Imagine having a baby you weren’t expecting and that you’re not ready for, then consider this: how does a parent in a crisis make a smart adoption decision, when they’re facing what feels like the worst situation in their life?
Sometimes, she’s a panicked teen about to graduate, whose parents have no idea their daughter has even had sex yet. She might be a college co-ed whose boyfriend left her when he found out she was pregnant. Or she may be a married woman who had a hookup with someone else when she thought her husband had left her. Occasionally, she’s a surrogate whose baby’s intended parents pulled out of the birth plan. Or they’re a married couple with too little stability and too many children at home already. Still other times, she’s a victim of date rape or sexual assault. Or she’s a grandmother who didn’t think she could even conceive again and found out at a hospital her abdominal pain wasn’t an appendicitis but a baby. It could even be that he’s a new dad who took home a baby the mama did not want, only to find out that parenting is not compatible with his work schedule or his lifestyle.
At Abrazo, we find there are lots of different reasons why people who never thought they’d be in this position find themselves having to make a smart adoption decision. The mamas who choose to work with us come from all different backgrounds. The only things they usually have in common is that they’re good people in bad circumstances trying to make wise choices for their future– and their child’s.
How long does it take to make a smart adoption decision?
That’s the question that’s been posed to Texas legislators recently. (Most of whom are male, by the way.) The vast majority have never had to consider giving up a baby for adoption. And over half, arguably, are well beyond their own reproductive years.
Yet the Texas House just advanced something called HB4730 which would prohibit any parent who’s gone through days, weeks or months of adoption planning from legally completing her commitment of their baby for adoption for a full week after the birth– and then would permit them to revoke their adoption commitment after that for another sixty days. In short, one has to ask: how can anyone make a smart adoption decision if Texas law potentially leaves any child’s future to hang in the balance until they’re nine weeks old? Why are Texas lawmakers making adoption harder on both the parents and the children?
See, here’s the thing: in Texas, any parent who is considering placing a baby for adoption can already take as long as they want or need to decide whether or not to sign the papers relinquishing their child for adoption. Some parents sign two days after the birth, which is the soonest the law in Texas allows them to make that choice. Some opt to put their child in cradle care or foster care while they take time to heal from the birth and decide to make a smart adoption decision. Other parents might take the baby home for a few weeks or a few months (or years) until they’re sure whether or not adoption is a smart decision. But once the relinquishment paperwork is signed in Texas, it’s irrevocable, which means there’s no going back on it, so the child’s future is not at risk just because a birthparent had a bad day or gets pressured by relatives to undo their smart decision.
To make a smart adoption decision, know your options and your rights.
Ethics matter. Start with choosing an ethical, licensed Texas adoption agency that’s been around for more than 20 years, The agencies that are in adoption for the right reasons never try to “sell you” on adoption or move you out-of-state or offer you money to give a baby up for adoption. They won’t rush you into any decisions you aren’t ready to make.
What they/we will do is talk with you about the alternatives to adoption, about the emotions that often accompany the adoption decision, and about your rights if you choose adoption (and if you choose not to go through with it, too.) Ethical agencies offer you the opportunity to consult with a lawyer who doesn’t work for the adoption agency about your legal rights. We’ll discuss how adoption potentially impacts adoptees as well as their birthsiblings. We get into the benefits (and limitations) of open adoption agreements in Texas. And we’ll offer you counseling throughout the adoption process– and for as long as you may need it afterwards.
To make a smart adoption decision you need to be able to be honest with your caseworker and counselor about your needs and expectations. You’ll want to shoot straight about the baby’s father so the agency knows what his involvement should (or should not) be, given your history. And you’ll want to tell the truth about your family health history and any factors in your lifestyle that may require special medical care for you and/or your baby. You should be given the option to choose your child’s future parents and get to meet them and know them personally before you sign relinquishment documents.
Make the best choice you can
Most importantly: take whatever time you need, and don’t sign adoption papers until you feel ready. It’s never an easy choice, and it’s normal to wonder about the “what if’s.” Nobody has a crystal ball that can foretell the future, so every adoption decision is a leap of faith.
But to make a make a smart adoption decision is to balance what your heart feels with what your head knows. You trust that you’ve considered all available options, and that you are making the best possible choice given the reality of your life right now and the hopes you hold for the future of that child.
And then, you take that leap of faith knowing that the adoption plan you’ve put into place so carefully is the safety net you want for your baby– or you don’t, knowing that even if you leap in a different direction, the net will appear. Because to make a smart adoption decision can mean going through with adoption, or walking away, and knowing that either way, you’re putting your child’s best interests first.
