Who Is (or Isn't) Cut Out for Adoption?

[Stork Central]

A very relevant checklist of questions for potential adoptive parents (gathered by a parent who adopted) was published today in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel; if the link doesn't work, check out the text, below...

Are You Cut Out for Adopting?

Experts Spell Out the Hard Questions to Ask Yourself[

By LAURA VELICER (Special to the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel)

Posted: Nov. 11, 2006

"The focus is always on changing the child - like getting them to function better, which is good - but you need to transform or it won't work." - Brenda McCreight, family therapist and adoptive mother of 12 in British Columbia

Madonna's doing it, Angelina Jolie did it twice, and in the '70s, Mia Farrow did it 10 times over.

Mere mortals adopt, too.

In fact, according to the Adoption Institute, 1.5 million adopted children live in America. The U.S. Census Bureau says 125,000 are adopted each year.

It's easy to feel the tug when we see pictures of wide-eyed, hopeful orphans, or read about the half-million American children in need of permanent homes, according to the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry.

But committing yourself to a lifetime of adoptive parenting?

That's a different story. It can be a tale with a powerful ending if you do your homework up front.

20 key questions

Family therapist Brenda McCreight, mother of 12 adopted and two biological children, and author of three adoption-focused books, says the most important question to ask yourself is this:

Am I willing to be turned into the parent the child needs me to be?

"The focus is always on changing the child - like getting them to function better, which is good - but you need to transform or it won't work," says McCreight, who lives in British Columbia.

Raising any child can be challenging, McCreight says. "They're not potted plants. With some kids, you'll have challenges on a daily basis" that might be related to their start in life, which you might not have anything to do with, she says.

Steve Anderson of Glendale, father of three children from Romania, wisely advises adoptive parents to expect a radical lifestyle change, especially if you haven't been a parent before. "Your priorities change 180 degrees, from you to them. Your needs come second or third. But you grow to expect that, and it becomes the high point in your life," he says.

The more flexible you are, the better you can meet your child's unique needs and be an effective parent.

Consider this related question, according to Adoption Resources of Wisconsin social worker Leah Elston, who conducts pre- and post-adoption training for parents:

What is my motivation to adopt?

Admittedly, deciding to become a parent is "all about you and building what you want (in life), but do you have enough of the other stuff, like wanting to raise a healthy, productive child? It's a broader picture; do I just want to save a child or do I want to parent?" Elston says.

Think about these other questions as well:

What kind of adoption am I comfortable with, and how much can I spend?

You can develop a relationship with birth parents in open adoptions, work within the foster care system, adopt internationally, or locally. Identify the kind of child you'd want - infant or older, special needs or none apparent, your ethnic background or another. Fees vary. Check www.childwelfare.gov for licensed agencies by state and for funding options.

How long can I wait? Some adoptions take just months to finalize; others take years.

If infertility has led me to adoption, have I resolved those issues, realizing they may never completely go away, and allowed myself to grieve? The child you adopt is not the birth child you imagined. Adjust your expectations accordingly.

Am I ready to be an open book? You'll start by sharing your life story with a social worker, and then probably face countless questions throughout the years from strangers and friends alike.

What are my adoption expectations? You may imagine the day you meet your child and she throws her arms around your neck. Realistically, however, "You've been looking at this child's picture for so long but . . . you're a stranger to this child," says Deb Sumiec, mother of a daughter from Russia and another from China, and a certified adoption social worker and trainer for Special Children Inc. in Elm Grove.

"They've already lost their birth parents and their caregivers," and now you're expecting them to run to your outstretched arms? "We can't expect our children to feel unscathed" by their experiences, Sumiec says. So adjust based on their needs.

How will I talk with my kids about adoption? Experts today agree openness is best, but how much you share depends on the child's age and the circumstances surrounding the adoption.

How do I feel about educating myself on adoption issues, and educating others along the way? From gently correcting people's incorrect terminology ("placed for adoption" vs. "given up") to gracefully handling hurtful comments in front of little ears ("Oh, you took the easy way out and adopted"), you assume the role of educator.

And if you adopt a child with special needs, you'll need to become well-versed in educating not only yourself about those challenges, but advocating on behalf of your child to other family members, friends and teachers.

Are there medical and mental health professionals in my community skilled in handling adoption issues? If not, be willing to find them elsewhere.

How will I handle issues specifically related to adoption? Some older children may find birthdays difficult because it reminds them of unknowns. Some children may face racism if they're adopted by parents of different ethnic backgrounds.

For example, do you know what it's like to be Chinese in America? You may not, but your daughter will. You won't be able to provide all the answers and experiences firsthand to help her navigate life, so you'll need to tap resources for help.

You'll also need to balance between watching for adoption-related issues and assuming all problems are adoption-based. "It could just be normal kid stuff!" says Sumiec.

Am I willing to connect my child with his heritage if it's different than mine? Support and social groups, such as Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption, give your child a chance to just be a kid with other kids like him.

Likewise, are you willing to celebrate your own heritage? Celebrating diversity "teaches the children that even if they're not part of the majority, the differences (among us) make us unique and really special," Sumiec says.

Am I comfortable not knowing all the details of my child's past, including medical histories? Accepting the unknown becomes part of your daily existence, and you'll need to help your child grow to accept that, too.

How much support will my extended family give? If it's not much, that's "not a reason to stop the adoption," says McCreight. But we have to know "what we do with that when Mom and Dad don't come for Christmas," she adds.

Can I handle heartbreak and disappointment? "If a biological child smokes dope at 15, you work through it. If it's an adopted child, it's a big panic," McCreight says. "Anyone can cope with the good times. But how are you going to cope with the bad times?" she says.

Can I lean on others? In a North American Council on Adoptable Children keynote address, McCreight said she has a "deep respect for adoptive families because most of us cope very well with the transformation from a typical family to a family that daily has to deal with challenges that our friends and families only read about."

In the name of your own mental health, and in becoming a better parent, find others who share your struggles and joys.

Sumiec says, "Not only will your child benefit . . . but you'll grow from that."

Are you ready for anything? Post-institutionalized and other children who experienced neglect or abuse may very well have developmental delays that surface years after the adoption.

Am I willing to let my child take me on a journey instead of imposing my expectations on her? Most children, biological or adopted, surprise their parents with unexpected interests or needs. It's your job to find your child's niche, says Sumiec.

She adds, "Are you willing to wear out the knees of your pants?" because your child needed more of that kind of play than you expected?

Do I believe love isn't the be-all, end-all? "Of course, time and love help a great deal, but they won't heal everything," Sumiec says. Find support and keep the faith.

Can I go the distance? Adoptive families are often called "forever families" so children understand their family's permanence. You might need to prove that time and again. As McCreight said in her address, "What sometimes feels like your child's inability to learn from her mistakes is really her need to be shown that you are rock-steady."

McCreight says it's important to maintain a balanced perspective when you choose to adopt. "There are huge payoffs," she says. "You'll have heartache, you'll have trauma, but boy, when they hug you, the universe gets better. (Adoption) puts more value into your life. . . . You don't take any moment for granted," she says.

Sumiec says that despite challenges, "My children have taken me spiritually, physically and emotionally to places I never (knew I'd) go. I credit them," she says.

----------------------------

Laura Velicer is the mother of three adopted children.

From the Nov. 12, 2006 editions of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel

[MarceloandClaudia]

Thanks Stork Central for those reminders of why we came into adoption and how important it is to re-focus constantly on the important stuff!

Claudia

[ElizabethAnn]

In Missouri this week, a judge ruled against an adoption petition filed by a 500 lb. man and his wife, who had been fostering an infant born to a relative they'd been hoping to permanently adopt. Read the story, here. A subsequent article in Christianity Today explores the extent to which an adoptive parent's lifestyle should-- or should not-- be considered when one is charged with weighing the "best interests of the child." Where do you stand on this question?

[mbell]

In Missouri this week, a judge ruled against an adoption petition filed by a 500 lb. man and his wife, . . . weighing the "best interests of the child."

Need to read first, just thought the word choice was amusing

[Dale and Amanda]

Weight is always such a delicate issue, whether someone weighs too little or too much.

I'm curious if someone who is anorexic would be considered as an adoptive parent, considering there are major health risks there.

Also, with mobility being the issue for the 500 lb. man, would someone with physical handicaps be discounted as well? What about chronic diseases? People with major heart history issues? I know that many agencies stop at certain ages. How old is too old to adopt?

I know that we want to give children the best life possible. A life without any issues is not reality. I know that we already face issues having a transracial family. I will do the best I can. That is pretty much the same with my weight issues. Arianna doesn't miss out on anything because of my weight. I am not an obese person that sits on the sofa all day. I never have been. I hated having a desk job because I don't like to be still. Arianna loves going for our walks (well, she's still in the stroller)!

I think that it would be best to leave as a case by case basis. If a SW feels that the family would be a good fit and would provide a good home, I don't understand why a judge wouldn't consent to it. The one thing I didn't see mentioned is if the man has gained the weight since their first adoption (since it did say that this is the same judge that granted the first one). That could be a red flag.

Just my thoughts...

[ElizabethAnn]

You raise some very good points!

Speaking for our own agency, I think that an adoptive parent with an unresolved case of anorexia nervosa would certainly be expected to complete treatment and be symptom-free for a year or more before being approved to adopt. (Anorexia is, after all, a psychiatric condition identified in the D.S.M.; while obesity is not.)

Interestingly, the news reports I've read state that this foster father was the exact same weight at the time of the first adoption approved by that same judge, which raises the question why it was any greater a factor the second time-around? (I'm wondering, from the judicial response, whether there might have been another issue not disclosed by the foster parents to the press? Or if the first adoption was approved based on a promise to lose weight, something that did not subsequently happen?)

The greater concern, from my perspective, is not mobility but morbidity. Given that adopted children are already subject to loss issues, obviously, we hope to place them in homes in which the new parents have a reasonably-long life expectancy, as best as anyone can tell. We do risk assessment, and we try to synchronize the needs of a greatest child with the best qualifications of those in each prospective home. It's not a perfect science, of course. But hopefully, it does work more often than it doesn't??

[ElizabethAnn]

ABC News has picked up the same story today: click here. The comments that follow seem to suggest a societal discomfort with the idea of selectivity, where adoptive homes are concerned. yet, it's important to remember that anyone making the decision to approve or not approve any placement must see all the facts (the homestudy, the criminal checks, the medical records, etc.) in order to make a wise decision. In this case, the public is being "fed" only one reason for the judge's ruling, which may not, in truth, have been the only factor in his decision...

[Dale and Amanda]

One thing about obesity is that there is an issue there (at least healthwise) and it is one that CANNOT be hidden. People can drink too much, be workaholics, complete slobs or most anything else and you can hide it if you choose to (at least for the duration of an adoption). Pre- and post-placement appointments are made in advance, so many of the issues that may cause concern are able to be "cleaned up" for the necessary time.

If adoption professionals wanted to, they could look closely enough to disqualify many if not most potential adoptive parents. As professional as a person tries to be, it is a subjective evaluation...personal opinion counts.

[ElizabethAnn]

This is one of those painful stories we all cringe at: Tyler's Mother's Very Bad Day. It's easy to villainize this woman, but the truth is, it could potentially happen to any parent in a moment of rage (no matter how much we'd like to think we'd never lose control and hurt a child like this.) She had reportedly acquired the child through private adoption arrangements in Indiana (which begs the question whether Interstate Compact has been/is now involved?)

This tragedy stands as an agonizing reminder of how truly insufficient a homestudy is, in predicting a parent's capacities, and yet, what a necessary precaution, given how few other tools we have for assessing the homes into which our most vulnerable clients are to be placed. (To read how one first mom views the subject-- and be forewarned, it's not warm and fuzzy-- click here.)

Praying for Tyler, his first family-- and yes, Melanie and her family, as well.

[Stork Central]

Here's an update in the case of the obese truck driver who recently underwent gastric bypass in hopes of persuading a judge who'd ruled against his private adoption petition to reconsider.

[Stork Central]

A state court judge previously accused of ruling against the Stocklauer family allegedly due to the father's weight problems today revealed that it was not a weight issue but an Interstate Compact violation that caused his denial of their earlier custody petition: read the whole story, here.

[ElizabethAnn]

A colleague of mine in the adoption field sent me this today, and it made me flinch. Perhaps it does reflect the "real" feelings of some who adopt, or maybe it's an unfair anthology of the worst of 'em, but it makes me even more thankful for those within the Abrazo community who truly do "walk the walk" and who stick around the Forum and attend Camp and by their influence help others to be more compassionate in their adoption journeys, for the children's sake.

(Warning: this is painful to read and may cause one's blood pressure to sky-rocket... at least I hope it does!)

What (Some) Adoptive Parents Say When They Think Nobody's Watching...

[DPJ]

She is most likely a failure in school with a low IQ

What the....and Shauna just graduated from Brown College with a 4.0

[Steven&Melissa]

I don't have the heart to even read all of these... I hear ignorant things from adoptive parents all the time and it makes my blood boil. "Adoptive parents who never should have adopted in the first place and should most certainly never adopt again" has been a theme in my reading this week, so it's funny Elizabeth posted this link. This theme started earlier this week when I was reading a post made by a Parents Magazine blogger called Adopting a Dog Vs. Adopting a Child - uhmmm... really? Not only did I post my candid opinion but I "unliked" Parents Magazine on Facebook and then slathered my opinion all over the internet about it. If you can't decide between a dog or a child - or you even place them in the same arena of thought - or you call children "unwanted" - etc etc etc - I want to personally make sure you can't ever adopt another child again. How toxic to that child's upbringing that they have a parent who would not only talk like this, but share their opinions for the whole world to see!

It's so sad to me to think that there are people out there who are so desperate to have a baby that they look at adoption as a last-ditch means of building their family. What they should be adopting is a much healthier attitude and outlook toward adoption, birth parents and children-once-adopted as a whole. I almost feel embarrassed for AP's in general when I read stuff like this... they're giving us a bad name!

[NicandRaj]

WOW! I could only read the first page. How truly awful and selfish these people are. There is no consideration that these children have any positive feelings about their birth parents, which blows my mind. My heart breaks for their children and their birth parents.

I read the blog that Melissa mentioned and it was really appalling. It seems like the author was attempting to be funny but if so, her writing sucks. Never write something that you wouldn't want your child to read.

[BDP21]

I couldn't read much at all - it just makes me so angry and sad. We don't officially yet share family but I LOVE J so much already that if anyone ever said anything like that about her, I think I'd jump out of my skin! So infuriating that they don't see what they're doing. Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

[donnag]

A colleague of mine in the adoption field sent me this today, and it made me flinch. Perhaps it does reflect the "real" feelings of some who adopt, or maybe it's an unfair anthology of the worst of 'em, but it makes me even more thankful for those within the Abrazo community who truly do "walk the walk" and who stick around the Forum and attend Camp and by their influence help others to be more compassionate in their adoption journeys, for the children's sake.

(Warning: this is painful to read and may cause one's blood pressure to sky-rocket... at least I hope it does!)

What (Some) Adoptive Parents Say When They Think Nobody's Watching...

Some of those posts are just awful! These people have no business adopting children!

Edited June 16, 2011 by donnag

[ElizabethAnn]

Today, another adoptee blog discussed these quotes and how the attitudes contained therein seep into societal perspectives as well as adoption politics....

BUSTED: Adoptive Parents Speak

In the interest of full disclosure (and perhaps in an example of inexplicable irony), this piece also includes a published quote by one of our own, Abrazomom and renowned novelist, Jacquelyn Mitchard.

As the godmother of a son borne for Jackie and her husband Chris by a surrogate after Jackie adopted her first two daughters at Abrazo, I know Jackie and her children well. I know they speak openly about the birthparents of their kids, and I can imagine Jackie saying this to her Francie in the same tone in which I shame my kids into behaving with threats that Santa is watching. I, too, have been guilty of referring to my sons as "brats" on choice occasions, although I am not proud of admitting it and though I've never been literate enough to add the word "writhing" because I'm not sure how to pronounce it.

Jackie has enjoyed continuing contact with her daughters' birth moms over the years, so I know she would've written the referenced piece in full candor, knowing they might well read it and identify with her maternal frustration.

I admit, though, that I may be biased, and others may well find Jackie's quoted remark as disturbing as all the others.

If there's one productive takeaway lesson to be learned from all of this, maybe it's just that we all must remember that the institution of adoption that makes families possible is inevitably impacted by what we all say about it--and how we say it-- and ultimately, it's our words (all of them) that will eventually shape how our children view their origins, as well.