Jenny N

Amen Sisters! Elizabeth, i hope you seriously forward this post to the editor. And its hight time you wrote a book! Its such a shame that domestic adoption is given such a bad name. And really we don't know how many birthfamilies overseas "change thier minds" either. They could be pregnant and all along plan to place the baby in an orphanage and at the last minute or after birth decide not to........we just don't know that statistic. I am sorry, people talk about how "horrifify" the process can be. My cousin adopted through Russia (I am not picking on russia) but she was all set to adopt a sibiling group. Come to find out, her "healthy" children one of them had CP, and for all the money she paid up front, they kept asking her for "donations" everytime to came to visit the babies, a donation, that if not paid, the babies were unavailable for visitiation. I know alot of people that have adopted successfully overseas and domestically, but I also know that a few couples that had alot of years waiting and mega-money invested in adoptions overseas that didn't go so smoothly. Nothing is life is black and white and especially when you are dealing with human beings and raw emotion can you completely predict the outcome of any adoption.

We had such a great neighborhood when i was growing up. We had a TON of kids and we played kick the can, flash light tag, and kick ball..........there was always action! We played marbles, we hauled all our barbie stuff to each other's yards......We were called home when my Dad whistled really loud. All the kids knew that was "our" call to home. We played outside ALL day, we went to pool all summer! Our neighborhood is newer so we thought it would have alot of kids, but not really a few babies, but mostly teens. We are pretty bummed there are no baseball games or tag playing in our neighborhood..............we are still hoping! One thing from my past which is probably gone for a good reason......We used to ride in a rear facing staion wagon! Yikes, we actually stared at oncoming traffic!

Thanks for the kind words, it just so unknown for me right now, b/c I truly feel in my heart I am not done, I really want more children, but its scary to put yourself out there again, and this time with kids..........time will tell!

I have the fear that we won't be chosen b/c we have 2 kids. I am worried that b/c we have one adopted son and one biological son (with our infertiltiy its very hit and miss if it will happen again) that we won't look like we "need" more children. I would love to adopt again but worry that we won't be chosen for having 2 kids and being able to possibly have biological children. Really it doens't matter to me how we have them, we would just love to have another one in the house......we are really at a stand still as what to do............

Hi Elizabeth I clicked on your link for the bracelets and it didn't work, where can we get them, i would love one!

This is a great topic. I think its always hard to tell a BP about the desire to have another child. You don't want them to think this HUGE sacrifice they just went thru isn't enough or good enough. I was very nervous to tell our birthmom we were now expecting after adopting. I don't know how she feels, she hasn't contacted us in a few years, we recently got a call from Abrazo saying she wants to talk with us, but we can't catch her at the number she gave us. I hope she is ok with our newer/larger family. Anxiously awaiting to hear from her.

Risks are the hugest factor in almost everything we do. I just remember searching and seeing signs everywhere and in everything to give me that " this has to be meant to be" feeling while we were adopting, and even while I was pregnant with our second child. Its funny how you search for the signs to help you feel in control. But really nothing is in your control and GOD will decide. And the "right" thing does really happen. Its hard to see that while your in the middle of it.

I watched the show yesterday too, I was happy to see that the family with the adopted boy from India that "they didn't love" and wanted to send back, they have made a complete turn around. Dr. Phil sent them all to couseling and I guess the family is now very happy and the boy is now doing well. I was SO concerned about this boy, and couldn't believe the first show, and was relived the follow up show as positive on this story. I, too, wish that Amanda would have been invited to the show, so everyone could see how open, open adoption could be.

For the younger child. Try the book. Little Miss Spider, by David Kirk. and A is for Adoption. As far as not using "bad language". Talk with example and just correct family. Its was hard for me at first to correct some people in my family w/o wanting to offend, but its important, and if your family is excited for you, they should be willing to help. Cute little story. My niece (3 at the time) asked if my husband and I were going to have a baby, and I said "yes" (her mother was pregnant at the time) and she asked if it was in my belly and I said "no, my belly doesn't work like that so we are going to get a baby from Texas" She turned around and asked her mom were "her texas was?" I told her that Texas was a place, not a body part. She beamed and said "great!". That was that, she was fine with that answer. Children are pretty innocent and that is a lovely way to be sometimes, they are just so excited for you and the baby. They can be a good ice breaker sometimes.

When we were struggeling thru inferlitlity, my sister and I got pregnant at the same time, like days apart. I lost my baby at 9 weeks, and she went on to have a successful pregnancy. For the most part I was very happy for her, but the other part of me, was like "why me". But funny enough as time went on, she shared SO much of her pregnancy with me, and I got to be there for the delivery it was like I had a bit of pregnancy and labor myself. I am so glad I was there and not upset about it and just enjoyed watching the miracle of life arriving. Later I was able to give birth, and as awesome as it was, so was the experience of adoption, and not alot of people get to walk down that path either. I feel overjoyed I got to do both. Miracles come in different ways each day. I bet there will be no hard feelings.

I too, am appalled. I watched the show, and coudn't stop crying thinking about this boy. Dr. Phil was SO right, its not the boy's job to love them and make them feel good. Its there job to love and make the boy feel good. I just couldn't relate. We bonded so quickly!! I think that nothing short of removing the boy would that family work either. I just wonder what happened with all the post placement visits? They must have shared there feelings with there case worker if they were able to share them with millions of people watching on TV. My heart wrenched for the boy, BP's around the world wondering about there children, and for AP's who DO NOT feel this way.......yikes! It was not good all around. This why I tell anyone who asks about our adoption, open is the only way to go. I think these situations are far and few between b/c of it.

I loved the article, I just printed it out to give to a friend of mine who is "talking" with Abrazo right now, and probably coming to an orientation very soon. Here is a question for you all. As some of you know or may remember from my last posts (which have been awhile-sorry) We adopted a hispanic boy 3yrs ago, and we were all set to adopt again when we found ourselves pregnant. We now have 2 boys, one hispanic and one white. Both boys are wonderful, loved, and adore each other and adored by parents. But we sometimes run into "very stupid" comments from people. How do we answer questions about heritage with out making our adopted son, be the "adopted one". People see the boys looking different or see our youngest looks like me or whatever..and I know what they are trying to ask are they related, but to answer the questions. I feel like I am labeling them. I don't what one to be "the adopted" and the other "the bio". How can I answer these questions without singling them out. Any hints? As for our family, they are very happy about our babies no matter how they came here, so that is not an issue, but with strangers or even new friends I dont' know how not to label each child. Let me know what you think.Thanks!

This is a very good article, we also try very hard to get our friends amd family to use the words that we use/will use with our son. I also JUST (like seconds ago) got done emailing none other than Dr. Phil. There is a special on his show about a family in crisis and includes a pregnant teen deciding her babies future and its driving me NUTS that they keep saying, Dr. Phil included, "Put the baby up for adoption" "give the baby away" I emailed him that the baby will not be hanging anywhere so they won't be up! I said a better way to phrase that would be "place the child...." I explained that most birthmothers/families get the opportunity to select the families and "place the child" with them. We are also struggling with how to explain our growing family. We have one adopted son, and a bio-child (son) on the way (and one day overdue now!! and I am not sick of the questions or congradulatory comments, but I hate lableing my sons, one is the "adopted" one and one is "bio" one. How can I explain the difference w/o lables? I know I shouldn't even have to explain, but when point blank asked? What should my response be?

Welcome Zinnia, Everyone's responses are right on target, we have all been there. Its sad that we live in such a judgemental world. Adoption, if anything, has taught me to not be so critical of others. Our story is a bit different, we could get pregnant drop of a hat, but couldn't carry past 5-8wks, so we decided to quit all treatments, stay on birthcontrol and adopt. Some of our family had a VERY hard time accepting our decision to stop. The comments of "your so close" or "you just have to relax" or "maybe the next one will work" drove us crazy. But they weren't the ones going thru with all the stress and mental and physical trauma. Once we were 100% on board with Adoption and Abrazo, we just took charge over our families. We gave them books, and articles to read. We corrected there "lingo" if we found it inappropriate, we were VERY positive and stopped negitive remarks instantly. They all got on board and got the picuture quickly. Don't let others ruin what is the MOST amazing expierence you will ever have. Once that baby is in your arms, it is yours. So what if someone else also loves that baby as much as you do. The more love the better! Love knows no limits. Our families are SO accepting of our son and his birthfamily, and just spoil him to pieces. 2 years after our placement, we found ourselves VERY unexpectedly pregnant again, and thru many hormones and prayers this pregnancy is working, and I find myself going thru all the comments again, (thankfully not from family this time) "oh how wonderful, you will finally have one of your own" or "see once you adopted then you'd have one" and it just gets so old. I am past the point of it bothering me, but worry when people say it in front of my son. When he is old enough to understand, it will hurt his feelings, so I politely correct people right away. But honestly, where did the smile and the "congradulations" go when people say "we're pregnant or we're adopting?" I hope all your dreams of parenting come true very soon, and you found a wealth of info on this forum from the adoptive families and the birthfamilies.

Congrats Dana! I have been waiting and watching for a post from you! Hope everyone is adjusting well, have fun!!

I like reading others stories on the route to adoption if you are interested in ours its on our webpage. No need (or time) to type twice!! http://home.new.rr.com/snichol/Lucas.htm

I always smile when I read this........ Good thoughts to live by in our busy worlds!!!!! TO MY CHILD Just for this morning, I am going to smile when I see your face and laugh when I feel like crying. Just for this morning, I will let you choose what you want to wear, and smile and say how perfect it is. Just for this morning, I am going to step over the laundry and Pick you up and take you to the park to play. Just for this morning, I will leave the dishes in the sink, and Let you teach me how to put that puzzle of yours together. Just for this afternoon, I will unplug the telephone and keep the Computer off, and sit with you in the backyard and blow bubbles. Just for this afternoon, I will not yell once, not even a tiny Grumble when you scream and whine for the ice cream truck, and I will buy you one if he comes by. Just for this afternoon, I won't worry about what you are going to be When you grow up, or second guess every decision I have made where you are concerned. Just for this afternoon, I will let you help me bake cookies, and I won't stand over you trying to fix them. Just for this afternoon, I will take us to McDonald's and buy us both a Happy Meal so you can have both toys. Just for this evening, I will hold you in my arms and tell you a story about how you were born and how much I love you. Just for this evening, I will let you splash in the tub and not get angry. Just for this evening, I will let you stay up late while we sit on the porch and count all the stars. Just for this evening, I will snuggle beside you for hours, and miss my favorite TV shows. Just for this evening, when I run my finger through your hair as you pray, I will simply be grateful that God has given me the greatest giftever given. I will think about the mothers and fathers who are searching for their missing children, the mothers and fathers who are visiting their children's graves instead of their bedrooms, and mothers and fathers who are in hospital rooms watching their children suffer senselessly and screaming inside that they can't handle it anymore. And when I kiss you goodnight I will hold you a little tighter, a little longer. It is then, that I will thank God for you, and ask him for nothing, except one more day.............

We too, did a "second mortgage" to finance our adoption. Our bank actually did a line of credit, which was very helpful since you don't really know the exact amount of the adoption until then placement or finialization. So by taking out the line of credit, it was easy to write checks or send money when it was needed. Also the payments are pretty low too. We are really trying hard to save those pennies, we really want another Abrazo babe! Good luck to all!

I think each family has to do what feels right for them, but from my personal experience I have a friend (adult) who is adopted and is an only child, but she does have a large birth family. She has gotten to really know and spend time with her birth family. She has given me tons of advice and insight with our son, but she does say she wishes her AP's would have adopted another child, she says even though she knows her birth sibilings she feels like an only child. She says she is sad there is no one who really knows her like a sibling would. I guess there is really something to be said about "sharing a bathroom" with somebody else, it bonds you for life-HAHA! That is just a bit of insight I have recieved and thought I would share.

I agree with Jade, keep communicating, but don't force anything to happen. It has to happen when the time is right for both of you. I can't say it enough just keep communicating.

Cloud Nine, I loved your post, I couldn't agree with you more. We felt the same way about open adoption, and now that we did it and we have our son thru open adoption, we can't imagine doing it any other way! We too have wonderful stories to share with our son about his birth family. Thanks for sharing!

Jada. I love your replies! You have great insight! I too, hope that my son will some day re-connect with his birthfamily, I want him to know first hand how much they loved him and did the best they coud for him. I agree, I don't feel like I am parenting someone else's child, but also on the other hand, I feel and accept that our son does have another family and it takes nothing away from us at all! Love is love.........

I agree that this is a big fear for adoptive parents. It's hard to say when I let go of this fear. We have had our little boy for over a year now. And I guess, the more I mothered him, the more I felt like his mother. I hope that makes sense. But as time goes on and we are totally his parents, and he treats us like his parents, you just become "the parents" with all the good and bad (not so much bad) that that comes with. I am less fearful of him "wanting" his birthfamily, b/c he still has them. We share letters and pictures, and we are open about them, I think there will be less fantasizing about them, b/c they are real. I think with closed adoptions its scarier wondering who they are, how do they feel, will my child want them back. I am a person who lays all my cards on the table and facing things makes it easier for me. The more I accepted open adoption, the less afraid I was. Our son has another family and I want him to know them and meet them, and I think he knows who his "mom" and "dad" are and we will always be that to him, and just like we will have room in our hearts to love any other children we might be blessed with, he will have room in his heart for others too. Face the unknown, don't fear it.

Hello Jean!! I just want to congratulate you on your way to becoming a mommy. (and to the forum). I think Abrazo is a great agency to help your dreams come true! Best wishes, your lucky star is out there waiting for you too

I say go for it, you know when you are ready, and that is really what counts. There is a ton of reasons for having kids close in age and far apart in age, what matters is when your family is ready and just go for it!!