For prospective birthparents, it can be hard to know what to ask adoptive parents at first. (No worries! Abrazo helps clients through every adoption match.)
Obviously, meeting anyone (by phone or FaceTime or in person) for the first time can be, well, awkward. Talking to strangers is really hard for lots of folks. And when you’re choosing someone to adopt your baby or child, the stakes are even higher.
After all, there’s probably no more important “getting to know you” convo in the whole world, right?
Yet having matched nearly two thousand adoption cases in the past three decades, Abrazo knows a thing or two about what to ask adoptive parents, and what not to ask, and why. So we got you… keep reading.
How Adoption Matching Works
At Abrazo, pregnant moms or parents considering adoption get to choose the family they want for their child. Most start by reviewing adoption profiles of hopeful adoptive parents on our website. Anyone who doesn’t have an adoption match or placement already is available to be chosen. These are all folks who have already passed a homestudy and background checks. And each couple has documented infertility, so adopting is their only hope of growing a family.
Prospective birthparents pick who they want to get to know better. (We put them in touch with up to three, to begin with, via phone calls or FaceTime meetings.) These introductions are to help everyone decide if there’s a potential “fit” or not. Once the placing parents tell us who they like best, the chosen couple gets paperwork and time to decide if they’re ready to pursue that adoption opportunity exclusively.
So that’s how adoption matches get made. Any healthy open adoption is built on good communication, and that usually begins long before any placement happens. Your first call with hopeful adoptive parents is your first step in building your child’s future, if adoption is going to be your best choice. (And do try to get your babydaddy and the prospective adoptive dad talking, also, if they’re around.)
What to Ask Adoptive Parents in a First Convo
Everyone is likely to be nervous, so it’s not all on you to carry the conversation. Some of the best calls begin with one person saying “I’m really nervous and I’m not sure what to say,” then the other person agrees and they both laugh, realizing they’ve already found something in common. Abrazo’s adopting couples all know this is just a conversation, not a promise of an adoption match or placement, so relax.
Want toi keep the conversation light at first? Talk about favorite TV shows or best holiday memories or the last movie you saw in a theater or the first concert you ever went to? Even seemingly pointless topics (Coke or Pepsi? Paper or plastic? Salsa or queso? Country, tejano or rock & roll?) can lead into extended discussions. Try to ask open-ended questions that can’t be answered with one word answers. (Ask things that start with “what” or “how” or “why”, rather than “do you” or “will you” that can be answered with just “yes” or “no.”.) Also, take notes on each hopeful adoptive couple while you’re talking with them. It makes it easier to tell them apart afterwards.
Get deeper by talking about “why adoption?” and what drew you to their profile, or what led you both to Abrazo. Find out how they met or how each of you would describe the perfect childhood, and how yours/theirs compared to that? Ask about the things that interest you, and try to get a sense of the kind of people they are, and what sort of life they can offer your child. One birthmom expecting a healthy baby asked adoptive prospects “what if the baby is born and something is wrong with it?” because she wanted to know who was truly committed to parenting no matter what. (Want to really make things interesting? Ask what one topic they were most hoping would not come up in this conversation and why? But then be prepared for them to ask the same thing of you,)
What Will the Adoptive Parents Ask Me?
They probably will want to know about you, your family and what the baby’s dad is like (although they might be hesitant to ask.) They may want to know if you’re “taking care of yourself” (which really is to find out if the baby is likely to be healthy or not.) Most will want to know why you “want to give your baby up for adoption” (even though nobody really ever wants to give a baby up for adoption, duh.) Note: hopeful adoptive parents should NOT ask you for assurances that you won’t change your mind about adoption, because everybody has that right until the legal paperwork gets signed. You don’t owe anybody any promises, so remember that.
Most adopting couples have never been pregnant, so it’s up to you whether you want to share about your prenatal care or pregnancy. (You do have a right to privacy, so you do not have to give your personal medical history out to everyone, nor answer any questions you find uncomfortable. Just say “that’s not something I feel comfortable sharing” if anything like that comes up in a conversation.)
On the other hand, it’s perfectly appropriate to say “hey, I struggle with addiction, how do you feel about that?” or “my baby’s dad is in prison, is that a problem for you?” or “I do have a family history of mental illness, can you deal with this?” if you’re worried about whether someone might not accept these things. (That’s on them, not you, if they’re not down with it.) Remember: any child you place will likely be most at home with the kind of people who are truly able to be accepting of you, and who share your traits or your interests in some way.
What Should Not be Discussed with Adoptive Parents?
You can ask about religion or politics, if it’s important to you, just be respectful of the other person’s beliefs, if different from your own. It is okay to ask why they can’t have kids, or if they were ever married before and why it ended, if you want to know? (But asking Abrazo such things first might be less uncomfortable for you both.)
It’s fine to ask hopeful adoptive parents their beliefs on things like parenting styles, childcare, education, discipline, vaccinations, baptism, etc. Just keep in mind that those who have never been parents before may not yet know for sure what they’ll do or which choices they’ll make in advance. (One childless couple was stymied by a potential birthmom asking them whether the adoptive mom intended to breastfeed any baby they would adopt? “We haven’t even started to figure out the “cloth diapers or Pampers thing yet,” they answered. Fortunately, she giggled at this and their adoption match resulted in an open adoption that remains open to this d\ay.)
Sometimes discussions arise about picking baby names, or exactly how much open adoption contact everyone wants after placement? These are normal things to consider in any adoption match, but the first call might be too early to decide. And remember: you are not obligated to tell someone whether or not you will choose them at the end of your first convo. (Even if they want you to.) Take your time and be sure before you commit. (Pro-tip: if reading a copy of their homestudy might help you make up your mind, you can ask your caseworker to ask if they’ll agree to this.)
While there are no topics you cannot discuss, a general rule of thumb is that you shouldn’t ever ask them about/for money, nor should they offer you any money or gifts of value, as this is illegal in most states. (Ask Abrazo if you’re needing assurance that they are financially stable, or if you need help with pregnancy-related bills.)
Does Contact Change After an Adoption Match?
Once an adoption match is made, the placing parents and the adopting parents enjoy as much direct contact with each other as both feel is comfortable, While folks seem to text much more easily, it’s important to remember that emotions often can be misinterpreted in texts. Keep in mind that people of different ages text differently, so periodic phone conversations can help both parties communicate more effectively.
Abrazo encourages the parties to meet in person prior to the birth of the child. This gives the hopeful adopters and potential placers a chance to know each other personally– before either makes any lifelong decisions for a child’s future. Usually, Abrazo’s prospective adoptive parents come spend a weekend in Texas visiting the expectant parent/s. They enjoy the local sights together, eating out and building a friendship that is genuine enough to last, wherever the baby may grow up.
Abrazo’s counseling staff is always available to meet with both parties together during their visit, if this is desired? Usually, though, everyone is having too much fun to want to slow down and visit the agency, and frankly, that’s rarely a bad thing. (If at any time during a match either party feels a need to exit the adoption plan for any reason, it’s the adoption agency’s job to help support both parties moving forward.)
After Adoption, Then What?
If/when placement does happen, then obviously, everyone’s lives will change. Frequency of contact may change, as the birthparents heal emotionally and physically. Availability may lessen as the newly-adoptive parents adapt to the demands of a newborn and parenting. Still, our hope is always that Abrazo’s placing parents and adopting parents will stay in touch with each other as much (or more) after placement as they were before the birth. As the birthparents and adoptive parents adapt to their new roles, both can give each other grace and space, if needed. You should be able to trust that if the adoption match was solid, the foundation of your relationship will be, too.
Adoptive parents sometimes question why some birthparents seem to avoid asking about the child during post-placement contacts? Some parents who place worry that they’re being intrusive asking about the child, so they wait for the adoptive parents to mention how the baby/child is doing. For other birthparents, though, the pain of post-placement grief is still too fresh. They do want to be in touch but what they’re missing most isn’t necessarily the infant. Rather, it may be the adoptive parents, and their affirmation and support during the adoption match? If the adoptive family seems less available after the placement, for some reason, gently ask them about it. Chances are, they’re no less grateful for you– just terribly sleep-deprived at the moment.
And if there is an obvious disconnect of some sort and you don’t know how to what to ask adoptive parents about how to fix it, please reach out to your agency or attorney and ask them for help. Open adoption is the gift everyone gives the child being adopted, so please don’t let awkward conversations or hurt feelings steal that gift away from your child’s future.
Knowing what to ask adoptive parents or how to express your needs in an adoption relationship is a quest that takes time and trust, but trust us, it’s well worth the effort, both for you and for your child.
