Steven&Melissa

My sweet Nana is my only living grandparent. She's now suffering from dementia, and has just gone to live in assisted living, but I can remember - especially from my teen years - hearing her refer to someone using a racial slur. She didn't mean it any differently than I might in saying "You know, he's the older Asian man who lives down the street" or a descriptor like that. From the deep south, times were different and like most adults - she was fairly set in her ways. When the "n word" would get thrown out for the first time (usually at the beginning of a visit), I'd remind her that I took offense and she would stop. There was this genuine look on her face like she honestly hadn't meant anything by it. She meant it as a descriptor ... meant to distinguish who she was talking about ... with no other connotations. Like sayings we throw around that we don't understand the roots of ("putting a child up for adoption," for instance), there wasn't a deeper meaning behind her words. I don't know what she'd do/say now that she has dementia, but she did eventually stop saying it around me growing up. I did factor in what my children would hear from elderly family members (or, quite honestly, people my parents' age) growing up if we adopted a child of any color/heritage other than Anglo. I have faith in my extended family that they'd at least bite their tongues, but it's sad to think that's even necessary. And their thoughts certainly wouldn't keep us from adoptiong a child of another heritage. I wonder how this will change over the generations? Will future adopting parents even think about the fact that their elderly family members will need an education on "uttering racial or ethnic stereotypes that made me cringe?" I mean... is that hurdle really that much bigger than the education we already have to give all of our family members on adoption and proper language surrounding it?

LOL... it certainly is!! Well, bless your sweet ignorant heart.

Ugh, that's my least favorite. Even some of my more sensitive friends have said things like "well, at least you didn't gain 40lbs!" or "at least you didn't have to experience labor!" I usually respond with "Yep - but I gained 60lbs after fertility drugs and three painful open-abdominal surgeries, including a hysterectomy!" I ALWAYS follow it up by saying that we all get the final end result - a child who God intended for our family. I'll never forget the best thing that came out of our failed match. That expectant mom said to me that she believed God "blesses" some people with infertility. He finds the people who have the kindest hearts to travel that road. Some people are suited for it and some people are not. It takes a strong, caring person to walk through open adoption (on both the birth and adoptive side). You can either look at it as a curse or blessing and of course we all look at our children as blessings, but I tend to look at my infertility that way, too. Being strong and caring is something I'm thankful God gave me instead of working ovaries!

Ughhhhhhh JERKS!

Question... Has anyone ever recorded a video and either provided a link in their profile or included a DVD? I know not all expectant parents would have the means to view it, but even if they went to their public library, they could take a look. Or if they're at the Abrazo offices or receive a visit from one of the 'Chicks... I have to wonder if maybe a simple "hello" where they could see things in motion, or a short tour of the house (and finished nursery?), any prospective siblings running around, etc. might set their hearts at ease a little bit? Maybe it's a glimpse that's a little more tangible than the few photos we can fit in profiles? Pros? Cons? We don't plan on "going around again" anytime in the immediate future, but I do keep in mind what photos we'd need for our next profile and try to keep an archive going. I take video of Oliver all the time, but we're not in them with him too often. Wondering if taking a plunge into a short video might be a good addition for the next time. I'd especially love to hear birthparent thoughts on this, too (on everything, really). Would it have helped you?

We also got an ATIN and needed it before getting our taxes done since Oliver didn't have a social security # yet. Here's the link we used to get started. We actually had to file an extension on our taxes b/c we were waiting on this number.

We had a failed match in 2010 and a successful placement in 2011. Our failed attempt counted as it's own attempt... and we could count it on our 2010 taxes. Oliver's however, we'll have to file on our 2011 taxes since we finalized in 2011! For sure, everything feels hazy until the accountant explains things. I still don't 100% understand.

This article was good for the soul. Seriously... part of what keeps me from being a stay at home mom is that I fear I'm not good at it. That I don't have enough patience or that my child might be able to tell that I'm wondering how many minutes there are until nap time. The truth, just like this lady said, is that no matter how much I LOVE my child, "me" time is what I need to recharge my batteries - emotional and physical. Those "Kairos" moments are the ones that recharge my spirit, though, and I savor every single one of those I get and it really does feel like time stands still during those moments. It's not watching American Idol that enriches my life, but it is the detox I need to give me the energy to hit the ground running at 5:30am the next morning. Good read, Hannah! Thanks for posting.

Ditto on this... our accountant specializes in adoption (Memphis folks, feel free to PM me for his info if needed). He helped us navigate LAST YEAR, filing taxes for our failed placement (just before Oliver's placement). We could file for the same year it happened (failed 2010, filed with 2010 taxes). However, we're filing our 2010 placement (2011 finalization) with our 2011 taxes. While we didn't get back a HUGE amount, it was around $4k! Our accountant explained it as "per attempt, followed by a successful placement."

After another emotional call last night, I went seeking scripture on faith, strength, peace and trust in God. Proverbs 4:23 - Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it. John 14:27 - I'm leaving you with peace of mind and heart! And the peace I give isn't fragile like the peace the world gives, so don't be troubled or afraid. Proverbs 3:5-6 - Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all ways acknowledge Him, and He will direct your paths. Deuteronomy 31:6 - Be strong and courageous. Do not fear or be in dread of them, for it is the LORD your God who goes with you. He will not leave you or forsake you.” Isaiah 41:10 - Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

I agree... and I'm glad this information will be out here on the forum for future expectant, birth and adoptive parents. Dealing with the issue of forgiveness (of self and others) is tough. I've sent B a note with this information and told her I'll send her more info as I find it and receive guidance from others. Thank you all for responding. I'm so proud of her for seeking a positive way to relieve the weight that's on her shoulders so she can heal some wounds and lead a happier life. I'm happy it's through a relationship with God, but in general... this is a positive step for her and such a healthy way of dealing with hurt.

I was talking to B tonight and it was an especially solemn call. She was really introspective and she's made some stretches toward some good decisions lately. I'm proud of her each time she does something to better her life and tonight, she said that she'd been thinking a lot about how she needed to go back to church. All signs in her life are pointing for her to seek religion out and find comfort and direction through God. She said she's been reading the bible a lot and has been desperate to find guidance in a few areas: forgiveness of others, forgiveness of yourself, and relationships between men and women (leading to marriage, marriage, commitment, faithfulness, etc). Can anyone please suggest some especially moving passages I can share with her? She has a lot of hurt and pain to let go of and although forgiveness is a hard thing, she is especially hopeful to find some way to let go of all that anger and hurt and focus on the positive things in life. Thanks to everyone in advance for lending your knowledge.

Wow, Charu... I am constantly amazed at the little "coincidences" that occur when our babies find us. One day before your birthday, your little miracle finds you. What a truly amazing birthday gift. I read your post aloud to Steven and we are both overflowing with happiness for you. Everything happens just as God intends and now Krish has found his family and I know his birth parents feel tremendous comfort knowing what sweet and loving people they chose to raise their son. Enjoy these sleepless days as you go to and from the hospital... and take as many photos and videos as you can! You'll cherish them so much as he grows bigger every day! Very excited to see your placement photo!

I feel like crying. I'm so, so happy for you Darshan and Charu!!!!!! Hooray!

Congratulations to the newest family!!! Enjoy these early days!

You're awesome, Nicole. Such an insightful post... you're completely right. You really tapped into exactly how this should be handled with them. Steven's mom sent a thank-you letter in the mail. She said we couldn't possibly understand how much it had meant to her to meet Ollie and that it had been so hard to not see him for so long. I guess I just didn't/don't understand. There were so many invites. But none of that matters. They've met him and they've fallen in love. I am consistently amazed at the walls Oliver can tear down. He's softened their hearts and now, all there is to do is educate. Lovingly. Deb - so glad your mom is on here! My mom (GrandMimi) is on the forum, too. She really only lurks (hi, mom) but it has been SO educational for her. We've talked a lot recently about who would have guardianship over Ollie if something happened to us. Both Steven and I could - without a doubt - say that we could count on my mom 100% to honor the relationship he has with his birthmama. It's because of the forum that she not only understands open adoption, but believes in it wholeheartedly. I'd LOVE to have stronger birth-and-adoptive grandparent participation on the forum!!! Have your mom get in touch with my mom if she wants another grandma's perspective!!!