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ElizabethAnn

For Birthfamily Members Who Didn't Know

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Reunions are so joyous! Gives hope to those who don't have as open of a relationship as desired!

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We were just talking, this past weekend, about Oprah and today, she went public with the news that she learned just this past November that her own mother secretly placed a baby for adoption back in the Sixties... Oprah featured her birthsister Patricia on today's show, and if you missed it, you can watch this to learn more.

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The thing that Oprah said that interested me was that her mother felt shame in 1963 and that is why she could not tell anyone. Even when she was being asked with all the evidence it was still hard for her to admit it. Do you think this is still true today?

Heather :)

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Just wanted to bump this topic up for a shocked and distressed caller who contacted our office this week. She'd just learned that her child had secretly had a child and placed that baby for adoption (elsewhere) without any relatives knowing about it. This is a painful revelation anytime, but especially in the holiday season. We know there are no words to lessen this loss but we hope she finds some comfort in the support that's available here.

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My heart is often heavy because I know that there are family members who do not know in our situation. I support S and D in their decision but sometimes I wonder how they would felt if they knew and how to handle it as Victor gets older.

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I felt a pain in my heart when I read Elizabeth's post.

We, too, have birthfamily who do not know (about) us, yet.

There is always pain with secrets in adoption.

Karen

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I felt a pain in my heart when I read Elizabeth's post.

We, too, have birthfamily who do not know (about) us, yet.

There is always pain with secrets in adoption.

Karen

Us too, from our first adoption. It is hard to think of Grandmas, aunts, uncles, etc. that have no idea of an adorable little curly haired boy related to them. We don't know who knows, but as far as we know it was all kept from extended family. I hope that one day should things open up, maybe it will open up all the way (wishful thinking, I know... but I keep hoping).

One thing special about our second adoption was having the family members present. It does make me sad that M's mom passed away so she will not know her birthgrandson.

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I wonder about this all the time. We've learned so many bits and pieces of information and I'm able to see photos of Ollie's extended birth family online. I wonder how many of them know that the little boy in my Facebook profile photo is their relative. It hurts my feelings - for Oliver - that they're not fighting to get to know him. I know this is just "how things are," but I look at this sweet baby and wonder if they'd like to know him. I realize, though, that my #1 commitment is maintaining the relationship we have with Ollie's birthmama. If it's her wish that we maintain some distance and not contact my son's birthfather/family, I understand that. For now, we're building what we have with HER. She found us, she chose Ollie's parents, she has stuck around in good times and bad. He has a birthsister we aren't likely to ever meet, but there is a chance of meeting his birthbrother some day... I hang on to that hope tightly for both of them.

I have asked before if Ollie's birthdad knew she was pregnant, but I do wonder if he really knew. I wonder if he wishes he knew where Ollie was. Just thinking of it makes me sad for everyone involved. I'm happy for Ollie that he's sleeping peacefully with a full belly and a warm house and a life full of consistency and routine. He's safe and he has more love than he knows what to do with... that's what's most important, but I wish there weren't any secrets to keep.

Edited by Steven&Melissa

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I feel sad for my daughter Katelyn who does not know her birth family. It's hard for her since we have open relationships with our children's other families. I know she wants to know her Korean grandma. They do not know that she exists.

Heather

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I feel sad for my daughter Katelyn who does not know her birth family. It's hard for her since we have open relationships with our children's other families. I know she wants to know her Korean grandma. They do not know that she exists.

Heather

Heather - I've often wondered about this. At Abrazo, I've noticed that in many instances, if there is no contact with the birth parent, there is sometimes contact with a birth sibling adopted by another family. At least that gives a tie back to the child's roots. I think a lot about the next adoption situation we might enter into and whether or not we'll be fortunate enough to have the same amount - or more - contact with the first family as we do now. I think I'd feel sad, just like you do, if one child had more contact than another. :( Every situation is unique and I know we do our best as parents to handle whatever comes our way, but it does make me sad when I hear of closed adoptoins, whether they start at the very beginning of the relationship or slowly end up that way.

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