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Open Adoption


ElizabethAnn

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Heidi, meet my friend Ambien... Ambien, meet my friend Heidi!!! biggrin.gif

There actually are adoption awareness bracelets on the market; we at Abrazo were delighted to find they were, of all colors, purple!!! which has for years been "the color of Abrazo." We used to buy them in quantity and give them out at Camp Abrazo, until the vendor doubled the price on us. You can still find them Here.

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  • 3 weeks later...

Angela had a disturbing conversation the other day, with a family who'd submitted paperwork to adopt through Abrazo but indicated they would not comply with the basic requirements of an open adoption. She'd called to encourage the family to learn more about the benefits of openness, but they told her they weren't interested.

They wanted a baby that didn't come with any birthparent attachments.

I'm always amazed, when people call open adoption agencies and complain that they "want to adopt a baby, not a birthparent." Where do they think babies come from? Why would you not want to know (and embrace) everything about your precious child-- including his/her people, his/her roots, the very foundation of who he/she is and how they came to be?

Maybe people confuse "openness" with "lack of boundaries." Forgive me for preaching to the choir here, but openness is about honesty and access-- not co-parenting and carte blanche relationships.

Parents who do open adoptions don't adopt their children's birthparents too (even though some wish they could!) But in the best of cases, they do open their hearts to accept and love their child's relations as part of their family, also.

You can't marry your spouse without becoming related to his family, whether or not you want them coming for dinner every Sunday. Don't adopt any child whose birthfamily you cannot also embrace-- in spirit if not in practice.

To reject your child's kinfolk is to deny your child's beginnings, and how can any happy ending come of that?

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Elizabeth,

I think peoples unwillingness to open adoption is the lack of knowledge....If they only knew that this is not only good for the child but the bp and ap as well.

I try to educate people as much as I can so the can embrace it as we do.

I hope this couple comes to realize there feers to open adoption is for lack of knowledge and if they came to an Orientation it may change there whole persepctive...

Elizabeth how true what you said:

Where do they think babies come from? Why would you not want to know (and embrace) everything about your precious child-- including his/her people, his/her roots, the very foundation of who he/she is and how they came to be?

Linda

Edited by Tonycpa and Linda
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You can't marry your spouse without becoming related to his family, whether or not you want them coming for dinner every Sunday. Don't adopt any child whose birthfamily you cannot also embrace-- in spirit if not in practice.

To reject your child's kinfolk is to deny your child's beginnings, and how can any happy ending come of  that?

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Elizabeth,

I could'nt agree more. I think when you come to adopt through Abrazo you have to have some understanding of what open adoption is. I can't imagine turning away from either of my sons birthparents. Were it not for them I would not be a mother.

I do however, have a little different twist on this. I went into adoption with the hopes of building a relationship with the birthparents of my boys. I have tried to stay connected ...but, it is not always easy. We do live a great distance apart. I would like to stay in touch and build an open relationship. It seems that the birthparents of my boys who went with an open adoption agency...are not very open. I am not saying that they are wrong or bad in any way. I am just confused as to why they are choosing to not stay open.

My location has not changed since placement...so, hopefully they will contact us when they are ready. I did meet with Tysons BP before camp..which is wonderful! I am anxiously waiting for more.

Sabrina

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Sabrina,

Having an "open" heart is where it all starts....none of us knows just how much togetherness will actually take place or when with our child's birthparents... that is sometimes beyond our control.

I will say from experience, and I know you agree, that things change with time. Just seeing your pictures in the gallery of your child meeting his birthmother again (and dancing with her) and meeting his birthsiblings, did you ever imagine that day, so soon?

What bothers me about someone only wanting a baby, with no birthparents is...how is that possible? Even folks that adopt from China (for instance) who have no birthparent information, still talk with thier child about his/her birthparents, right?

There are alot of open hearts on this forum, knowing Abrazo families stand out from the rest, makes this a happy place to be!

Karen

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Karen,

You are so right....And Abrazo brings wonderful people together.....

Linda

Sabrina,

Having an "open" heart is where it all starts....none of us knows just how much togetherness will actually take place or when with our child's birthparents... that is sometimes beyond our control.

I will say from experience, and I know you agree, that things change with time.  Just seeing your pictures in the gallery of your child meeting his birthmother again (and dancing with her) and meeting his birthsiblings, did you ever imagine that day, so soon?

What bothers me about someone only wanting a baby, with no birthparents is...how is that possible? Even folks that adopt from China (for instance) who have no birthparent information, still talk with thier child about his/her birthparents, right?

There are alot of open hearts on this forum,  knowing Abrazo families stand out from the rest, makes this a happy place to be!

Karen

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Karen,

You are so right!

Absolutely! I definately think that having an open heart is where it all starts. I was just saying that I am "confused" as to why birthparents or adoptive parents who go through an agency known for their openess...would choose not to be so open.

I ABSOLUTELY imagined the day when my boys would be able to hold their birthparents hands and reunite. I just have'nt alowed myself to think that it would'nt happen. I was'nt prepared for the time it would take...and it still taking.

I am willing to wait and when the time comes...I'm ready!

I guess I compare it to my remarrying somday.."If you are going to marry me...you have to marry my boys...or no marriage"...The same thing goes for when I adopted my guys....I embraced the birthfamilies immediate and exteneded!

I don't see how it would work any other way!

Sabrina

Edited by TeyandTy's Mom
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I am ashamed to say that I didn't even know "open adoption" existed until Mel and Chris adopted Grace Ann. I have lots and lots of adopted cousins, but they were all adopted in the 60's and 70's. Every one of them had "closed adoptions".

Mickey and I strongly considered international adoption. It wasn't to avoid "open adoption" as some might think, because at the time we had never heard of "open adoption". We both felt international adoption more of a calling, plus we were under the impression that the wait for a baby in the U.S. could take years.

Thankfully, Mel never gave up talking to us about Abrazo. During Christmas Dinner 2004 she asked me one last time to check out Abrazo's website/forum. I told her I had in the past and she begged me to look just one more time. She said if I would she would never mention it again. I promised her I would look when I got home that evening. I did, something clicked, my eyes were opened, and my heart ached! All of the sudden I knew this was the path God wanted us to take. It took a little convincing (and crying)...got Mickey on board...and the rest is history!!!!

Thank goodness for happy endings (and beginnings)! wink.gif

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I am ashamed to say that I didn't even know "open adoption" existed until Mel and Chris adopted Grace Ann.  I have lots and lots of adopted cousins, but they were all adopted in the 60's and 70's.  Every one of them had "closed adoptions". 

Mickey and I strongly considered international adoption.  It wasn't to avoid "open adoption" as some might think, because at the time we had never heard of "open adoption".  We both felt international adoption more of a calling, plus we were under the impression that the wait for a baby in the U.S. could take years.

Thankfully, Mel never gave up talking to us about Abrazo.  During Christmas Dinner 2004 she asked me one last time to check out Abrazo's website/forum.  I told her I had in the past and she begged me to look just one more time.  She said if I would she would never mention it again.  I promised her I would look when I got home that evening.  I did, something clicked, my eyes were opened, and my heart ached!  All of the sudden I knew this was the path God wanted us to take.  It took a little convincing (and crying)...got Mickey on board...and the rest is history!!!! 

Thank goodness for happy endings (and beginnings)!  wink.gif

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Elaine! I felt the same way! We had had no real knowledge of open adoption until we heard that Brooke & Claudia's adoption of Miles was open. We were a little afraid because we didn't understand. After hearing them being so positve about their experience and being such advocates we knew we had to educate ourselves! After I started reading this forum (and passing along all my new found knowledge tongue.gif to Bart) and read a couple of really good books on open adoption there is no way we would do it any other way on our end. We hope that the BP we match with will feel the same way. But if she doesn't then we will honor her boundaries and hope that one day she is open to reuniting! The possibilites are so comforting to me. I know that this path id God's will!!!!

Here's to happy beginnings!

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Guest Cool Beans

Well, to characterize a differing opinion as 'disturbing' is a bit disturbing. While I certainly have experienced the merits of Open Adoption first hand and feel the 'Open' road was the best for ME, I can certainly appreciate the concerns regarding the pitfalls...and your heads in the sand if you can't see the pitfalls.

Adoptive Parents who chose to adopt, regardless of the flavor they chose, need to be applauded. The Adoption options are only as perfect as the people involved.

biggrin.gif

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Just as we as parents or parents in waiting have had to educate ourselves on open adoption, not sure in the beginning if that is what felt right for us... I think birthparents also have a similar process. How much do birthparents know about open adoption when they are faced with making a life long decision for their baby? Yes, they may want to choose, and know the family, where their child will grow up, they may want an open placement, they may want the option of more contact or just knowing that it is available to them, what then?

How do we proceed.... with one another?

Respectfully, is the only answer I can think of.

Karen

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I could'nt agree with you all more.

Donna,

You made a good point...respecting the boundaries until either party is ready is great.

I hope my post hasn't gotten confused. I totally and completly respect my sons birthparents. I never want to "invade" their life or bring stress. I just want them to know our sons. I checked with Abrazo on several occassions to help me proceed in contacting them. Because I did not want to upset them. I wanted to repect their boundaries. I know that time changes things. I just want to always make sure I live up to my word and that is to be open. Both of my sons birthparents are wonderful people...who have been dealt a tough hand. I hope that they are able to know that we love them and want them to be in our lives.....when they are ready.

Sabrina

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Guest mshirst

To some extent perhaps is the adoptive parents' lack of understanding of how much adoption has changed for the better.

As an adoptee myself, I was born during an era when closed adoptions were the only widely used option. I suppose that my parents were progressive for their time, for they were very open — as early as possible — to help me understand what adoption is, how I came to be their son, and what they knew — albeit limited — of my birth parents. From the onset, I was told that adoption was something to celebrate — I am, after all, loved by two families.

At no time in my life have I ever felt "given away," a term some have used, but instead, that I was deemed worthy of a gift of immeasurable and timeless value — a birth family that loved me enough to want a better life for me and willing to sacrifice their own desire to keep me to make that happen — and an adoptive family willing to overcome all kinds of hurdles to add me to their family.

This probably didn't occur often during that time period, but my adoptive parents' honesty and openness has affected me in positive ways and defined in many ways who I am now as a parent-in-waiting (and waiting and waiting) unsure.gif

As a result, I may be far more committed in spirit and practice to open adoption than other adoptees (and non-adoptees) born during the same period — uh, a few years ago. blink.gif

Matt

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I was just saying that I am "confused" as to why birthparents or adoptive parents who go through an agency known for their openess...would choose not to be so open.

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Sabrina, some prospective adoptive parents go through an agency known for openness only because they're hoping for a quick placement and they count on the birthparents just "going away" afterwards-- motives like these are a liability in agencies like ours. And sometimes, I've seen where birthparents seek open adoptions because it gives them a sense of comfort thinking they'll "always" know their child is okay-- but then they're overwhelmed by the continuing sense of loss that hits them at relinquishment. They don't know how to balance the grief and the contact, and they're not open to counseling, so they forfeit openness in hopes that doing so will make their pain subside (unfortunately, for all concerned.)

Well, to characterize a differing opinion as 'disturbing' is a bit disturbing. While I certainly have experienced the merits of Open Adoption first hand and feel the 'Open' road was the best for ME, I can certainly appreciate the concerns regarding the pitfalls...and your heads in the sand if you can't see the pitfalls.

Adoptive Parents who chose to adopt, regardless of the flavor they chose, need to be applauded. The Adoption options are only as perfect as the people involved.

biggrin.gif

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Correct me if I'm wrong, but I think I said what was disturbing was the conversation Angela had with these people. The idea that any of Abrazo's families would say that "telling a child they were adopted would force them to grow up as a 'duck in a sheep's world'" disturbs me plenty.

I certainly understand that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. My opinion is that you shouldn't be adopting a child through an open adoption agency if you have no intentions of being open. Period.

Obviously, parenting, adoption, and every other worthwhile endeavor in life are full of pitfalls. (No sand in my hair, thank you!) Openness and honesty in adoption don't guarantee that the road will always be smooth nor all your options perfect. On the contrary: open adoption is the investment you make as a parent, to spare your child from ever having to go through life wondering who their birthfamily was, and why and how they became a part of your sheltering family tree.

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open adoption is the investment you make as a parent, to spare your child from ever having to go through life wondering who their birthfamily was, and why and how they became a part of your sheltering family tree.

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Well said! This was initially the number 1 reason we were committed to open adoption. I didn't want my future child to have to wonder about their birthfamily or have to "search" for answers down the road. And I'm happy to say (as many of you forum faithful already know) we have been blessed not only with a precious son, but a wonderful and open relationship with his birthfamily! It's better than I had even hoped for!

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Thankfully, Mel never gave up talking to us about Abrazo.  During Christmas Dinner 2004 she asked me one last time to check out Abrazo's website/forum.  I told her I had in the past and she begged me to look just one more time.  She said if I would she would never mention it again.

Thank goodness for happy endings (and beginnings)!  wink.gif

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That Melissa...she's a pesky one, isn't she Elaine?!! tongue.gif Of course, in this case, it's a good thing she didn't give up! biggrin.gif

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Pesky is putting it mildly..but we love her! tongue.gif

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Pesky is putting it mildly..but we love her!  tongue.gif

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Yes we do!! wink.gif

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  • 2 weeks later...

I was reading this topic and began to think about how and why we chose Abrazo. At first, I requested information about many adoption agencies. Like anything else when you are shopping and you really don't know much, I looked at cost and time. Honestly, I really didn't know much about openess vs. closed vs. semi-open etc. All I knew is that Marcelo and I were having difficulty having a child and we knew we didn't want to go through invitro... point blank.... but then.... we came across Abrazo! We were so fortunate to find an agency that seemed to have everything we needed and were very patient to educate us on why openess is so important for our child. Fortunately, we overcame the fears that were in our heart. Now, I know it sounds strange that we chose and agency that is open when we really didn't even know what it was and how it worked. It felt right in every way and it felt right to want to learn. I think when you are first starting the process and learning about adoption period, you don't always think the "politically correct" way. You just have to be open to learning.

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  • 3 weeks later...

At no time in my life have I ever felt "given away," a term some have used, but instead, that I was deemed worthy of a gift of immeasurable and timeless value — a birth family that loved me enough to want a better life for me and willing to sacrifice their own desire to keep me to make that happen — and an adoptive family willing to overcome all kinds of hurdles to add me to their family.

When I read about international adoptions and the parents who take their precious baskets to

the door of the orphange, and leaving the basket there. The next morning, someone from the orphange opens the door and sees a baby wrapped up in blankets that survived the night, I praise these women. Their children are not "given away" w/out thought or care, but rather the parents want despatetely that their child will have a better life. This is the ultimate gift.

Thank you Matt, you said it so much more eloquently then I did. A parent who only wants the best for their chiild and sometimes that means not raising the child.

Cathy

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  • 2 weeks later...
Guest Cool Beans

It amazes me how there's a continual, almost fervent, desire to promote open adoption in a way that demeans all other avenues (international, private, etc...). Can we never give any credence to other options?

Regarding Amanda's situation, and without hearing the AP's side of the story, perhaps this is what's best for their child in ‘this’ particular situation. Here’s what I'm wondering… if Amanda knew for a FACT that the child was thriving and his life would be content and fruitful with loving parents without her being a part of his life, would she then be OK with the situation as it is?

God Bless!

:)

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Hi Cool Beans,

How would Amanda ever REALLY know (all those things you mentioned) without openness?

As far as my positive outlook on open adoption, the Abrazo way, it is my only point of reference. I have not experienced other avenues as you say.

I would love to hear your story...if you would like to share? :)

Karen

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It amazes me how there's a continual, almost fervent, desire to promote open adoption in a way that demeans all other avenues (international, private, etc...). Can we never give any credence to other options?
Doesn't strike me as particularly amazing...this is, after all, a community of people who have been brought together by their specific belief in open adoption. It's somewhat like visiting a forum for Mac users, or Prius owners, or Welsh Corgi enthusiasts and espousing the potential merits of Linux, Hummers, or Rottweilers. If you're looking to engage folks in a discussion of the relative merits of different approaches, you might find Usenet groups to be, well, less fervent.
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