When it comes to open adoption, whether someone is making a placement plan or thinking of re-establishing lost contact, four words apply: better late than never!
Adoption has typically been about timing (bad timing, that is.) Unplanned pregnancy usually is a crisis that happens at the worst possible time. (Duh.) And people who become parents without being fully prepared can sometimes be people who shouldn’t parent, or shouldn’t just yet.
That’s where safety plans, foster care or adoption may become necessary options, for a child’s welfare.
Here’s the thing… adoption takes courage. It takes cold hard courage to choose adoption for a child. And it takes a whole ‘nother kind of courage to do an open adoption.
Not everybody has that kind of courage all the time. Sometimes, it takes awhile for the smoke to clear and for someone to figure out it’s time to do something. That’s okay. At Abrazo, you’re always welcome to call us back. (Or text. Or stop by.) We got you.
It’s Never Too Late to Plan to Place
For some expectant moms, adoption isn’t something they start to consider until they find out it’s too late for an abortion. Others wait to make adoption plans until their baby is already born.
Adoption planning may seem “exciting” to those who long to adopt? But for those who need to place, it is rarely something anyone wants to have to do. Some mothers wait until giving birth to launch an adoption plan, just in case the babydaddy comes back or they win the lottery first. Others get talked out of adoption by relatives or friends when a baby is born, but later regret it come back later. There are those who opted to parent in hopes that things would get better, only to find that shrinking public aid and a lack of resources mean adoption is the best choice. For others, a voluntary adoption decision with some opportunity for contact is better than permanently losing custody to Child Protective Services. And for some mothers, an unexpected health crisis or terminal diagnosis and no family to help means adoption is the only viable option for their child’s future, other than state foster care
Not all adoption agencies will “accept” children who are no longer babies, since the vast majority of hopeful adoptive parents are seeking newborns only. (And granted, the younger a child is at time of placement, the easier their transition to an adoptive home may be.) However, at Abrazo, we believe our job is to find loving homes for any child who is truly in need. That’s why our agency is known for helping any parent who needs to place, no matter what their situation may be: medical issues, sibling groups, older kids, and more.
Because every kid deserves a stable and permanent home with a nurturing family.
When is it Too Late to Adopt?
Most placing parents are hoping to entrust their child/ren to somebody who is younger than their own parents, and the younger a child is at time of placement, the more it may benefit the child’s best interests. Our agency has never imposed an upper age limit on adoptive applicants, nor does Texas law allow adoption agencies to do so. Optimally, though, every responsible parent’s hope is that the adoptee will be spared the heartbreak of losing another parent (or two) before they successfully reach adulthood.
Historically, adoption agencies used to require adopters to be within 30-35 years of the age of the child/ren at the time of the adoption. In time, though, couples began postponing their pursuit of a family until they had successfully bought a home, established their careers and/or completed fertility treatments. As a result, the age of the average adoptive couple seeking infant adoption nowadays is around 40 years or older.
For adopting parents who are of “advanced age,” adopting a child who is already school-aged or a non-infant sibling group may be optimal for everyone involved, as the greatest need is for parents for “older kids” (which can mean anything beyond the diapers and preschool stage.) These adoptions, when done through the State, typically have the least expenses, and some even offer recurrent subsidies, medical coverage and/or adoption tuition benefits.
When There’s No Time to Waste
There are two particular adoption situations in which timing is of the essence. One has to do with when adoptive parents tell a child they’re adopted? At Abrazo, we believe that everyone should be honest with the adoptee from Day One. The birthparents need to have the opportunity to explain the decision to their baby or child (whatever their age, however difficult it may be.) And the adoptive parents need to start telling the adoptee their adoption story from the very first day, as well. in age-appropriate terms. Never let that information be kept secret from them.
The other instance has to do with the importance of reconnecting, if contact is lost between the adoptee and birthfamily, or the birthparents and the adoptive family. Even in open adoption, people sometimes lose touch, or get busy, and before they know it, they’ve lost treasured connections they’d intended to keep forever. Sometimes, adoptees might feel disloyal about searching for their birthparents while their adoptive parents are still alive, and yet, waiting could cost everyone the opportunity to enjoy reconnecting.
Life is short, sometimes even moreso than expected. Don’t put off reconnecting when you can. You don’t have to be fully ready for reunion or even sure about being “in relationship.” Just reaching out to say “I’m thinking of you and hope all is well?” can keep a door open for the future. (And if the reason that contact was lost is more complicated, whichever adoption professionals handled the case should still be more than happy to help you work through any issues, or refer you to someone who can.) Finally, if it feels awkward because of how long it’s been, please don’t let that stop you. There’s no time like the present to establish (or re-establish) contact.
And if Abrazo can help, we’re just a phone away. Because our motto has always been “not if, but when!” and that’s almost always better late than never.
