Lisa2

leave it to our fearless leader to go down the road of mom-isms from the bible... I really wonder where she finds the time to do all that...

wasn't there a BIG national story about China changing their laws just this week, saying additional info would be need on all currently-in-process adoptions and all future adoptions??? Not that i disagree with the health requirement, but the "no single parents" clause is rediculous!! I hate this type of thing.. it makes domestic adoption seem "unheard of" to pregnant girls who don't know their options.

Okay not to rant at ya'll, my fellow adoption-loving-triad-family, but DANG it. I just want to march down to that paper and smack someone! Do they KNOW anyone in adoption that is in a GOOD place? i am begining to think that those negative drama queens need to get out more. I as a birth mom was TURNED DOWN TWICE. I am not bitter. Life was not what we plan, it is all the works of someone meant to make a bigger picture work out. I knew the minute I read the badly- smeared, black and white thermal paper fax of the full color dear birthmom letter. I KNEW IT! and all that saddness from not having it "happen" before them WENT AWAY! I mean Dang! can I get a rope and a tape recorder and hog tie our fearless leader to the Oprah chair until all adoption myths are slayed! I mean she should really get out there and get to preachin to the unbelievers! BEGINING with the press!!! I am now smoothing all the ruffled feathers, and I am stepping off the box... NEXT!!!!

Sorry for the second post- but yet anoither wacko who forced his opinion on a pregnatn woman who refused his ideas.... Craziness

I am so amazed at how over the top some parents can be. From the kidnapping of a woman due to a preganacy or a wedding... this is nuts. I feel for this young woman to have been in such a hostile enviornment for her life, I am sure this is not the first over-the top thing in her life. I will keep her in my prayers and hope that the prison system will be swift and that this will be publicized enough that it discourages this type of craziness and maybe will be a wake up call to all parents. May this show those controlling pushy parents out there that your decisions are not always right, nor sane, and if you think forcing your children to undergo this is ok, maybe you are in need of help. To all the ladies who are expecting and considering adoption I would like to say this. Please know you are not alone, and that if your feel pressured or are being forced into a decision you are not okay with SAY SOMETHING!!! Call your dr, Abrazo, a trusted friend or family member. Do not be around those who are forcing you alone. Be sure to have someone else with you. It will allow you the reassurance to make a decision on your own. I also hope that God will deal with the hearts of all who impose upon others their own beliefs. May their misguided attempts to do whats best be thwarted. May all who believe a womans choice is not her own be reckoned with by all lawful means.

I would like to thank you MothersLove for being honest in saying you are considering this. It is wonderful to be honest with your self and to have the brains to do your research. I would like to encourage you to contact the staff. They have been there with so many that our personal opinions may cast a false light on your feelings, simply because it is painful and no two people feel the same. Please rely on your gut as well. You will know what you need, and even more what your baby will need, as we all say motherly instinct does kick in at some point. I wish you luck in your journey, and please keep a few thing in mind as you travel down this road. Abrazo will not force you into anything, your choice is what drives them. They are not here for the money, and they do not have personal agendas. That being said, I do not know about other agencies, and Abrazo may/may not be the place you end up. Please keep in mind what is legal, and what you feel. No one should pressure you either way. ONLY YOU know what you feel. I will also remind you it will be a long and bumpy road, even if you choose to parent this bundle of joy, no one said any of it is easy. Please also know we are here if you need to laugh, cry, sob, or just veg. Some have been on this road a long time, and some are just beginning their journey, but we all know it is a rocky road and I wish that God will place his hand on you and help you decide and persevere down this trail. It is a more traveled trail than you know. TONS of people have done this and tons have not. Please do not let the media scare you, they are not in this for the feel good stories, they want ratings and do not always show adoptees/adoptive parents/birthparents or parents in general in the most gracious ways. We all love children and that is why we are here.

okay, I admit it. I was in denial for a bit as well. I feel for any gal who is in that awful black hole of thought. I would like to say though, I understand it. I knew I would not have support. I knew it would be the end all be all of horrible decisions according to my mother, no matter which choice I made. I knew I had 3 options. Keep,place, or terminate. I knew I could not terminate as a faithful person. I knew the best thing would be to place, I knew the worst would be to keep him. At that point I didn't know he would be a he, but I knew that the child I carried would not be in my home as mine. I knew adoption was my coice, and that openness was where I would find the comfort I needed to make the hardest decision ever. My mother was not included in my choices, my decision making process or my joy in sharing this journey with one of the greatest couples I know. She was left in the dark, due to her attitude about the daughter I was already raising. My mother was not very kind as a person and was even less kind to me when it came to decisions she did not dictate. I knew this. I was not in "denial" near as long as I was in "dread" of the day she found out. For the rath, and hatefulness she would spew, at me, and possible others involved. I went right along throught the pregnancy, even telling friends and coworkers my plans as time grew near, along with the growing tummy. I had it all planned, and thought out. I knew the outcome would be joy for us all, and even though the heartbreak would come, I knew it would pass and be returned with joy in a child that I gave a better life. I went into labor, and all went well. My beautiful son was born an hour later, his loving parents arrived. We visited and cooed. Changed diapers and enoyed the new connection we had. My sons a-father had gone to car, and his a-mom and I visited as just girls. Then the door of the hospital room opened. My mother walked in. My new friend, my sons a-mom, gave a brief hello and excused herself. My mother then became someone I no longer respect. She tried to talk me out of it, then in the next sentence told my how stupid I was for having this child at all. Exactly what I feared would happen. She then exited, just has my sons new mother's purse began ringing. I quickly grabbed the purse and found the new parents in the waiting area, with my mother "telling them" about me. I walked in just in time to hear very hateful things. I heard things like "this is the worst decision she has ever made", "she is so irrational". Things a mother should never share with a stranger about her child. Things a couple would never want to hear about the person who has given them a child. These are what I was avoiding and in denial from. I was denying them the hatefulness, and myself additional pain. I was denying my mother the joy of bashing me to my face and behind my back. Unfortunately my denial was not enough. Unfortunately we were all victims of her unhappiness. But, in the long run, has my mother been able to expirience the joy, the love or the connections the remainder of us have, no, and she may never. This is what I was denying her. The knowledge of a child that would just cause a new rift between us. The denial of her continued negative and hateful attitude. It didn't help, but did it hurt anymore than it would had I not denied it? No, it would have just been more prolonged, and more difficult in months when as a pregnant girl I need less stress. this was the only denial I was in. Maybe I am bonkers, but I think more girls in an unplanned pregnancy are effected by by trying to "deny" the anger that will will come from parents or whoever is not "on the boat" with the plan. I would not do it over, I would get a better security at the hospital door. Maybe some muscle that will remove anyone who is trying to deter a decision that is well made. Whatever the decision maybe. Get a gal some muscle. A friend who can stand up and and say no you are being over bearing and pushy to those people who are not diplomatic and caring in their concern. I get that people want to make all the options avaiable and thought thru, but make it caring and gentle. Make this decision with all the knowledge you can. Make it with research, sole-search, heart-search and mind-search. Not with pushiness, hatefulness, anger or resentment. Not for everone else, but for the child. Whatever the decision is. But appoint a person to protect your heart. someone who is a voice of reason, and who has no motive or connection emotionally beyond 100% support. And take this person with you to any decision making moments. or along to tell your parents. make them involved as a second version of you. one who is removed and is solely ther for support and concern for your sanity and the welfare of your needs. In the long run this will make you more informed, more healthy, more sane and more secure that all things are covered. And also that that door will not open to find a un-caring person who is there to solely steal the joy. I pray all girls know that Abrazo is there for them. Abrazo Gals are there to help them. And by doing that they ensure the baby and ap's are well taken care of as well. May you all find that perfect decision. And remember, God never gives you more than you can handle. he will give you the tools to cope if you let him in. Lisa

I am bringing this back out, because I need help! My mom as many of you know is not nice about the whole thing. She believes I should have given her the choice in parenting. I would NEVER have done that and she's crazy for thinking I would have with all our issues. With that siad, she is now using my Daughter's courisosity to get pictures and info, J is 11 now and is asking losts of questions and smart loving big sis would ask. She even has some picutres, but my mom 'copied" them for her own. AMAZING! I have explained to my mom in more than 1 way that we can discuss her having contact but until she can be civil to ME she doesn't deserve any of those things. She doesn't ask me- she goes against everything I ask. She disrepects me but wants to run the show! AMAZING! I can't believe her. she refuses to deal with me, but she thinks she should have the right to tell anyone in MY family that she wants her version of the whole ordeal. Darn IT! It's not even her side of my extended family, its my dad side, and they've been divorced since 1980, and he agrees with me that that info is mine to tell when I AM READY . Good gosh almighty! SHE ticks me off. Any suggestions?

All our children are lucky! they have more people than ever to love, and hug them until they wanna wriggle away. I bet that these Abrazo Babes will always know it too! After all we are all on here and they can go back and see just what we mean about loving them like one big family!

Way to go Kristal! Amen! I would likt to add that this is why people think so horribly of birthmoms in general. It is a stigma we have been trying to overcome since the days where prenant unwed mom-to-be were ushered away to an unknown city "to birth" and then brought beck without their children, never knowing their name or in some cases if it was a boy or girl. I can only pray that you don't speak to anyone else, and if you have already that you go back and make it right! You are a sad sad shell of a human if you think that we dont have the right to the final say or that money should burden us more due to our decision to parent! Do you think I wanted help when I was preg? NO i didnt, but I needed help to get complete care, and to get the things I needed, like vitamins and things that made my son be a healthy baby. Which benefitted HIM not me, and as his AP's know now he was healthy and he is in their home, but they would have understood if he was in mine. After all, you may be infertile but you can never loose something you never had, can you? It's all a risk. Yours is a few dollars. Ours is our children's future, and with parents that have your attitude, I can only think that child is in a better place. Maybe you should speak with one of the GREAT gals at abrazo. You have a lot of issues and need counseling, they are trained for that. And they will not steer you wrong. OR How about this idea for you, we parent all the healthy babies or give them to parents willing to financially assist us, and you can have the unhealthy sick ones that didnt get care & what they needed because you thought you were to good to help their mom. How about years of financial tourmoil on you because you wouldn't help the helpless? Do you spit on the bell ringers this time of year too? After all they dont help you get clothes and food and a warm blanket, or even a gift under your tree! With your attitude you might as well take the toys from the tots. And no I am not sorry for my attitude. I am however very sorry you came to this forum with that attitude! You are only reaping what you've planted!

I may not be an adoptive parent, but I do have a suggesstion. Remeber when getting your family on board to remind them that the birthparents are not second class citizens for considering adoption, and neither are you for adopting. Relatives have a way of forgetting their manners when it comes to placements. They are unaware that they are using "a tone" and that the words do need a ton more finessing when people are stressing or emotional. So start keeping those you love in check and it won't get out-of-hand as easy. And by the way congratulate yourselves on making a comitment to yourselves, a child and a birth-family! It's a big thing and you should remember that you are special for even considering it!

thanks for that poem. I needed it!-- Hey Elizabeth! Maybe you should distribute that to the birthparents as well! HINT HINT!!! Love ya girl!

I may not be on point for this, but most of the birthmom's I know ARE involved either from the start or because their children have become adults and tracked them down. And until you get to the stage where the child is grown and able to fully comprehend you do have enormous guilt. even when it is a good situation and an open one with lots of communication, there is guilt on how it will negatively effect the child, and any other siblings involved. You do go through stages of unsure-ness and doubt during the "prior -to -placement" time, but the idea of open may vary all through an adoption-life. I know most people call it post placement, but your life is one of adoption even as the birthparent. You adopt out your heart and soul to strangers, and sometimes not knowing is easier. I am a rare gal, I have never been un-reachable or un- involved with my son or his parents. I feel more secure with more info, and as we all grow in this we get more involved. It's never easy for me to hang up or watch them get on that plane and fly away, but knowing that I can call next week helps.

Now that my dad and stepmom are involved with my son, they have all had an increase in joy! My son loves cowboys, and though my dad may not be an official ranch hand or such, he's pretty close in a little boy's eyes! My son couldn't contain his excitement to find out his new friend, my dad, wore boots and jeans and even owned a cowboy hat or two! This connection has been good for all of us and wouldn't trade it for the world! Granted my mom isn't involved, but that is because she isn't nice to any of us about the situation. But, the enjoyment of the extended family is a joy beyond compare!

This is something on both sides of the fence in the adoption triad. All ap's, bp's and the adopted children. I hope that we all remeber how difficult this is for everyone involved at the onset of adoption plans, and also for those children in the end. We have engaged in an effort for all our sakes that open adoption is the end to fears and doubts of our children, but we as the adults players in this life still get that part of it. May we all be more understanding of the "world" and their fears. May we all politely remind the 'un-educated" that they are not the deciding factors for us. And may we all know He will never lead us down a path if it isnt in His grand scheme of things.

Just to ease your mind a bit, we all have doubts and fears of the unknown. No matter how major of a decision we all get the what if's and I firmly belive that if it is meant to be God will ease those fears very soon. He may not clear you 100%, but after all we are human and satan does play a role in our lives. No matter how small a part satan does lead you down another road. That road is filled with heartache and trouble behind every door. So if you feel this strongly about adoption being in God's plan for your lives, then pursue it and if it is not, then maybe it is another turn on that road less traveled to finding your child. May God speed your heart into healing and contentment. May He gaurd you with all His might from the doubts and fears. This is not to say there won't be some bumps that are painful, but how else can we truley be greatful for His awesome powers and His gifts of joy? My prayers are with you and all other doubtful and worried "parents-in-waiting". And as a birthmom, you seem like your headed down the right track, with your compassion and heart, you will get there. So remember Elizabeth's voice and the "it's not if, but WHEN!" Lisa

Just as a suggestion, and as a birthmom, I know that we all have to remember that risk is a big thing for all involved. I know for me I was very aware that the ap's were all scared about risks. But from my expirience, I had to pick ap's 3 different times in one pregnancy, I didn't FEEL like they realized the amount of risk I was taking.

The explination above is a great one, and I hope it has answered questions. But my definition of open adoption is this: A child, who by circumstances that can only make them more unique, has become the object of many parents love. This child has mom & dad on a daily basis, and the extended family that any typical family would have beyond mom & dad. But, they have a unique and incredible bond with another family, their birth family. All of these family members both birth and adopted work hard to include and involve each other in their lives. Both for the benefit of the child and each other. The amazing thing is that the love and knowledge is a shared thing. All have access to and connections that are unbreakable! Welcome to the forum, and as always we will be happy to help in any way!

I am a child of an overloved- underloved family. My maternal grandparents were so involved in my oldersister- who was very sick the majority of her life with diabetes, open heart surgery and such- that my mom had to lay down the law. She required that my grandparents spend equal amounts of time and money on each of us. We visited separately in the summer and when we could other times, so that we could each bond and have our own special little things without feeling left out around the other. This helped to make us have a respect for the time we got but also for the little thing that our sister shared. We all got a special place in their hearts and in turn they got one in ours. My mom never did much to make me personally feel like I existed but when this happened I felt like she understood that I was getting a raw deal and knew it wasnt right. My Papa and I still ahve a bond that is unbelievable, and he passed many years ago. My other grandparents liked this idea so much that they asked if we could visit separatly with them. So for 4 weeks every summer we spent away from mom and got to be the center of attetion- and in the middle my grandparents would simply meet and switch grandkids. It was like musical kids almost. That also allowed us time with my dad's parents and they are the bee's knees when it comes to making everyone feel equally loved inan individual way. Maybe that type of arrangement would work for you. Good luck with those boys! They are handsome.

My Dad's first major sentence after finding out he had a grandson that was placed, this was after a few years of my not sharing my decision, was Do you know I love you? Do you know no matter what I will always love you? Do you know I love your son? Do you know I am glad you did the best for him? Do you know I want to have a relationship that you are okay with, and if that means never discussing it then ok? I said yes I do know those things and heres somepictures for you, and here's what our plans for a reunion are- Do you want to come? ... THis past November I was able to see my Dad's face as he met his grandson, the mirror image of him. That joy would not have been shared with someone who didn't make me feel 10000000% supported in every way. Support birthparents... they are about to/or have embarked on a life with heartache like no other... However with open adoption that usually leads to joy like no other, through years of communication and extended families.

I just popped in on the dr phil site and the show list for friday is Adoption Controversy- Maybe they are re-thinking what they are showing as the typical adoption story

I was so upset by what ya'll were saying that I went to Dr Phil's site and read it, I never get to watch. I was even further irritated by the story on the woman who is in need of a relationship with her son that she placed, that she stalks him! How dare he give this airtime! Is it what the typical b'mom does? NO!!! So I emailed the show and asked them to consult with an agency other than Gladney- I suggested Elizabeth/Abrazo, and that they also do double the airtime on positive adoption stories covering open adoption and such. Maybe if we all do that then Dr Phil will get the Idea that this whole story line is not okay with the adoption community.

I will say it once and then shut my mouth- As a birthmom,, the idea that adoptive parents would do that makes me wanna go smack them. And then on the other hand you have parents in waiting who tend to ask why they have to go through such rigamaroll to get approved to adopt. Thanks for all the agencies that check up on potential AP's and that require checking in with info regularly. And for the child- I dont think that there is anything short of removing the child from such a detrimental situation, that will fix this. The child deserves to fell like they are worthy of their own skin, much less life. And people wonder why children who feel detattched from family members due to emotional abuse are more likely to commit suicide. That little boy will be in my prayers and the parents, I pray will get mass amounts of therapy.

My ap's included their families in their journey. I have even talked briefly on the phone to one of the ag's (adoptive grandparents) one day. We had a very nice chat and at the end she even had the kindness to thank me for being involved with my son and his family after placement. She was such a sweet lady, hopefully I will make it to Charlotte sometime soon so that I can meet the extended family and they can meet my husband of 4 months. Prayers to all who are trying to navigate this very stressful time. I hope your families are that supportive. And as for the birthmoms, I hope you will take advantage of any time you get with the ap's and their family, not just to cement your decision, but also to reassure yourself that they are as great as your childs' ap's and how loved your child will be.

As a birthmom, I believe that there should never be another "closed"adoption story. Closed adoptions keep all the bad out, yes, that is the only way you can keep info secretive. But WHY ??? Why would you keep your traits and features from your own flesh and blood??? This is a way to have the "connection" that someday you will regret not having if you go closed. The child suffers without info. You suffer without info. I know it seems difficult, but believe it or not, one day you may decide you NEED that connection, not only to your child, but to their ap's as well. My son's ap's are the best when it comes to supporting me on a rough day and the first to jump for joy on a good day. I thank God every day for my "extended family"! and that extennded family includes the gals at abrazo, my son and his whole adoptive family! I love em all!