Is there such a thing as having “too many kids?” It’s hard for anyone with infertility to imagine, of course. But the truth is this: hyperfertility can be as much of a crisis as infertility.
Just as there’s no good explanation for why perfectly nice folks cannot get pregnant, sometimes there’s just no good reason why it seems perfectly nice folks can’t not get pregnant sometimes, no matter how careful they may be. Which is why every adoption agency knows someone who gave up a baby for adoption because they had too many children already, and could barely care for the ones they had.
Even if food stamps and welfare benefits increase slightly with each new baby born, there are only so many hours in a day, and it takes a lot to raise each kid. It doesn’t seem fair, does it? Nearly six years ago, Abrazo pondered this same question in another blog entitled Infertility vs. Hyperfertility. It brings to mind the challenges that arise from having too many kids, and reminds us of a dear birthmother whom we’ll call Adriana.
Back when our paths first crossed, Adriana wasn’t some irresponsible teen who just forgot about taking her birth control pills. She was a thirty-five year old wife and mother of three sets of twins. (Yes, you read that right!)
Plenty of Love, but Too Many Kids
Adriana and her husband loved all their children beyond measure. They never even imagined having to face a choice like adoption, but they’d already faced the hard reality of being unable to care for all their kids. That was why their two oldest sets of twins were being raised by Adriana’s mother. The couple knew they had too many kids already, which is why they were taking every precaution to not get pregnant again.
It was a painful bladder infection that sent Adriana to the emergency room that day. The doctor treated Adriana for the UTI, but it only got worse, and then, all of a sudden, the staff discovered there was a baby on the way. Adriana and her husband didn’t know whether to laugh or cry, because the timing could not have been worse. They reveled in the beauty of their unexpected baby girl, but they struggled with the inevitable realization that they had too many kids already and could not take another baby home with them.
It was a hospital social worker who first mentioned the adoption option to the couple. And although it was the hardest choice they’d ever had to make, it was, as Adriana’s husband painfully admitted, the very best thing they could do, given their very limited resources. They went back and forth for awhile, trying to figure out how they could make things work if they did take the baby home, but in the end, they chose adoption for that baby girl.
A Tree With Roots
Fast forward 17 years, and that tiny baby is now a bright and beautiful high school student. She’s well-known in her community (and not just because her adoption made the local news years ago.) She’s been active in her church, in Scouting and FFA, and animals and little kids adore her. She (like all her four adopted siblings) has grown up always knowing her own adoption story. She is grateful that her adoptive parents never hid the truth from her. She’s always known where she came from and why she is who she is today.
And because of that, and because her parents honored her connections with her birthparents over the years, she knew of her first mother’s health issues. So the day after her birthmother passed, she paid tribute to her on Facebook. sharing her photo with a post that read ” Yesterday my birthmom went up to Heaven. You will always hold a special place in my heart.”
Having had an open adoption cannot cancel out the grief of this great loss, of course. Yet she knows her roots, and trees with roots don’t fall over. However she processes the passing of her birthmother, her parents and all her siblings will be there for her, always. Because as it turned out, Adriana and her husband didn’t have “too many kids”… when they had her, they had just enough,
