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How soon did you decide adoption?

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I was just curious when you fellow Birthparents out there decided that adoption was the most loving decision you could make for your child? I decided in both cases the day after or the day of when I was pregnant. But I know for some it's later on in the pregnancy. So what finally helped you make up your mind? Do you would have been easier if you would have decided at a different time?

Just picking ???"s to learn more about what other Birthmom's go through. As you all may/may not know I'm working on my Masters in Social work and I plan on going into the adoption field someday. I want to work with birthmothers. I know I already know kinda how it feels but since I know we are all different I would love to hear more thought processes in the early stages of adoption.

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I was just curious when you fellow Birthparents out there decided that adoption was the most loving decision you could make for your child? I decided in both cases the day after or the day of when I was pregnant. But I know for some it's later on in the pregnancy. So what finally helped you make up your mind? Do you would have been easier if you would have decided at a different time?

Just picking ???"s to learn more about what other Birthmom's go through. As you all may/may not know I'm working on my Masters in Social work and I plan on going into the adoption field someday. I want to work with birthmothers. I know I already know kinda how it feels but since I know we are all different I would love to hear more thought processes in the early stages of adoption.

Wow - Thank you for sharing what's on your heart.

What an incredible gift you will be giving to those you'll touch. God has many plans for you - and you are courageously following what He's calling you to do!!! I have chills and think that this is an awesome, awesome thing you are doing!!

Hopeful Adoptive Mommie - Laura

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Well I called the agency the day after I gave birth to him.....but I knew it in my heart since I learned I was pregnant. I just sat there and wished and hoped that I would win the lottery or something. <_< Of course I didn't.....but I am so happy with the decision that I made. I've said it many many times but I wouldn't want it any other way!!!

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Guest bmom2nickngrace

When I found out that I was pregnant with Nicholas I called Abrazo just a few days(maybe a week..been to long and I do not remember). after I found out that I was pregant. I think I found out sometime in October of 1997 and matched with the adoptive parents Feb. 1998.

With Grace I made the decision to place her for adoption the day that I found out that I was pregnant. I found her adopitve parents a couple of days after that. I will tell anyone that I made the decision to place Grace for adoption way to early and did not think through my plans.

If I would have waited and waited maybe it would have been a different situation than what it is. If I would have waited and let my nerves cool down then maybe she would be with Sam and Samantha :)

I made my decision early in the pregnancies and I look back and could not imagine calling the Abrazo the day that I was in labor or right after. I enjoyed what little time that I had to bond with the adoptive parents and it was great. As a matter of fact I just hung up the phone with Samantha Nicholas' adoptive mother and we talked yesterday for 2 hours and then we just got off the phone with a 3 hour conversation. Casey and I had some terrible news this week and I just needed someone to vent to and who did I call tonight?? Sam and Samantha!!! She tells me all the time that she is mother that i never had.....LOL

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Thanks all!! And by the way to any of you Birthparents out there!! If you ever need to talk feel free to email me/PM me!! I know sometimes I don't feel like posting on the forum, but I feel like talking!! I'm here for you!!

Hugs

-Loriahn

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Well I called the agency the day after I gave birth to him.....but I knew it in my heart since I learned I was pregnant. I just sat there and wished and hoped that I would win the lottery or something. <_< Of course I didn't.....but I am so happy with the decision that I made. I've said it many many times but I wouldn't want it any other way!!!

Chip and I were just matched about a week ago with our birthmom! And we are so excited about this blooming relationship. We are going to meet her in person in about 2 weeks, and I am both nervous and eager. Any advice you can give would be helpful. We are trying to be so open, honest and sensitive to her feelings.

Thanks for sharing - Laura

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Guest bmom2nickngrace

My advice would to be yourself.

I did not have the pleasure of meeting Nicholas' adoptive parents before I had Nicholas because they could not afford it. We did talk almost everyday on the phone.

Grace's adoptive parents I did meet before I placed with them. They flew me out to IL to meet them shortly after placement.

My advice would to be yourself. I know that Grace's adoptive parents were not theirself while I was there meeting them . If things would have been different while I was there then things with Grace's adoption would have also been different.

Sorry that is the only advice that I can think of right now,

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Laura, I would say honesty and communication is key!! Let your birthmother know that she can express her true feelings. She will be having so many different emotions. Anger, sadness, doubt but underneath all that she will feel happy knowing that she placed her baby with a great family who will give the baby everything he/she deserves. Also there will be times that she might not answer the phone. Don't jump to conclusions and tell yourself that she doesn't want to talk to you. She is probably just busy and wants to be able to give you all of her attention. Let her know that you will be there for her no matter what. Reassure her that she will always be a part of the baby's life if that is what she chooses. I hope that has helped some. Good luck!!!

love amanda

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Thank you for the feedback :)

As I look back on the match and how it happened, it just felt really comfortable to be myself (Chip, too). We laughed a lot and also were able to talk openly about adoption, too - her fears, our fears, her hopes, our hopes. It really feels natural, and we keep encouraging each other to be honest and open.

Thanks again, and have a wonderful weekend - Laura

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Mandi (and anyone else please chime in) since you've been so obliging to answer questions... :)

Maybe you will get to this in your story, but I was just wondering at what point in your pregnancy did you consider adoption? Did you think about it from when you found out or well into the pregnancy?

In our situation, our son's birthmom decided at the very end of her pregnancy (we were matched about a week or so before birth). I think she had tried to work some other things out and things were just not falling into place for her, sadly.

I just wonder how this affects the healing post placement. If a woman goes through the majority of her pregnancy planning to parent, then circumstances change and she chooses adoption - I wonder if that is harder mentally not to have that time to prepare? If someone chooses adoption early on then maybe mentally they are more prepared (thought it would still not be easy!)

So, just thinking out loud here and wondering what your experience has been.

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Well i will get to this in my story but i dont mind answering now.

I found out i was pregnant (not a shocker since i had neglected protection like a dummy) while i was with my then fiance.We had been friends for several months but only been dating for a little over a month.He was getting ready to deploy and decided he wanted me to plan my future with him.Then i found out i was pregnant-i had food poisoning and he made me take an at home test in defense of his favorite restaurant poisoning me-I started crying when i saw the cross pop up before i could even flush the toilet,this was not what i needed right now.I had no money,no car,no job...nothing i had nothing but this beautiful man in front of me who was leaving for war in a month.Then i cried more when he was so excited-i knew the chances of me having conceived before we got together was large.I have a bad habit of using sex as therapy and the month before he and i made it official i had been doing just that.But i couldnt say it out loud as he started planning a job when he got home (he gets out of the army upon his return from deployment) a home to buy near this new job,names-he even called his parents.I felt sick to my stomach.On one hand i was scared to let go and fall into this dream come true i would finally have the family i always wanted-But what if its not his?What then?

I went to a clinic in Kansas (i was at Fort Riley at this point with my little brother) that said they read your HGC levels or something adn they could tell me how far along i am for free......i wanted to know before he left for over seas........so i went and they said i was just a few weeks so i got excited i started planning names and everything else with Travis.I moved to TX with my sis n law and didnt really rush seeing a Dr i was barely pregnant right n biggie. Well we went to a christian pregnancy center to get my proof of pregnancy for medicaid and they did a normal ultrasound......i was 16 weeks!! omg this is not good.That means its not travis' and i have to tell him while he is at war.I didnt do or think about much with the baby for the next couple weeks and i didnt go get or see a doctor it was like my life paused waiting for him to call,i begged him to call i refused to tell him via facebook messenger.Then he did call and all i could do was cry i told him the baby wasnt his and i was certain and i was sorry,he just said ok.I asked what he wanted me to do?He said its your baby its your decision but im going home to Florida when i get back now the rest is on you.

So i was on my own for a few days i thought about toughing it out and being a single mom,but the overwhelming family support for an engaged to a soldier at war girl vanished when i became an ex convict single mom.I was kicked out of my sis n laws and my mom and i had been through this the summer before and i knew i couldnt live with her pregnant or with a baby-i had nowhere to go,no money...yeah back to nothing.I was 21 weeks and i had seen one obgyn who just took my blood and did an ultrasound.I felt detached already.I knew i couldnt take care of this baby but because of the whole Christopher thing i felt like if i admitted that i was admitting i couldnt be a mom-it was tough but easy if that makes sense.I had no doubt adoption was my option it was figuring out how to have an adoption like my friend tori's.And doing it all with no help because my mom refused to even acknowledge i was pregnant.Then i found Abrazo and E&J(yall know the details lol) and it gets easier everyday,i have more peace and excitement about E&J raising Riley than i did about me and Travis im sure that sounds odd but its true.

So thats my side lol

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Thank you for sharing Mandi. I'm glad that you found Abrazo and E&J too. I don't know them personally but via your posts and theirs it seems like you are meant for each other. :wub: And the person that will benefit the most is Riley because you all will be family!

Edited by Jocelyn
  • Upvote 2

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Mandi, Thank you so much for sharing. I love your writing style. So honest and straightforward. Your strength shines through!

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Hannah, with both of my kids I decided to place as soon as I took the test. Now, the baby I'm currently pregnant with is a different story because my boyfriend is involved and I wanted us to reach a decision we were both comfortable with. So I don't know if it makes it easier or harder. Even if you know from day 1 that you're going to place, there is no way anyone can prepare you for the intense pain that comes with placing a child for adoption. Everything felt so bleak, like I would never recover. I'm not excited to go through that again but maybe I will be more prepared.

With Naomi we didn't even consider adoption or anything other than parenting.

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Sometimes, I think, adoption planning is a knee-jerk reaction when it starts too early in pregnancy. That's not to say there aren't some moms who know from the beginning that adoption is going to be their best choice on behalf of their child, but it is to say that all expectant parents need to take time to consider all possible options so they feel secure in whatever decision they do ultimately make.

Lots of things can change in the course of the 40 weeks that a pregnancy transpires. Abrazo generally advises mothers to wait until their fourth or fifth month to initiate adoption planning and consider matching, but there are other circumstances in which some parents do rightfully need to begin adoption plans in advance of that (one of those being cases in which a parent already knows that Child Protective Services will not allow them the option of parenting, for example.)

Planning adoption during pregnancy is not easy because it does force expectant parents to deal with anticipatory grief, but this can ultimately be a blessing, in that longer matches do enable birthparents to feel more secure in their decisions and with their chosen adoptive families.

That said, there are plenty of expectant parents who make no plans in advance because they can't deal with the psychic pain of doing so, and they just wait to call agencies like Abrazo from the hospital after the birth. That's not optimal, because it requires the planning of a child's entire future to be completed at the last minute, but Abrazo is happy to help in any circumstance, in whatever way best meets the needs of the parent/s and child involved.

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