You rarely hear about the toll it takes on everybody involved, when kids have kids. Having a baby can be a blessing, but it isn’t ever “easy.” Birthing planned babies can even be stressful for adults. But an unplanned pregnancy is even more traumatic for young moms-to-be. Research shows it takes a financial toll on their families. It can cause educational and vocational limitations for both young moms and dads. And the outcome for their children can be even more bleak, according to child welfare experts. The kids borne by young parents are typically more prone to abuse and neglect, poverty, inadequate healthcare, obesity, educational challenges, and/or homelessness.
When Kids Have Kids, All The Kids May Suffer
Consider Lissa (name has been changed.) At the age of 12, she had sex for the first time, and a little less than nine months later, she unexpectedly went into labor in the family’s one bathroom. She hadn’t known she was pregnant, because she hadn’t even been getting a regular period yet. She felt big pain “down there,” saw blood and screamed for her mother. That’s how she and her family learned firsthand the trauma of when kids have kids.
It wasn’t just that Lissa wasn’t even through with junior high, nor that her family was already on food stamps. She hadn’t even had her first boyfriend yet, so her mother (who had also been a teen mom herself) was mystified how her little girl had gotten “in the family way.” It was a social worker at the hospital who broke the news to Lissa’s mom that the baby’s father was a relative, meaning law enforcement also had to get involved.
Lissa already loved that tiny baby she’d birthed in the bathroom, but even at her young age, she knew adoption would be the best choice she could make. As she wrote in a note she printed for her baby on a scrap of notebook paper: “I love you baby but I m not ready to be the mom you need, I m sorry.” In her mind, nobody in her family was fit to protect her baby if they hadn’t protected her. (And sadly, she was right.) Even at her age, she knew adoption could offer her child better prospects than the cards life had already dealt her.
Parenting Gone Wrong: The Siders Case
It brings to mind another mother in the news lately: Elizabeth Russell of Ohio was pregnant at age 15 she married Gary Siders, Jr. who was 18 years old. Just two months after their wedding, Elizabeth Siders delivered the first of the 18 children she would reportedly birth over a 17 year period. Now the Siders, along with his parents, are incarcerated on child endangerment charges, following the discovery of the couples’ 16 children allegedly all living in squalor in a 12×12 foot room.
This case has yet to go to court, meaning nobody’s been convicted of any wrongdoing yet. But the facts seem to affirm that Elizabeth Russell Siders had been desperate to escape a dysfunctional home life as a teen. And teen pregnancy and underage marriage were not uncommon in the family of the boy she married. Coupled with poverty and lack of education, the odds were good that the multiple children born to that union were unlikely to benefit from the advantages of families with greater stability. Granted, neither birth control nor adoption always a perfect solution. The Siders’ story, however the legal process may turn out, seems to stand as proof that love is not all that’s needed when kids have kids.
All children deserve to grow up in a safe and clean household with parents who are committed to providing them with access to schooling, healthcare, protection and nurture. The 16 Siders children (ages 17 months to 19 years), their two parents and two grandparents were sharing a rented home with just one bathroom. None of the kids were in school, and all were sharing a single room filled with garbage and human waste. However, the family was on state assistance, so where was Child Protective Services? And how many other kids in similar circumstances have yet to be found and rescued? None of the four adults in the Siders home seem to have been qualified to parent effectively– at any age. All 16 children will forever have to bear the scars of this tragic failure.
Why Teen Parenting is Too Often Destined for Failure
We know that historically, people became parents at a much younger age than is common now, so why does it matter when kids have kids? The short answer is that a century ago, contraceptives did not exist and unwed pregnancy was considered culturally unacceptable. In recent years, however, the age of menses onset has fallen to 11.9 in the USA, due to rising BMIs, childhood stress and environmental factors.
There are times when kids have kids and have the sort of support systems, parental support and community resources that do enable them to keep their children and raise them (themselves, more or less.) However, free supplies and plenty of help still cannot mitigate all of the risks of unwanted teenage pregnancy (or preteen pregnancy.) “Biologic immaturity” refers to the problems that arise when a female body is not yet developed to the point that reproduction is optimal. This reading details some of those problems.
Open adoption can be one healthy alternative when kids have kids, as it gives them time to grow up themselves while being able to see their child grow up with the adoptive family of their choice. It is not a perfect solution, because it still entails the ambiguous grief of knowing they “lost” the opportunity to raise their child themselves, but it also offers the assurance of getting to know how and where that child is, while the young birthparent completes their own education and pursues their own goals in life without the added financial instability of premature parenthood. Have questions about adoption? Find some answers here.
When kids have kids, everyone needs support: the young mom, the young dad, their parents and most of all, the baby. Abrazo is here to help: whether what’s needed is free family counseling, placement options, and/or referrals to local parenting resources. Call us anytime: 210-342-5683.
