Once upon a time the parents who didn’t listen used to be a childless couple who really wanted to adopt (but wanted to do it their way.) They’d heard of a little adoption agency in San Antonio called Abrazo that was doing big things, so they signed up and came to the Parents of Tomorrow orientation. That, really, was where the first wheel fell off their proverbial bus. Because that was where they heard all about open adoption, and listened to Real Life Birthparents talk about how hard it was to give a baby up for adoption– yet somehow, they failed to truly listen with their hearts.
From the Start
Other couples around them seemed really moved by the experience, but the parents who didn’t listen apparently just wished them well with “all that.” Maybe open adoption was something those folks could live with, but the parents who didn’t listen didn’t want to have to share the baby they were going to adopt with anyone but their own relatives. (It didn’t occur to them that the birth family were the “own” relatives of any child they would adopt, it seems?)
They didn’t have any problem with talking with the baby’s parents during the pregnancy, and maybe they were okay with some communication after placement for awhile, as well? After all, they didn’t want to rock the boat.
And it wasn’t as if they didn’t appreciate the birthparents helping to make them parents, either. They just weren’t going to go out of their way to stay in touch, because they wanted to be their child’s only everything. (Forever.) Who could blame them, they may have thought, after all they had to go through just to have a family of their own? There was all that paperwork, and then all those expenses… why shouldn’t they get to just go on with their lives like everybody else? That’s the point when another wheel fell off, metaphorically-speaking. Because people who think that way are only thinking of themselves.
After the Adoption
Perhaps the birthparents tried to keep the relationship going, or maybe they lost hope (and who wouldn’t?) Either way, the parents who didn’t listen forgot (or ignored) the contracts they signed at Abrazo, the ones where they agreed to start telling the adopted child his or her actual adoption story from Day One. They didn’t send in the annual reports they’d promised to mail the agency by December 15 each year, And they didn’t come back to Texas for Camp Abrazo, and forget about sending in donations to help the agency help others. Why should they, they thought? They’d gotten what they came for, and besides, the topic of adoption almost never even came up in their home anymore. (Imagine that.)
Adoption just wasn’t a part of their lives anymore (or so they thought.) It made them smile whenever people commented on how much the child they’d adopted looked just like them. They no longer felt any need to read any books about adoption or attend conferences or even just talk about adoption-related subjects at the dinner table. Eventually, even they forgot parts of their child’s adoption story, because it really didn’t seem to matter, since it never came up. (Or so they thought.) And there goes another wheel.
But there was at least one person who never forgot, and that was their child. Whether or not their child felt secure enough to ask the questions out loud, he/she never stopped wondering. Why had they been placed for adoption? Who did they (really) look like? Why did their parents seem so willing to forget or ignore the one life event that had so dramatically changed the adoptee’s future forever? How could they not think the adoptee might really need someone to at least ask how they felt about it?
The Adoptee Perspective
See, here’s the thing: when an adoption is planned for a baby, the placing parents and adopting parents and the adoption professionals all have their say in it. And yet, the adoptee (the one person for whom all those plans get made) does not. They have to live with the decision (good or bad) and they’re expected to go through life being grateful– even though nobody thinks to check back with them and get their take on it.
If you’re wondering how we know this is something that bothers or angers or upset adoptees, it’s because very often, adoption professionals are the ones who end up hearing from them about it. When birthparents lose contact or don’t respond or when adoptive parents never share the adoption story or fail to keep their open adoption promises or don’t give the adoptee the letters or gifts the birthparents sent them, it’s the adoptee who bears the brunt of that loss. So it’s the adoption professional who hears about it– from the adoptee. Because we must listen. (It’s our job, after all.)
No matter how diligent the adoption professional thought they were being in their preparation of the birthparents and the adopting parents, if the open adoption didn’t stay open, chances are that on one side or the other, you’ll find the parents who didn’t listen, and ultimately, that professional is responsible, too. Because we’re the ones who are charged with protecting the best interests of the child who gets adopted, and it is to that child, young or fully-grown, to whom we must all be accountable.
How The Parents Who Didn’t Listen Can Course-Correct
Sometimes, some parents do come to realize their error before that fourth and final wheel falls off. Maybe the adoptee tells someone else how they’re feeling, or starts to struggle at school or at home in a way that clues the parents in that a change is needed. Or perhaps the parents (whether they placed or adopted) start wishing they’d done things differently. While it may not be possible to fully open an adoption back up years later in a way that benefits the adoptee as it might have had they always had access and answers, it’s always better to try to fill in the missing blanks sooner than later (or never at all.)
At Abrazo, we are always willing to try to help the parents who didn’t listen (or couldn’t accept our counsel) do right by the child/ren they adopted or placed. We can’t promise a perfect outcome, of course, but we’ll always try to help the adoptee and his/her parents hear each other and rebuild healthy connections. We may refer them to adoption therapists, when optimal, or put them in touch with others who have conquered similar challenges. Even decades later, we’re still here to help, because we owe it to the adoptee (and so do you.)
After all, modeling your willingness to learn from your mistakes is the best way any parent can help their child grow, as well– at any age. And going from being the parents who didn’t listen to the parents that did just might help you get your own wheels back, in the process.
