karen&scott

Yes, and reducing it to it's purest sense does not change reality. There are folks way more worthy than I... to adopt another's baby, without regards to any of the above mentioned factors, cost of adoption, race of child, age of child, location of child (as in international adoptions) , openness of child's birthparents, risk of placement, disability of child, etc. Parents-in-waiting come to the process with needs, even though some may be deemed unjustified. We come with limitations, financial, emotional, and educational. We come with broken hearts, losing the dream of a biological child and wanting to embrace and love a child not biologically ours through adoption. This very human process, comes with all the associated imperfections that come from being less than perfect. Some of us have more imperfections than others, therefore our expectations/(demands) are skewed. Does that make "us" wrong? Birthparents, who are wanting openness, are also coming to the process with needs. They choose the family they feel is best for their baby, however imperfect that process may be. They have options (and rightfully so). Which explains the high demand for childless couples, because they are most sought by Abrazo's expectant (birth)parents. Does that make "them" wrong? I appreciate agencies, like Abrazo, that really make it their business to know all of their clients... to continue to broaden our education, on our behalf, therefore making our expectations more realistic, helping to support the best possible placement of baby/child, without passing up lost opportunities (for us and baby).... because we do/did not know ourselves well enough. I do not have the answers for how to overcome our own imperfections or the imperfections found in adoptions, in general. Is it okay to feel entitled to make our own best decisions, knowing any decision made at any point in time is limited by our understanding of ourselves? And with our decisions, should there be guilt in adopting or placing? Karen

I agee Sabrina! Which is why it does not matter how much or how little an adoption costs. Follow your heart and it will lead you to "whom" you seek. I can remember getting all worked up (inside) during orientation when the staff presented the financial expectations/risks part of adoption. Whew!!! I am an accountant, which didn't make the numbers any easier to digest (at that point). But I can honestly say that those were fleeting moments in the BIG picture...now ask me, what I wouldn't pay "on behalf" of the children I have been blessed with! There is no answer. Hopefully, every parent feels the same way. Karen

Hi Kay, Basically it's no one's business! But dare I be so rude to well-meaning (rude) people that ask. I usually just say that the costs are similar to what is paid for most babies to be born, of course there are medical fees and other perfectly legitimate fees that can (and should) be paid on behalf of the child you hope to adopt. I really think most people ask because they are curious to know if there is ever money exchanged between parents for the "gift" of placement? They really do not know that that is illegal. This is sometimes when I choose to educate about the merits of using an adoption agency, wanting ourselves and the birthparents of our child to have access to and obtain all the services we were/are eligible for. As far as talking with your child about their adoption costs, personally I do not go into detail about any of our financial matters with our children, so this would be no exception. However, when my children become adults and were to ask me specifically, I would have no problem discussing it. Karen

Very well said. Actually, I agree with your entire post Darren (and Kay). Both of our adoptions were done through Abrazo and each placement had different/unique "total" adoption costs, which does not mean one child is more or less valuable than the other. There is no correlation between the cost of an adoption and "the worth or value" of your child. Karen

Yeah for Jeremy and Jessica! March is right around the corner... and only God knows "who" will be around the next corner? I agree that posts from Stork Central and/or ElizabethAnn like this, are very exciting!!!! We love to follow the journeys that begin at orientation. Karen

Hurrah for the newest Abrazo family...congratulations on becoming parents. Karen

Oh Andrea, that is great news...keep the good food going to Momma. I just want to brag about Amanda today... she brought home a progress report with all A's and B's!!!! She has always struggled in school, however I am starting to see herself become more confident in her abilities! Go Big Girl!!!! Karen

Yeah Gramma Sharon... I like your new blog. Karen

I think you said it best..."continuity" is the key! It's easy to become complacent while your children are little and therefore do not understand what you are saying to them, however it's great practice time for Mom and Dad. And your child will have always heard about their adoption from day 1. Julie, I have read lots of books, I cannot say that one stood out over the other (for me). My advice is to read everything. And knowledge is gained from so many different sources, one of the best is this forum. Even those that did not know about open adoption before, can start slowly with your child. A framed picture shows your child the importance of their birthparents and that you are open enough to not only share it with your child but want to proudly display the photo(s) in your home. It might help to create more moments with your child where you can talk about their adoption. Heather, even if openness is not possible right now, you can begin the groundwork in hopes of future contact. So if and when your child is able to establish some contact, it will be as positive and comfortable as possible, due to your efforts on behalf of Katelyn. And as great as "openness" is for our child, nothing takes away their painful awareness that they were once adopted. Your child will grieve this over and over, many times. However, they will not have to do it alone, they have a family who is open enough to feel it with them, who will go the extra mile to maintain contact or at least open doors for them, who realize that this knowledge of their beginnings and acknowledgement of their first family...makes possibly for a softer landing... when your child feels like nobody understands. Karen

Thank you John. You succinctly put into words how and why many of us feel so passionately about open adoption. Karen

Congratulations Jean! It's always great to be working toward something and even greater when we achieve it. I hope the certificate is proudly displayed, where everyone can see how dedicated you are. Karen

Andrea, I will try to gather my thoughts enough to respond. The biggest questions in all of our lives, how many children? and when is our family complete? I think this answer can change over time. After our first adoption, I could not see past Amanda. She was everything. We felt so blessed, we had the baby of our dreams, after a relatively easy short match, emotional but uncomplicated placement, who could ask for more? As the years went by, we knew that another child was definitely in our future. But who? and why? How could I worry about all the what if's? Because I could think of lots of reasons/excuses to not go forward. Fear being the biggest one. In my heart, I knew there was another Birthmom out there who needed us as much as we needed her. And that is how our next baby would come to us. And so there are 5 years and one month between our girls. That is how it was mean't to be... and not something I could visibly grasp when we were in waiting. The fear of adopting a second (or third) time is very real...because you know going into it, it will not be the same as your first adoption. The unknown can be overwhelming and scary. On the other hand, you have already journied to find your first, successfully and you know basically how adoption works, so maybe you are more at ease. Feeling entitled? maybe it's more about having (and recognizing) the blessing of an open heart....knowing adoption is never about one person's needs being met but moreso everyone's needs being met. Karen

How wonderful for "Eddie's" relatives to see his life continue on... through McKenna. I hope you hear from them and are able to stay in touch. What a blessing you are to each other and to McKenna! Karen

I pray for your connection soon. And I am so glad you continue to post and remind us all of the importance of maintaining open lines of communications with our children concerning their adoption and their birthfamilies. Sometimes we do get busy and before we know it, so much time has passed. Jada, even though, you are not able to change the situation with your child's family at the moment, I know you are helping many other families see the other side of their actions and inactions, promises kept and promises broken. Thank you. Karen

I am sorry you are so bitter, please understand that it is not your children's fault. Children rarely want to rock the boat at home, so it makes sense that they would not ask alot (or any) questions of their parents concerning their adoption if it has never been brought up by their parents in the past or present...leaving children thinking it is not something to be talked about. Which is sad in itself. But one day these children will be grown up! Their information (along with all the things you have written and saved for them) will be there for them one day, thankfully. Karen

What your child's parents could really be saying is "we haven't gotten around to talking with our child about their adoption and their birthfamily, yet". It can always wait another day, another year, besides they are not asking us questions yet, right? Wrong! However Jada, the "never lose touch" letter can be sent back to Abrazo especially for the child you placed... to be saved in their/your permanent adoption file, to which your child will have full access to when he/she reaches legal age. Or until your child's parents call and request correspondence from you that they are willing to share with their/your child. He and she will then know that you were there all along, never adandoning them, always leaving the door open. I also think a handwritten letter is so special to anyone who receives one. Also a photo of yourself (and family) doing what you enjoy or at work, thereby showing your child a glimpse of your life each year or more often if you choose. The "never lose touch" letter lets you communicate with your child even when "they are not ready yet". Karen

No matter what risk the adopter feels they are taking with open adoption, birthparents are always taking the bigger risk...in adoption! (as I see it.) Birthparents must accept a social worker's report (homestudy) that this family will be good parents. Birthparents must accept adopting parents placement promises will be fulfilled. Birthparents must accept an agency's credentials that they are doing everything for all the right reasons, your child. Birthparents must accept looking at a profile and trusting that the people are, who they say they are. Birthparents must place in faith! No matter what. Why not give the birthparents of your child some REAL faith to hold onto! Be Honest and Be Open! Birthparents have the same parental protections concerning their child, wanting "to protect" them is their duty too. Karen

Welcome Jallwein...it sounds like it's no accident that you stumbled across Abrazo. Your open heart and willingness to learn more is what makes open adoptions so successful (and sometimes quicker). Best of luck on your journey and hoping you'll share more as you become more comfortable here, meeting many wonderful families that are made possible through adoption (and Abrazo), who stay connected across the states through this forum. Karen

Heidi, Don't you just love everyday...witnessing (and knowing) that one baby boy from California and one baby boy from Texas were mean't to be brothers... and your sons? Take care, Karen

Please say that Abrazo has never had this happen, in the delivery room???? I do not even know how to respond to this actually happening, for parents and the newly born. Do you think that maybe parents-in-waiting consider gender preference (as a right) right along with medical risks/conditions that they are willing to accept, thinking they have the power to choose?...when the two are very different. The inherent risk in matching and adopting a newborn is... gender may not be known until birth (how exciting is that?) and medical needs may or may not be known, or become known until much later in the baby's life. There are no guarantees when you are talking about human life. Pre-existing medical conditions (in-utero and at birth) are certainly understandable for adopting parents to consider (ahead of time) in trying to determine if they can truly provide what baby needs most... according to his/her medical assessments and whether or not you, as parents, are the best fit to provide for baby. Gender has nothing to do with being the best parent you can be to your baby. Does it? Karen

Holding onto Hope for this little one. Karen

Hi Melissa, You are so sweet to offer support to your friend. I hope she is getting the necessary counseling from her current agency after having been through a failed match? or placement? (not sure which, as they are very different emotionally) The most powerful statement/question, for me, when I was learning about open adoption and had so many irrational fears was: If you can put yourself in Birthparent's shoes, would you want to know where your child is? how your child is? and that all is good because of your placement decision? These were so easy for me to answer, of course I would, in fact I would not have it any other way. Seeing the other side helped me to understand the bigger picture so much better. Best of luck to your friend. Maybe she would like to join us here on the forum, please let her know she is welcome. Karen

Yea for Heidi! and your forum friend! who helped you to and from, laughing all the way! Karen

Welcome Amma Pine!!!!! See how easy it is...You are already a beloved grand(parent) forum member. Make yourself at home, posting anywhere, anytime! And bragging about your precious grandchildren is a MUST. Karen p.s. Thanks Brenda!

Susan, you have good news here too!!!! Congratulations on your decision to make Tasia a big sister (or little sister), soon! Karen