I try to follow her lead. Sometimes the calls are better than others.

We can't make everyone see our point of view, we can only explain to them what we do and why. Hopefully this adoptive family will get a clue and will open their minds.

Tina, you are welcome at my church anytime!

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Thanks ya'll!

I was VERY nervous about this topic. It is extremely personal, and every situation is different, so I don't want to sound like I am "pushing my opinions" on others. I understand that boundaries do have to be in place, and not every person can respect those boundaries. I also know that for some people, contact is just not reasonable due to many different factors. I just honestly believe that SOME contact is better than none.

It helped to know that I would have the support of my forum family in case the whole situation came crashing down around my ears! (Plus, I knew I would be disappointed in myself if I let it go.)

I would LOVE for some of you to come and visit our church and have a discussion some day, but baby steps. Let's see what the repercussions are of our discussion this morning! ;)

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Tina,

I commend you on trying to educate people about open adoption. People really have to stop being afraid and open their minds as to what is best for the child.

All I can say is thank goodness you spoke up.

Linda

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Great job Tina. I really believe that you were put there to educate some people that needed educating. And maybe, just maybe the other APs will have a little spark in their heart and maybe they will eventually come around to the idea because of what you said. Wouldn't that be amazing for everyone involved? I really believe that people sometimes cross our paths for a reason and maybe these APs are supposed to cross your path for a reason!! Thanks for doing "open adoption" proud!! :D

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You are amazing Tina!!!

I am so thrilled that the spirit moved you so and that you spoke out! You really spoke from the heart, and about your own personal experience, and that is what I believe can really change people's hearts. You may never know the chord that you struck in the hearts of others yesterday. You probably planted a lot of seeds that may not germinate right away, but may in the long term. I cannot wait to hear what happens next... You give us all the strength and courage to have such conversations with the folks in our lives when the time comes.

Susan

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Tina,

Thank you for sharing. I haven't read much over the holidays because we have had guests in town and so I had not read your previous posts. But I read through all of them and I just had to say thank you for speaking your mind. I am a person who usually speaks her mind, which is usually "against the flow", and therefore I usually find myself in an uncomfortable position. However, the older I get the more that I believe that this character attribute of mine is a blessing more than a flaw- as long as I am respectful in how I talk to others- which you completely were! I know that stomach renching feeling that comes along with what you did- but as another adoptive mother who loves her birthfamily very much and is so thankful to have contact THANK YOU!

Bobbi

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Tina,

I'm angry that you had to go through this. You basically had to defend a position that, in my opinion, needs no defense: Your relationship with your child's birthparents. What makes this doubly infuriating is that you had to do this in church.

For some reason, this couple seems to deserve more sympathy and prayers than the young woman who gave birth to their child and is obviously struggling with loss. If there is any prayer to be said here (besides the most necessary one of all: for the birthmother), it is for this adoptive family to begin to understand the pain that created their family and for enlightenment and love to creep into their tiny little brains and stone-cold hearts (sorry about that; a little bit of anger just creeped out!).

God bless you for speaking out. I hope you changed some minds and opened some hearts on Sunday. In the meantime, I'll pray for this family to find a little tolerance. I'll also pray for you and yours to discover some peace in God's house so that you can learn and worship free of the kind of angst that you have been experiencing.

All our best,

John

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Tina, reading your post about the experience in church was really inspiring. It's wonderful to hear how strongly you believe in open adoption.

The Abrazo chicks and the friends from our group (Indecision07) might remember that when Paul and I started working with Abrazo I had serious doubts about open adoption due to something that happened in my family and of which I will eventually write about. However, reading about all the families and the relationships they have with the BP, has convinced me about its benefits for the babies, and for the both, the BP and AP's.

I want to share something that happened to me tonight. I met Governor Tom Vilsak (former Gov. of Iowa), who is in Las Vegas helping us with the campaign. A friend and I (we're both immigrants) were talking to him about the growth of the immigrant population in Iowa. He said he had implemented a program in IA when he was governor to help immigrants feel welcome, help them navigate the system, learn English, etc. What he said next are words I'll never forget. He told us: "it's important to mantain a connection to your roots. You are very lucky to know where you came from. I was an orphan, so I never knew where I came from". He said he thought he might have some Irish background "because of a letter he once received" (he didn't say from whom, but it sounded like from someone who might have known his BP).

To see this tall, grown man who symbolizes so much of why I'm in politics say those words was very powerful.

We all need to know where we came from, because when you don't, it will mark you for life.

Gov. Vilsak is a very succesful man now-- he is one of the most respected figures in the Democratic party and he's accomplished so much...wouldn't it be great if his BPs could have seen how far he's gone?

It was really a breathtaking moment.

Edited by waitingforanangel
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Tina, reading your post about the experience in church was really inspiring. It's wonderful to hear how strongly you believe in open adoption.

The Abrazo chicks and the friends from our group (Indecision07) might remember that when Paul and I started working with Abrazo I had serious doubts about open adoption due to something that happened in my family and of which I will eventually write about. However, reading about all the families and the relationships they have with the BP, has convinced me about its benefits for the babies, and for the both, the BP and AP's.

I want to share something that happened to me tonight. I met Governor Tom Vilsak (former Gov. of Iowa), who is in Las Vegas helping us with the campaign. A friend and I (we're both immigrants) were talking to him about the growth of the immigrant population in Iowa. He said he had implemented a program in IA when he was governor to help immigrants feel welcome, help them navigate the system, learn English, etc. What he said next are words I'll never forget. He told us: "it's important to mantain a connection to your roots. You are very lucky to know where you came from. I was an orphan, so I never knew where I came from". He said he thought he might have some Irish background "because of a letter he once received" (he didn't say from whom, but it sounded like from someone who might have known his BP).

To see this tall, grown man who symbolizes so much of why I'm in politics say those words was very powerful.

We all need to know where we came from, because when you don't, it will mark you for life.

Gov. Vilsak is a very succesful man now-- he is one of the most respected figures in the Democratic party and he's accomplished so much...wouldn't it be great if his BPs could have seen how far he's gone?

It was really a breathtaking moment.

What a moving story. Thanks so much for sharing it.

Thanks for the words of support John. I wish I could speak with your eloquence!

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I need help. I have been talking to a friend about open adoption. Her husaband and her have been waiting with another agency for over three years. They had a failed placement in April. Before that time they were very afraid of open adoption. The match that there were a part of was a open relationship, now they are very afaid. She has asked me to email her explaining how open adoption really works.

I know how ours goes, but I thought I could give her words from others. She has asked for the best books to read about open adoption.

Anyone willing to give me words to give her to help educate her.

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Melissa,

Angela recommended that Ernie and I read "The Open Adoption Experience" before orientation. After we read it we were ready for our own open adoption experience ;) .

Edited by Gina
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This is part of the email that I just sent my friend:

"Let me start at the beginning of our open adoption story.

The agency we worked with contacted me at school and told me that they had a family that wanted to talk to us about possible placement of their baby. I called them from school and talked to both mom and dad. That night Chris talked to them both also. They asked us some questions, we asked them some. It was a getting to know you call. The next day the agency called to tell us that they chose us to be the parents of their unborn baby. That was Aug.27th. We talked to each other, normally me and the birth mom sometimes Chris joined in, about once a week. During those calls we talked about her kids, her day to day life, sometimes more in depth things but we never really talked about the growing baby. We were building our relationship with each phone call.

We visited in Oct. for a weekend. We got to meet her kids, his kids and her mom and sister. We had a wonderful weekend. They took us sight-seeing etc.

We came home feeling closer to them then before we left. They were and are a awesome family.

Grace Ann was born the 19th of Nov. but the doctors thought she was coming early so we got to TX on the 2nd of Nov. We would go and visit them almost every day leading up to the birth. At the hospital the nurses couldn't figure out who we were. They said the way we all acted we had to be family and they were right, we were family.

They signed away their rights two days later while we stood outside crying. I knew I was going home happy and she was going home unhappy. It didn't seem fair to me that one mother had to do so much just to make my dreams come true. I struggled and still do with that fact. I am not worthy for someone to go through such grieve to make me a mother.

After we were released, we were still in TX waiting to here the news that we could go home. We were there until the 10th of Dec. During our days there, my parents and his parents came down to meet Grace Ann and to meet Monica and Ronnie. Chris, Grace Ann and I spent our first Thanksgiving with them. The memories I have from that time spent with them are so sweet.

Once we got home until now, we still try to talk once a week.

When Grace Ann does something new, they are the first people I tell. They are so proud of her and love her so. Now that she is getting older, it is so sweet to hear her talk to them on the phone, to hear her tell them that she loves them.

People ask me all the time do I get jealous when she tells them she loves them and I always answer no. She has room in her heart for so many people. She does love them dearly. They gave her life when it could have been so easy to do something else.

People also ask me if I am afraid of her "real"parents. I always answer how could I? They did something for me that no matter how hard I tried I couldn't do. They searched in their hearts and made an agonizing decision

I am so thankful that not only did Monica and Ronnie help make us a family, I am thankful that they are our part of that family. I can't imagine doing an adoption any other way."

I am hoping she can overcome her fears and realize what a blessing she might miss.

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Very nice letter Melissa. Ask your friend to visit the forum and read about open adoption from many and how it has enriched all our lives.

Tina way to go on speaking your mind. Next time the parishoners say a prayer for you why not ask them to say a prayer for the other AP's birthfamily, who gave so much.

Char

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In addition to The Open Adoption Experience, I recommend Children of Open Adoption by Kathleen Silber and Patricia Dorner. As I recall, it was good and very easy to read.

Would you be able to invite her to join the Forum to see all the things that are discussed? If not, could you PM the authors of several of the posts on this and other threads for permission to copy them and email their words verbatim?

I don't have contact with Kate's birthmom as often as many on here, nor as close a relationship, but what we have I cherish. I also am so glad for all the information I have, as well as having the chance to have spent time with her birthmother in person. Not only can I tell my daughter that I hugged her birthmother and laughed and cried with her and promised to take good care of her (Kate), but I can also tell her that her birthmother had a beautiful smile and a good sense of humor, etc. I also have an avenue for finding answers to her questions as she grows and wonders about her identity.

Here's how our relationship is: We had a short match, but met and spent time with Kate's birthmom a few weeks before Kate was born and during her hospital stay. At this time, we have sporadic communication with Kate's birthmom through the mail. She has our names, address, and phone #, but she responds to us, rather than initiating contact. For the first time in 2 years, we received a phone call from Kate's birthmom but weren't home to talk with her. We very much hope that she'll call again as soon as she's able. We have also recently established contact with her birth grandmother. It means so much to me to be able to tell the woman who entrusted me with her child how well that child is doing; to share her accomplishments and every day details. Selfishly, it also makes me overjoyed to know that she thinks we are good parents and that she is so glad she chose us. There is comfort and relief and joy in sharing both directions.

I am not uneasy about sharing my full name or address etc. (At least not after having been educated about open adoption. ) I think that one of the above books goes into a bit about fear - and I think that fear of the unknown is worse than being able to deal with known facts. Those who harbor fears about open adoption, who are scared of birthparents finding them, or coming back for the baby, will still be afraid with a closed adoption, I think-- they just won't know who to fear. They may wonder if someone is looking for them, or if every stranger could be their child's BP. It is not the case with open adoption. In a strange turn of events, open adoption takes away the fear, leaving people to live much more easily. (Not that there are never issues, mind you, but there are in any relationship.)

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Hi Melissa,

You are so sweet to offer support to your friend. I hope she is getting the necessary counseling from her current agency after having been through a failed match? or placement? (not sure which, as they are very different emotionally)

The most powerful statement/question, for me, when I was learning about open adoption and had so many irrational fears was:

If you can put yourself in Birthparent's shoes, would you want to know where your child is? how your child is? and that all is good because of your placement decision? These were so easy for me to answer, of course I would, in fact I would not have it any other way. Seeing the other side helped me to understand the bigger picture so much better.

Best of luck to your friend. Maybe she would like to join us here on the forum, please let her know she is welcome. :)

Karen

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Melissa,

That was an awesome letter!

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