marthaj

I wanted to share this beautiful prayer. I found these words to be most meaningful for me, a mother by adoption. A MOTHER'S PRAYER O Lord I need your help today. I want to care for those you've sent into my life, to help them develop the special gifts you've given them. But I also want to free them to follow their own paths and to bring their loving wisdom to the world. Help me to embrace them without clutching, to support them without suffocating, to correct them without crushing. And help me to live joyfully and playfully, myself, so they can see your life in me and find their way to you. Amen

Claudia, I read an article in Parents' magazine some time back about the topic of "spacing" children...1 year apart, 2 years apart, 5 years apart, etc. For each time span, it gave the advantages and disadvantages for each. For example, children 1-2 years apart will most likely grow up to be best friends and will never remember a time without each other, but of course the stress of having 2 under the age of 3 may be too much to manage for some parents. On the other hand, too many years between brings its own challenges. Last year, our neighbors had a new baby daughter just 3 months before their son turned 5. Having been an "only child" for over 4 1/2 years, he chose to simply ignore the arrival of this new pink bundle! He didn't look at her, play with her, or talk to her! He just went about his daily "business" as if she wasn't even there! I will try and locate the article, but from what I can recall, 2-3 years between is the ideal time frame for a variety of reasons. But Claudia, follow your heart above all things!! It sounds like you have an amazing family support system there, and you and Marcelo are young and have energy to spare! (Don't I recall something about you two going out DANCING just a couple weeks after Dante came home????????????????? ) So for you, having 2 children less than 18 months apart may be perfect timing! And no, Dante will not feel displaced or neglected. He will be secure in your love for him and more than ready to share that love with a new little brother or sister. (Now, sharing his toys....that may be a different matter!! )

Looks like Santa just added one more name to his "nice" list this year. (And what could be nicer than having the child of your dreams home for Christmas!!) Congratulations to the happy family!

How sad and tragic that such a young life, with so much potential, was taken so suddenly and without warning. Our thoughts and prayers are with Lily Ann, Kara, the Sheyker family, the Delgado family and all who knew and loved this amazing young man.

I saw Colby's picture in the photo gallery, and he is really a doll baby!!!!! What a cutie!!

Sherrie, Maybe you've tried this already....but have you thought of actually going on a "date" with Dylan??? Have a relative or someone you trust stay with Brenli, and you and Dylan have an evening out, just the two of you. Let him pick the place (movie, pizza, bowling, etc whatever he enjoys doing) and your focus is totally on him. (Translation: no talk about baby!!) Or, say Dylan would rather just stay home, kick back, order pizza delivery and play a board game with you. Drop Brenli off at a trusted neighbor's or friend's so there are no distraction, and again focus totally on Dylan!! These ideas come from a book I read and heartily recommend for every parent, entitled "The Five Love Languages of Children" by Gary Chapman The premise of the book is that each one of us has an "emotional tank" that needs to be filled. Our tank becomes "filled" when we receive the expressions of love that are most meaningful to us as individuals. The five love languages are quality time, words of affirmation, gifts, acts of service and physical touch. Each one of us has a primary love language and a secondary language. For example, from what you've written, Dylan's primary language would most likely be "quality time." Whether you have one child or five, the book points out that parents need to find opportunities for one-on-one, quality time with each child. As parents, we may be giving our children love, but in the wrong language!! This works the same way for adults!! For example....my mother-in-law, in an effort to endear herself to me after Jeff and I got married, used to send packages of little gifts (knicknacks, clothing items, etc) to me, then would be miffed when I didn't gush over with appreciation!!! For one, these were usually things I didn't want and would never buy for myself. But after reading this book, I also realized that "gifts" is not one of my love languages!!! Receiving "gifts" will not fill my emotional tank, in the same way as "quality time" or "words of affirmation" will. Once Dylan's emotional tank has been "filled," then perhaps he will not feel as "displaced" by Brenli, but will realize that love only gets bigger and better when it is shared!!

Just in time for Halloween, a sweet treat for another Pea Biscuit couple!! Congratulations, and here's wishing sweet treats all around for the rest of the Pea Biscuits-in-waiting!!

Claudia, Reading thru this topic tonight, I found your post from this summer, and it jogged my memory. Just a week...yes, I believe it was just one week, more or less, before our B.O.G. Catherine was born....I was at work and Abrazo attempted to call me. I worked evenings then, taking claims calls for an insurance company, and I had left my desk for just a few moments to go to the bathroom. As I came back and approached my desk, I saw my private extension flashing. However, before I could reach my phone, the line stopped flashing. I picked it up and the caller was gone. There was no message. When I got back home after work, I discovered that Abrazo had left a message on our home ans machine. They had also tried to reach my husband that evening as well (he frequently stayed late at work back then) but he wasn't able to take their call either. When I got in touch with Abrazo the next day, I learned that a couple had come into the office right at closing time with a toddler (I don't recall the exact age, but the child was under 2 years old) whom they could no longer care for, and wanted to make a placement plan that very evening! The reason Abrazo didn't leave a message on my work number was that they needed to get in touch with someone right then. I only missed their call by a few seconds!! I often think back and say to myself...What if I had been at my desk to take that call? Yes, we might have become parents a week or so earlier...but of a toddler, not a newborn, and we would have missed all those milestones that happen in a child's first year of life! And the bonding experience would have been totally different. No, I believe there must have been a reason why I was away from my desk at that exact moment. If I had taken that call, we might not have our Catherine today!!

I wanted to share a little bit about a conversation I had with Catherine this morning. She overslept, and did not want to get out of bed for school this morning, so of course we were rushed to get dressed, fix her hair and eat breakfast. She was adament that she did not want to wear tennis shoes, she wanted to wear flip flops! I compromised and let her wear slip on sandals. I rushed her out the door with a Nutri-grain breakfast bar and a juice box. When we got in the van, she told me "You're not my real mother!!" She continued with "Do you know who my real mother is??" I paused, waiting to hear her say something in relation to her adoption. (Since we just reconnected with her birthmother, I was certain she would say something like "I bet my real mom would let me wear flip flops!") But what she did say next gave me food for thought. She said "My real mother is Mary." (as in Mary, Jesus' mother!) I relaxed a bit, and explained that, yes, Mary is our Spiritual Mother. She is in Heaven watching over us along with Jesus her son. But since she can't be here on earth, I was given the responsibility to make sure you get to school on time properly dressed!! Catherine is enrolled in Religious Education (the Catholic equivalent of Sunday School) again this year, and they have been studying the Holy family (Mary, Joseph and Jesus) and how they loved and cared for each other, in relation to how we can care for each other within our own families. If you don't think children benefit from religious education, think again! They are obviously listening and learning more than we realize!!

Carmen, I became a first time mom at age 44 through the miracle and blessings of adoption! So no, I do not think 40 is "too old"!! I hope that this miracle of new life will only serve to draw your family closer together.

Birthday greetings all around, today is a day when blessings abound!! Happy birthday to my dear friend and quilt-maker Judy! Happy birthday to Catherine!

Sabrina, It sounds like you are just having a bad day!! I for one would miss you very, very, very much if you weren't here on the Forum!! I value your opinion and ideas highly. Plus, I would miss you as a friend. Treat yourself to a nice, long, hot bubble bath (it works for me!) You deserve a little pampering. Love, Martha

From an unknown author: "Angels sometimes block our paths because we are headed in the wrong direction." Experiencing discouragement due to a delayed or failed adoption plan? Still "in waiting," and haven't talked with a prospective birthmother in quite some time?? Perhaps you went on a job interview for the "perfect job," just to find out that you weren't selected for the position. Or you've applied to the "perfect college," only to find out you didn't meet their criteria for admissions. Or you went out on a date with the "perfect guy," but he didn't call back as promised?? Maybe there is an unseen angel at work in your life right now!

I just read a Consumer Alert to advise everyone to use caution when making monetary donations for the victims of Hurricane Katrina. Please make your donation directly to a reputable national agency, such as the American Red Cross, Salvation Army, your local church's relief fund, etc. Please use caution when responding to telephone solicitations. Most of those telephone solicitators take a "cut"....in other words, a portion of any donation you pledge thru a telephone solicitation goes to pay the salary of those making the calls!!!! Pass up those folks standing on the corner or intersections with buckets marked for "Hurricane Katrina." You just don't know if they're legitimate. About a year or so ago, the ABC show 20/20 showed some people collecting "For the Homeless," and after the buckets were full, they pocketed the money and moved on to another location. Sad to say, but the same thing could happen now. It is a shame to say, but there will be people trying to "make a buck" from this tragedy. Just be aware. Give from the heart, but give wisely. That's all I wanted to say!

Beautifully expressed, Jean!! Another aspect that the article brought up was the financial aspect. The single mom they profiled was a free lance journalist, and after bringing her Vietnamese son home from the orphanage, she found that she was not able to keep up with her work demands (i.e. meet deadlines for articles, etc) and her paycheck suffered. Fortunately she had saved money in advance, which got her through this adjustment period. Of course, financial concerns pertain whether you are a parent by birth or by adoption! It is just one more area that you have to examine before you take the next step!!

The front page of the S.A. Life section of our San Antonio Express News had an article this week entitled "Moms After 40: More single women are opting for adoption." The article states that there is "a growing number of single women in their 40's and 50's who are taking alternative paths to motherhood. In the last several decades, the number of older, single women adopting children has been increasing slowly and steadily in both domestic and international adoptions." The article continues "Adoption agencies, advocates say, are quick to see the advantages of single mothers who have more life experience and are increasingly more financially independent." As one 46 year old adoptive mother, whose son was adopted from a Vietnamese orphanage, put it, "I'd already gone to every party I needed to go to. I'd already had some nice relationships and some really bad ones. The only thing I hadn't had was a child." Single women who are contemplating adoption are advised to consider their network of support, because older parents often do not have relatives to help out. Single parents must think about the time they can dedicate to a child and whether they have a support system in place. However, all the women interviewed for the article said in the end, once they had their child home, it was all absolutely worth it!

Sabrina, Your strength and courage never fail to amaze me!! You are so awesome!! After all you've been through, your positive attitude and ability to turn "tragedy into triumph" are a constant source of inspiration for me!!

Sherrie, Congratulations! The tears over failed plans and the frustration of long waits just dissolve once that precious baby is in your arms! (Just ask me how I know! ) Now the happy times and precious memories can begin!! Blessings to you, Martha

Go ahead and send in all your application paperwork anyway, and get started on scheduling your physical exams, contacting a social worker for the home study, etc. You will be that much farther along when you do attend orientation. Good luck!

Claudia, Putting together the profile was for me, the hardest part. This was back in 1997 before the scrapbooking craze started and before digital cameras and being able to create photo pages digitally. I had to cut and paste on poster board! Another Abrazo couple we know went to a local scrapbooking supply store for help. Try to find a store that holds "scrapbooking nights" where folks bring in their pictures and trade ideas, etc. If you buy your supplies there (page borders, etc) they will help you select the best photos, crop them for best effect, and put the pictures together in an attractive manner. It's worth a try!!

Hi, We also "wore the blue." My husband and I were both Air Force officers when we got married, but separated from the active duty AF in 1992. He stayed in the Reserves and is now a Lt Colonel. I was stationed at Rhein-Main AB Germany in the mid-80's. Loved it! While you're over there, try to pick up one of those German strollers/baby carriages to bring back to use when your baby comes. Everybody who had kids over there thought the German ones were a lot more sturdy, and since Germans like to walk a lot, the stroller wheels were meant to go over the cobblestone streets. Welcome to the Abrazo forum family!

Dear Jennifer, Your post made me feel so sad!! I had no idea.... Sadly, your experience is not that uncommon. In the book Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption, the author Jorie Kincaid writes: "We have to face the fact that some families, despite our desires, will never treat adopted family members in the same way they treat the rest of the family. I know of a family who had one adopted granddaughter and two biological granddaughters. As the children grew up and married, the aging adoptive grandparents revised their will. They left their adopted granddaughter one dollar and divided a large portion of their estate equally between their bio granddaughters. Imagine the alienation this granddaughter will feel when she learns of her grandparents' decision. Another family suggested that an adopted grandchild should not inherit an engraved memento from his namesake grandparent, believing that it should be given to a more distant blood relative instead. Still another family excluded the adopted members from researched information about the family tree, mistakenly thinking that the adopted family members would not be interested. In this case the adopted children spoke up, declaring that family is family and that they were very much interested in their adoptive family roots! While some families make a distinction between their family members and their adoptive family members, most will treat them and love them equally. Though it is wise to seek extended family's blessing for an adoption, and we certainly hope for their approval, it is not necessary to seek their permission." Jennifer, I think you are wise to stay on the "high road" and not sink down to their level. It would not be good for Delaney to be caught in the middle of a "family feud" (and believe me children, even at a very young age, just know when relationships are strained...they can just sense it!!). And let your own family and Delaney's birthfamily know just how much you appreciate their love and support (I'm sure you already do!!)

Angie, We had a similar dilemma. We are Roman Catholic, and in our archdiocese the rule is that a copy of the child's State Birth Certificate must be provided before baptism can be performed, which would mean in that case that you'd have to wait until after finalization. We did have Catherine baptized at 3 months old, however, because that is the only time our out of town family members could be present. Our priest agreed to go ahead with the baptism ceremony, but would not issue the certificate of baptism until after we turned in a copy of the state birth certificate (which we received after finalization.) His concern was whether or not our adoption would be contested. In the past they had a situation where they proceeded with a baptism, only to have the adoption contested or for some reason never finalized. I recommend you speak to your pastor to find out what the requirements are for your church/denomination.

We had 3 failed matches during our year (yes, one year!) of working with Abrazo. I still feel the financial risk of a failed adoption plan is much less than the financial losses incurred by some couples who indure multiple failed in-vitro fertilizations. I have read stories of couples who spent upwards of $50,000 or more on failed in-vitros. Some insurance plans cover only the first or second try. Our Catherine was a BOG (baby on the ground) whose b/mother never received any prenatal care or applied for Medicaid. But Abrazo really came through for us when it counted...they negotiated the hospital down by several thousand dollars! (Anyone want to question billing practices? Look at your hospital bill...After my hysterectomy I examined my bill, and I mean $25 for the pillow I slept on, and the hospital kept and billed the next patient for???? Even with insurance, I still had to pay $$$ out of my own pocket!! Was it fair???) And as more and more insurance plans raise their deductibles, more people have to meet more and more costs out of pocket. Most adoption agencies will require fees up front...some quite a large fee up front, with absolutely no guarantees. One agency I visited simply handed me a packet of forms, then said "Return the completed package with your $8,000 check attached." That was in 1996, so the cost is probably much higher now! When entering into any business transaction, you must be well informed. Yes, Abrazo is a business and they have a payroll to meet, leasing and utility costs, advertising expenses, etc, just like any other business. I'm sure if Abrazo could perform all their services for free, they would....but they wouldn't be in business for very long!! Keep in mind that Abrazo is also registered as a non-profit agency with the state and federal gov't, and you can be sure their books have been audited in order to keep their licensing. No, their are absolutely no guarantees....in adoption or in life!!!

In the book "Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption" by Jorie Kincaid, there is an entire chapter devoted to this topic! The third chapter of the book is titled "Is Adoption Second Best?" Ms Kincaid writes "Do you struggle with the idea of adoption as a way to create a family? You may want to adopt, but fears lurk in your mind and you wonder if you will be doing the right thing. You may fear the timing, the unknowns, the choice of a child. In all of these situations, only you can decide if adoption is right for you. " The author then discusses some of the issues that one would want to consider before embarking on the adoption path. (I'll just highlight the main points here.....this chapter is 17 pages long!) Making Peace with the Past "First of all, everyone considering adoption needs to make peace with his or her past. If there are unresolved issues in your life or in the life of your spouse, it is important to resolve them before entering into the new relationships created by adoption. Once a new child or children enter into your home, personal issues are compounded because there are more people who are affected by them. A child will also bring into your family relationship personal issues that will demand your attention. He or she deserves to have parents who are anchored and ready to devote time to the child's needs instead of their own. It is essential to ask ourselves the questions "What has brought me to this place of considering adoption?" and "What is my motivation?" Motivations Can Differ "A decision to adopt cannot be based on a desire to be humanitarian or to fulfill a void in our own lives or even to please a husband or wife -- it must be based on a desire to love a child without any expectation from him or her in return. This is an important distinction. In order to have a successful parenting experience, a couple needs to be united in their decision to adopt, and that decision must be based on a desire to love a child. This unity of decision and the desire to give love to a child is the glue that binds a couple together in their adoption journey." Making Peace with Your Past "For many who choose to adopt, the motivation is infertility. And adoption is a wonderful way to create a family for people in this situation. But if you feel that adoption is a disappointing second-best alternative to biological parenting, it is important to resolve these feelings before an adopted child joins your family. You may be grieving over the inability to bear children, still carrying the pain and anger of that disappointment, when an adopted child comes into your home. Maybe you are a single woman who has had a great desire to be married and have a family, yet as the years have unfolded that dream simply has never materialized. Adoption can be a happy way for many single women to experience the joys of parenthood. But...it is important for a single woman to make peace with her singleness before pursing adoptive motherhood. Children feel their parents' emotion. For a successful parenting relationship, parents need to make peace with their past." Cultivate an Eternal Perspective "What is an eternal prespective? I see only a very small portion of my life. In contrast, God sees our circumstances with the big picture in mind. Cultivating an eternal perspective is the exercise of trying to look at the events in our lives in the way that God may look at them, realizing that he will use everything, both good and bad, together for good. Our vision is very limited compared to what God sees. Sometimes the very circumstance that seems so very devastating, like a failed in vitro attempt or an adoption that falls through, can eventually be viewed as a blessing as we see it in a larger context. Just as we see only our immediate circumstances, sometimes we see only immediate disappointment." The author then gives an illustration of what an "eternal perspective" has meant in her life: "On a Sunday afternoon many years ago, an unmarried young woman faced life-threatening emergency surgery for ovarian tumors. She survived the surgery but was left with the uncomfortable effects of menopause in her very early 20's and the devastating knowledge that she would never bear children. Her immediate circumstances had to leave her discouraged, wondering if she would every become a wife or experience the joy of motherhood. No one could say these circumstances were good ones! But many years later, looking at her situation through the perspective of eternity, the very circumstance which was the hardest for her to face, her infertility, has become a blessing in her life. That woman is my mother, and though unrelated biologically because I am adopted , we are as close friends as any mother and daughter can be. We are very grateful to God for bringing us into each other's lives. I attribute the passion I feel for orphan children and the adoption work I do around the world today to my mother. (Ms Kincaid is the founder and director of Orphans Overseas in Portland, Oregon.) If she had not experienced the pain of infertility in her young life, we would not have experienced the joy of which I am one of the recipients. Adoption is an outpouring of God's grace on all of the persons involved. Birthparents are recipients of a loving home for the child for whom they are not able to care. Adopted children are recipients of parents to love them and tell them they are special. Adoptive parents are recipients of a child to love and nurture. Adoption is clearly God's design. God can take our disappointments and fears and turn them into good if we give him that chance. Adoption as second-best? Not in God's eyes. " All quotes taken from Adopting for Good, A Guide for People Considering Adoption by Jorie Kincaid, 1997, Inter-Varsity Press