Lisa2

I would like to begin by saying that I am greatful to live in a country where we are allowed to have the opinions we do and express them with others, without fear of repression. THANK GOD FOR THAT. Also, I am glad we all have the guts to share, as it does "put us out there" in a way. I truly believe no ill will was meant or taken, and that by posting we enter into an unstated agreement to listen and care for others, and not be mortally wounded either. I hope all of us, JADA THIS MEANS YOU TOO, will continue to have a discussion on this and other topics, even if we have to rearrange our thoughts for others to fully grasp it. I feel blessed to be here, with the freedom to read what we think. The discussion is the only way to a better brighter tomorrow for everyone in this world, if no one ever spoke people like Jesus would not have even made a dent into our reality. I for one am glad people allowed that discussion through the years, or my world would be much more bleak, as would yours. My thoughts on the topic are a mix. I feel that money can be the deciding factor to place or to adopt, and while that is a sad reality, for some. That is the stark reality in a nation where everything is not free and "taken care of" just by mere existence has us all. I believ that all good things come through an effort, or one of many other things, like love, loss, grief, chance, commitment, and many more. The least of those is choice. By choice we determine the want to be a parent within us. By choice we decide to make that a reality, some through typical bio-ways, and others through non-conventional ones and by adoption. By choice we are able to become the people we want to be, and by choice we determine we are unable to reach goals that once were our entire future. By choice I placed 2 children. That choice was not solely for financial reasons, but it was a factor. Both for me and my toddler. It was a choice that my children deserved to have more choices than I did. wheather those were financial choices or otherwise, I choose to place for their choices to be different. AND THEY ARE! Heck, mine are as well, I am able to choose to make my life what it is and can be because I am not a momma to 3. I am a momma to 1 daily, 1 by the grace of God and the joy that is open adoption, and 1 by connections so deep it is surreal, we are apart now, but one day we will find our connections and make our own choices at that time. I am able to choose things I would not have had even a thought of had my previous choices not been what they were. Did my choices then create all my problems now? Or even solve the ones I had at the time? NEVER IN A MILLION YEARS! But, I made them based on what I knew to be an inherent right of a God fearing human being. I had the ability to choose to make their lives differnt than what they could be in my home. I was blessed to have those choices, and would have been blessed in other ways had I parented, that I do know. Gov't assistance was NOT the reason either way for me, so I can in no way speak of it. But I do know I was not forced into that cycle because I choose to place. Had I had 3 kids, as a single mom, I would have been. What kind of life does that allow for? The future of those families, tends to be bleak-er than others, at least from my view of the lives I have witnessed. Those were the choices of those parents, and who am I to say they should or should not place? I am designed to pray and serve in all the ways I can based on my assignments from God. I pray He puts me in a place to influence those that are needing a voice of the "been there done that" crowd of adoption, and I pray that the media is not the voice of reason to those souls. I pray I can make that kind of impression, no matter the choice being to parent or place, or God fear abort. I know that adoption is a tough road to hoe for all sides, and even the ladies like at Abrazo. We all have our crown of thorns, it is all in how you wear yours. Make your choice. Is yours a burden or a blessing today? How can you choose to allow that crown to be for you tomorrow? It is all about choice, yours, mine, theirs, and may your choices change your world for the better, and may yours not change mine or anyone else's for the worse. Make a positive influence be your goal, and all the other worries and craziness of your day will be a wash, merely a background to the brilliance of your impact. Go! Choose! Impact! Discuss! But never be silenced by the fear of misunderstood views! We are family here, and our feelings are not a glass window that gets broken. And if it does the soul is only better seen without the fog of our clouded one-sided view. No offense intended, not to anyone, but sometimes we all need to stop being so politcally correct. After all Jesus was the most politically incorrect person, and look at his impact on our souls! I for one will be eternally greatful! I place my crowns at his feet for guidance on my choices daily, may you be so bold as well. Lisa

While I may have been "out of the loop" on this topic for the beginings, I have read the amjority of what was said, & am familiar with the original story that began it all. I would like to begin by saying that no matter who's toes get stepped on the point is that we are discussing it, and no ill will was meant, nor taken, from what I can see. I firmly believe the benefit of this country I call home is that it is a melting pot for all our own ideas and beliefs. that we are allowed to have these opinions, and share them. thank

My pregnancies were not hidden from everyone, just from some people. I avoided seeing my family that lived 3 hours away. I did many of the things in Elizabeth's list to avoid my mom, who I lived with in the during one of my pregnancies. She asked, I denied. I refused to tell her, I know why, it is not hard to figure out. She was always so critical and judgemental of me. She was pushy and had to have things her way, even when it was not her choice. She found out just after I delivered my son, and her way of dealing was to tell his new parents how irresponsible and impulsive I was, and how that was the worst decision I ever made. With my daughter she found out due to a "mistake" call from the Dr. when my answering machine ( I had a private line) picked up and it was not on silent. She decided it would be best for me to allow her to raise my daughter, but that was the worst choice I could have made. In both instances, I chose to go against what her decision would have been, and her finding out after the fact was easier than dealing with her rage during pregnancy. I do hope that all of us can find a place in our lives where it is known, and we can be available for those ladies who need to talk, even if I am a stranger, it does help to talk. Lisa

I am not sure how my son's extended family felt about the openness that his AP's chose to begin with. However, I do know that they LOVE him and seem to be nice friendly people. I have had the joy of speaking with the "MawMaw" and she is always very gracious, and caring. I just love all of them, even if we have not had the pleasure of speaking. After all they DO have impact on my son, and how he will view our relationship as he grows. Lisa

I took the liberty of forwarding it to the "other" agency used in Zoe's placement. I hope that she will pass along to all the AP's who are on the fence about openness. Lisa

I am including my email to the author and her response... Me to her.. Tell me just how you can consider it “open communication” if the adoptive parents do not acknowledge the existence and reality of a birthfamily that is involved with the children? I am more than a little confused. I would recommend you do your homework on what open adoption really means from more than one source, because in no way would I describe the comments in the article as “open” adoption language. I would be happy to speak with you, or you may contact the agency I placed my son through, Abrazo Adoptions Assoc. in San Antonio, Texas. You may visit their forum at www.abrazo.org to see a real view of what open adoptions are really about. Her response.. Thanks for reading the article. It was an open adoption, as it stated in the article, until the birth mother started calling the child under the influence, which Ana Strickland asked me not to print in the article. Communication can be closed if it is not in the best interest of the child or if the birth mother discloses crude language or material to the child that the adoptive parents do not agree with, as in the case of the Stricklands. For the article, I spoke with 6 adoption/pregnancy support agencies, and I would hope none of the agencies would give me wrong information. I was told many times that eventually the birth mother stops communicating with the adoptive parents, not the other way aruond. The Strickland's was just a case of the parents protecting the child from bad language and behavior. Thank you again for reading. My response to that.. The article does not say anything about that, and how can it be "open" if any party closed it? I believe Abrazo would dispute your statistics on birthparents stopping contact as well.

I just read an article from the MSn homepage... about why she chose adoption. It is obvious that it is an "open" one but it makes me furious that they do not SAY it is open. http://lifestyle.msn.com/familyandparentin...9437&page=1

Amen and a thousand thank yous to all those who preach "open" in all they do & say. You're the ones who make birthmoms get past their grief.

My top 3 for my daughter were a loving family/home, faithful parents (religion as well as to each other and their family) and the opporutnities I never had. now they are... those 3 but I have to add in the knowledge and love that comes with knowledge of her birthfamily and the removal of negative ideas that we are to be feared/kept in our "protective wrappers" until Zoe choses to open up (which most adoptees do not feel they can do at her age) My top 3 were and still are for my son a loving home where his birthfamily is welcome and integrated into his knowledge from the start a faithful home and the opportunities I did not have.

I grieve for my mom & all she is missing out on. I just can't bear to discuss any "happiness" I may have due to my choices to place Joshua or my glimmer of hope in th placement of Zoe. She is so consumed by her own feelings that she is missing out on the love joy and firendship of Joshua & his family and will in turn miss out on any info I gain on Zoe. My mom is just so hateful about things that it has driven a wedge into an already strained relationship & I no longer trust her with my feelings, hopes or dreams. I pray her heart brings change and that God will someday win out in this battle for control of her emotions & outbursts. I am a vitim of a mother who does not hesitate to bad-mouth or "spill the beans" on everything I do. So sad for all of those birthgrandparents to have missed so much. I wish they would consider just how the lack of inclusion by their children came to be during their time of decision making for that baby, maybe things will change for us all.

With repect to those profiles, I looked at them just to learn a bit more about some of my forum friends & they look great.. good job PIWs I am sure that God has just the kiddo(s) for you. keep the faith!

I wish all of us out there who are searching find our answers soon. Lord knows we are deserving, but sometimes he wants us to grow in the journey. wishing us all great knowledge on a short timetable!

This article makes me think of a book we discussed many moons ago here on the forum. Jaqueline Mitchard's Theory of Relativity is a wonderful exploration of this topic. I thuroughly enjoyed it. And after all (if I remember right) she is an Abrazo alum like us. Yet another benefit!

Elizabeth, Thanks for that list. I plan to print it and send it to my mom, maybe it will help her see that how she handles things with me is not good. In every "bad example" I see her actions over the past 30 years. I love her, but do not respect her for any of her opinions. After all, how can I respect someone who does not respect me, my child, my decision, or even the reasons for my choices. Maybe this will help others who are going through this with anyone, in a rough patch or needing to make a decision, have a few suggesstions and setting up the right/positive ressponses that will lead to a healthier choice & in the long run the better relationship.

I will be buying that book as well as suggesting it to a few friends who have placed. Then maybe I'll pass it on to my mom, who STILL, 8yrs later, belives her grief & sorrow is more important. Maybe whe'll learn something.

I think if birthmother's day were more prevelant we would be remembered more. I think everyone can get so wrapped up in being greatful to be able to be a mother on mother's day that some tend to forget why they were given that joy. Personally I have never had a mother's day w/o a call/card/etc... but I know birthmoms who have gone years w/o anything & that is SAD!

All I can say is thank God for AP's who are so kind. I am a blessed gal to know you all.

I would NEVER EVER Hesitate to call Elizabeth & Abrazo if I needed their services for any reason. After all, why would you call a stranger when you can call family. May this child, mother and potential ap's be in God's hands.

If this is a valid point then the majority of GRANDPARENTS & GREAT GREAT GRANDPARENTS are not fit to care for their own grandchildren, no matter how they became part of the family. That would mean no more overnights if granny can't move quick as a bunny. I think they should be ashamed.

ADAM... put your undies back on!

even though I have a great relationship with my son & his Ap's, I fear this. Even if I truly believe they would never close that door to me nor my family/children I FEAR it. I try to put that out of my head, but never the less it creeps back in every now & then. Darn society! It teaches us that the other shoe is going to drop, that nothing is permanent. It teaches us to be doubtful of our joy & the source of that joy. After all, adoptions are just us putting our faith in ours, and who are we to say they are trust worthy? Isn't that what society says everyday. I feel for those out there, who have had that door close. I say bust out a window and climb through. What is the worst that could happen? Is that "worst" any worse than where you are with the door closed & no "date" of when it will open again? I think it can't be worse, there is nothing worse than not knowing. I pray that all those invovled will find that window, or pry open that door. May the fear of what is lost be enough to find a way to open it again. Love hugs and prayers to you all.

Letter sent!!! I hope they call you Elizabeth for a feature article.

"Bless your heart, Lisa. You have a personal guardian angel who is the bee's knees. (Love that)" -Jean She has always been my gaurdian angel, & she has been through more with me than anyone can every know.

I agree Karen, Hooray for all the Dad's that make it so their kids KNOW that no matter what they have the support that they need. And Jean, hugs girl! Thanks. I try to be level headed, but it is a struggle. I attribute that to having a sister who was the "bee knees" and who even after she passed when I was 10, I knew what she would have done & went with that. Amen for all those siblings who really do raise the younger ones.

I am thankful that I did not hold my mom's opinion as gold when I was choosing. I knew her opinion without even asking. I knew she would think that I should allow HER to adopt. Which is not what i was thinking when it came to adoption & my stituation. I chose based on my own brain and the knowledge I grew up with and found on my own. I DID talk to other friends who had adopted & placed, however I did not consult my imidiate family members due to my own issues of which were to deep to deal with at the time. I have since dealt, and I still feel my decision was the best both for my son, my daughter I was already raising and myself. My mom does know now, but will never agree. If she thought there were a possiblility of her getting anything in her favor she would try to change the decision. She has gone around me & my requests, contacted my son's AP's which ARE NOT interested in having a relationship with someone who would disrespect my feelings in such a way. She continues to try and make all the positive feelings between the AP's and myself become negative. She continues to "talk bad" about me and my choice in writing to them. The refuse to even acknowledge her letters. thank God they know it is all about CONTROL for her. As for my Dad, it wasn't that I didn't tell him because he would disagree, I didn't tell him because of those issues I had, I know he will support me in anything, even if he doesn't agree. He might want to be sure I have all the facts, but he would in the end respect that it was my decision. I did finally tell him and he has been GRAND about it all. He & his wife have a great relationship with the APs and in the end we all are happier. I know it is not a GOOD thing to hide things from family, especially from your parents, as they have knowledge we do not, but if their knowledge is not "level headed" then tread lightly. And remember it will all work out and God will see you through. After all, the lives we lead are merely a story He wrote before we were even a single cell, he knew us, and in turn we should trust in Him. He will never steer us wrong.