Lisa2

HI lori, my name is Lisa (there are many of us out here on abrazo-land) and I am a birthmom. I know where you are as far as the what will I do stage and why cant this be easier and all the confusion and craziness that goes on in this situation. I placed my son 5 years ago and as for me, open adoption was the only option next to parenting him myself. And as for your pick on getting info from Abrazo- your well on your way to making the best decision for your baby. They will let you guide them in your journey and will help you in way they can with the emotional struggle this can be. Let me be one of the first to say: Welcome to our family, and even if you dont choose abrazo or maybe not even adoption, there will be many prayers said on your behalf. May the support and knowledge of the staff and our forum-ites be here when you need it and may you decide to lean on us. I am here and I know many other birthmoms who are too.. so if you need to talk, cry, or just hang out feel free to message me and I will get you my number. By the way where in our great state are you? Love and prayers for you and the baby, Lisa

Well my thought on the whole open subject is this... As a birthmom I would NEVER have placed without an agreement of knowledge being shared. Not just for me but also for my son. The act of sharing information can mean the difference between an adopted child spending YEARS to find out a health history, or why they have green eyes or blonde hair. Take this as a for instance... I have a daughter who is 9. For 9 years she has been asked, where did you get that gorgeous red hair? This has been asked by strangers and friends. She has the joy not only of knowing her history enough to say her great great grandparents had this hair and that she looks just like her mom, and her mom looks like her dad and he looks like his mom. This is a heritage thing. She has a timeline to share. She can say those things and so can her friends. Now put yourself in a child's shoes. You dont know why you have brown hair when mom and dad are both blonde. You dont know why you have never seen a picture of your mom with a big tummy. And your friends find this amusing? What then? Do you come home and celebrate your differences and the fact that you get to be special and have an extra family member called a birthparent or more? NO YOU DONT!!!! You come home and cry because you dont know why you are different, or why when the teacher asks for everyone to tell their family story and you cant show that picture. You get teased because of it and you are made fun of over it! NOW WOULD YOU WANT YOUR CHILD TO FEEL THAT WAY? I would not and I dont believe that ANYONE would want their child to either. OR how about this.... Your grown child needs a health question answered.. Say they need a kidney or a bone marrrow donor and the doctor tells them that their parents or siblings are the most likely match.. and when you ask them... They have to say that its not likely beacause you arent their biological parent, and then they cant tell you anything about your bio-family and then who knows where to find them... Your child deals with their mortality and the fact that all they thought they knew is not right. That they may die. When you could have said well lets get on the phone and call her.. or him and see . To be able to share the knowledge with your child should give you a piece of mind that no other bit of info could give, and keeping it or ignoring it would be fatal. Would you choose it for you??? Now will that be the legacy you give your child? As for me and my family, and in turn my son and his, we will always know where the other is. We will always be able to call and say we love them, or ask a question, be it life threatening or not. and we will always be connected not by sealed court documents that specifically say we are not connected, but by heartstrings. Our hearts need the others, just as they need us. My son and my daughter will know their sibling, they may not have the same home but they share a bond, and its not a secret web of lies. Ok, I will step down off the soap box, for now, and get on to a happier less irritating subject. I will go with the thought that maybe I have changed a mind or a heart, maybe even both. May this post make those of you who are in closed adotpions find a way to share and talk about the secrets before they bury your child in misery, or in actual death, from lack of knowledge. May those of you considering adoption see why open is the best for the child. are we not supposed to ask ourselves as parents whats best for the child? Isnt that why most birthmoms place a child beacuse it is best for them?.. then why cant those of you adopting our children not continuing to calm your own fears by choosing closed adoptions. Please think of the children WE, as Birthparents, did... Lisa

ok,ok ya'll caught me lurking again.... I am a birthmom and just from my conversations with AP's (my son's and others) I have learned that you should address your fears. Talk out those fears based on myths and the horror stories. Talk out the fears about 'how the conversation will go with a birthmom", and will she like us. Talk about them, pray about them, and never forget that what is supposed to happen will and we (like it or not) can't change that. one more thing... SLEEP!!!! Babies tend to decrease our quality of sleep and that means you need to stock up now. lisa

HEAR YE, HEAR YE!!!! another Birthmom joins our ranks!! Yippee! Glad you are joining us here in Abrazo-land, Debra! Congrats on finding "your way' to the open adoption haven that abrazo has created.. I know i thank God every day for what they have done for me and others in the adoption world. Anyways, My name is Lisa and I placed my son 5 years ago this week. The process for me was not as short, or as glorious, as yours, that is until I met my sons parents. They were the end-all-be-all for me in my search. The two of them welcomed me into the family and continue to do so every day. I also have a 9 year old daughter that is here with me. So the benefits of an open adoption extend beyond just my own personal needs, it will allow two siblings to be in touch at a much younger age. As a birthmom I have learned that the more support you have from family, friends, agency, triad members (those of us that are 1-birthparents, 2-adoptive parents,3-adoptees) and from your AP's the better you will end up. Feel free that if you need or want to talk to get one of those outrageous Abrazo-gals on the horn and get some contact info for us. Several of the bitrhmoms are available to talk at any time and are more than happy to: 1. Listen 2. Wipe tears 3. Co-miserate 4. Talk (if you need to listen) 5. Hug & Hold a hand Plus many other things! (you just let us know what ya need and we will do our best.) Don't be surprised if due to hormone changes, and the emotional stress of placing, you are ready to laugh, cry, scream or jump for joy all at the same time. Your AP"S may be ready to do the same tho. Just take it one step at a time, maybe start an email conversation with your AP's. This would allow you to ask the hard or embarrasing questions and also give answers without the stress of how to word it. Email gives you the time to think over your answer and figure out exactly what you want to say, without all the long pauses like on the phone. also dont be afraid to ask the fun or more interesting questions.. one of the birthmom's askes what their first concert was, I asked what their first jobs were and at your earliest memory-what they wanted to be when the grew up. Anything quirky tends to drop the stress level of getting to know each other. anyways I will stop rambling, I could talik for hours... good luck and welcome to Abrazo. We are glad you are here! Lisa

smr, sorry i havent posted in response to u but i have had a very trying summer and fall. Please remember that even in your darkest hour the best friend u can have is yourself. never let yourself be down because of someone's behavior or attitude. I pray u will not have any negative comments and such said to you due to your adoption plan, but be strong and simply ask them to not comment if they can not be nice. keep your chin up.. and if u need to talk let me know.. those of us that are regulars and have been through this can tell you the road is bumpy but the joy in the gift of life you give a family is the best ever..

I DID IT!!!!!! I TOLD MY DAD!!!!!! I cant believe it! I am in utter and total shock... it just came out.... i am in a very emotionally troubling time right now and my dad came to visit for the day to give me support. This sign of caring from him simply broke my heart. NEVER before have i felt this unconditional love this strong, i mean i always kKNEW he loved me no matter what, but dropping everything and coming to town just to hug me was BEYOND his typical attitude. for those of you who arent familiar with my story... i mean novel,haha... I placed my son just over four years ago, and only 2 people in my family know. My mom... who is very not-nice about it and a cousin that is adopted and having birthmom issues. I have struggled with the need for him to know and the feeling that the only boy in my family isnt going to carry our name... i am in the generation where there are 7 girls and no boys... this made it even harder since our family bond is sooo strong. oh sweet release... i didnt know it could feel this good to have his support and the joy of his face as i shared the many scrap books of my sons life. i cant put into words the wieght the decision that telling him has lifted... deep breath... life does continue

ok my fellow lisa- friend... I will give you my personal thoughts... MOST people are terrified of "open", or if they are borderline on that subject, their families arent so keen on the idea. So, my son's ap's simply told their families that their opinion didnt matter and that if they decided to adopt through an open agency then they would just have to deal, and no bad attitudes would be accepted.... when i call now(my son is almost 4) i sometimes get his nana on the phone, we talk openly and she has accepted that this is best for him as for the thought of this system not working with everyone.. that can be so, but if you are secure in your decision and have discussed that "open" is a state of mind and not just a choice then you will be better off. You also have to truthfully convey your preferences on the open relationship with the birthmom... form the begining... if you want the whole shebang of holidays together or just simple note pics and an occassional call then say that... if you dont match just based on that all those involved are better off, eventually you will find a perfect match. And as a birthmom, i do have rough times in my life, just as the ap's do, and there are months when we have more contact than others, and that is ok... in the long run we are more open than not, and that is what we are okay with. as for just simply not knowing what you are comfortable with and not, that will come in time, i think even in the undecided things there are deffinites.. you "know" what you dont want... and you can figure out the rest if you think, share and listen with others like those of us here on our forum. None of the members here want to force our ideas on anyone, but we have been down the road and will be glad to share, and listen and give you our stories.. that will help you know how we can all be better parents.. whether by birth or adoption one last rambling opinion on the whole "absent birthmom". My daughter (who is 8) does not have her father involved. I have given her the answers to these questions.. most of which sound similar to those of a child of a "closed or absent" birthparent: Why does my daddy not love me? he does love you, but sometimes adults(i think i said big people) have to decide what they need in their own lives. And your father has made a decision not to be here with you because that is what he needs. But he does love you and sometimes just because we love someone doesnt mean we need to be there... plus look at all the people who are here and love you. Then we list 'em all and she goes on without another thought Can i give my daddy this for a present? You sure can. (we emptied a file drawer and she puts in all those lil notes and pictures she wants to give him, then when and if he does ever decide to be involved she has all the memories to share with him, and catch him up on her life She has a zillion of them but i have simply answered them as they come and in words she can understand and that are age appropriate. I dont tell her that he is a drug addict and has wasted his life and is missing out on the best thing he has ever done, or will ever do.... that will be her opinion to decide as she gets older. I also keep all info on whereabouts, and such, for her so that when she is grown decides to track him down, she will have everything possible to help her. If i could choose, i would not want this for her, but sometimes God works in crazy ways, and we dont always know th reason. Just as some open plans become closed for a time due to life's circumstances, we all have bumps in the road we travel, and maybe just maybe if they adopt again through an open agency they could end up with a bigger family and a birth family that takes both children as their own and supports them in ways the absent birthmom isnt doing... my version is the more people that love and care for a child, the better off they will be. this is the situation in many of abrazo's "againers" stories, that were either closed on the first one or have mia birthparents.

okay.. maybe i am confused but let me get this straight... you were on the road to open domestic adoption when you found out invotro might be an option and now you want international... i am very confused.. or maybe i am just way to tired today... but why are you disregaurding the domestic open adoption route... are you worried about having it work out(just as your cousin's and many here have had) or are you more worried about the idea of "open' and "relationships' with your birthfamily?.. because as i understand it most iinternational adoptions are not in ANY way open and you rarely get 100% of the knowledge (medical, personal or family history) you could get with a domestic open one.. plus are you ready to have your child ask about 'where they came from' and you to have a safe answer in the answer being that they are from a "far away land"? This sounds like you might need to decide the pro's and con's on each option... i am with you on the invitro procedure tho.. most of the people i know have not had good luck or have had terrible nerve racking decisions on wheather to "keep' all embryos or to "hope" they just get one or two healthy ones... and thats a heart ache i wish on no one... so think hard about what your child will want to know about their family history.. not only for medical reasons but for emotional ones too... good luck in your journey.. and may God bless you in whatever decision you make

ok time for a birthmom's side... Late november 1998, I was preg and had taken several months to decide i wanted to place.. so i began with talkin to several friends who had placed.. and got everything from "closed" horror stories to "open" tragedies.. so i made a few more calls and by the power of guidance ended up on the phone with the receptionist at an agency in San Antonio.... That was April.. and i am soooooo glad shes still with us. I talked with her and immidiately found a connection.. she had been down the same road i was on.. this was a unique quality of abrazo.. since none of the other agencies had B-moms on staff. Then i spoke to the other gals there... some have gone, some have stayed. To my surprise the decision became less of a burden every min on the phone with them! I agreed to go through them and the torando hasnt stopped... I was overnighted profiles( a stack of atleast 10! and then phone calls were arranged with a few families... oh joy, at last i had "found" the perfect ones, this was the first weekend of December... i was due in Feb. Then after lots of hours connecting they chose to match with someone else due to a lack of health info on the fathers side. This was a set back.. and quite dissappointing.... but i am a firm believer that ever sunshiny day must be preceeded with a lil dreariness. So, more profiles and calls... again i thought i found them.. and again they chose to match with someone else that was the week of Christmas...and then the first week of Jan 1999... again i made a call to Abrazo and said i need more profiles.. i dont feel the connection with any of the ones i have seen... They quickly said we only have a few that you havent seen... i wanted them that day.. so the fax machine at work rang... and as i stood peering into the printer i began to see black blobs where the pics should be and a winding lil letter through the middle. I didnt even wait for the printer to finish the first page and i was calling abrazo demanding a phonecall from these people! I KNEW THEY WERE IT BEFORE THE 1ST PAGE EVEN FINISHED! so a 3 hour phone call later i was paging the my birthmom coordinator.. I wanted them... I had to HAVE them! couldnt stand it... so paperwork and many many calls later i had a family i KNEW was the right one! We fit together like a lost peice of a puzzle had been found... I placed my son with them in Feb that year and to this day praise God that we get along so well! we are a family in every sense of the word.. they may live hundreds of miles away but every day they are with me! thank you abrazo.. and to those gals that were there then kudos to you for dealing with a histerical woman in need of "more profiles" and to April.. you are the best..(and do your homework!

i have a cousin who is invloved with the birth-grandmother... she simply calls her b.g. (bee gee) that gives a lil bit of a affectionate name without being too informal

kathie... i placed my son.. even though i am parenting his older sister.. the timing was not the best when i got pregnant but i sat back and looked at all my options.. call abrazo and talk to the gals there.. some have placed others have adopted.. they all have very caring hearts and minds and will give you the info you need to make the best decision possible.. i couldnot have made an informed decision with out the facts.. and you need those facts too.. please call them and allow them to give your info.. they do not pressure people nor do they "decide for you" like some agencies seem to do.. just think this all through then make a decision... best of luck...

sorry it has taken me so long to post but the past month or so has been very very hectic. Jada- i wish you could physically feel the love we all have for you and the pain we all share in your grief. I have held a special place in my heart for you and as i get more of your story i find more and more room for you and yours. The toughest thing is voicing the realities on the pain and grief you feel, and it makes you stronger than you think. Always remember that there are those of us out there that may not have the same story or may have a better result from their story but we all have the greif. Everyone deals in different ways and in the end we will all have some sense of peace, for you i hope that the peace reaches you soon. I had a very hard time with my placement. I was preg due to a rape and i could not deal emotionally or financially with the adition of a child into my one parent home where my daughter and myself were already having tough times. The emotional toll it would have taken on me would have been unbearable and beyond what i could take. this led me to my decision to place. I dont meet up with the stats either tho, i was 23 and a single mom never married, with some college credits under my belt. i was from a split family, my parents divorced when i was 4 and my father was remarried soon after, only to divorce again 15 yrs later. I never told my family, except for one cousin who is adopted(her was closed) and my mom found out after i delivered but before i got out of the hospital(i NEVER wanted her to know, and she is very cruel over the whole situation). As for the orther stats i dunno where i fit... linlacor, not to leave you til last, i have enjoyed your posts and i am crossing my fingers that you find the perfect match. But hon you shop way way too much... lol... i wish i could shop half as much as you do.

ok elizabeth.. here goes... why i chose to place is simple really... i was pregnant due to a rape situation and i was already a single mom to a lil girl. i could not financially or emotionally handle it on my own. how i found abrazo is easy... i opened the yellow pages and started with k and went back and fourth until i found an agency that was totally open idea as well as the GREASTEST staff ever! the benefits have been wonderful! my son gets to expirience life as a child in a family that goes to the beach several times a year. and has numerous other expiriences that as a single mom of 2 i could not have given him, not to metion the education that he has acess to as an only child(since recently they have decided they are "done") as fro encouragement... for those of you placing... keep your mind set on your choices... remember thatno one else has the emotional connection to your baby that you do and no one will have to deal with the extremems as much as you, so remember most of all you need to make this decision for you and your child not for your parents or your friends or anyone else for that matter. Also keep in mind that this is an open relationship you are forging with the ap's and that they want the best for you and your child. keep in mind that what is meant to be will happen no matter how may road blocks you construct and that it will all work out in the end. for those of you that are adopting remember that it is a rough road and that you will have some let downs and some bad times but all in all you will forget the rough spots when you bring home the new bundle of joy... He never gives us more than we can handle... keep that in mind too!

okay ya'll you have heard from the ap's side of this story but not from a birthmom's. I chose to place my son because i was not in the right place in my life for another child and due to the extreme circumstances of his creation. I felt this was the best choice for all involved and by placing him i gave him the opportunity for a life he would not have had the chance for with me. I loved him therefore i placed him. However, as for his "need' to return to his"origional family"... he IS with his family and i am a mere friend who gets to share in his joys and triumphs as well as comisserate on the few bad days we all have as parents. This allows him to have the connection with me as well as the family and life he deserved. He came into this world with nothing and he will continue in this world with much more wealth in love than he could ever wish for. We all love him very much and as for him "returning' to me, that is just not an option. I am often asked by ap's in waiting and by those who are not invovled in adoption circles what i will say when he calls me after an argument with his parents, and he wants to come "home". I simply reply he is home and that he has to learn to respect and listen to his parents just as a biological child does. The adoption story behind his family has nothing to do with where he may want or wish to be at any point. He is where God wanted him and we are all blessed to have the relationships we have. So no i am not simply waiting for him to return and they are not hiding him from me. I love the ap's just as much as my son. I say my son because God gave him to me, but he also gave him to the family he has today and will have forever.

i am not a parent to him.. i am the equivilant to an aunt or family friend... they choose to raise him in their way and i am ok with that... maybe i am crazy but thats one of the jobs of a parent and i am not in a parenting relationship with him.. and as for openness we did discuss the degree of openness and decided that we would all be ok with conatct occasionally.. then we became such good friends that we are more open than we origionally planned

God i love this place, please be patient i only work here beacause i am too old for a paper route, too young for social security, and too tired to have an affair. author unknown this little tale is on the wall at work to remind us that even tho life drags us down we push through and prevail with all our morals and dignity in tact... may you all push through what life brings you....

you become our friends during the whole process... i believe each and everyone of ya'll at the ranch are truly gifts and should remember just how much you do to create loving friendships and families from such hardship... we all know that the hardship of placing a child is difficult just as deciding to adopt is difficult... you make this as painless as possible with your kind words, thoughtful notes and loving sentiments... thank you for your friendship and for all the hand-holding you do.... please remember these things at the end of the long frustrating days when you dont go home on time... love and hugs to all

i have no idea why someone who wanted to parent a child would deny that child another loving relationship. and if they would.. are they deserving of a child at all... maybe they are but if so then why do we have such a problem with those who were adopted years ago.... why do they have the empty spots in their hearts... that empty hole is the same degree of pain that a parent would feel if they knew nothing of their child except for the begining... never to have a happy ending to a life story or be able to lift up that life to God in rejoice instead of in pain and brokenhearted feelings... may we all have happy endings and may we all realize that no one has the right to "take" a relationship away from someone else... this includes ap's, families and agencies that promote closed adoptions... in my mind they rank right up there with the abductors who refuse someone the relationships they deserve

as a birthmom i would like to let you know i would jump at the chance to share this wonderful expirience with someone who has been in my shoes... not only do we learn and do better from our lives but we carry a compassion... and a love for a child and family... including the extended family adoption on open terms brings is all that matters.... and we here at abrazo just choose those that God helps us find... remember he never gives you more trhan you can handle and you will have the best expirience if you shrug off the neg thoughts and soak up all the fun... and joy this will bring... best of luck

begining with the dennis miller quote from above that this is what i think and i may be wrong..... jada i too am a birthmom who choose not to tell her family. Three years ago i gave birth to a beautiful son and embraced his aps and their entire family ... i have extreme openness and love them all very very much i think their choice to have an extended family in on their plans was wise however we all underwent a very odd time of explainations and weird looks over the idea of open adoption.. but that is their choice. as for my news being shared... i needed support not berating and anger from anyone. this was the toughest thing i have ever done but it was my choice and the best for all involved due to the rape and the residual effects. I was having a nice visit in the hospital with the aps when the dorr opened and my mom walked in... she proceeded to tell me how stupid and ignorant this was and that i should have not been so impulsive to choose this and not allow her the option to adopt the baby, she procedded to tell the aps the same thing but much more hateful and mean. to this day i refuse to allow any access or info to be available to her. I dont share and i dont discuss and i never will she is beyond that curtesy from me. however the following thanksgiving i did tell my cousin who is a child of a closed adoption and just a few years younger.. she is searching. this brought me great peace. i have not told another soul related to me, i do plan on telling my dad very very soon... my stepmom and my dad are of a different mind set and this would be a gift of knowledge and family to them... and i am very sad i have waited so long, i just dred the telling of my story. beyond that i will not share although most of my freinds do know and are very supportive... they are my true family i believe that information can build you up as well as tear you down, and in an adoption plan there is no room for tearing down... so as for moral obligations... thats between you and God and i firmly believe He would have you be built up... even if it means excluding family and as the ya-ya sisters say let no man put us under.... may you not have anyone put you under for choosing adoption...love to all

i try to stay knowledgeable adout adoption practices so that when someone asks me i can respond with information that is true and correct.. and for a fact there are several agencies that boast "open" practices but do not offer the full range of options. Several agencies in dallas suggest a limited contact.. which is basically letters and pictures for up to 2 yrs and thats it. however they do offer the option to pick the families. i would hope that the bp's got to choose but i hope that her public life had nothing to do with the decision to override fears of aging aps with fame rather than less fame for younger and less public parents..... i cringe at the thought of someone choosing them so that a basic knowledge and probably pictures through media outlets were a 'better option" than openness

opus... while i can't answer those questions i would like to welcome you to our abrazo family. As a birthmom i hope you continue your enlightened attitude and keep the positive thoughts flowing our way. I wish you all the best.... and remember it may be a rough spot with all the paperwork and waiting but in the end you will forget it all... as you hold a new little bundle of joy

as a birthmom i can not stress enough that anyone considering adoption think through fully the decision to be party to a closed or open adoption. I have family members that have had terrible heartache due to the lack of personal info on their heritage and health info as well as identity questions due to physical issues like who they look like and what makes them like their biological family. I am a bmom to a beautiful son that i cherish. I have an extremely open adoption and would encourage everyone to chose this option. However i do know it is not for everyone. But just a few thoughts for you to consider while you look at all the options of adoption and degrees of openess..... what will you say when your precious little one looks at you and asks.... do i look like my "first family" or why do i have double jointed fingers or.... what was my birthparents favorite song, book, show, nusery rhyme... will i be taller than you? or... what does my birthparent sound like when they talk... laugh ... sing... or when they are sad... or any other personal questions they might think of in their little brain... are you going to be prepared to say "I dont know" or are you willing to say... well we can ask and find out...and then make that call or write that note... and get the answers just imagine how the birthparents feel... when they ask those questions about their child that they so lovingly gave to another family... whatever the reason. Can you deny both your child and the bp's that connection. I hope not.. because when i got a happy mother's day call from my three year old son i couldnt contain the joy in hearing his voice on my answering machine.... or when he calls and sings or just babbles.... i even enjoy the friendship with his ap's... we are all a family and through that i believe he will grow up stronger and mentally healthier with a common knowledge of his first family and the ap's family... including the half sister here with me... keep in mind that many many of the children placed have siblings either at home with the bp or placed prior or after them... could you stand to not have knowledge or contact with the flesh and blood you grew up knowing.. how would your life be different.... sorry to ramble on but in the past few weeks i have spoken to many families considering adoption... many of whom visit here and they tend to be very wary of open adoption... this scares me.. i thought our world had learned from the adoption tradgedy of our pasts and how the "questions" can separate a child from their ap's who dont know or wont share any knowledge... lets build families... not tear them down.. and learn from our mistakes.... i will pray that all of you take to heart these thoughts and ramblings of a birthmom... one who would not have placed if open adoption did not exist...

ok i am a birthmom to a 3year old son... My Top # Things I Lokked For: #1- A friend. I wanted a couple who could be my friend as well as be my sons friend when he is grown. This is an important trait if you ever have a visits and its helpful in communication. #2- A Family. I wanted a couple who's family was as important to them as mine is to me. The closer a family is to this child the better off their world can be. Visits arent as few and far between, giving my son a relationship with his family may allow for more stability when he is older and dealing with all the issues kids have over adoption. This also tends to make the couple stronger and decrease divorce in the long run. #3- Faith. I know this is a big word but it can make or break any relationship. I had to have faith in them just as they did with me. The couple has to have faith in each other or the couple will not get through anything. They have to have faith in their child, that through this open relationship that they will not "decide" to disown their adoptive parents and that i will not put them in this position. Also a faith in God. This can get you thru more bumps than we know and can mend a heart thats torn and tarnished.( Plus we all need prayer and support as to not strangle our teens.) What advice i would give is similar to Jada's- 1- Allow yourself to grieve. The loss of a child is a difficult thing. Without grieving we short circuit our hearts and minds. This can cause you to change your mind multiple times(and thats ok) but if you grieve before fully making this decision you can reduce the people you hurt when you change your mind. 2- Get support. Whether you ask abrazo to link you to someone in your area who can talk or just listen on a difficult day. Or if you already have someone to council you. Just dont be afraid to say that its hard. Because it is very hard but in the end this may be your best option, only YOU can decide. Just dont think that there is no one who cares because when all else fails I am here and i know others are to. Just ask Elizabeth or April or anyone at abrazo, they are there to help you get through the rough days. I still call and its been three years. 3- Make a promise to yourself about openness. Then find a family that matches you. This makes for fewer broken hearts and unanswered letters in the long run and can avoid your child from saying why were you not there. (when you could have been) 4- Begin to love yourself, the family you chose and your child from the start. You will be happier if you dont have to get beyond hate or negativity to communicate. 5- Vent! We all have days we want to scream, or cry or just stare at the wall. You cvan not hold in everything or you will be a mess, and that does not allow for a clear mind or heart. And without clarity... God help us all. 6- Pray- You may avoid talking about your hopes and dreams for this child with people but tell God. He can mend all hearts and hold every hand in need. He will guide you and console you in this, whatever you chose. He never gives us more than we can handle... remember that... because this is a heavy load. 7- Rejoice in your decision. Be happy about getting to chose. It was not very many years ago when women were not given choices. And every day we should be thankful that we have choices... remember China and other countries have orphanages full of children whose parents could not keep them and the could not chose who their child went to. This is a beautiful gift and we should be happy it is ours to chose. 8- Get help. Do not get into any situation that you do not understand. The people at abrazo and on this forum are here to help. ANY questions or comments are welcome. If you need more direct contact abrazo can find one of us for you to talk to. 9- Give. Give of yourself to your child and to their family. Give your love, your friendship, your compassion, your caring and your genes. This will create a bond for a lifetime. (and i will keep it down to ten even though i have hundreds...) 10- Thought. Put thought into your decision and everything you say. Whether its to a birthparent or to the perspective adoptive parents. We all have feelings and a comment may crush them if you are too uncaring or too inconsiderate of everyones feelings. Learn their story and do not make comments like you dont understand what its like.. because they more than likely have had similar or equal heartbreaks in this process. I know i ramble but there is so much to say on this... and if you ever need and ear or a hand call abrazo..they can find me...

very well put Jada... maybe we can all help smitty to come to a better understanding of open adoption... the whole world needs that...