Wow! I can't believe I've never seen or responded to this topic! For prospective birthparents out there, I'm a birthmother but did not place through Abrazo so question # 2 doesn't apply to me. I placed my daughter for adoption 21 years ago in a closed adoption (closed adoption wasn't my choice/preference but it was all that was offered at that time) through Gladney (wouldn't recommend them, I have a friend who adopted through Gladney and her viewpoint on adoption and how she handles her childrens' adoptions make me feel as though Gladney still hasn't caught up to what adoption needs to be like for adoptees, birthparents, & adoptive parents). I reunited with my daughter (I found her after spending 3 years on and off searching) a little over 2 years ago and it's been an amazing reunion - we're very close and it went much better than I could have ever anticipated).
Here are my answers to Elizabeth's questions:
1) This is why I needed to make adoption plans when I did...
I spent forever answering this question for my daughter because it was one of her first questions she asked me. I won't go into all the details but I do want to point out that at least for me, it wasn't just one reason and also, what I discovered when trying to answer that question honestly is that my reasons for placing her were totally shaped by my life experiences up to the point I became pregnant.
I was 17 when I got pregnant and it was the summer before my senior year of high school. I was using drugs when I got pregnant and my circle of friends were people like me who were not in a good place in their lives. I now know why I was involved in all that stuff but mostly, it had to do with masking the pain I felt emotionally at that time (it didn't work). I stopped using drugs once my pregnancy was confirmed at around 4 - 6 weeks. However, I had been using drugs off and on since I was 12 so I still felt very vulnerable and unsure about the permanency of my new relationship (or lack of) with drugs and friends who used drugs. My parents were divorced and I lived with my mom who worked 2 jobs. We were not on welfare but did not have any extra money at all so I knew that it would be a major struggle for all of us and I wanted my baby to never know what it was like to struggle financially. To me, that equated to a life like I was experiencing and it wasn't a good one so I wanted her to have a better one (for example, my mom started working 2 jobs when I was 10 years old, I had very little parental supervision and ended up hanging around with people who were like me and that's when I became involved with all the bad stuff I look back on now and cringe). I wanted her to have a mom and dad and did not want her to be raised by a single parent. I'm not knocking those people who are single parents, as I've become older, I know that being raised in a single parent home does not mean someone will experience the life I did being raised in a single parent home...but to me, all I knew then was what life was like for me being raised by only my mom and I didn't want her to experience that. I imagined this ideal home environment with parents who had waited and waited for this dream baby and were able to take care of her emotionally, financially, etc etc etc and I felt I couldn't do that as well as they could. I wanted to go to college and make a better life for myself and my future children and I felt that I couldn't do that if I parented her because I would be working so much and it would be this endless cycle. Also, I felt that a stepfather would likely be in her future since I knew her birthfather and I were no more. I worried that once her stepfather and I had children together that she would feel left out and have a hard time "sharing" me with him and our children since she and I would have a special bond since it was just the two of us on our own for a period of time. There are all sorts of other smaller reasons as well as lengthier and more detailed reasons but this is it in a nutshell.
2) This is how I found Abrazo & why I chose this agency...
Doesn't apply to me but I can say that if I were faced with an unplanned pregnancy now, Abrazo is the only agency I would consider and trust. I love them!!!
3) This is how my decisions have benefitted my child...
My daughter has had so many experiences in her life that she would have never had if I would have parented her. She is attending college and her parents pay for every penny of it including her car, living expenses, and private college tuition. She has no idea what a benefit that is (I put myself through college and struggled every step of the way - it took me 7 years to finish...she'll probably finish in about 3 1/2 years). She's only had 1 job and it was just for a summer and she didn't like it so she hasn't had a job since. She is able to 100% focus on school and just being a kid with no responsibilities. One day, she'll have responsibilities but I don't think it's ever a good thing to have too many too soon. She makes awesome grades, she's very smart and loves school and challenges. She spent a year living in Italy between high school and starting college - completely paid for and supported by her parents. She has a little brother who she absolutely loves so much and has told me numerous times she can't imagine life without him. They are really close and have such a great relationship! She grew up in a very safe neighborhood with a really good circle of friends who are still a very big part of her life. She is extremely close with her dad and he is the kind of dad I dreamed of having. They have traditions together (at Christmas, they always make shortbread together) and he is who she goes to for any sort of advice and he is always so neutral when he gives her advice. He is very patient with her (she questions everything) and is a wealth of knowledge. She would not have had this type of father if I would have parented her. She has had so many vacations to so many interesting places and so many memories from them and holidays and birthday parties, etc. She has so much good in her life and likes where she is at. I have no regrets. I will say though there are a few things that I perceive are related to my decision to place her. She has never said they are but I still feel as though being adopted has something to do with them. She has some trust issues and is really sensitive about relationships breaking up/falling apart (loss issues). I have these issues too and I wasn't adopted so just because you're not adopted doesn't mean you won't have issues but I do feel responsible for some of the issues she deals with.
4) This is the encouragement I'd offer others in my shoes...
With time comes healing. If you do decide to place your baby for adoption, it will be the most painful experience you will have in your life. The pain will be unbearable and for me, it felt like I absolutely could not handle it once it started and I didn't know what to do, I was scared to wake up every day because of how I felt. I ached tremendously for my daughter. There's nothing I can say to prepare you for what it actually feels like when you no longer have your baby with you. What I can say though is that with time, the rawness of that pain will ease gradually and you will find a way to live with your decision and find a place to put that pain where you are able to function once again. Then, over time you'll find that you're actually okay and years later, you'll look back and it will be impossible to remember exactly how it felt but you'll know it was overwhelming but you won't be able to completely capture that feeling again (thank goodness!) Only you know if placing your baby for adoption is the best option for you and your baby so feel free to listen to what everyone has to say but remember that it is your decision and whatever decision you make you will find a way to live with it and make it work (whether it be struggling to raise your child or struggling to cope with your grief and loss). Just know that you will be okay but it will take time.
Also, feel free to message me if you ever need someone to talk to...I'm always available to talk about adoption.
Lisa