Jump to content
ElizabethAnn

Open Adoption

Recommended Posts

I saw a preview for a movie last night where a older woman is searching for a child she had placed as a young woman. She didn't know where he was or what he looked like or if he was happy....nothing. That to me would be agonizing. I thought about our relationship with Andrea and how she will never have to ask those questions. She is coming to Mitchell's 4th birthday party and going to stay in our home. She is family and Mitchell loves her. It makes me incredible happy that we chose open adoption.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I came across this article today (posted by a friend on FB). http://networkedblogs.com/R6h7o

I'm still processing it, but was definitely struck by numbers one and three. I am FB friends with my son's older siblings. They are great kids (age 14 and 16), and they have a very tight bond. I do get sad sometimes that he is missing out on growing up with them. Does anyone else ever feel like this?

On number 2, I thought it was interesting that the author's perception was that her adoptive mom got busy and neglected the relationship. This definitely may have been the case, but I know for me personally (and many of my friends who have adopted), it is the first parents who seem to step back from the relationship.

I think we all know that Open adoption is not the "cure" for adoption loss, but that it is definitely a better choice than the closed adoptions of years past. Would love to hear others thoughts about this article.

Jordan has two birth sisters that she does not know at this time in her life. I hope she does have a relationship with them one day, but I do also know that when she does get to meet them and enjoy them that she will feel loss of not being with them, sharing everyday life. My thoughts and hopes are that they will have a natural, inherent sister bond within them that will take bond them and give them a desire to want to love and know each other even though they are not growing up in the same family.

I have to run. I will come back later and post more.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Susan, I truly have been meaning to reply! I read on my tablet but it is a pain to type on, and days go by I am not on my desktop! :)

I struggle in finding that balance between focusing too much on the positive or negative side of adoption. After Andrew's placement, I was struggling with that "survivors guilt"so deeply and sort of immersed myself in the anti-adoption world. I almost felt like I was punishing myself or something and it was not a good place to be. But I feel like I did learn a lot and and hopefully a better, more sympathetic person for reading what I did. But I can't stay in that and cheerfully raise my children.

My resolve and hope right now is to take each day at a time. Hopefully not with blinders on, but also not with the negative attitude that my kids are going to have tons of adoption problems. They might, but we can cross that bridge when we get there. I don't want to superimpose things that are not there, but also not ignore things that ARE there. I guess we just pray for discernment and will try to be as well prepared as possible. I agree - that if we lived in a perfect world adoption would not be necessary. I am all for making adoption as ethical as possible, but I don't think it can or should totally be done away with!

I worry about my oldest because we do not have that open relationship. He has siblings in the birthfamily, and he has his sister in an adoptive family. She is being raised differently and she has the best of absolutely everything... I worry that he will wish he had been adopted by them. (I have expressed this to S's mom, not saying this behind their back!) Then we have such an open relationship with our youngest and he has two siblings there, though much older. I just try to remember that for everything he is missing with them, he does have a brother that he wouldn't have and his birthmom made the choice for him for his best. His sisters have confirmed over and over they are at peace and this was right for him and they are happy for him. But we do the best we can to keep that relationship alive and well until he can make the choices in that relationship.

It makes me sad to read how open adoption can be hard, but every relationship in life comes with difficulties and complications! On my best days I trust that God has a purpose and that He will fill my kids hearts with love and appreciation for all they have been given (though obviously at a cost). I hope that I can always provide with them with the tools they need to work through feelings and disappointments. I pray that I never become jealous or possessive to try to keep them from that relationship with ANY of their family.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks for you feedback, guys.

Hannah, I can relate to much of what you wrote. From conversations with you to what you've shared on the forum, I know we are on the same page. I think learning about the "negatives" of adoption have definitely made me more sympathetic. But I can't stay there all the time and be a good parent. And I try not to "borrow" trouble or worry about the future...about things that may never happen or would not change by my worrying! I must trust God to see us through whatever difficulties we face in raising our kids...those related to adoption and those that are not.

Elizabeth, thanks for the link to the other article by Claudia. I guess, by her definition, I would also consider myself anti-adoption! ;) Thank you for doing what you do and for helping to educate us on the good, the bad, and the ugly side of adoption. Not every agency does that! That's why I think Abrazo has some of the best and most compassionate APs!

  • Upvote 2

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I actually liked the article. I'm not anti-adoption, but I am anti-looking at children as products, anti-treating birthmothers as walking uteri, anti-adoptive parents shutting out their children's birthfamilies, anti-policies that put women in a position of having to choose between parenting their children and the well-being of their families. In a better world, there would be fewer adoptions, not more.

But we don't live in that better world, and we have to choose the kind of people we want to be in the context of this world.

Hannah, thanks so much for your reflections. It helped me so much to read them today.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Every so often I stroll through the gallery of parents-in-waiting (to remember those days, those dreams, myself). I'm never surprised to see the best folks in the world find their way to Abrazo. I know this is not by accident, as Abrazo has many outreach efforts all over the United States from former clients, which IS the BEST referral of all. And Abrazo's selection and education process is extremely thorough, as it should be.

For expectant families who are searching their options, wanting the best for their precious child/children, the profiles in the gallery offer hope that you have found a safe place. So happy there is a way for two worlds to become one, through adoption, through Abrazo, through this forum.

Thinking of each of you as you wait. I pray patiently (with you) about how much your lives are about to change...the Abrazo way!

Peace,

Karen

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

We just adopted identical twin girls through Abrazo Adoption Associates on April 30, 2015. The open adoption process is wonderful and we just love the girls at Abrazo's. Their staff is very professional, friendly and full of helpful advice. We would recommend anyone considering "open adoption" to look to Abrazo Adoption Associates as their first choice.

Rob and Nannette Hyland

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×