scs

It sounds to me more like the adoption lawyer was trying to “buy” the birthparents. It makes me incredibly sad that people who have the money would try and take advantage of birth parents. I understand that it is also sad that birthparents would even consider taking money or put a price on their child. But we’ve got to understand that we all come for different walks of life…some really good and some really bad. I’ve never been in a situation when I had to worry about shelter or food but I know what it feels like to be scared and alone and very vulnerable. And if I had to do all over again (adoption) I would go through an agency...without a doubt!!!! Being so young and niave it was really hard for me to speak up. I was soooo alone during a very hard time in my life...and I didn't have anyone to back ME up, no one to speak up for ME. I basically let everyone tell me how it was going to be.

This is not a book about adoption but it is such a good book that I had to recommend it. It is my absolute favorite book of all times. It is called, You Are Special by Max Lucado. I bought it several years ago for my oldest son and then thought we lost it 3 years ago when we moved. Anyway I found it the other day and read it to my 4 year old and then my 2 year old cuddled next to me to listen to the story. It's a great book for all ages! I love, I love, I love this book!

Today’s show was absolutely heart wrenching. The subject is one that I don’t like to discuss or think about often because honestly it is my worst fear…but we won’t go there. Although this was a very sad, heart breaking show what I appreciate about it is that it is very real…sometimes adoptive parents have a hard time bonding with their adopted children (maybe not nearly to the extreme as this adoptive couple…they were unbelievably cruel…in my opinion). Of course no one likes to talk about it (here I go again… bringing up the unspeakable) but it’s the truth and it does happen. Didn’t I say I wasn’t going to go there?!? I’ll shut up now!!!! ... Now where did I leave my favorite rose colored glasses?

Just wanted to clarify that even though I knew Dwight’s sister, I did not know Dwight and Mo…so they were really like strangers to me. The first time I supposedly met Dwight I was around 10 or so…don’t remember meeting him and then around 15, he and Mo came to visit…don’t remember that either. In fact when they were here we were talking about that…they remember meeting me but I don’t remember meeting them. Mo kinda laughed about how snooty I was and how Michaela acts the same way around strangers. I’m not like that anymore. But anyway, I really did not know them when I moved in with them…it was really, really strange moving in with people you don’t know. It really was a leap of faith for all of us. We all had to believe that we were right for each other. Honestly, I was just glad that they were willing to be apart of an open adoption…in fact it really was their idea. I really had not heard much about open adoption so when it was mentioned I jumped on board and so did my parents (my dad had a really, really hard time with the idea of adoption, I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad so crushed…still brings tears to my eyes). I think we all bought into the idea that adoption would fix everything…so we went with it. And I truly did spend a lot of time thinking about what was best for her and Joshua (my son who I was parenting at the time). I mean I really felt that we would all have a better chance at having a better life if we went with adoption. But honestly I don’t think we were at all prepared for the journey ahead…we were soooo clueless. Which brings me back to the topic of agency or private. Had we gone through an agency, especially one like Abrazo, I think we would have had a better idea of what adoption is really like. I think the orientation that adoptive parents are required to attend is really good at explaining what open adoption is. I don’t think you can ever fully prepared for such an adventure but at least you have an idea on what it could be like. I was totally unprepared for my lose….had no idea how to deal with it…had no one to talk to about it. How did you deal with it Lisa? Did Gladney really talk to you about the lose and the feeling you would have afterwards? Did you leave right away after placement? Were you able to talk to your mom or sister or friends about your experience? How did you deal with the lose? Sorry about having to ask about the regrets…I just wondered if you had any. I guess we all have them. Like I wonder why the heck I ever went back with my ex-boyfriend…what was I thinking? Really, what was I thinking? I must have had some really low self esteem…like really low. I always felt like I was confident…guess I was really wrong! Its funny looking back how I would have done anything to make the relationship work…gosh what was I thinking? As Garth Brooks puts it, “Thank God for unanswered prayers…some of God’s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers.” Lisa, I have faith that one day you will have many of your questions answered…I just don’t doubt that your daughter will find you or vise versa. Just like I don’t doubt Mo’s son will one day find her…gosh I pray all the time that he is doing well and that he will search or is searching. I know it would just give Mo so much peace. She, like you, wonders what his name is…she did name him but feels strongly that he was renamed. I use to believe that he had the same name….back then I could not understand how adoptive parents could change a baby’s name…I can understand better now. But don’t get me started on Adoptive parents that change a child’s name who is already 2 or 3 years old. I see it all the time on the Adoption Stories Series…I really don’t understand that. Ooooh it makes me upset. Lets just pretend you didn’t exist before and lets start all over….really what are they thinking? Anyone willing help me understand? Okay, I’m off my soapbox! Anyway, Lisa, I can understand why just knowing her name would be important to you. At Gladney did they not encourage birth moms to name their child? How did that work? Dwight and Mo already had a name picked out and I just went with it. I know naming is a big issue. Mo really could not understand why I would not name her…I could not understand why she would want me to. Okay, let me name her so you can turn around and change it…okay that makes sense to me, especially in an open adoption where I would have a relationship with her. I could not imagine going my whole life identifying her at “Jan” (just an example) in my mind but having to call her Michaela. Let me just say I understand why naming is important, I can certainly understand why Mo would name her child…I would have too if I was in the same position but I wasn’t and I was completely happy with the name chosen and I went with it. I really like when adoptive parents and birth parents work together on a name. Anyway, Lisa is good to hear that you don’t have any doubts about what you did. I really don’t either but sometimes my guilt likes to creep on me and make me feel bad. I know, that I know that I did the very best for all of us…just hope she understands that…I think she will. And I can understand how you were glad that you experienced what you did…can totally understand. I know I would not be the person I am today had I not gone through it. I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for and their were so many lessons I learned…ooooh the lessons I learned….lets just say it was enough for me to never, ever want to go through it again.

Lisa- It’s funny you brought this up. I was thinking about this the other day…I was thinking about the benefits of going through an agency, especially one like Abrazo. I think it is so important for a birthmother to have that sort of support…yet did you feel that support while at Gladney? I sometimes wonder if there are other agencies that sell “open” adoption just to get you in the door. In fact the other day I saw a billboard that advertised an agency that said it fully supported birthmothers but when I went to their website there was hardly anything about support for birthmothers and there was a lot of time spent on information for the adoptive parents. I don’t know, I could be totally wrong but I just had this weird feeling…it wasn’t a good one. I would really encourage women to really look into an agency…don’t just trust everyone. I remember calling an agency in town (during my pregnancy with Michaela) and just taking it all in and really liking what I heard… I think part of my problem was that I was so scared and naive and had no clue what to look for or ask. Just a couple of years ago this same agency was in the news…it wasn’t good and it is so scary that I could have placed through them. It still amazes me how God had his hand on me during this time. So…I was thinking about the support that Abrazo gives birthmothers is really amazing. I’m sure not everyone has a great experience…it’s bound to happen..but when you compare them with other agencies…there is really no comparison. So, I started thinking about my own adoption…as you many of ya’ll know it was a private adoption. There really is a lot of pros and cons. I thought about many of my feelings that I had back then. It was really hard not having that middleman…if I had a problem I had to either tell them or keep it to myself. Usually I kept things to myself because it was soooo hard to tell them exactly what I was feeling. Again, it is funny how God had his hand on me because I came across some incredible people who were out to protect me. Such as my midwives and the social worker that I saw a few times. The midwives treated me as the mother while I was pregnant. There were a few times that Mo went in with me for my prenatal visits…she didn’t like the way they treated her. She eventually stopped going and told Dwight to go with me…I guess she thought he’d set them straight…it didn’t work. They explained that I was their patient not him. I honestly didn’t feel like they treated them badly…to them I was the mother and until I signed the papers that was how they were going to treat me. I eventually started going by myself..that was a little sad for me. The midwives also spoke to me many times about getting some sort of medical aid so if I did change my mind I wouldn’t have to worry about medical bills. They also talked to me about getting my own lawyer during the process…I clearly remember them saying, “they are paying someone to protect them, who is going to protect you?” Can you imagine all the things running through my head? I was so lost and so scared. I remember Dwight’s response to this,” we don’t want to get anther lawyer involved, we are in this together and if another lawyer were be apart of this it would make things more complicated.” I bought it…we were in this together. I also had an incredible social worker that I really felt comfortable with, she was so nice and so understanding. She was the one who helped me tell Dwight and Mo that I needed time alone after Michaela’s birth. She was also there right before signing the papers a few days after delivery. The nurses at the hospital were also really incredible. With all that said…I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I totally think the pros out weight the cons. I would never have been able to have this experience if I went through an agency. Being able to live with them was incredible. I got to know not just them but both sides of the family. I also got to meet their friends and community. There was so much peace in knowing exactly what my daughter would grow up around. Great friendships began during my time in Iowa. Its really hard to explain because it was really a scary, sad time in my life yet it was a time that I really grew spiritually and there were many happy times that I had there. I met a lot of great people. Okay, so I’m not saying that private adoption is the best thing…I totally think that people considering adoption should really seek out the best agency out there. DON’T just go anywhere. But my experience with private adoption it was overall really good. So, Lisa, you talked about the 2 things you don’t regret. Are there things that you do regret about your adoption? I know I’ve said several times that I don’t have regrets either and for the most part I don’t but I wouldn’t be totally honest if I said that there have been times when I thought I had the biggest mistake of my life…yet isn’t that a regret? I’m just babbling…I don’t really have any huge regrets but there are days when I do wonder…ya know? I also saw that MTV show…it was really hard for me to watch too.

A certain verse came to mind while reading these posts. Delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. Psalm 37:4 Although life doesn't always go the way we plan it to God still sees our hearts. He knows our hopes, dreams and desires. There are sooo many ways God works.

I think you should really sit and write down things that are important to you. What do you want to know about these people? Be real about what your expectations on communication and contact... little, some, or a lot. I wish I could give you a list of things to ask but as we all know birthmoms are all different. What is important to me may not be important to you. But my advise is be REAL and honest not just with them but with yourself as well.

I think you should tell your parents as soon as possible. Adoption is such a big deal and they are the grandparents they have the right to know. I know you are afraid of how your dad will react but he loves you. I was terrified to tell my mother. I remember telling everyone, "But you don't understand my mother will never speak to me again!" Honestly my mother and I did not a have a real relationship for about 8 years....YES 8 years... it was really hard for me and I thought she'd never come around...but I never gave up and continued to try and restore what we had. My mom has always been the,"what will people say!" kind of person. She lives for everyone else...she's always been that way and I can't change her. Just about a year ago things have really changed between us. We have a wonderful relationship we talk just about everyday...she's my mom and I always knew she'd come around. So I highly recommand telling your parents even if they do get upset...they'll get over it...sooner or later. I'm certain your dad will not be upset for 8 years like my mom was...she is an extreme case.

I feel that in an open adoption the birth parents should know. I think being open and honest to the family is very important. When I think of an open adoption...its not just the birth mom that has a relationship with the child...its the whole family. How would the adoptee feel if they only had a relationship with the birth mom and not with birth grandparents? I mean, what is the point of open adoption?... to be real and honest and having an openly loving relationship...how can it be real if the birth family has no clue? I can't imagine telling Micahela...I love you but I just can't introduce you to my family because they don't know about you... how would she feel... like a BIG shameful secret!