One celebrity divorce in the news lately has us thinking of the cost of a broken adoption promise. It’s one which– sadly– became a tragedy. Hugh Jackman and his wife, Deborra-Lee Furness, are Australian celebrities known intentionally. Their very public divorce is now making headlines around the world. The couple successfully adopted from the US twice, but could one of the stressors of their long marriage be related to the cost of a broken adoption promise years ago?
What is the cost of a broken adoption promise?
Many years ago, Mr. & Mrs. Hugh Jackman decided to adopt. They had already endured both failed IVF treatments and miscarriages. They chose to adopt in America, because infant adoption is largely unheard of in Australia. And they wanted to do “mixed race adoption,” they said, because they knew it was less popular so the need for families (and availability of babies) was greater. Their first adoption was going to be an open adoption, as Hugh, Deborra and their prospective birthmom happily told the media at the time.
Amber Lanham was a small town single mom of two, from Vinton, Iowa. She’d been flown out to California, all bills paid, to birth and place her a biracial baby boy with the wealthy movie stars in May of 2000. It was vital to her to have an open adoption with the son she was entrusting to these celebrities who lived so far away. By all accounts, that was the plan, but it did not happen. Afterwards, Amber was heartbroken, telling one media outlet she “only ever got to see (her) son in magazine photos” when the tabloids ran pictures of him with his famous parents. It was the cost of a broken adoption promise led that despondent birthmom to die by suicide five years after the placement. Oscar Jackman, the son Amber placed, finally reunited with his two birthsisters after he turned 18… at his request.
Open Adoption: a commitment, not a strategy
Another birthmother, Cindy Jordan, fell “head over heels” for the adoptive family she placed with in 2001. The adoptive mom, Dr. Susan Burns of Hawaii, had undergone three failed adoption plans. She then secretly developed a strategy to befriend an expectant mother in order to “speed up” the adoption process and secure the surrender. Cindy didn’t know that when Susan promised her photos and videos of her baby girl, named Malia. Cindy trusted the Burns when they assured her the son she was parenting would get to visit his birthsister over the years.
However, those open adoption promises were soon forgotten by the family after placement. Only then did Cindy learn that Susan had published a book touting her adoption success and advising others how to do a Fast Track Adoption. Cindy felt betrayed, and fell into a deep depression from which she never recovered. When Malia turned three, Cindy, too, became a tragic reminder of the cost of a broken promise. She died by suicide, leaving three sons, that one placed daughter, and many grieving friends and relatives behind.
Usually, the cost of a broken adoption promise may be far less drastic. Yet the scars for those who feel left behind can still be deep and lasting, for everyone involved. This is why post-adoption counseling is so important for anyone struggling with emotions afterwards. (Anyone considering suicide should call or text 988, because there is always– always!— a better option.) Also, our agency offers a free copy of the book How to Open an Adoption to anyone needing guidance in this pursuit, thanks to the generosity of the author, Patricia M. Dorner.
The life-changing power of a kept promise
Remember, though: it’s not just birthparents who suffer the cost of a broken adoption promise. Abrazo counsels all placing parents about the greater value of open adoption and keeping in touch. Sometimes, though, it’s the adoptive parents and/or the adoptees who are left grieving the loss of contact with the birthparents. This can happen when a birthparent has found post-adoption communication too hard to handle, or when a mother has a new partner who is threatened by any reminder of her past, or when birthparents’ lives destabilize catastrophically, or if all contact was lost for reasons unknown.
Open adoption promises are easy to make, but sometimes hard to keep. That’s no secret to anyone in a truly open adoption. Yet it’s well the effort both sides put into the relationship. Open adoptions that stay open are a precious gift for the adoptee at the center of both families.
Kept open adoption promises have enabled Abrazo adoptees to always know their birthfamily members just as well as their relatives by adoption. The full exchange of identifying information ensures that Abrazo birthparents and adoptive families can freely communicate via phone, text, FaceTime and planned in-person visits. Birthparents get invited to attend the adoptee’s graduation, and many also participate in the weddings of the child they placed. Abrazo’s annual updates are filled with reports of the adoptees’ visits with and from birthfamily. And Camp Abrazo welcomes birthparents and adoptive families who vacation together each summer.
Helping an open adoption stay healthy
As Abrazo’s founder stated decades ago: “open adoption isn’t what you do to get a baby into a home… it’s how to live your life once that child is there.” At Abrazo, open adoption is a sacred vow, made by all the adoptee’s parents, so family bonds need never be broken. In Texas, like other less progressive states, open adoption agreements are not legally-enforceable. This does not make them any less important to those who voluntarily commit to them, though. (It does, however, make written agreements, clear boundaries and honest communication between parties all the more essential. That’s why Abrazo emphasizes all these things in all our adoptions.)
Renowned journalist (and birthmother) Lorraine Dusky co-hosts the First Mother Forum, along with Jane Edwards. They offer some important advice for anyone considering adoption or open adoption. (They also warn anyone against doing a semi-open adoption, so read this, too, to learn why.) It’s all hard-won wisdom that should be carefully read by prospective birthparents and by hopeful adopters, alike. (Another birthparent shares her experience here.) An excellent resource for adoptive parents is author Lori Holden’s entire website, including her podcast. Here’s one blog by Lori that we love, written for those wondering why closed adoption isn’t an easier choice than open adoption.
Keep looking to the stars
Open adoption relationships are always a work in progress, so it’s important to remember this. You have to grow them carefully, with lots of love. People aren’t always ready to be in the same place at the same time, but keeping open channels of communication is essential. (Even when it feels one-sided.) It’s like watering a houseplant you never give up on, because you know it can bloom, if given enough time.
There’s a song in Jackman’s 2017 hit movie The Greatest Showman, in which Anne, a beautiful trapeze artist used to living on the edge, sings these lyrics:
“You think it’s easy? You think I don’t want to run to you? But there are mountains and there are doors we can’t walk through. I know you’re wondering why, because we’re able to just be you and me within these walls. But when we go outside, you’re gonna wake up and see that it was hopeful after all. No one can rewrite the stars.”
If we learn just one thing from the cost of a broken adoption promise, may it be that openness is written in the stars for all who believe in the healing power of lifetime connections.
