With so many hopeful adopters out there, it may seem easy to choose an adoptive family? But choosing the right adoptive couple is not always simple. Sometimes looking over too many adoption profiles can feel totally overwhelming. (And what you see isn’t always what you get.)
Years ago, a California adoption agency called Independent Adoption Center used to brag about sending 300+ adoptive parents’ profiles to every prospective birthmom who called them. That agency liked being able to tell their adoptive parents they were “getting their profiles seen.” But obviously 300 couples can’t all be chosen to parent one baby, and moms who placed through Abrazo after getting those 300+ IAC profiles said it was way too much. (Note: IAC went out of business in 2017, leaving many broke and broken-hearted.)
This is why Abrazo only works with as many adoptive families as we can expect to place with in a year’s time. All of our adopting parents have documented infertility, and each of them is committed to open adoption, too. They come from all over the US (except NY) and Abrazo’s adopting families have great respect for birthparents, because they know how hard it is to put a child up for adoption, yet without them, they might never know the joys of parenthood.
What Matters to You Most?
If you grew up in a healthy, functional family, chances are that you’ll want the adoptive family that is the most like yours was? If not, you’re likely to look for the family you wish you’d had. Either way, though, choosing your child’s adoptive family is one of the few times in life that you get to choose your own relatives, so pick carefully.
Do you want your baby to grow up in a two-parent traditional household, or is a single parent home or a same-sex household what you want for your child? Is it important to you for your child to grow up in a certain religion? Are you wanting your child to be the couple’s firstborn, or do you want your baby to have a sibling in the home? Would you prefer for your child grow up in Texas, or do you want them to be out-of-state?
Beyond that, is it important for you to know your child will grow up in your culture? Do you want your kid around people who look like him or her? What kinds of things do you like? Do the adoptive couples you’re looking at share your interests? Chances are, if you’re athletic or artistic, your child may be, too, so choose someone with whom you have some common ground. Don’t just base your decision on what they (or their hired marketing team) has put on their profile. Make up a list of questions, and then actually speak with all of the people you’re considering to be your baby’s future parents.
Get to Know Them Up Close & Personal
There is nothing you are “not allowed” to ask a hopeful adoptive parent. How did they meet? Why are they trying to adopt? What is the reason they can’t have kids? Have either of the adopting parents ever been arrested, and if so, for what? What do their family holiday celebrations look like? How would they describe their parenting style, and in what ways is it like (or not like) their parents’? What are their intentions about keeping in touch with the birthfamily in the months and years after the adoption? When do they intend to tell their child about the birthparents? How will they discipline their future child? What sort of education do they plan to provide? If they’ve adopted before, how often have they seen their child’s birthparents in person since the adoption?
At Abrazo, we encourage all of the expecting parents who place children for adoption here to meet the family they choose for their baby to meet them in person before the due date and placement. As awkward as it can be, initially, if it’s the “right” match, they’ll likely be the kind of folks who put you at ease and make you feel at home. (And if it doesn’t feel right, know that you have the right to walk away and make a different plan. All you “owe” them is an honest answer, and we can deliver it if you don’t feel comfortable telling them yourself.)
How to Choose an Adoptive Family
When you start looking through adoption profiles online, whether on Abrazo’s site or elsewhere, look first to see if the hopeful adoptive parents share their last names and where they live? This may give you a strong clue as to how private or secretive they’ll be throughout the adoption process and after. (Hint: privacy can be about safety, but when it comes to adoption, secrecy usually is not a good thing.)
Anyone can have a slick, glossy portfolio made, but what matters is the people behind the pictures. And these days, there are far more people wanting to adopt than there are babies being placed for adoption. Some people create profiles that designed seem to show off how much they have and what great vacations they’ve taken. Even some placing parents have a fantasy of their baby growing up in the biggest possible mansion? But there’s much more that goes into making sure you choose an adoptive family you can trust. (Much, much more.)
Every family who is adopting is required to have a homestudy and background checks done. The homestudy is a report based on personal interviews with a licensed social worker. The background checks include FBI checks, fingerprinting and a child abuse screen. Although the results are not commonly shown to birthparents, there’s no reason these could not be shared if the subject (adoptive family) gives their consent. (So ask, if you’re curious? Do you really want to share your child with someone who’s unwilling to share their records?) Be sure of your choice, or don’t make that decision just yet.
Make a Choice You Won’t Regret
Why is it important for parents who give a baby up for adoption to choose the adoptive family themselves? So they (you?) have a sense of peace about the choice, and so they (you) know with whom your child is growing up. Really good parents make really good plans for their children’s future, which includes making responsible adoption plans with people you know you can trust.
Cathy Terkanian was a teen mom when her own mother persuaded her to adopt out her daughter in 1974. At sixteen and without a job nor an education, Cathy opted for a closed adoption, and never had the option of choosing her child’s parents. She didn’t know where her daughter was, until thirty-six years later, when she learned her baby girl had gone missing at the age of fourteen, and was later found to have been murdered by the adoptive dad. (That is the basis for the documentary Into the Fire currently airing on Netflix.) Cathy’s decision to place her baby may not have been the wrong choice, but not knowing who was adopting her and where they lived is certainly a regret she’ll carry to the end.
Birthparents today have far more rights. To make a choice you won’t regret, explore your options carefully. And if you do opt for adoption, choose an adoptive family you can trust to be exactly who they say they are and do what they say they’ll do— not just now. but across all the years to come.
