Assuming we all need a little relief from the ugliness of political ads, Abrazo is proud to sponsor the first installment of the future hit television program… BABY IN PARADISE!
Chris Harrison: Welcome to the most dramatic season ever in Bachelor History, Baby in Paradise! We’re here in exotic San Antonio, as seven excited couples begin their journey to find the love of their lives. Let’s meet them now!
(Couples begin descending on the San Antonio Riverwalk, wearing Abrazo tshirts, and hauling empty car seats and diaper bags and rolling suitcases.)
Couple from Wisconsin: Whew! Is it always this humid here?
Couple from Tennessee: We drove… woulda got here sooner, except for all the outlet malls along the way.
Couple from Missouri: We’re from the Show Me State, so please show us some babies!
Couple from Virginia: Which way is the Alamo?
Couple from Arizona: You think y’all make some good margs? Hold my beer!
Couple from Texas: Howdy, y’all! How ’bout them Cowboys, huh?
Couple from New Jersey: Hey, how long is that Interstate Compact thing again?
Chris Harrison: Now let’s review how this goes down! All of these lovely couples have infertility. They’re come here to meet our beautiful bachelorette birthmoms-to-be; all of whom are expecting and considering adoption. They’re here to get acquainted and hopefully find a connection, however, there won’t be any nights in the Fantasy Suite, of course, because being happily married already, your master bedroom already serves that purpose, right? But instead of our friendly bartender, Wells, you get the AbrazoChicks around to bounce things off of. Here’s the thing, though: the placing and adopting parents all have to agree to choose each other. (That’s what’s going to make this the Most! Dramatic! Season! Ever!)
Couple from Arizona: Soooo, will there be new bachelorette birthmoms available every day?
Chris Harrison: No, sometimes, a match may present itself when you least expect it.
Couple from Virginia: Is there going to a right match for each of us?
Chris Harrison: That may depend on you, because everyone’s looking for something different.
Couple from New Jersey: What if none of the matches seem to fit our needs?
Chris Harrison: Then you may be forgetting you’re supposed to be here to meet a child’s needs.
Couple from Texas: What if our future child turns out to not even like football?
Chris Harrison: Then pray that he or she will be a Spurs fan instead.
Couple from Missouri: So what can we do during our time together?
Chris Harrison: You’ll want to make sure you’re compatible. You’ll talk, you’ll text. You’ll go out to eat, get to know what each other is really about. (No fireworks, though… we cut that production cost after Mexico, sorry.) The bachelorette birthmoms-to-be get to give out the first and second rose, when they decide with whom they want to match. Then the hopeful adoptive couples get to give them a rose back, when they agree to the match. The birthparents give out the next rose, of course, when they decide to place. But then, there’s a plot twist, because the adoptive parents get two roses in the end, one to give the birthmama to say “thank you and we love you” at placement, and one more, that the adoptive parents can dry and save forever in the baby book.
Couple from Tennessee: Well, what about the baby? Doesn’t the baby ever get to give out a rose?
Chris Harrison: We thought about that, but roses have thorns, so we came up with something even better.
Couple from Virginia: Awesome! What’s that?
Chris Harrison: Instead of me coming out to say “and now, the final rose tonight…” I figured I’d just make my usual appearance at the very end, then pause and intone dramatically “Ladies, gentlemen… a year’s worth of dirty diapers!”
Couple from New Jersey: Hmmm. Somehow, that doesn’t have quite the same appeal?
Chris Harrison: Well, hey… welcome to parenthood, and welcome to Baby in Paradise, everyone!