karen&scott

Let's keep the candles burning...

Tina, Give your Mom more time...she might surprise you one day...mine did. Sometimes our parents have to see open adoption working (over time)... before they can let go of those fears...it would be even better if she could meet Makenzie's Birthfamily one day. She might then see everything differently. Sometimes during conversation when I feel like I am having to explain too much...I just turn it around. I begin asking questions like, how would you see your life as a birthparent? Would you want to know the baby you placed is okay? Would you want to know your child's family? Would you want to know that as painful as it is, your doing your best to stay in touch? Would you want respect? Those questions usually turn things around. Let your Mom know that you do not fear Makenzie's Birthfamily, nervous (maybe) about seeing her Birthmom again, but not fearful. You should not have to defend who you are to your child or your family. Karen

I think people that want to become parents through adoption need to come with an unequivocal understanding that their child will have two sets of REAL parents, one by birth and one by adoption...and it's okay! Neither takes away from the other... Neither replaces the other... Neither is more important than the other... There is room for both... in our child's life. Karen

Hi Laural, Remember, adoptions are like snowflakes, no two are the same. Enjoy the beauty of both. Peace, Karen

Welcome Linda's Mom...we love Grandparents around here. Karen

Happy Birthday Gramma Sharron!

Hi Glenn, I am glad you were able to get further clarification (from Elizabeth)... we've all learned something new. Good Luck with all the possible (and exciting) transitions over the next year! Karen

Hi Glenn, I would definitely get a copy of the Texas homestudy requirements (before you begin)...because no matter where you reside, your homestudy must be Texas approved in order for placement to occur in Texas. At least that's the way I understand it. Karen

Welcome Cameon!!! I hope you find some answers to your questions. There is lots of information on this forum, so please help yourself to feel right at home. Karen

Dear SueBee and family, Congratulations on your match and looking forward to hearing more exciting news, very soon. Karen

The world is beautiful...thanks baby Brennan for making it forever true... for ALL of your family... who will ALWAYS love and adore you, together. Karen

Serenity's Birthmom has the most beautiful eyes! Her vision led her to the Paredes family, where she and her daughter will know beauty for the rest of their lives. Congratulations to all. Thanks to God for His plan. It's beautiful...as always! Karen

This quote appeared elsewhere on the Forum. Written by a proud mom-by-adoption, I found it brilliant in its simplicity and thought it might inspired others who've "been there, done that" to share their feelings about what their children's firstfamilies mean to them after adoption, so those who are new to those process and still feeling apprehensive about openness can better understand its sweetest gifts. Living open adoption, can I do it? Yes, you can (I hope). Although it can be a scary thought or feeling right now, before and after placement, because it's such a powerful connection to your child... and to deny that connection from yourself (as your child's birth parents or chosen parents) is to deny the beautiful reality of your child's adoption, which we all know is a lifelong commitment on everyone's part. Your child's adoption is sacred and so are you! Thanks for making adoption REAL, your loving decisions is what makes our families possible, we never ever forget that... even though unfortunately hard decisions come with heart pains (open or not). Together (maybe) we can ease the burden of each others' pain (at least we can try), allowing ourselves to cry when we feel sad, allowing ourselves to smile and laugh when we are joyful. There is a time for plenty of both. Together we are meeting the needs of our child (and ourselves), the precious one we both love so much. You do not have to carry the burden of your decision (to place) alone, you can turn around what is/was once a painful decision, to one that is filled with overflowing pride (in time), giving you a million reasons to keep in touch. Our child's birthparents are one of a kind, there is no one like them, nor is there anyone that can replace them, they are a part of our child. I love them for that! They continue to be a part of our child's life as little or as often as is possible for them, depending on how life is going. We understand. And I know in my heart they are doing their best, and that's good enough for us. Karen

I wanted to post a short version update. Amanda and I met with the Pastor on Saturday (of course it was bad timing, as only Mom could manage to do, because our appt interferred with a birthday party Amanda was attending, but I felt it important to keep the scheduled appt, showing Amanda how important it is, balancing that with letting her know she could return to the birthday party when we were done, which she promptly did). So Amanda was not in the best of moods, sat there with her arms folded, wanting to hurry up and get back to play time. I could feel the Pastor getting frustrated, even said to Amanda that she did not feel she was helping her, but I do feel that she helped tremendously. First of all, the Pastor was expecting us (that is always a great feeling), she had already watched the video herself from the perspective of learning/seeing the story of Jesus for the first time, showing Amanda her notes and comments. She admitted to Amanda that parts of the video frightened her too. Amanda bravely admitted that she did not expect to see what she saw that morning, so much abuse to Jesus, that is what disturbed her the most. The pastor wished Amanda had been better prepared too and was very sorry for that. They talked quite a bit. Because of our coming forward, the church is putting in extra safeguards in regards to watching videos in Sunday school. Here are a few... *notifying parents ahead of time, encouraging them to stay with their children on those days *preparing the children for what they are about to see (not assuming everyone already knows) *allowing extra time after the video for plenty of discussion I think all of these things would have made a difference for Amanda. So we are moving forward. On Sunday, Amanda was ready to go back to Sunday school, without us making her and without as many fears. This new day was a positive one (for her), adding another layer of spiritual comfort, one day at a time... Thanks be to God. Karen

Thank you Elizabeth. The above links are very helpful. Karen

Thank you so much Karen and Claudia, I needed to hear your kind words and suggestions today. We have an appt with our Pastor on Saturday. Karen

I feel like I have messed up real bad in regards to when I began introducing my children to the church and it's teachings. See, I had my own issues with the Church, and because of my own not-so-good feelings about church (from childhood), I was not able to see the bigger picture for my children until recently. How does a parent know if and when your pushing your child too much religiously? I have thought and thought about this because that is how I always felt (as a child). I think maybe (finally) I am recognizing the difference, it's not just about going to church and Sunday school, it's more about living Christian values everyday, living what you learn in Church, showing and talking with your children about how the church helps us grow spiritually. Just showing up in Church every week doesn't put it all together for our children, although it is a start. Our family is facing the consequences of delaying being active in the Church. Easter was not a good experience for my eldest daughter this year. Amanda saw the Jesus video at Sunday school the week before Easter and it frightened her. She came away with the wrong message, somehow thinking she will have to die for us to keep on living. To say the least, she was disturbed by the video. We have talked and talked about it. Easter morning she refused to go to church because she was scared. I feel terrible and mad at myself (because I could not recall when I learned the story of Jesus, it's like I just always knew it and I definitely do not remember feeling scared). I wanted that for her too, but it is too late. I am making an appointment (today) with our pastor, so that Amanda can talk about her fears. I would welcome any insight. Karen

Great thread Claudia! I am not the professional opinion you are looking for but I can say that I know how you feel. We, as parents, think we can be everything to our children, at least we hope we can, and when something or someone threatens those expectations, it tends to throw us into super protective mode. The last thing any of us would ever do is intentionally invoke emotional distress on our child/ren with post adoption decisions, like resuming fertility treatments, adopting another child, homegrown miracles, etc. All of life's decision affect each one of us on different levels, at different times. I pray that our actions, including parental decisions, will never be too tragic to our child's emotional well-being over the course of our lifetime together, isn't that every parents' prayer? Take care, Karen

Oh Karen, that is priceless!!!!!! (Please save it for the Abrazo kids video.) Karen

Glorious beginnings...Congratulations all. Karen

Hi Sharon, Thanks for your honesty and recognizing it's never too late... My daughter, Amanda, is 11 years old. In the beginning, when she was old enough to understand her adoption, she used to ask, "Why was I placed and not my brothers?" That question was hard to answer, age appropriately. I did the best I could with it. We have always had contact with her younger siblings and her birthmom. Amanda worries about her brothers, saving things for them for when we do see them. She feels the need to see them every so often to make sure they are okay, and we are more than happy to make that happen. In the last few years she has dropped the "Why" in her question and now she says "I was placed and my brother were not." She has come to her own realizations and no longer feels "left out" in fact it has turned around, she now feels her brothers may feel "left out". She connects with them by letting them know she never forgets about them, even though she does not live with them. It's a beautiful thing to witness! Karen

Hi Jada, Is it possible that Charlie has already told his Mom about the open contact he has established with Robin? Would Charlie find support and encouragement from his Mom? I hope so. This is exactly the type of real life stuff that alot of us, as parents, will be experiencing now and in the future. It's the decision that we make as parents, birth and adoptive, that have a huge affect on our children, they let us know it, because we have taught them to be honest. Your right about children having built in sensors about what is right and wrong (too bad they don't listen to their own sensors before they themselves make bad choices ). I bet it is healing for you to know that Robin and Charlie have a connection, one that you hope to share soon too. My youngest daughters' birthmom cannot bring herself to tell her almost adult children about the placement she has kept hidden, for fear of...lots of things. She carries that weight around all by herself, day after day, year after year, knowing in her heart that her big kids would adore Alexis. I pray for the day to come, soon, where she can free herself of all the secrecy and not fear backlash from the very children she could not bring a new baby home to, a big factor in her decision to place. I have not met her other children but I already love them. Jada, praying that everyone will open their hearts for your children. Karen

Wecome Jenny, Shawn and "Boo"! Follow your heart and your dream. You have found a good place, to begin again! Karen