Open Adoption

[monicaedwards]

A new study shows that secrecy in adoption has lasting negative effects on adoptees. Read more, from the Evan B. Donaldson Adoption Institute newsletter:

AUSTRALIAN STUDY FINDS SECRECY HAS NEGATIVE IMPACT ON ADOPTEES

An Australian study investigated the impact that openness or secrecy in family communication about adoption had on 144 adopted adults. It found that those who experienced greater secrecy felt less close to their adoptive parents, perceived their parents as less caring and more controlling, and experienced more loneliness within the family. "Secrecy within Adoptive Families and Its Impact on Adult Adoptees," by Nola Passmore, Judy Feeney and Alex Foulstone was published in a newsletter, Family Relationships Quarterly (Number 5, 2007). Adoptees who found out about their adoptions later in life often felt a sense of betrayal and, for some, the trust issues transferred into relationships outside the family. To access the article, go to: http://www.aifs.gov.au/afrc/pubs/newslette...r5.html#secrecy

I definitely believe this to be true. I was talking with a woman last week who was completing her and her husband's application for Abrazo. She asked me when we plan to tell Ella about her Adoption experience. I told her that I talk about it with Ella all the time. I realize that she can't understand yet but I never want there to be a time when she didn't know. I don't want her to have some memory of the trauma of finding out.

I have a friend who found out she was adopted when she went to get her medical records to get into college. Her file had "Adopted" stamped across it. She thought it was a mistake so called her mother and jokingly said "Guess what I found out today...I found out that I'm adopted." Instead of laughing and saying it was a mistake her mother said "Who told you?" She of course felt a little betrayed because they'd never told her; especially since she knew that her brother was adopted. I know this was considered the right thing to do years ago but I hope we have learned from those mistakes.

[ElizabethAnn]

I am absolutely amazed when we find out that couples who adopted with us YEARS ago have not yet told their children they're adopted.

Strike that-- I'm appalled. :angry:

Our placement agreements "require" that folks begin telling the adoption story from the day they take their baby home from here. That's NOT because Abrazo wants good press. It's because we want the babies we've placed and the families we placed them with to be so comfortable with those beginnings that there's never EVER been a time that Chapter One was a secret.

Obviously, little tiny babies aren't going to "get" what their new parents are talking about.

But hopefully, the telling and retelling of the story will ensure that those parents are so comfortable with it that by the time the child is old enough to understand, they'll both be totally okay (and totally at ease) with how they came to be together!!

[Brian and Cathy]

I am absolutely amazed when we find out that couples who adopted with us YEARS ago have not yet told their children they're adopted.

Strike that-- I'm appalled. :angry:

Our placement agreements "require" that folks begin telling the adoption story from the day they take their baby home from here.

I guess you could say I'm surprised to hear that, Elizabeth I guess I assumed that going through Abrazo, everyone realized this is an open adoption agency

Cathy

[ElizabethAnn]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

[Brian and Cathy]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

If it were up to my dad, he would want us to wait until our child turned 18 But, it's not up to him

Cathy

[Teena & Joe]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

Elizabeth, that's sad to hear. two of my cousins were adopted back in the 60's and my aunt and uncle told them as soon as they were old enough to understand. it must have been very young, because I can remember my cousin as a four-year-old and she talked about it even then. but I love your recommendation to tell the child from the very beginning so that we get used to telling the story and get super comfortable with it.

One of my cousins I mention above wants to adopt, too, and so she and her husband are closely watching our adoption process. Same thing with a couple of friends of ours. I think you might just have a Kentucky contingent on your hands once we have our baby! You said that's how it usually starts. With one couple.

I have a question - my aunt and uncle were told by the state agencies where they adopted so many years ago to never try to get their children to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy or any other mythical character because when they later found out it was make-believe, it would upset them more because they were adopted.

I never understood that reasoning, but it was a subject brought up many times in my family growing up. As in, "Don't tell your cousins that there is a Santa Claus" etc, etc.

I haven't ever seen it mentioned in adoption books. Did the state agency simply make that up? Or is that something they used to tell families in closed adoptions?

[S&P Express]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

If it were up to my dad, he would want us to wait until our child turned 18 But, it's not up to him

Cathy

Hey Cathy,

Some times parents don't understand the whole openess thing, one of the best things that happened to us was we brought my parents to Camp Abrazo, after that weekend they finally said they got it. (My brother has also adopted through Abrazo), they said it was nice to talk to the Abrazo staff and other parents may it be adoptive or birthparents it really didn't matter.

They learned so much that weekend, they saw a match in the making and the emotions that were involved with the match. They saw the Abrazo family come together as one big family.

Paula

[Brian and Cathy]

Hey Cathy,

Some times parents don't understand the whole openess thing. . .

Paula

Paula,

I'm sure this is true--especially since closed adoption was pretty much the only option in the past. My dad has admitted he thinks part of it is because he has watched too many negative stories about adoption on TV. I told his girlfriend I will share many articles and books that we read so he can see why we chose open adoption

Cathy

[gtteacherinsa]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

Elizabeth, that's sad to hear. two of my cousins were adopted back in the 60's and my aunt and uncle told them as soon as they were old enough to understand. it must have been very young, because I can remember my cousin as a four-year-old and she talked about it even then. but I love your recommendation to tell the child from the very beginning so that we get used to telling the story and get super comfortable with it.

One of my cousins I mention above wants to adopt, too, and so she and her husband are closely watching our adoption process. Same thing with a couple of friends of ours. I think you might just have a Kentucky contingent on your hands once we have our baby! You said that's how it usually starts. With one couple.

I have a question - my aunt and uncle were told by the state agencies where they adopted so many years ago to never try to get their children to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy or any other mythical character because when they later found out it was make-believe, it would upset them more because they were adopted.

I never understood that reasoning, but it was a subject brought up many times in my family growing up. As in, "Don't tell your cousins that there is a Santa Claus" etc, etc.

I haven't ever seen it mentioned in adoption books. Did the state agency simply make that up? Or is that something they used to tell families in closed adoptions?

One reason we decided to go the open route is because Marc's first cousin was adopted. He has tried in vain to find information about his birthparents and it has been very hard on him and his APs.

Why put a child through that? Every child needs the opportunity to know about their roots. I think we just have to start walking and talking the open adoption way. We can change those non-believers' minds.

[Teena & Joe]

One reason we decided to go the open route is because Marc's first cousin was adopted. He has tried in vain to find information about his birthparents and it has been very hard on him and his APs.

Why put a child through that? Every child needs the opportunity to know about their roots. I think we just have to start walking and talking the open adoption way. We can change those non-believers' minds.

Daryn, I agree so much. One of my cousins was just a year younger than me and when we would have sleepovers, she'd lay there and whisper to me that she wondered so much about the woman who gave birth to her. She said she was going to find her as soon as she was 18. She never told anyone other than me about her desires to know about her birth family. She was afraid that telling her mom and dad would hurt their feelings.

Now that she's 38, she still hasn't ever looked for her birthparents. She still worries that it will upset her family.

Her brother, who is older than me, is always trying to speculate on who his Hawaiian birth family might be, but he's never officially done a search.

Watching my cousins has really taught me about the need for open adoption. No secrets.

Edited September 18, 2007 by Teena & Joe

[gtteacherinsa]

Watching my cousins has really taught me about the need for open adoption. No secrets.

That's why I love Abrazo so much. I have been talking them up since orientation. I get some strange looks when I say "open adoption" but I'm trying to educate instead of ignoring the looks. I figure if I educate now, I won't have to deal with the same things from the same people again. Once I explain all I have learned about open adoption and how it is good for the whole triad people really seem to come around.

[MarkLaurie]

I really agree with the "no secrets" concept. They eventually come out - and usually at the worst time - lead to feelings of betrayal and unneccessary guilt and shame.

Although we are not able to have the kind of openness we desire with our daughter's birthmother, it is awesome to see openness work even at the level of our soon-to-be 2 year-old. At least once a week she points to the little red scrapbook on her shelf in her room, saying "baby". She flips through the pages and on most occassions she will point to her birthmother and call her by name. It's not the ideal (being able to look face-to-face and call her by name), but we can always hope for what the future may hold.

[John&Nina]

I really agree with the "no secrets" concept. They eventually come out - and usually at the worst time - lead to feelings of betrayal and unneccessary guilt and shame.

Although we are not able to have the kind of openness we desire with our daughter's birthmother, it is awesome to see openness work even at the level of our soon-to-be 2 year-old. At least once a week she points to the little red scrapbook on her shelf in her room, saying "baby". She flips through the pages and on most occassions she will point to her birthmother and call her by name. It's not the ideal (being able to look face-to-face and call her by name), but we can always hope for what the future may hold.

Laurie,

I agree with you. While we're terrible with photo albums (see Nina's blog on this), I do sit Hendrick on my lap and put on "slide shows" on the computer. When he sees his birthmother, he says her name. Also, every night during prayer time we mention her.

The cutest thing was one night when I left her out, he stopped me and said her name. Now, it's like a little game with us. At one point in the prayer, I say, "and..." and he'll chime in with his birthmother's name.

I wish he could hear her voice more often, so there was more of a connection there, but as you said, the future may bring that.

I honestly could not imagine not sharing his story with him. It's a great story. I hope he'll be as proud of it as we are.

[monicaedwards]

Yup. But talking the talk and walking the walk are apparently two VERY different things, sometimes.

Elizabeth, that's sad to hear. two of my cousins were adopted back in the 60's and my aunt and uncle told them as soon as they were old enough to understand. it must have been very young, because I can remember my cousin as a four-year-old and she talked about it even then. but I love your recommendation to tell the child from the very beginning so that we get used to telling the story and get super comfortable with it.

One of my cousins I mention above wants to adopt, too, and so she and her husband are closely watching our adoption process. Same thing with a couple of friends of ours. I think you might just have a Kentucky contingent on your hands once we have our baby! You said that's how it usually starts. With one couple.

I have a question - my aunt and uncle were told by the state agencies where they adopted so many years ago to never try to get their children to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy or any other mythical character because when they later found out it was make-believe, it would upset them more because they were adopted.

I never understood that reasoning, but it was a subject brought up many times in my family growing up. As in, "Don't tell your cousins that there is a Santa Claus" etc, etc.

I haven't ever seen it mentioned in adoption books. Did the state agency simply make that up? Or is that something they used to tell families in closed adoptions?

That sounds kind of of bizarre. Why would adopted children react any differently to it than others? I really wouldn't want to give up any of that with my child. I love my memories of believing in Santa, the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy.

[ElizabethAnn]

I have a question - my aunt and uncle were told by the state agencies where they adopted so many years ago to never try to get their children to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy or any other mythical character because when they later found out it was make-believe, it would upset them more because they were adopted. I haven't ever seen it mentioned in adoption books. Did the state agency simply make that up? Or is that something they used to tell families in closed adoptions?

That is the first I've ever heard of it-- but knowing that agencies historically encouraged adoptive parents to raise their adopted children to believe the myth that the adoption never happened, so why should myths like the Easter Bunny and Santa or the Tooth Fairy be any damaging?!?!

[Teena & Joe]

I have a question - my aunt and uncle were told by the state agencies where they adopted so many years ago to never try to get their children to believe in Santa or the Tooth Fairy or any other mythical character because when they later found out it was make-believe, it would upset them more because they were adopted. I haven't ever seen it mentioned in adoption books. Did the state agency simply make that up? Or is that something they used to tell families in closed adoptions?

That is the first I've ever heard of it-- but knowing that agencies historically encouraged adoptive parents to raise their adopted children to believe the myth that the adoption never happened, so why should myths like the Easter Bunny and Santa or the Tooth Fairy be any damaging?!?!

It is bizarre and I never questioned it as a kid. My cousins knew that that was why they weren't told about mythical Santas and Tooth Fairies. They never really questioned it, either. But I always wondered why that would matter because it didn't make sense.

[karen&scott]

The only thing I can add to this discussion is... my oldest daughter Amanda has a terrible time with things that are not true, such as the tooth fairy and santa claus. She absolutely needed to know the truth (at a young age). Somehow it scared her- to think about or to pretend to believe in something that is not true. She went so far as to tell us we lied to her about believing in something/someone that wasn't real. Of course her sensitivities are more intense than most children.

She also watches the early news most nights because she has to know what real life stuff is going on in the world. She talks to her teachers about current events, news stories, weather and the price of gas, when other kids do not know what she is talking about. Of course her news time and tv time is limited and carefully monitored.

Karen

[monicaedwards]

The only thing I can add to this discussion is... my oldest daughter Amanda has a terrible time with things that are not true, such as the tooth fairy and santa claus. She absolutely needed to know the truth (at a young age). Somehow it scared her- to think about or to pretend to believe in something that is not true. She went so far as to tell us we lied to her about believing in something/someone that wasn't real. Of course her sensitivities are more intense than most children.

She also watches the early news most nights because she has to know what real life stuff is going on in the world. She talks to her teachers about current events, news stories, weather and the price of gas, when other kids do not know what she is talking about. Of course her news time and tv time is limited and carefully monitored.

Karen

Sounds like you might have a future Barbara Walters or world leader on your hands.

[Adam & Beth]

my oldest daughter Amanda has a terrible time with things that are not true, such as the tooth fairy and santa claus. She absolutely needed to know the truth (at a young age).

Karen

What? The toothfairy, not real-- okay.. But what's this about SANTA?????!

-A

[andy]

Hey Cathy,

Some times parents don't understand the whole openess thing. . .

Paula

Paula,

I'm sure this is true--especially since closed adoption was pretty much the only option in the past. My dad has admitted he thinks part of it is because he has watched too many negative stories about adoption on TV. I told his girlfriend I will share many articles and books that we read so he can see why we chose open adoption

Cathy

I just found this thread so I am late with my comment but... I wanted to share that I have banned "Lifetime" movies on adoption from my mother's viewing. Way too many negative stories which unfortunately usually portray birthparents (usually birthmothers) in a negative light. I have to tell her it is a DRAMA not real life. She always reminds me but it is based on a true story! huh!! Luckily, she has no concerns about our birthparents and asks for them often! But still manages to be concerned about open adoption in general!! I guess time will keep showing her the relationship works for us!

[karen&scott]

Hi Andy,

Sometimes our childs' grandparents need to understand (like we do) that we are not raising someone else's child...only to be reclaimed later by their birthparents. We, as parents, know our children are exactly where they are mean't to be... by their birthparents' blessing at placement - either by direct contact or indirectly through Abrazo.

Our child's birthparents want us to raise our child as our own... and when we do there is no need to fear them or open adoption.

It does take time...grandparents sometimes have to see it to believe it... since most of them were not present for the actual miracle of placement or able to witness the bond of trust that is built through open adoption.

Too many fears can overshadow the simplicity of open adoption.

In the beginning, my Mom used to look over the pictures I would send to our daughter's birthmom, she would say things like...maybe that's too many photos or look at that one-it is too cute, that one might hurt her too much to see...HELLO?????

The good news is my Mom really really does understand now...I have faith your Mom will too!

Karen

[Adam & Beth]

What has been really interesting to me is that my mother-in-law (Beth's dad remarried recently) ,who is adopted herself, has been having a really hard time with our level of openness. You can sense the uneasy feelings when we talk about our contact with "C". She supports our adoption and is happy for us, she is just concerned that something "Could" happen even though we have tried to put her mind at rest many, many times. -AdamWhat has been really interesting to me is that my new mother-in-law (Beth's dad remarried recently) ,who is adopted herself, has been having a really hard time with our level of openness. You can sense the uneasy feelings when we talk about our contact with "C". She supports our adoption and is happy for us, she is just concerned that something "Could" happen even though we have tried to put her mind at rest many, many times. -Adam

[karen&scott]

Adam,

Sometimes adoptees fear what they themselves do not have...Grandpa Bruce was much like that too. Now (as you know) his perspective is much different.)

Karen

[Adam & Beth]

Adam,

Sometimes adoptees fear what they themselves do not have...Grandpa Bruce was much like that too. Now (as you know) his perspective is much different.)

Karen

Thanks Karen. Nice summation and I agree. I think in time, it'll get easier for her.

-A

[karen&scott]

Adam,

What a gift you are (indirectly) giving to your mother-in-law by showing her (by your actions more than your words) that you and Beth totally embrace everything about your child, including his beginnings... and that his birthparents are not to be feared, not now and not ever.

I am betting she is closely observing and most probably is (or will be) admiring your openness!

In time, she will SEE for herself, through her eyes (not her ears).

Karen