breadandwater

elizabeth, you are so positive......................no matter who you are speaking too......and your words.........do you have a theasaraus by your desk.. .? but being with you in group and in orientation and some "serious matters" . you should be on opera.............you definitley bring the best to both sides of the table. and >>>>>>>...here comes the greedy side....lol.......my children will be able to shout at the roof tops without their friends saying "your mom...."....and they'll be able to say yeah "that's my brother..." obviously you have the PASSION,the knowledge, the experience, and the LOOKS to make opera listen...........and shes like "e.f.hutton"....... ok i just dated myself ther.............. i think if we all email her like in one 24 hour period from our ............what am i talking about.....does anyonr know a way?

that last sentence was a lot harsher than i meant...............but ....yeah....there are days....... that no matter how o.k., happy, satisfied with your decision.................that you really won't be you again till God says to your face, "You're OK" sorry if i offended anyone

OMG......................U ARE NOT ALONE...................im at peace with my decision even though there are times im not at peace with the b/f.............we are progressing and achieving things....... YES, if we had the boys, well we wouldnt be able to. so yes, i'm reflectful, GUILTY, HURT, and all those other bad things but ....YES.... im proud and happy b/c my children and his others can at least enjoy these accomadations and living styles. it doesnt matter if im a hobo on the street tommorrow or a millionaire i will pray for a time machine and for God to make my life different back then..............no matter how much i love my AP'S.......... if i could change time, i would have my boys............. but changing times, means changing people, and changing souls.......... good hearts are hard to find, easy to mend till you go through adoption.....................then you need a specialist, ............who'll you'll only meet in heaven.

thanks for all the kinds words............usually, it doesnt bother me so. but ive said it before....through this process (i believe its true on both sides) you learn there is a big difference between acceptance and support. i guess just a couple days in a row i had a lot of contact with some that tried to be supportive, but tried to act accepting, the truth is. i'd rather you just spit it out and say it which way you lean. so i know where to lean when i need it. instead of leaning and almost falling over and walking away and feeling "stupid" as if i should of known better. anyway....thanks for the kind words they do help. breadandwater

hours later..........i ponder what i wrote, but you know it did help.........after i got off i made some phone calls i had been avoiding and some i had just been putting off. i know some of us birthmoms just dont want to show the negative side we "want" to be happy, and make our lives better. but this, this is our safe haven, those who read will understand, also some need to understand. so please join me in using this as your sounding board. i may not have traveled all the paths you've been down, but there is one we have in common. and that particular one no one can pretend to understand but those that have been down it. breadandwater

By working with Abrazo you have chosen, what i consider the best agency. speaking as a birth mom, they have really taken care of me in ways, well i dont even think they know they have. they really do care about both birth parents and adoptive parents. they also pray and want the most ultimate, loving, repectful relationship for both sides. as a birth mom im glad i did not go with another agency, and become one of the cattle to be processed through. ive seen many birth moms from months, even yrs, come back to group. they really care. they care about both sides, and in the "situation" that is the utmost importance. you are in good hands, let them guide you and your heart will burst. there is no other explanation. breadandwater

u know the amazing thing during this process, is that no matter how loving and supportive you have been to your friends and family......even non-judgmental (is that a word) .....the people that are gonna hang tuff with you are not the ones you hung tuff for. its very sad, at first i thought it was just me and i was being insecure about how people felt vs. what they told me they felt about it. PEOPLE ARE SO SELFISH IN REALITY. it boggles my mind to think the people that i can lean on and are happy about me starting over and on the path to achieving my dreams, are people who nothing invested in my life before 6 months ago, AND THE PEOPLE WHO SHOULD OF BEEN THE MOST AFFECTED BY ME PLACING. the people handling the best are the birth father, and my other 2 children. it sickens me to think that my 11 and 9 year old, are more loving and accepting of the whole thinga than the adfults in my life. and as time goes on and little feelings are let out...i find myself distancing myself from them and not caring about it. that frightens me because many times in the past i have been the glue that held many relationships together. but i just feel in their eyes they dont see what they are doing, i really think that they dont think i see their "shame, disappointment, pain" and knowing me, they know im not going to confront them with others around. i feel it is of a great loss. eventually, they lose more than the 2 boys, they will have lost me, and my 11, and 9 year old.......and they will not understand. i just dont see how people can look in the mirror, everyday, and not see what they do. they all dont want to blame me.....so they look to the birthfather. yes, he had a lot to do with the choice, but really it takes 2 to make a relationship bad. but when it comes right down to it........through the pregnancy he was there more than they were. and after the placement, he has been the one to give me a shoulder, been my punching bag (literallly, and hes a small guy, poor dude), and.....the one to be happy with me. has anyone else encountered anything like this, or is my circle of family and friends just certifiable. breadandwater

dear elaine, remember you put your future in God's hands when you married, and through your path in life you have endured more emotional pain than this. Mickey and you were blessed with Makayla. She was an Angel sent from him to you for her wings to grow. Long as they treat her right now it was in the plan. I know, we are suppossed to forgive and forget. But life today isn't built like that. Take the experience and remember it, because that cut you much deeper than anyone else can. Let God and your blessing heal the wound. Also remember, they come from a time when you didn't know anything on either side of the coin with the adoption. It was not talked about or thought it about--- just shoved in the bottom of the "rag" box only to be used if necessary. Sensationalism has a lot to do with it too, you never hear on the news the beautiful stories only the ugly ones. Put your anger and resentment in God's hands. And when your around them and you feeel that just look at that lil' Angel of yours and hug her and kiss her. You never know maybe God's plan was Makayla was going to bring ya'll closer, and possibly even greater things for Mickey's family. God Bless, hope I helped. Tanya