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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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Great dialogue here.

I just came off a great adoptive parent inquiry with a family who was very open racially, had adoption in their family, had previously adopted a child, was local to San Antonio, but are in no way willing to consider open adoption. Her brother's adoption was closed, her daughter's adoption is closed, and they just aren't open to considering openness. In fact, she wasn't even open to discussing it with me; as soon as she heard we wouldn't agree to do a closed adoption on their terms, she said goodbye and hung up.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised by this mentality anymore. But I am, every time. I'm so thankful for this forum community, doing what they can to spread the word about openness!

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I hear there's a local agency in my neck of the woods that she would fit in really well with........................... :blink:

Some people are just very "closed" minded!!!!

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Some people are just very "closed" minded!!!!

Sad :(

Cathy

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Late Night Ramblings & Points to Ponder

How could folks who found their spouses by any means other than an arranged marriage be closed to open adoption? (Wouldn't this be somewhat counter-intuitive?)

Because unless one falls into an arranged marriage with no advance warning about the intended's kinfolk, everyone knows there can be no birthparent on the face of the earth as potentially scary or invasive as a rabid in-law! :P

What sane adults would be willing to make a lifetime commitment without first checking out what kind of family they're getting into?... And how could the same, smart people expect any loving, conscientious parent to hand over their own flesh and blood to strangers? (Would they really want to be matched with the kind of folks who might?)

And why would anyone willing to go through all the scrutiny of the adoption process take on the lifetime commitment of parenting someone else's child without caring enough to truly get to know the people who belong to that little one?!

Could they ever really assure their adopted son or daughter "I love every part of who you are," if they don't?

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This reminds me of a discussion we had repeatedly with a close family member before we adopted.

She kept saying "I just couldn't love one that didn't come from me. I'm sure you will be fine, but I can't love someone that isn't blood."

To which we responded "Are you related to your husband?" :blink::unsure::blink:

She adores Makenzie now, but she still doesn't "get" why we want to know Makenzie's birth family.

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She kept saying "I just couldn't love one that didn't come from me. I'm sure you will be fine, but I can't love someone that isn't blood."

My son's birthfather asked us this same question shortly after our son was born. He asked if we thought we could love someone who was not born to us. Then in the middle of his question he trailed off as he looked at his stepson. He laughed before we could respond and said at times he forgets his stepson isn't his biological son. :) Thank goodness for open hearts and minds! I hope your relative's heart is able to continue to grow!

Open adoption is a family by choice! :)

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I've stopped talking to family members about the relationship we have with our kids Birth Parents.

They always say oh no if you should not see them they might want the child back and take them away. I end up having to explain myself once again and get into an arguement so just don't say anything at all.

For an example: Since we adopted Ayanna as a toddler and she has the love and bond for her BP we feel it is important in order for her to embrace her new life here with us that we love and care for her BP as well. Ayanna asked me if she would ever see her BP again. I replied, yes. We will go on vacations to TX and maybe her BP could come and visit us here.

She felt comforted to know that I not only cared about her BP but was ok with her seeing her and she is and always will be able to express her love for her. She knows she will never live with her again but just to know that she will always be a phone call away and will be able to see her from time to time she feels less of a loss and knows that her BP loves her and always will and sent her to us because she wanted the best for her. We never want to feel her BP does not love her.

Open Adoption in my option is the only way. If you want what is best for the child this is the way to go. AP need to be more educated.

As for loving a child that was not biologically our was never a question for us. We are these kids parents and never question our love and devotion to them

Just my thoughts,

Linda

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As for loving a child that was not biologically our was never a question for us.

When my doctor informed me that carrying a child was not meant for me. . .I did not hesitate to tell him or my other physician that it was not my dream to carry a child, but to have a child :) Brian & I believe our love is not limited to a biological child, but for a child.

Cathy

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Paul and I frequently talk to people who are struggling with infertility and are contemplating adoption. This weekend, we met a wonderful young lady and she asked me, "Is open adoption really that popular? Aren't you afraid of what could happen?" My response was, "Yes, we were afraid of what could happen and that is why we chose open adoption. We were afraid our children were going to ask, "Where did I get my eyes from? What did my birthmother like to do? Why did she/they make the choice they did?" And I knew that if I chose closed adoption, I could never answer those questions."

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I agree with you so much on your comment, Michelle. People ask Tony and I questions about why we choose open adoption, aren't we afraid they will come back and get Ethan, etc..... I wouldn't want an adoption any other way especially for Ethan's sake! I want him to know who is birthfamily is, who he looks like, to have a relationship with his birthmother and so many other reasons why we choose this route. I love our birthfamily so much and count my blessings everyday that they came into our lives!!!!

Donna

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My response was, "Yes, we were afraid of what could happen and that is why we chose open adoption. We were afraid our children were going to ask, "Where did I get my eyes from? What did my birthmother like to do? Why did she/they make the choice they did?" And I knew that if I chose closed adoption, I could never answer those questions."

I LOVE that response! It is honest and to the point! Now if I can only remember to say it when people make uninformed comments! I tend to freeze when I am shocked by some people's questions. :)

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Michelle - I think your response is awesome.....I am going to keep that in mind to respond back to people with....I also have gotten the question ....isn't that so much harder on the child, won't they get confused?? I have done my best to educate those who do say things like this in an attempt for them to understand ("get it")....that it is harder for a child to not have any answers to basic questions.....and that it isn't confusing, when that is what they know their life story to be from the day we became a family .....I also remind myself that those with no awareness or real life experience, need guidance to "get it" - to gain perspective.

Patti

Paul and I frequently talk to people who are struggling with infertility and are contemplating adoption. This weekend, we met a wonderful young lady and she asked me, "Is open adoption really that popular? Aren't you afraid of what could happen?" My response was, "Yes, we were afraid of what could happen and that is why we chose open adoption. We were afraid our children were going to ask, "Where did I get my eyes from? What did my birthmother like to do? Why did she/they make the choice they did?" And I knew that if I chose closed adoption, I could never answer those questions."
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Michelle - I think your response is awesome.....I am going to keep that in mind to respond back to people with....I also have gotten the question ....isn't that so much harder on the child, won't they get confused?? I have done my best to educate those who do say things like this in an attempt for them to understand ("get it")....that it is harder for a child to not have any answers to basic questions.....and that it isn't confusing, when that is what they know their life story to be from the day we became a family .....I also remind myself that those with no awareness or real life experience, need guidance to "get it" - to gain perspective.

Patti

Paul and I frequently talk to people who are struggling with infertility and are contemplating adoption. This weekend, we met a wonderful young lady and she asked me, "Is open adoption really that popular? Aren't you afraid of what could happen?" My response was, "Yes, we were afraid of what could happen and that is why we chose open adoption. We were afraid our children were going to ask, "Where did I get my eyes from? What did my birthmother like to do? Why did she/they make the choice they did?" And I knew that if I chose closed adoption, I could never answer those questions."

Well said girls! I realize people are afraid for us more than anything else. Our loved ones have struggled with/for us for many years during our family building. I guess we just feel that it has become our duty to raise awareness about the many benefits of open adoption. We so want our children to know ALL of the people who love them dearly and to have every single one of their questions be answered as they grow. As our families and friends see that we are very comfortable with open adoption, they have come a long way in their thinking as well.

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Michelle - I think your response is awesome.....I am going to keep that in mind to respond back to people with....I also have gotten the question ....isn't that so much harder on the child, won't they get confused?? I have done my best to educate those who do say things like this in an attempt for them to understand ("get it")....that it is harder for a child to not have any answers to basic questions.....and that it isn't confusing, when that is what they know their life story to be from the day we became a family .....I also remind myself that those with no awareness or real life experience, need guidance to "get it" - to gain perspective.

Patti

Paul and I frequently talk to people who are struggling with infertility and are contemplating adoption. This weekend, we met a wonderful young lady and she asked me, "Is open adoption really that popular? Aren't you afraid of what could happen?" My response was, "Yes, we were afraid of what could happen and that is why we chose open adoption. We were afraid our children were going to ask, "Where did I get my eyes from? What did my birthmother like to do? Why did she/they make the choice they did?" And I knew that if I chose closed adoption, I could never answer those questions."

Well said girls! I realize people are afraid for us more than anything else. Our loved ones have struggled with/for us for many years during our family building. I guess we just feel that it has become our duty to raise awareness about the many benefits of open adoption. We so want our children to know ALL of the people who love them dearly and to have every single one of their questions be answered as they grow. As our families and friends see that we are very comfortable with open adoption, they have come a long way in their thinking as well.

So true...

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Hi. My cousin who adopted two girls from Russia wrote me back and thanked me for the adoption magazine stuff. She said the girls are very open about their birthmom and talk about going to see if we can find her in the future.She said it will probably be in about 4 or 5 years. So I was encouraged that she did not make any negative comment and the card about their birthmother and their is hope for the future.

maybe she will subscribe to adoptive families too.

Take Care.

Laural,Casey,and Zachary

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I am also trying to change my corner of the world. My good friend is a single parent to a son she adopted from Guatemala. I am always trying to get her to mail a photo or e-mail it to the agency in Guatemala so the birthmother or foster mother(they have the children for 3 months) could see he is alive, healthy, and happy. I think that would be the hardest part of closed adoption- the not knowing on both sides. :( Take Care.LauralI am also trying to change my corner of the world. My good friend is a single parent to a son she adopted from Guatemala. I am always trying to get her to mail a photo or e-mail it to the agency in Guatemala so the birthmother or foster mother(they have the children for 3 months) could see he is alive, healthy, and happy. I think that would be the hardest part of closed adoption- the not knowing on both sides. :( Take Care.Laural

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There are three adoptive parents in our age range at church. The first had a HORRIBLE first adoption experience with an EXTREMELY unethical agency (which thankfully steered us away from them before we signed on the dotted line). They have been looking to adopt again for the last three years. Of course, after attending orientation at Abrazo, we have been singing Abrazo's praises. The couple is not ok with being "open" with their birthfamily. They currently correspond annually through their agency with their first BP and they like it that way. They do not want direct contact. They may come around (but I doubt it).

The second couple I don't really know (I know who they are, but we have not spoken much). Unfortunately, they are VERY anti-openness. Any time it gets brought up, they cringe and act very uncomfortable/defensive (we are in the same small Sunday school class). Well, we are pretty honest about our adoptive relationship. We are proud of our daughter and we want a relationship with her BP's.

Unfortunately, this couple has been asking for prayers for the last couple of weeks for their family. It seems their daughter's BP is asking for more openess in their relationship and this couple is TERRIFIED. They are thinking of moving to "keep their family safe". They are afraid their BP is "coming to steal the baby back" (their daughter is a few weeks younger than Makenzie). :huh:

We haven't been to class during all this (we've been traveling and home sick), but I have gotten calls. Several people have now approached me to "make sure Makenzie is safe". They want to know that her BP's aren't coming back to "steal her away". :angry: :angry: :angry:

I'm so shocked I hardly know how to respond to people. I tell them that yes, her BP's know where we live (DUH! We're OPEN with them~!) - but no we aren't afraid they are coming to steal her away. We would love for them to visit, but we don't worry about them stealing her.

I just DREAD going to church this Sunday. I know I am going to be approached more, and I really don't know what to say.

Jay will be with me, so I can't be my normal blunt self ie:

GIVE ME A BREAK! What is wrong with you people???? What are you going to tell your daughter some day when she asks about her birthfamily??? "Gee honey, they wanted to see you, but we couldn't cope with our own insecurities so we moved to another area to stay away from them." What a lovely example. :angry:

Find a backbone and bear up. Your daughters BP's obviously love her and want a relationship with her. Your daughter will one day want to know them as well. Get used to it. You might as well start now while she is litle instead of waiting until those horrible teenage years to deal with it!

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Good grief, Tina.

When you siad you had gotten a couple of calls, I thought you were going to say that people wanted you to share you positive open experience with that couple, not that they thought you should hide Mackenzie! :angry: I can't even comprehend being so scared as to contemplate MOVING to keep my child's location a secret.

You know, open adoption is so good for all parties - what a weight off if those people could open up - imagine the relief they'd feel. I think you should tell them that you're offering prayers - for them to be enlightened. Hoo boy. Or maybe have Jay stay at home Sunday so you can deliver a little speech uncensored ;)

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This whole situation is heartbreaking. This statement inparticular is reprehensible...

They are thinking of moving to "keep their family safe".

Don't these people know that if they did everything correctly, legally, ethically, then they have nothing to fear. That is if indeed their fear is the birthfamily stealing the child. Sounds to me like the fear is about something else, like you said Tina, insecurities <_<

How sad this child and her first mother will likely suffer loss twice thanks to the adoptive parents lack of understanding.

I'm with you Tina. Tell it like it is! ;)

I'm wondering if the prayer request from them at church has been for protection from the first family, that they will go away. I will pray for peace that surpasses understanding.

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What about talking to the minister? Could he give an eye-opening sermon? Best, Kay

That's a great idea Kay. Our minister did a sermon about how God adopted all of us into His family. All of us, regardless of station or health. He did not intend it to be an 'adoption' sermon but to an adoptive mom's ear, it suited the topic well. Even touched on openess. I"ll try to find the passages he used...........

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