Laura

In West Michigan the going rate for a homestudy is about $1,600. I found one agency that quoted me $300. I was so excited that I commended them on providing affordable services and told the caseworker what other agencies were charging. She told me that those rates were redicuolous and that there was no reason to charge that much. I called her a couple of days later to get an appointment and start the process. She informed me that they had raised their rates from $300 to $1,000. I was ENRAGED. I still am. She went on to say that since she quoted me $300, they would be willing to do our study for $500. Um, is that how a quote works....HELLO! I am still angry beyond words about this. Of course, I would never consider using an agency with this type of practice. I would pay 3X as much before giving them my business. To me, it was a much larger frustration. This experience screamed at me loud and clear that adoption is an industry. That it is based on a market-economy that it sets its rates based on supply and demand. Ultimately, children are the ones who suffer. Children who need a family. It also hurts us. Men and women who long to parent and for so many of us, who never do because we can't afford the cost. For me personally, I have to say that I spent a few days thinking about backing out. Not because I don't believe in adoption, but because I don't want to support a corrupt system. In my area a good psychologist with a PHD makes about $100-$150 for a one hour session. There is no way on earth that an individual with a BA should be making several hundred an hour! My estimation is that most social workers make around $25-$35/hourly. Why should a social worker in adoption make more? Because they CAN. Because this world is full of greedy, ugly people who are willing to make their fortune off of the weak and helpless. Ultimately I have decided that no matter how corrupt the system may be, a child is behind it. That is why I am finishing up my homestudy this month with a different agency that I feel much better about. -Laura

Wow. Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. I am overwhelmed and very nervous. I've spent the last 48 hours really questioning if I have the emotional ability to go through with the adoption that I have in my heart to do. I've even reconsidered going back to fertility treatments. Last night my dear friend, who is a new believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, even offered to be a serrogate mother for me...something I have never even talked about our considered. I was touched to tears at her love for me. Amazing. Yet in spite of all of that, I don't really want to pursue that route. I don't think I could handle another round of drugs and treatments. Not to mention the fact that I know God has planned an adopted child for us. I KNOW it. I feel the seed of adoption as deeply in my spirit as I feel the desire to carry a child and give birth. And it is a different desire. I can't explain it, but even if I suddenly became Fertile Myrtle and had 5 kids of my own, that seed of adoption...that yearning would still be there. A yearning for a child I know God has planned for us through adoption. It is a yearning that no birthchild of my own could ever fulfill. So we will press on in spite of the risks. It just seems like I should feel more peaceful about it if it is really of the Lord. That does bother me a little bit. Yet I know adoption is part of God's plan for our lives, so maybe we just need to recognize that there may be some difficult times in the process and just press on. Thank you everyone, Scardy-cat (I mean, yours truly...Laura )

Sherrie, I'm so sorry that happened to you. I'm also enraged. That birthmother should be prosecuted for criminal activity. We are dealing with a very shady business if all parties including agencies, adoptive parents, government, AND birthparents are not held accountable. Aren't there any safeguards in place? While I respect a birthparent's right to change her mind (no matter how painful for the adoptive parents), I FIRMLY believe that all financial responsibility should become hers if she does decide to parent the baby. Anything short of that is robbery. Adoptive parents are not the social welfare system. In your case, the birthmom was obviously a scam-artist. In the honest case where a birthmom changes her mind about the adoption after you have financially (not to mention emotionally) invested in her and the baby, how does Abrazo handle the finances that she has taken from you? Does anyone know more in this area as it pertains to the law and legal rights of adoptive parents? Laura

What about the financial risk? What happens if a birthmom chooses you and then changes her mind in the end? Are you still required to pay for her expenses? Does anything change in regards to your administrative expenses with Abrazo? -Laura

Dear SMR--I entered a reply but I don't see it on the forum. If you got this already, I apologize, but I just want to be sure that you know that I am praying for you and my heart hurts for you and what you are going through. I also wanted to share a verse with you that comes to my mind when I think about you. It is from Joshua 1:9. It says "Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go." I am praying this verse over your life and trusting God to give you strength and courage to sustain you at this difficult time. -Laura

AHHH! I'm so sorry. Somehow I posted the same thing twice. I guess I posted when I thought I was editing. Sorry about that. -Laura

I can not tell you how thankful I am for this forum. There are so many issues related to adoption that I have never thought of, even though I have wanted to adopt since I can remember. One issue that I am really interested in hearing more about is the issue of open adoptions. I stand corrected and convicted of the fact that I too was one of those people who would stay clear of open adoption because of fear. Through your comments I have learned that being ready to adopt involves much more than being ready to have a baby. It means being ready to love the one who brings your baby into your arms (the birthmother) and being ready to accept heartbreak and trials by sharing the pain with my future babie's birthmother. One birth mom on the forum described the pain of letting her child go as hole in her heart that weighed # pounds and # oz., and was # inches long. This really moved me and made me think. I need to get to the point where I would be okay with understanding that my child is also another woman's child. This is hard. I think I will be there some day, but honestly it is going to take some time and I'm not going to make things all messy by just rushing ahead because I'm so ready to have a baby. I want to show love in every part of the process. At the same time, I don't know if I would personally ever desire to have the close, ongoing friendship with my child's birthmother that some of you describe. I do believe that being open is best, but I think there must be different levels of openness that people are comfortable with. I don't see myself ever wanting to have weekly or even monthly contact with the birthmother. I wonder if that would feel threatening? I wonder if that is why so many people adopt children from overseas where there is no chance of having contact with the birthmother. My beautiful little nephew is adopted. I know that once a year his mom and dad send pictures and a letter to the birthmother. They do not talk to her on the phone nor do they meet with her. When my nephew is 18 he will have the freedom to meet his birthmother if he wants to...and I know that his mom and dad do hope that he will want to. I guess this is a semi-open adoption? I'm not really sure. So does abrazo do semi-open adoptions as well, or is it all totally open or nothing? I hope I haven't offended people here. I want to be really clear that I want to be open. Like I said, I think all of this is so good because I am learning that while I may be ready to have a baby, I guess I'm not ready to adopt until I can work through some of this. I would really value your input. Blessings, Laura

Dear Suebee, Thank you for your encouraging words. Both the verses you mentioned have been significant in my life at one time or another, but until now I have not claimed or held onto either of them at this time of infertility. Ephesians 3:20-21 "Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen." I prayed this verse over and over at a time of crisis in my life when I felt called to break up with a man I deeply loved. I fully believed that the "immeasurably more" would come from God restoring that broken relationship. Well, the relationship was never restored, but a year or so later God united me with the man who I passionately love and am now married to. I will focus on looking forward to what "immeasurably more" means for us in regards to having children. In regards to backing off and praying rather than bringing adoption up every day with my husband...thank you for sharing that. I know you are so on with that. You are so right. That just reverberates truth in my heart. I know that that is what I need to do. Thank you. In regards to infertility, why do agencies require a diagnosis? I know families who joyfully have both adopted and biological children. My husband's brother has three biological children and one adopted (black) baby ---well he's three now, but he's still our baby! And one on the way in a year of so from Haiti. They are a beautiful family. My personal story of infirtility is almost 2 years of trying, a surgery to remove endometriosis, and 3 cycles on Clomid with shots. I plan to stay on the Clomid until April and then quit. I do not plan to try further measures. We have both been tested (blood work, sperm analysis, laparoscopy, physical exams) and no problems were found except the endometriosis that was removed in August. I am disappointed if we can't adopt with Abrazo...although I understand that 1 year of trying without success technically labels you "infertile". I don't know if my doctor would write a letter labeling me that or not. I have always had a deep desire to adopt AND to have biological children. We really want a minority child...hispanic, biracial, or black...or whatever! I know we won't be able to make a brown-eyed, dark-skinned baby! (We are fair-skinned, blond--well not as blond as we used to be, and blue-eyed). Again, thank you. And thank you Dr. Mom, too. You have both encouraged me greatly. Perhaps that infirtility requirement is just my ticket to the multi-cultural family that I do desire. Waiting for the immeasurably more... To Him who is able! Expectantly, Laura

My husband and I have been off birth control for almost two years. Although the first year we were not extremely aggressive about getting pregnant, we have been the last several months and still no results. My husband seems to believe that we are not getting pregnant because it is not the right timing and God has other plans for us. We know a few couples who believe that God caused them to wait for pregnancy due to the events and circumstances in their lives that were not ideal to bring a child into. It is true that the timing probably isn't perfect. He is in school full-time and I work full-time. Who would take care of the baby? Neither of us want our child to be in daycare more than part-time. And my husband knows that it will break my heart to have to leave my child every day and go to work. The frustrating thing is that I don't believe there will ever be a really good time for us to start a family. After he finishes school in 2005 we are applying to work overseas as foreign missionaries. That doesn't seem like a great time to have a kid or to adopt....and who knows how long we will stay overseas? And who would adopt to someone in a foreign country anyways? And wouldn't all of that be terribly difficult so far from home? So my point is, if he is willing to go off birth control, why not adopt when biology doesn't work? After all, if it did work, we'd be arranging our lives with a little one at this point. He feels like it is taking circumstances in our own hands and not allowing God to direct our paths. I understand what he is thinking, but I don't really agree and it isn't that easy for me. My heart is all wrapped up in it and around it. I see a baby or small child at the grocery store and am filled with deep longing for my own. People who can get pregnant by just thinking about it don't necessarily have the logistics all figured out. Why do all the T's need to be crossed and the I's dotted if you get a baby through adoption? I know my husband needs time. I have committed in my heart not to talk seriously about adoption again until the Spring...but it seems soooo far away. Any advice? Laura

Thank you for your very helpful insights. You have helped me to understand the financial issues with much more clarity. I'm very thankful for a logical explanation!

I'm wondering if any one can share some helpful information about financing an adoption. What loans are available? What are the interest rates? Do you really get that $10,000 tax credit that the government promises if you make under $150,000? Also, why is adoption so expensive? I've checked with a number of "non-profit" agencies that charge close to $20,000 for a domestic adoption. Any contact with one agency is at a cost of $135/hour. I'm a professional with a Master's degree and a job I'm proud of, but anything near that kind of money sounds more like a dream than a reality. I mean, we're looking at an annual income close to $300,000!!! Also, I have to say that it is disturbing to me that it is cheaper to adopt children of certain races or children with disabilities. How is this ethical? If we are really paying for actual expenses (legal, medical, agency...) and not "buying" children, shouldn't adoption costs be more or less the same for all adoptees? If anything, it seems like a child with a disability would cost more than a healthy child due to extra medical expenses. I know that I have limited knowledge on all of this and I am hoping that the laws of economy, supply and demand, and personal greed are NOT at work in the adoption market. Please share any helpful information and insight! Laura

My husband and I have always wanted to adopt a child of another race, but always imagined that we would have a couple of biological children first. We have been trying to conceive for nearly two years and while all of my friends seem to already have families or are getting pregnant for the first time, we are still childless. As time goes on, it feels like a twisting sword in my heart every time I see a pregnant friend or see women with infants. I am ready to have a baby in my arms to call my own...biology doesn't hold the draw that it used to. I am currently wondering when it is time to stop trying. I had endometriosis removed in August and have just started Clomid again (prior to the surgery I had gone through 2 cycles of Clomid and the shots, but not artificial insimmination or IVF). Although my husband has not been very supportive of infertility treatments in the past, he seems to understand my personal pain more lately and is showing more support for me taking Clomid and getting the shots. When I asked him about adoption he said he needed some time to process and pray about that whole possibility. I just wonder if any one has a suggestion regarding waiting... Thanks, Laura