Last night we attended our homegroup (a small group of people from church). Our current study is about knowing who you are in Christ. One of the exercises was to tell your children every day for a week that they are fearfully and wonderfully made just as they are. The wording of it reminded me very much of proper adoption language, and some discussions we have been having with Makenzie lately about where she came from. She has mentioned that she "misses M" (her first mom) and that she "wishes she could've come out of my tummy." I tell her that M misses her too, and that I am glad she didn't come from my tummy because I'm pretty sure she wouldn't have her wonderful voice if she came from me, or her beautiful green eyes, or her fabulous sense of balance, etc. etc.
So, I mentioned that I was an adoptive mom and that this is a discussion in our house a lot. My daughter is absolutely fearfully and wonderfully made. She is a unique person all to her own. Her first parents loved her SO MUCH that they shattered their own hearts just to give her the life they thought she deserves. I tell her often how God placed her with us. She is a special blessing.
Well, we are in a new group of people (they had no idea we had adopted), and this woman across from me just started bawling. I thought she was just touched by the messages my child heard (she is rather emotional, and cried several times during our video series last night).
After our meeting, she approached me and gave me a big hug. It seems she is a birthmother. She became pregnant as a teenager and was forced to place her son for adoption. She still beats herself up thinking that perhaps she should have fought more to keep him, but she knows deep down it was for the best. She recently re-established contact with him (he turned 18) and she found him on Facebook. She asked if he would like to meet her (she has dreamed of him all these years). At first, he wanted to. He posted about how he finally had the opportunity to meet the woman he had always wondered about. Then his adoptive parents got involved. They promised at placement to send her updates and pictures (they didn't). They told their son that it was best to leave his first mother alone because he would most likely be disappointed in her character.
She is a wonderful woman. She is the proud mother of a four year old son, happily married, gainfully employed, and sweet as peaches. I can't imagine why the adoptive parents would poison this boy so. She did the most responsible thing possible for her at that time. She is amazing, and she still adores him SO MUCH. She worries about his safety and his health. She prays for the choices he makes (he's a freshman in college - lots of partying going on). She is every bit a mother in her regard to him as I am to my daughter that I parent every day.
She was just greatly touched that we spoke so positively to Makenzie about her first parents. She asked me to pray for her birthson and his family. She wants desperately to reach out, but so far, he refuses to answer her anytime she messages him, so she is just watching his updates and praying he comes around.
I cried with her for awhile after we spoke. She really wants to talk to Makenzie and reassure her that her first parents do love her deeply (Makenzie doubts this a lot right now, despite our reassurances that they adore her as much as we do. It is hard for a six year old to understand such grown up things). I am looking forward to developing a relationship with her.
I don't know how often this happens, but I hope someone will read this post and feel compelled to reach out to their child's first family again. Don't be afraid. This dear woman doesn't want to replace her son's adoptive parents, she just wants to touch that sweet boy again. She wants to hug him close and let him know that not once has he left her thoughts. Not once has his birthday gone by that she didn't think of him. She is thankful for the life his adoptive parents provide for him. She is thankful that he has the opportunity to go to college debt free - something she still hasn't done. She is proud of him and all that he is. She just wants him to know he is deeply loved by more than his parents. She wants his adoptive parents to know how thankful she is to them for all that they have done. She wants to support his adoptive parents, and her son, in this life as hard as it is.