Mommy2(again)

Elizabeth, I am so sorry for your loss. Please know you are in our thoughts and prayers. The Clarke's Jeannie, Eric, Michael, and Andrew

I have 2 boys also, they are 10 and 6. About 3 years ago, we put them in the same room. The reason was. when we moved our youngest out of the crib, he would go and crawl into his brother's bed during the night. I would find them in one or the others bed most every morning. I finally got smart and asked them if they wanted to share a room and got a resounding YES. When my older son turned 10, I asked them again if they wanted separate rooms... it was met with a big loud NO! They like each others company and to this point don't invade each others space. They each have their own bed and for us it has worked well. I suspect as they age they might want their own space.... or maybe not.... boys are a mystery

I would be concerned about a celebrity couple (married or unmarried) that has 4 children under the age of 6, as the Jolie-Pitt's do. That is a lot of young kiddos that need lots of attention. How can two movie actors that film on location for extended periods of time have the time to devote to all those kids????

We are just shy of 1 million for both of ours (together). I think I better sign up for more shifts at the hospital Jeannie

Welcome Amanda! Sounds like baby Cliff has an awesome b-mom! Jeannie

I remember being an emotional wreck at orientation... It was cool and made me want to adopt even more, but I remember sitting on the toilet at one of the breaks just sobbing. As for sleep, that is all I wanted to do.... I was worn out! I guess I am a wimp.... On Sat. night I was sooooo ready for those Margaritas! I hope that the new orientees are having a good time and don't spend too much time hiding in the bathroom like I did! Jeannie

Hi Noah, My name is Andrew. I am 7 years old too. I am a big brother like you are going to be. I like being a big brother. My little brother's name is Michael. We play together every day. Sometimes, he is a little annoying, but most of the time he is fun to play with. Your new friend, Andrew Clarke PS. Here is picture of my brother michael.

the social worker that prepared our homestudy suggested that we give our older child at least 20 minutes of alone time with us each day... we of course could not do it together, as someone had to tend to michael... but we found a way that he (andrew) had 20 minutes of mommy time and 20 minutes of daddy time each day. It made the adjustment to michael a little easier. Now... nearly 4 years later each of our boys gets some alone time with us each day. There are some days that I am SURE that there are not enough hours in the day to do all this, but it seems to work out. Now... for those of you that are planning on 3,4,5 or 6 children... my hat is off to you... I cannot imagine the symphony of juggling that has to go on to manage that many kiddos. Sometimes I feel like I am swimming upstream with just 2. I guess God gives us what we can manage.... Jeannie PS thanks webmaster for putting the picture of michael up... I could not figure out how to do it.

Lisa, my husband is not too fond of change either. That was his biggest fear of adopting a second child... it would change things. It did change things, but the changes have been good. There are times that having 2 little ones is a challenge, but for the most part it is great.... We found that after the second one was born we became more "organized" and structured... which benefitted us all. Jeannie

We were one of those couples that toggled back and forth between wanting to expand our family or leaving well enough alone with one child. I really wanted a second child and my husband was not wanting to upset the apple cart with regards to our relationship with our older son. I will say that having a second child did change the dynamics of the family for the positive. If you question whether you can love a second as much as the first. The answer is yes, but your relationships will be different as each child has thier individual personalities. For us, it was a good decision. Our sons are 3 1/2 years apart. They are just now at ages that they can play together, and they have developed a very good relationship with on another. As for adding a third child... that does not "feel" right with us.... 1 child was good, 2 is best (for us) Good luck to those that are struggling out there... the answer will come. Jeannie

Congratulations Tennisons!!!! Jeannie

Like Cath, I am a nurse and had worked with a group of RE's. It was in the late 80's when I did this, and IVF was fairly new and the success rate was not very good. Donor egg in-vitro was not even being done at that time. Fast forward to the late 90's when I was itching to have a child... my doctor educated me on donor egg IVF and showed me mountains of statistical information supporting the procedure. We elected to try it... we were pretty lucky because I got pregnant with the first complete cycle. It resulted in a beautifully healthy, term baby boy. A few years later when we decided that baby #2 was in our future, we were not so lucky... we attempted several times before I got pregnant and it resulted in a 21 week fetal demise. I was devistated and I was not willing to try that route again. We had never been against adoption, but it seemed like a huge hurtle. Having sustained the loss of a baby, and still wanting a child it was the logical route to take. Michael came along exactly 1 year minus one day that our baby had died and he has been a gift from heaven. In retrospect (hindsight is always 20/20) adoption is not nearly as scarey as we had imagined. Had we persued adoption when we first considered children, we would have been younger parents.... and at times, I wish we had been a little younger when our children were born... but as I have said in previous posts, I think that the road to parenthood had to be a little rocky for us, as we probably would have not appreciated the gift of children had we not had to suffer a little. To answer the question that Elizabeth posed.... how we grow our families is really irrelavant.... IVF works some of the time.... adoption works... more often..... I think the road to parenthood is guided by God.... for some IVF, some adoption..... some both.... Jeannie

"We have heard many times that our children are not real family so Doug's sister's children will get everything worthh family value" OUCH that one has to hurt! My mother in law was a little weird about us adopting a child of a different race. I am a straight to the point kind of gal, and my response to her concerns were probably a little too curt..... I told her "tough, deal with it" She really has risen to the occasion and she is very good to both our children and I think she has made it past the race issue. Jeannie

Dr Phil had a show on yesterday (Jan 29) of adoption failures. It had 2 couples that were having to return their adopted children because of failure of the lawyers to dot their I's and cross their T's. One child the paper work was completed, but NOT In front of a judge, so the adoption was overturned (it also involved the Native American Adoption laws). The fight has gone on for 3 years. The child is 4 years old and will have to be returned within the next 30 days. The second case was a case where there was failure to obtain consent from the birthfather, and he (along with the birthmom) are contesting the adoption and it looks like they will be able to overturn the adoption, again a 4 year old child. I was yelling at Dr. Phil through the TV to have Elizabeth on the show so she could spell out the proper way to complete an adoption process. Both families used private lawyers that were experienced with custody issues, but had not real experience with non-relative adoptions. I felt horrible for the families and even worse for the children. When these cases happen.... who is protecting the kids????? it appears that is no one... something is wrong with this picture! Just my 2 cents.... Jeannie P.s. Lisa, I am not a fan of Dr. Phil either. Much too full of himself for my liking!

My sister has 3 grown children and at the age of 45 found herself pregnant again. She has said from the time that little girl entered this world that she feels like she is a much better mother now at her age, and enjoys motherhood much more now than she did when she was in her 20's. In this day and age when most of us are living to well into our 80's I think that the 50 something year old mom will be blessed with many many years with her children, and perhaps her age will benefit her as was in my sister's case. Jeannie

What a beautiful post. I think Elizabeth is so right about the feelings surrounding adoption. I know that when a birthparent comes to the decision to make an adoption plan for their baby there is relief and profound sadness. We adoptive parents do not know the pain you go through, but in our minds the pain that we imagine is pretty intensel. The is one similarity that I think we all feel and that is the feeling of why me? A birthparent feels it when they find out there is going to be a baby and for whatever reason the timing is not right, whether it be emotional, financial, or a multitude of other reasons. The birthparent says "why me" why did this happen, what can I do so that I can keep this child and we will all be ok? The adoptive family for whatever reason is not able to concieve a baby. Whether the cause is do to a past illness, and unknown cause, or a known cause, they say "why me?" Why can't I make a baby? Ener the adoption plan. The birthparent makes her plan, and she choses a family for her baby and she says again, "Why me" Why do I have to do this? The adoptive family is chosen and the bond is created and the adoptive parents ask again, "why me?" why did the birthfamily chose me? The baby comes and the birthparent realizes her worst pain. The pain of saying goodbye. She asks again"why me?" I am doing the right thing for my baby, why do I have to hurt so bad?" The adoptive family realizes their dream of a child and yet it is very bittersweet, they ask "why me?" Why is my joy surrounded by other's pain?" I can tell you birthmoms that we adoptive moms don't go too long without thinking about you. We are so very grateful for the children, but we walk around with a feeling of guilt knowing that on those special days that we are celebrating you are shedding tears. I went to a wedding not too long ago that the flower girl was the brides birth daughter and the maid of honor was the adoptive mom. I remember looking at the families and feeling that is the way adoption is supposed to be. I know that for a lot of us it is not that way.... myself included, but if nothing else we all have hope. Thanks birthmoms for sharing your stories. Jeannie

Hang in there. Jeannie

I was working at a college before we adopted our second child. I let my Dean know after we had finished the orientation and all of our home study stuff was finsished. She is an adoptive mom also, so she was really supportive. Our son was placed with us over the Christmas holidays, so i took a few weeks off of the spring semester and returned to work when my son was about 3 months old. Jeannie

Congratulations Karen and Scott. It brought tears to my eyes reading your post. Miracles come in small packages. My best to you both and little Logan. Jeannie

Hi Lori, Welcome to the Abrazo family. I am an adoptive mom and I want you to know that all of us are here to support you in your journey. There are many birthmom's out there that have parented and placed children with adoptive families and I know that any of them would be honored to share their stories with you. We adoptive moms love our birthmoms like our families and we too, want you to do what is best for you. Take care and keep in touch with us. Jeannie

Feeling Blessed you sound like me! My house is full of blue "booties" I have been finding myself thinking about little pink "booties" lately.....

Nico, Can you imagine what it must be like for all those adoptees that found out "by accident" they were adopted. Think about the betrayal that they must feel. Think about how the birthfamilies feel not knowing anything about the children they brought into this world. Read some of the posts from the birthparents and also some of the posts of the adoptive families of how they feel when they have contact with each other. This forum is an education, in of itself, of open adoption.

Hi SMR, I am glad to hear that you are doing well. Those first few phone calls between birthparent and adoptive parent are really tough. The adoptive parents are just as nervous and scared as you are. I think all of the others out there in forum land can agree that when you get in touch with the right adoptive family you know it. It just feels right. If you have had the chance read any of the old posts of birthparents and adoptive parents, you can see that some really good friendships have evolved from this very difficult process. You sound like a very brave and caring girl, I am sure that you will find your way through this process. Good luck to you and remember we are here to help and listen. Jeannie

Dear SMR, I,too, am very sorry that you are having to face all of this. But, please know that the loss of the twin probably could not have been predicted or prevented. Your doctor is telling you the truth, a lot of twin pregnancies occur, but don't continue. I know you are feeling pretty low. I am glad to hear you are able to lean on your mom. Also, know you can lean on all us Abrazoites too. Take Care and hang in there. Jeannie

SMR, We are all here for you whenever you are ready. I know you are in a hard place now. My thoughts are with you. Jeannie