For adopted kids who wonder: we know you may have questions about your adoption. That’s healthy. (And it’s normal for adopted kids who wonder about adoption to sometimes ponder who to ask about their adoption, too?)
At Abrazo, we try to make sure that every kid that is adopted here goes home with parents who know their birthparents. So for adopted kids who wonder: don’t be afraid to ask them about them, if you want to know more? Even if your parents don’t have updated info, they need to know that you want to know more.
Birthparents who make adoption plans for their children here love their kids. (Very much.) You may be wondering: well, if they love their kids very much, why don’t they keep them?
That’s a good question! And if it was that easy, they would– trust us. But keeping a child can be harder than it sounds. So for adopted kids who wonder, keep reading, and we’ll try to explain.
A Tale of a Seagull & a Goldfish
Meet our friend, Gervitz the Gull. One day, flying in from the ocean, Gervitz finds a goldfish flopping on the sidewalk. He names him Rufus, and he loves that ‘lil fishy a whole lot.
Gervitz doesn’t have a house to live in (because he’s a seagull, of course.) Rufus, being a goldfish, needs a bowl to swim in, with fresh water (not salt water) and fish food. Gervitz doesn’t have any way to get fresh water, since he doesn’t have hands to turn on a faucet, and he doesn’t have a way to buy fish food from the store on a regular basis. Plus Rufus needs other fish to keep him company, and although Gervitz can chirp beautifully, he knows that’s no enough. In order to be happy and safe, Rufus is going to need way more than Gervitz can provide, no matter how much he loves him. What should Gervitz do?
Gervitz is going to have to make a really tough decision. He’s going to have to find someone to help take care of Rufus. Somebody who has a safe home. Someone who will promise to always love and care for Rufus– just as Gervitz would, if he could. Somebody who will understand why Gervitz may want to fly over and see Rufus, to make sure he’s okay. Someone who will tell Rufus about Gervitz often, so Rufus doesn’t forget. After all, Gervitz is going to wonder how Rufus is doing, and Rufus will wonder about Gervitz. Because they matter to each other.
It’s okay to wonder
Rufus and Gervitz are just pretend, of course. But if a pretend seagull can care that much about a pretend goldfish that even you were worried about them, can you imagine how much more birthparents want to protect the children they place for adoption?
Some birthparents have other children, but they want their new baby to be safe so they can keep caring for the kids they already have. Maybe there’s not enough food or clothes or space already, or they know their job isn’t going to give them time to take care of a child. Some birthmoms don’t have any other kids yet, but they’re not ready to be good parents. Or they’re not married and they want their baby to grow up with both a mom and a dad. Maybe they need a safe home for their child to grow up in. There are lots of reasons birthparents make adoption plans but all have this in common: it wasn’t ever the child’s fault that an adoption had to happen.
Sometimes, adopted kids wonder if they were bad babies or if there was something about them that made their birthparents choose adoption for them… NOPE! Trust us: we know plenty of birthparents, and none of them ever chose adoption because they didn’t love their babies. Your adoptive parents were there– they can tell you what a hard decision it was for your birthparents to make. Your adoptive parents even wondered sometimes if it was going to even happen. They want you to ask them, if you have questions about your adoption and your birthfamily. Even if it seems like they’re nervous about having the answers you need, they want you to talk to them about the things that make you wonder.
Wondering means having feelings, too.
It’s normal to have different feelings about being adopted. Sometimes, being adopted might make you feel special. But sometimes, you might feel different, too. There are times when being adopted may make you feel happy, or sad, or even angry.
It’s okay to feel whatever you feel. You can write your feelings down in your diary. Or talk about them with a grownup you can trust. You are not alone, even if it sometimes feels like nobody else will understand. You know why? Because Abrazo knows thousands of adoptees, just like you.
And they all have their own story, just like Gervitz and Rufus, and just like you. Sometimes they wonder, too, what it would’ve been like to grow up with their birthfamily. And here’s a secret: sometimes, birthparents wonder about this, too. Some birthparents don’t always keep in touch or show up for visits, even when it’s an open adoption, because their feelings about adoption are sad or mad, or they’re not sure how they feel. Again: that is not the adopted kid’s fault, because kids aren’t responsible for grownups’ choices, so please remember this.
Finding answers for adopted kids who wonder
Some adopted kids worry that asking their parents about their adoption or their birthfamily might hurt their feelings. To worry about other people’s feelings is kind, but if you’re adopted, it’s your parents’ job to worry about you. It’s also their job to help you get the answers you need for the questions you wonder about. But they need your help to know what questions you have, so please– talk with your parents, okay?
Abrazo is here to help, too. (If you’re under the age of 18, though, then your parents do need to be a part of any search for answers that involve the adoption agency, so please have them contact us if they can’t tell you what you need to know.)
For adopted kids who wonder, never doubt that you and your feelings are important to us, to your parents, and to your birthfamily, too.