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ElizabethAnn

Dealing with The Dad

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One of the most important things to remember, if you're considering adoption and worried about the rights of the baby's dad, is to be absolutely honest with Abrazo about WHO he is and WHERE he can be found.

You don't have to be in contact with him, if you don't want to be, but you really DO have to let us attempt to reach him, so we can prove to the courts that we've made every possible effort to include him in this adoption plan.

If he doesn't agree or wants to fight, that's between him and us and the judge. We know there's a big agency out of Fort Worth that routinely tells first moms it's "their" job to get him to cooperate, but we don't see it that way.

All you have to do is give us the information about him, and we'll handle it from there.

Please do not try to deceive him about your pregnancy and/or placement plan, if you do know where he is or if he does express an interest in what's going on.

To intentionally mislead him by telling him you had an abortion when you didn't or that someone else is the father when you really do know better is fraud. Not only is this a crime punishable by law, it could have disastrous effects on the life of your child and his/her prospective adoptive family: Why Kiley May Soon Lose The Only Home She's Ever Known.

Understand this: the birthdad doesn't necessarily have to agree with the adoption; he can't just say "no, I won't sign any papers" and put an end to any potential placement plan.

If he's going to try to fight this, he's got to be able to prove to a court (at his own expense) that he has been acting like a responsible father and supporting you financially, and that he's intending to raise this child himself, and that he's just as able to meet the child's needs as any adoptive family could.

And very often, his objections have nothing to do with the baby's welfare. Alot of times, these guys have issues with power and control, and they're angry to think that you could make plans for the baby without their consent. Or they want to try to keep you under their thumb. Or they want to retaliate against you for getting away.

So let us deal with him; sometimes, when these guys find out they would not "get" to fight you in court but would actually be fighting us, it takes some of the wind out of their sails, and they lose interest quickly.

If you have legal questions, call Renee at our office and she'll see about getting you a consult with our attorney's office. But remember, you're not in this alone. We're behind you all the way, and we'll do whatever we can to see that both you and your baby are protected. All we ask is that you help us do this by shooting straight with us and with him!

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Yes the truth does work! Emelie is proof! It took time but now we have peace of mind. I think Texas has better laws than Georgia or the Abrazo gals just know how to let birthfathers know where they stand. :D

Heather

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Jonas is proof also! The Abrazo gals handled our situation exceptionally!

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A very scary place to be...

Very real feelings felt....

Remembering how we felt during our first adoption that was contested....

Knowing how grateful we are to be a part of the Abrazo family now & that we didn't have to worry about those feelings this time.

Thanks legal department!

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Oh I remember being there. It wasn't purely cowardice that kept me out of Abrazo's line of fire with Dj, although it felt that way at times. I had fallen for his lies for so long and I was afraid to hear anymore from him, because I couldn't trust my resolve to stay away.

I don't know if he fought signing the papers, if he tried to talk Holly into letting him talk to me, if he tried to convince her he would take care of Colby. I don't want to know. I wonder about him sometimes, because I feel bad that I don't remember anything great about him to tell our son.

The adoption was by no means easy, but not handling Dj made it better. After all that time with him. I felt like I was putting up a stand. I'd left him before. When he hit me pregnant I never went back. We still talked for a little while, but he was so mean, and refused to help. I couldn't do it alone. He knew that and I think he thought I'd come crawling back. I stood up for myself though, and I did what I dreamed of for our son- gave him the best life possible, with two loving parents and a supportive family, and a bright bright future. I couldn't do that with Dj and I so I found the people I truly believed could do that for Colby.

I used to look back a lot more with Colby was young. I used to fret over everything I was missing- his first haircut, his first word, walking. It weighed me down so much.

Colby's so big now, he is his own person. I don't look back very often now. Just when I see little tow headed boys. I can't imagine it being any other way now. It wouldn't seem right. He's so happy and big and smart and cute and perfect. I think now of whats to come. Him growing older. My daydreams currently are seeing what a magnificent person he's been enabled to become.

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Kristal,

I applaud you girl! You have such strength...I'm so glad you've found peace in your decision. You sound like you are in a good place! I'm also glad you are posting again. You have a lot of wisdom to share, and can be such a support for the women who have been where you were.

(((Hugs to you!!)))

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Oh I remember being there. It wasn't purely cowardice that kept me out of Abrazo's line of fire with Dj, although it felt that way at times. I had fallen for his lies for so long and I was afraid to hear anymore from him, because I couldn't trust my resolve to stay away.

I don't know if he fought signing the papers, if he tried to talk Holly into letting him talk to me, if he tried to convince her he would take care of Colby. I don't want to know. I wonder about him sometimes, because I feel bad that I don't remember anything great about him to tell our son.

Kristal, thank you for posting your thoughts regarding your child's birthfather. I know it was hard then... and still now.

We, as parents, also struggle with great things to say about our child's birthfather, when we have so little to draw from...due to the placement experience in regards to him not being there and/or not involved in his child's adoption plan. Either way we have limited information. Both of our daughter's birthparents were/are not still "together", as a matter of fact, their birthfathers were "out of the relationship", so to speak, before they were born.

But even so, as parents we must try to always keep the connection open, if it's possible, for our child. I know some of us worry about how our child's Birthmother will react knowing that some day, our child may want to contact him, meet him, spend time with him, and so forth.

Do you have any helpful wisdom you would like to share? And have your thoughts changed over time?

Karen

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I used to fret over everything I was missing- his first haircut, his first word, walking. It weighed me down so much.

Colby's so big now, he is his own person. I don't look back very often now.

He's so happy and big and smart and cute and perfect. I think now of whats to come. Him growing older. My daydreams currently are seeing what a magnificent person he's been enabled to become.

Kristal, your feelings and words are awesome! How wonderful for you and Colby!

Karen

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We, as parents, also struggle with great things to say about our child's birthfather, when we have so little to draw from...due to the placement experience in regards to him not being there and/or not involved in his child's adoption plan. Either way we have limited information. Both of our daughter's birthparents were/are not still "together", as a matter of fact, their birthfathers were "out of the relationship", so to speak, before they were born.

But even so, as parents we must try to always keep the connection open, if it's possible, for our child. I know some of us worry about how our child's Birthmother will react knowing that some day, our child may want to contact him, meet him, spend time with him, and so forth.

Do you have any helpful wisdom you would like to share? And have your thoughts changed over time?

Karen

For the people involved in Dj's life, I hope he has changed.

I know Angie grieves for Colby's loss of Dj in his life. The way I see it is I have given Angie all the information I have on him. From here its solely Angie's call if she gets involved with Dj. She knows how I feel about him; and that he refused to be involved in Colby's life until Abrazo called. Holly told him his abandonment of me, while knowing I was pregnant, was basis for termination of his rights. My stipulations would be to be extremely careful and to not let him know anything about me- especially where I am, how to get a hold of me etc.

I know Angie would be cautious, her biggest concern would be the safety of her family. If they did develop a healthy relationship then thats great for them, and for Colby.

But these previously absent birthfather's are such wildcards. They could be criminals, drug addicts, abusive, or they could have totally reformed. I know Dj knows that Abrazo handled the adoption. If he wanted contact I guess thats where it would have to start. By not seeking it I think that gives away his stance on a relationship.

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I honestly think it depends on what state you are in. Some states have grandparent's rights but I don't know which ones. This is a question you may want to ask Abrazo personally for the correct answer.

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Is there any way the father's parents can fight the adoption?

Welcome, JustMe817! Glad you've joined the Forum; it's a great place to get information and find support.

I am NOT a lawyer, so if you need legal advice, just call Abrazo and let us know if it's okay to have our attorney's office call you directly.

But in answer to your question, in the State of Texas, there is no such thing as "grandparents rights" where a newborn is concerned, because grandparents do not have standing to intervene. They have to prove to the courts that they have had a "significant prior relationship" with the child in question, or that the child had been left in their sole care and custody for a lengthy period of time, and if you're expecting, that's just not possible for them to make that case.

And under current Texas law, unless their son is legally married to you or has completed paternity testing to get himself legally-adjudicated as the father of the baby, he does not have any automatic claim to your child. Texas changed its paternity laws a year ago, and unwed fathers now are not even necessarily entitled to legal notice of an adoption plan (unless they register in advance, with the Voluntary Paternity Registry.) Ideally, you want to talk with the baby's father about what you both want for your child's future and how best to accomplish those goals; if you can come to some agreement, it certainly makes for a better plan for everyone. But if not, then as the baby's legal parent, it falls to you to make the best choices you can for your child, whether or not he chooses to participate.

The only way for a father's parents to fight an adoption would be for them to fund his lawsuit, if he were to fight for custody; he would then have to prove to a court that he'd been financially supporting the mother throughout pregnancy, acting as a responsible father since learning of the conception, and that having the baby placed permanently with him would be in the baby's best interests.

If you make an adoption plan through a licensed agency like Abrazo, then it becomes the agency's responsibility to handle any litigation involving the child, so you don't have to be fighting anyone who disagrees with your plans-- they would be fighting us, so not to worry. (Our attorneys are really good.)

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Thank you so much.

Is there any way the father's parents can fight the adoption?

Welcome, JustMe817! Glad you've joined the Forum; it's a great place to get information and find support.

I am NOT a lawyer, so if you need legal advice, just call Abrazo and let us know if it's okay to have our attorney's office call you directly.

But in answer to your question, in the State of Texas, there is no such thing as "grandparents rights" where a newborn is concerned, because grandparents do not have standing to intervene. They have to prove to the courts that they have had a "significant prior relationship" with the child in question, or that the child had been left in their sole care and custody for a lengthy period of time, and if you're expecting, that's just not possible for them to make that case.

And under current Texas law, unless their son is legally married to you or has completed paternity testing to get himself legally-adjudicated as the father of the baby, he does not have any automatic claim to your child. Texas changed its paternity laws a year ago, and unwed fathers now are not even necessarily entitled to legal notice of an adoption plan (unless they register in advance, with the Voluntary Paternity Registry.) Ideally, you want to talk with the baby's father about what you both want for your child's future and how best to accomplish those goals; if you can come to some agreement, it certainly makes for a better plan for everyone. But if not, then as the baby's legal parent, it falls to you to make the best choices you can for your child, whether or not he chooses to participate.

The only way for a father's parents to fight an adoption would be for them to fund his lawsuit, if he were to fight for custody; he would then have to prove to a court that he'd been financially supporting the mother throughout pregnancy, acting as a responsible father since learning of the conception, and that having the baby placed permanently with him would be in the baby's best interests.

If you make an adoption plan through a licensed agency like Abrazo, then it becomes the agency's responsibility to handle any litigation involving the child, so you don't have to be fighting anyone who disagrees with your plans-- they would be fighting us, so not to worry. (Our attorneys are really good.)

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