When it comes to open adoption do’s & don’ts, there’s the obvious and the not-so-obvious. Put the adopted child’s needs first, always. Do what you say you will. Call or text at reasonable hours. Don’t make surprise visits. Do keep each other informed of address and phone number changes. Don’t post shared photos online without the other’s permission.
The Golden Rule (“do unto others as you would have them do unto you”) is a great starting point. And yet there’s more. (Way more.) After more than 30 years of open adoption experience, Abrazo has learned a thing or two about what works best when it comes to open adoption do’s & don’ts, so we’re happy to share them here.
Do start by establishing initial (minimum) expectations
Think of open adoption as a live (and growing) process. At the start, everyone is new to this relationship and isn’t quite sure what to expect. So begin by communicating about what your bare minimum expectations are, going into this. This might look like “I don’t know how I’m going to feel, but I really want to get photos at least once a month” or “we may get overwhelmed with our parenting duties at first, but we’d really like to be able to still text with you every other week?” At Abrazo, we have a voluntary written open adoption agreement we ask placing parents and adopting parents to complete at the time of placement, so everyone is clear about what to expect, even though the State of Texas says open adoption is not legally-enforceable under the laws here. Note: in healthy open adoptions, even “minimum expectations” will be exceeded in time, as everyone becomes more comfortable with and committed to each other.
Don’t make assumptions
You know what they say about assumptions, and so do we, so we won’t repeat it, lol. And we get that even titling this blog “Open Adoption Do’s & Don’ts” sounds preachy and full of assumptions, even though we really just want to help? So… see? It’s true that you can’t hear tone in texts or words, so it’s always better to seek clarification rather than reading into emoticons or how long someone takes to respond. Birthparents are often apprehensive that the adopting parents may disappear after placement or “show their true colors” about not wanting contact, while adoptive parents too often fear that sending too many check-in messages or cute baby pics may add to a birthparent’s grief. Pick up the phone and call (or leave a message), or text back “hey, what does that mean, exactly?” or “are you okay?” Or better yet: make plans to get together and talk face-to-face. Taking the time to follow up and show you care is never a bad thing. (Trust us on this.)
Do keep your promises. (Always.)
When it comes to open adoption do’s & don’ts, one of the most important ones is to never make promises you cannot keep. (Ever.) Adoptive parents often get busy with a new baby, but it is imperative that you take responsibility for keeping the open adoption relationship going, even if a birthparent isn’t responding, for some reason. Why? Because keeping that door open is your gift to the child/ren you adopted, no matter how long it takes for a birthparent to find the courage or strength to get back in touch. And for birthparents, yes, it can be hard to balance the emotions of post-adoption grief with open adoption access. If you’re feeling overwhelmed, it’s okay to say that, and to take a time-out for a bit. But explain it first, and don’t ever ghost the adoptive family or the adoptee. (Remember, your adoption professional should always be able to provide you with counseling &/or help you express your feelings and needs to the adoptive family if you need assistance.)
Don’t bring others in without clearing it first
Whether you placed a child or adopted, your open adoption plan is the safe and loving cocoon you all built around the adoptee. It took a lot of trust (and time) to weave together your shared experience and your individual expectations. And while that cocoon may change and grow over time, nobody should bring in others (like relatives or friends) without this change being fully discussed with your child’s other parents first. We get it: life changes things, so adoptive parents or birthparents may divorce or remarry, or other relatives and friends may want to participate in visits? But at the end of the day, it’s common courtesy to never spring unexpected guests on each other (or on the adoptee) unless it’s been cleared in advance, okay?
Do give each other grace
In the most genuine relationships, nobody has to always be perfect, but early on, in open adoption, it sometimes seem like everyone is on “good behavior.” Birthparents sometimes feel they must walk on eggshells to never overstep or upset the adoptive family. (even in open adoption, and especially in states like Texas where the laws don’t back contact agreements.) Adoptive parents often worry that the birthparents may not approve of their parenting choices or regret having chosen adoption, especially if the adoptee acts out. And adoptees sometimes resent that such an important, life-altering choice as adoption was chosen for them without their input. All of these fears and concerns are normal. Communication sometimes breaks down. Visits may not always go smoothly. Remember, a little patience, kindness and grace always go a long way. Keep the lines of communication open. This is a relationship that’s worth keeping, in the end.
Open Adoption Do’s & Don’ts: keep learning
Beyond the basics of the open adoption do’s & don’ts above, there are some adoption-specific standards. Any adoptee should be referred to by their “adopted name” until or unless they legally change it. Don’t show up for visits under the influence. Never ask for nor offer money, loans or gifts of value. Do be considerate of the adoptee’s siblings, whether in the birthfamily or adoptive family. Open adoption is an agreement that the parents all made, so communication and visits should involve all those parents. Don’t just leave contact up to the kid/s. (And even if an adoptee opts out, their parents can still be friends, right?)
The best open adoptions Abrazo does are those in which the birthparents and adoptive parents have maintained their bonds over the years, while allowing the adoptee to choose for themselves how much contact they want. All the parents maintain their connection with our adoption community, and here’s the best part: they never stop learning the purpose and meaning of open adoption. They may keep researching open adoption online, or they attend Camp Abrazo or our Birthmother Homecomings, or even participate in adoption conferences on their own.
The best part if that they understand that open adoption is a lifelong family relationship which they treasure forever, along with the adoptee whom they all love so, so they keep learning how to keep making it better, for everyone involved.
