It happened again– somebody called this adoption agency known for ethical, fully open adoptions asking if we do “semi-adoption adoption.” (Really? What was the last semi-open book you ever read and loved?)
For years (32, to be exact) we’ve been working to educate the public about the fact that semi-open adoption is actually an oxymoron. Why? Because if openness is about honesty, either you IS or you isn’t.
Adoption is a sacred vow, a covenant between all the adult who love each child most. There’s no being “semi-committed” to a child’s needs. There’s no being “semi-honest” with a child about his or her people. And there’s no “semi-appreciating” the sacrifice by which somebody else made it possible for you to build your family. Semi-open is semi-closed, after all.
So once more, for the folks in the back: open adoption is about adoption by the Golden Rule. Which means that if (God forbid) you found yourself on the other side and having to forfeit your parental rights for the good of a child you dearly love(d) but could not raise, for whatever reason, what would you need to be able to live with your decision to place that child for adoption?
Semi-Open Adoption: Best-Matched with Semi-Pregnant
We think the people who want a semi-open adoption should focus on matching with expectant moms who are semi-pregnant. (We know, it sounds ridiculous, which is exactly how “semi-open” sounds to us.) Think about it: those who want to limit the depth of their connections with their adopted child’s biological relatives are likely to be the best fit for those who aren’t fully-committed to carrying to term, either.
We know, we’ve heard all the reasons/excuses… we don’t want to have to “share their child” with anybody; we’re afraid the birthparents may somehow be dangerous; we need to feel like the child’s “real” parents; we think it’s better for the child to not know them until they’re grown… we, we, we. That’s all about what the adults want/need/think, which is adopter-centric thinking, not child-centered adoption planning. Yet adoption is supposed to be about what will be best for the child who must be adopted, and about the adult adoptee they will someday become.
And most prospective birthmothers who endure 40 weeks of pregnancy and then go through hard labor will want to know where the baby they place will be going, and with whom. Even if they don’t know in advance how they’re going to manage all the emotions of placement, they’re going to need to know how that child they surrendered is doing. (And they sure as heck deserve to know that their loving sacrifice was never forgotten.)
Those who lack the empathy and decency to do that much for their adopted child’s first parents should maybe think about getting a goldfish or a gerbil, instead. That way, there’s no need to deal with sending out any pesky post-placement progress notes nor texting photos or coming back for visits, doufeelme?
Learn a Little in Advance. (Your child may thank you.)
Lest we seem harsh, we apologize. (Kind of, but not really.) After all, we just returned from our 32nd annual Camp Abrazo, and spending a weekend amongst children and their birthfamilies and adoptive families all together makes it that much harder to remember why some people are still resistant to the concept of open adoption. (That’s our bad.)We’ve got more than three decades of proof that open adoption works far better than semi-open adoption or semi-closed adoption, after all.
People still like to think open adoption is something new (even though it isn’t.) There are those who watch wayyy too many Lifetime movies, instead of reading great books about why adoptees are better off when they know their own truth right from the start. (Many would-be adopters have loss or control issues that should optimally be resolved on a therapist’s couch before starting the adoption process, if we’re totally honest?)
See, here’s the thing: ethical adoption is about what is doing right by each child being adopted, right from the start. (Not using a vulnerable baby or child as an adult’s emotional recovery support accessory.) Everybody approaches the adoption process with feelings, whether they’re placing, adopting or getting adopted. But a little pre-adoption homework and training can truly go a long way towards addressing the feels. (If you’re adopting, and feeling nervous or unsure, here’s a good starting point.)
Not every adoptee wants to know their birth history, but every adoptee should have the right to know it. Why? Because it’s theirs. And their interest in their family of origin (and/or knowing them) may vary over time. (Hint: it’s normal.) Don’t make them wait until after you’re gone to do whatever feels right to them.
Here’s the Real Deal, Friend
There are differing levels of contact in a fully-open adoption, and communication is always necessarily conditioned upon the needs of the child. It’s not about joint custody nor co-parenting. An open adoption agreement is a voluntary commitment between the placing parents and the adopting parents, none of whom can commit the adoptee to their relationship– that’s for him &/or her to decide once they’re grown. Open adoption terms can be subject to change, just like any other adult relationships, as the years go by and if everyone agrees.
But unlike semi-open adoption, in which one party typically makes promises conditioned upon getting what they most want from the other, a truly open adoption is an agreement between adults to stay connected for the good of the adoptee, so he or she never lacks the answers and/or any access they may need to feel whole. What could possibly be more important?
So a few key concepts to keep mind, to make open adoption work better than semi-open adoption ever could:
- Never make any promises you know you won’t/can’t keep.
- Only match with people you’re truly certain you like and trust.
- Always keep lines of communication open… it’s worth the effort in the end.
As someone once said: the days are long, but the years are short. Life is fleeting, and parenting is the biggest job you’ll ever have. So don’t settle for being any less than fully-awesome parents, nor for a semi-open adoption plan that denies your child the blessings of lifelong truth and connection.
