linlacor

I decided to move my response to "Birthparents" "Persona Grata" "Help, trying to contact my APs" because this got way off the original subject and I thought it would be better to have this there for future reference. -Lisa

That's funny you mention that you don't want them to adopt anymore...when I placed my birth-daughter, although I didn't have a say in whether the couple had adopted already or not or were wanting more than 1, etc - in my heart, I wanted my birth-daughter to be their 1st (I don't know why) and then when I found out she was, that just made my day - I found out about 5 yrs later that they adopted a little boy when she was about 4 yrs old and it pained me to think that she would have to share her parent's attention - then, about 3 - 4 yrs later, I rec'd an update on her. Her mother had written it and it said that her brother was at times her best friend and at other times her worst enemy but mostly, they were very close. That made me feel really good about her having a sibling to grow up with....knowing that they had each other. I don't think it's selfish though to wish for Fiona to remain an only child - of course you want her to have their undivided attention, etc. Time will tell though - if she ends up being an only child, it sounds like that's something you're okay with. But...I bet...like me, if you find out that they decide to add another member to their family, you'll see the advantages of that too and you'll see the positives (because you're just that way - you always see the glass half full rather than half empty). It is so interesting though how all of us are different (all of us birthmothers). If there's one thing I think everyone can see on this forum with all of us birthmothers posting on here is that while we all share the love of our birth-child(ren) in common - we are all individuals and feel and want different things. This is sort of off the subject but in reading the posts from a couple of the birthmothers on how much they appreciated their child's birthfather's involvement, support, etc - it reminded me that we are all different. My birth-daughter's birth-father (lots of births in that sentence) was not only very un-involved but also denied she was his, etc (but he did sign the relinquishment thank goodness! ). I remember being relieved that he wasn't involved. For me, it would have made it harder to place her if I would have had him standing by side through the entire thing - the distance he kept between us actually helped me feel better about what I was doing and although I wouldn't describe my placement as "easy", his attitude toward me and her did make it easier to go through with my decision. Okay, that's totally not on this subject but it just seems like more and more there are postings on this forum from birthmothers and each one has a different thought or feeling about their experience and their wishes, etc. I think it's easy to sometimes fall into thinking that birthmothers (&/or birthfathers) are all the same but this shows we're not and it's so good to see so many different perspectives from all of us. -Lisa

I agree with Jean - I'm speechless. I just can't even imagine life without Kayleigh - she is such a piece of both Lance & I - if we were without her, it would feel like a part of us has died - my thoughts and prayers are certainly with everyone involved in this and especially with this baby boy. Along these lines - there is a very special birthmother I have become friends with who recently gave birth (very recently) and placed her daughter for adoption (not through Abrazo though...just in case any of you APs are wondering who I'm talking to...). I spoke with her last night and although she's trying so hard to be strong for the adoptive parents' sake (she doesn't want them to see her cry because she said it will make them cry) - I want her to know it's okay to let your feelings be known - this is a very, very difficult thing to do and it's not something that feels "natural" and indeed shouldn't feel that way - If you're reading this, I am so sorry for your loss - I really wish there was something I could do to take those feelings away and make you happy. I know you will be okay - you're such a strong person and you have such a strong will - you know you are so special to us and you know how much you mean to the people whose lives you've touched. We birthmothers have to stick together - I wish you the best and I hope everyone will keep you in their thoughts and prayers - you need all the support you can get, know that we wish you the best that life has to offer. Love, Lisa

Hi Maria, Just wanted to let you know the best way to get information on Abrazo is to contact them at 210-342-5683. Abrazo also has an online information request form - it's called an Adopting Parent Inquiry Form - that was the 1st thing I did when we began working with Abrazo (we adopted our baby girl Kayleigh last December - she was born 12/5/02...we live in Seattle, WA but she was born in Texas). If you go to Abrazo's home page (www.abrazo.org) there is a button on the left of your screen that says, "Adopting Parents" and there's quite a bit of info there for those who are just starting out. That's also where you'll find the Adopting Parent Inquiry form. Best wishes - Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh

FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Kayleigh, Lance, & I wanted to say CONGRATULATIONS to all these new parents (well, sort of new....I guess you're still new even when it's #2). We are so happy to hear this news and can't wait to hear from y'all when you've settled in with your little precious ones. You're all so blessed - our thoughts and prayers are certainly with these birthparents right now as this must be one of the most difficult experiences they'll ever face - hugs and hugs and hugs to them - they need our hugs and prayers. Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh Cornish

Familylove brought up such a great point on this topic - one that I'd been meaning to add as a response - I wholeheartedly agree with everyone's advice on this...educate yourself on open adoption & adoption in general, communicate with your spouse and your family members, get started on your homestudy, etc...but I think one of the BEST things you can do when you start this process...is to allow yourself to believe and accept that you will be a mom & a dad - you are on your way to a successful, happy ending and you will have a child to love and nurture and do whatever you want to do to begin preparing for that day because it will happen. It's a fantabulous feeling once you really know in your heart that "this is it" - no more maybes like when you go down the infertility path - this will result in a child for you and your spouse. Start shopping - go buy the book, Baby Bargains to get an idea of what you need and how much things will cost so you can start planning your budget, go to baby stores - enjoy your experience of preparing for your baby - allow yourself this - it's wonderful and it's a time in your life that will disappear before you know it (the waiting part) so make the most of it by thinking of your baby and imagining what life will be like once you have that baby in your arms. If you go out and buy a crib - get it all set up and look into it and just try to feel what it will be like once you're looking down at your precious little angel. I used to sit in the glider in Kayleigh's nursery before Kayleigh had joined our lives and just imagine what it would feel like when I sat in the glider and rocked my baby for real - and you know what? It's even better than I imagined. I'm so glad I allowed myself to enjoy the waiting and to believe that we would be parents....don't worry about jinxing anything - it WILL happen - nothing will or can change that! Believe it!! -Lisa

Hi familylove!!! It's wonderful to hear from you again - and it's wonderful to hear your great news - you will soon see why we all say this, adoption is just such a wonderful, enriching life experience and it's absolutely amazing the love you will feel for your child - my husband & I are now convinced after meeting our precious Kayleigh that we could never in a bajillion years conceive a child as perfect and wonderful and loved as Kayleigh - she is just amazing - we are so certain that her adoption was exactly how we were meant to have our child join our lives and we are so glad we listened. Well, anyway - I sure hope to meet you soon too! (I'll actually be at the April Orientation to share our adoption story.....I'm so excited, I would just love to meet you there...) Best wishes and welcome, welcome, welcome!!!! Lisa

Oh my goodness - I am so deeply sorry for Marilyn and her family's and her son's birthfamily's loss - we will certainly say some special prayers for all of them and the new extra special angel that has joined all the others in heaven. Right now, I'm sure the only comfort they are finding is in their faith and their loved ones, family & friends - I hope they know they have an entire group of loved ones on this forum who offer them whatever comfort we can as they try to take each day at a time. May God bless them - (as a side note, I haven't heard from my friend about her father in about a week or so, but I did hear from a mutual friend of ours who dropped off a meal to them the other evening that he was up walking around (which must mean he's already been released from the hospital) and looked great - she was amazed at his recovery. That just goes to show the power of prayer...thanks everyone and thanks Stork Central for your warm thoughts & wishes). -Lisa

Hi Kim, You think that made your day.....wait until you get "the call" - then that doesn't even compare with the day you meet your baby - oh my gosh - it's just the best feeling in the entire world times a zillion - you'll be on cloud nine for the rest of your life! I wish you all the best - Lisa

Hi all, Well, this isn't adoption related but maybe in a way it is...one of my very good friends (she is one of the friends I asked to write a letter of recommendation for my homestudy & to Abrazo - hence the adoption connection) has a great need right now for some good ole fashioned prayer sayin' from as many people as possible. Her father received a lung transplant on Sunday - he is doing well, a couple minor complications but God is obviously watching over him and I just keep thinking of them, thinking of him, thinking of my friend and her mom and how scared they must be right now - I can't even imagine - he even has his first & only grand-son (who turned 1 yr old at the end of 2002) rooting for his recovery - he lived with my friend, her husband, & their son for a few months so that he would be closer to the hospital in case that "call" came. Thank heavens it did but now, I would just like to ask everyone to please join me in wishing their family a wonderful, happy ending - and lots & lots of prayers for this special family - they are very kind, genuine people, but I'm sure He already knows that. Thanks, Lisa (there's just nothing like the power of prayer)

While we're not againers, we do/did have a diagnosis of male factor infertility so I wanted to respond with how we've "dealt" with it. I guess I'm very fortunate because infertility really was never an issue for us emotionally, etc other than it was the one thing that was preventing us from achieving what we wanted sooooo much - to be parents. Other than that, we didn't suffer too much from it, other than the awful effects of going through IVF (in-vitro) (we skipped everything else and were advised that IVF was our only hope of conceiving). But that's a different dialogue and I think the topic you're really getting at here is more related to how as a couple we supported one another through the diagnosis, etc when it's male factor. I also feel very fortunate in that my spouse never felt what I think many other men do who are diagnosed with male factor. To him, it was just a diagnosis and he didn't feel that it was "his fault" that we couldn't conceive or responsible for our infertility issue. Thank heavens for that because I'm already the type of person who has major guilt complexes and if I would have felt that he felt responsible or inadequate or whatever else he could have felt, I would have felt so much need to try to compensate for whatever emotions he would have been dealing with which likely would have put more focus on the male factor infertility issue than we needed there to be (for us, the issue we discussed a lot was that we wanted to be parents, we didn't focus much on the reasons why we weren't - we did talk about it...a little but it just wasn't something we as a couple felt we needed to discuss much because there wasn't anything we could do about it - however, we could resolve our non-parent status and that's what we chose to focus on). The other thing I think that may have had an impact on him not feeling so much as though he was preventing us from conceiving may have had to do with something I read that we discussed a few times. It said something like, lots of couples have male factor infertility but never know it - it may take them a few months, etc to conceive and it's due to male factor infertility. The reason they never know it is because the female is very fertile which sort of masks an issue that would otherwise be very obvious to another couple with male factor where the female is sorta sub-fertile. So, I guess I always felt that there was something going on with me too but diagnosing female factor infertility can be darn near impossible unless it's one of the obvious things (like endometreosis, poly-cystic ovarian syndrome, blocked fallopian tubes, etc). There can be so many little things about a female that can reduce their fertility that modern technology just can't diagnose/treat yet - in my opinion, it's those things that people who get that awful diagnosis of "unexplained infertility" must have. However, it goes both ways - in those cases, when the male is very fertile and the female is sub-fertile (I'm sure there's a better term so sorry if this sounds offensive to anyone...just trying to get this typed and not spending much time choosing politically correct terms), it may take longer than usual but they do eventually end up conceiving and the couple never even knew they had infertility issues. Does that make sense? I guess what I'm trying to say is Lance & I totally felt it was both of us who were suffering from infertility issues - it just so happens his was "diagnosable" and mine wasn't. But by all accounts - I should have become pregnant, especially with our last IVF attempt - one of the embryos was absolutely perfect - the other 2 were graded very good so between the three of them, we for sure should have become pregnant - but we didn't so I have to think that maybe something is up with my lining or whatever that keeps those little guys/gals from sticking around. Finally, the other thing that must have really helped us as a couple deal with it is that Lance & I are both very, very strong believers in the "there's a reason for everything", "what's meant to be will be", etc thinking. We knew that we wanted to be parents but for whatever reason (which we now know), it just didn't work for us the way it does for other people. We just believed that if it was meant to be, it would happen. I mean, we believe that you can move in a direction toward what you want (i.e. making the call to the adoption agency rather than waiting endless years trying to get pregnant) but in the end, you have no control over what will happen in your life - there's a bigger plan and you just have to go with it and have faith that it's what's meant to be, try not to question why. Just a few nights ago, Lance & I were watching Kayleigh sleep and I said, "can you believe how hard we tried to make one of these? all those shots, all those doctor appointments, all that money? can you believe this is what we were trying to do (she just looked so real and alive and angelic) - can you believe she is what we were trying to create by retrieving my eggs and taking your sperm and letting it grow in a petri dish then returning it to me? It seemed so impossible at the time and look, here is our baby" Then Lance said, "I know - it's amazing - I'm so glad that none of that stuff worked, I can't imagine having any baby other than her - I'm so glad we have her". That may not sound pc (guess you just had to be there) but I think Lance & I just know that whatever it was that prevented us from conceiving wasn't a road-block or whatever, it's what had to happen in order for us to find our way to Kayleigh - if we hadn't had the male factor issue, perhaps we would have conceived and then, we wouldn't have her - I'd never know her and we both feel so blessed to know her and to be her parents. We both agree that there's no way we together could have created such a precious, perfect human being. Sorry for the long post - also sorry if some of it doesn't make a lot of sense - maybe my message still gets through though. Excellent topic Katharine - I hope others respond because you're right - each of us on this forum dealt with some form of infertility and each of us I'm sure had our own ways of dealing with it so what a wonderful idea to share our experiences and hopefully it will bring to some a different perspective on it and help in some way. -Lisa

Hi Lisa, Thanks so much for responding - I'll share this with my friend. I sent her several books a few days ago on open adoption (the ones recommended by Abrazo) and hopefully that will also address some of her fears, etc and if nothing else, answer some of the questions she may have. In speaking with her yesterday, I think she's coming closer to a decision on the level of openness she's comfortable with which isn't as much as I'd hope she'd be but it's a personal decision and one I don't feel as though I can intrude upon or try to persuade her another way, I do feel comfortable providing her with resources and educational materials (hence my original post) - we are very good friends and I wouldn't want to risk losing any of that because we disagree on how adoptions should be. I do find that I have a hard time relating to her fears and her ideas on how/why adoptions should/shouldn't be fully open - I just listen though and try to explain things if I hear something that I think I can help her with. She's having a hard time understanding what open means - how many visits, etc. In my mind, an open adoption is what you & your birthparents agree it to be with the adoptive parents always being "open" to have more openness (I think it's always better to have APs who are willing and able to have much more contact/openness than a BP is because a BP can always change their mind and that's okay and in my opinion, the APs should always be available and accepting of them doing that). It's also full disclosure of names and addresses, etc and most of all - the commitment to work at the relationship forever. I guess the way I see it is you don't have to be best friends with your child's birthparent (although it's not out of the question to be that close by any means) but you do need to realize that this is your child's birthparent and they have a signifcant role in your child's life (duh, they gave them life ) and need to be recognized as such and that means getting to know this person, making sure they can get to know their birth-child and vice-versa, etc. Basically, treating the relationship with respect and integrity as you would want to be treated. I agree with you, I think the more upfront you are with the BPs (and vice-versa) about your ideas/thoughts on adoption relationships - the better. Even if it's a "get-to-know-you" kind of meeting and neither of you have any clue as to whether you'll match - I still think it's better to just lay all the cards on the table and if either of you are turned off by the meeting or something one another said, then it's not meant to be - but if you're still willing to get to know each other further after all that, great! Maybe it will work out..... But that's me, I'm always like, "Here I am, take it or leave it" (poor Lance got my whole life history on our 1st date I think and if we didn't have time on that one, he for sure knew everything by my 2nd date - even read him my depressing poems I wrote back in High School during my "dark/depressing" days - and it didn't scare him off and now - we're so close, I think honesty is always best policy). Boy, talk about rambling..... Thank you again for your post - especially how you're handling your daughter's absent father. That sounds like a very mature, very caring way of handling it. -Lisa

I've been waiting & waiting & waiting allllll day for this post! (A little bird called me a few nights ago to let me know about this very special "possibility" and asked that Lance & I keep her, her husband, the birthfamily, & this precious little one in our prayers and I've been praying so much and thinking so positive for them, well - I'm so happy I could just burst! ) Congratulations, congratulations, congratulations to you both - soooo deserving of this miracle - I know just how special this little guy is to you both because I've been so fortunate to have developed such a great friendship with you albeit a remote one but that doesn't matter - you're very special people...I know it, Abrazo knows it, your birthmother knows it, & of course - The One & Only knows it for it is because of Him that your lives have been blessed as all of ours who have taken placement have and how all of you parents-in-waiting will soon experience. Lance & I are truly, truly sooooooo happy for the three of you and I am thinking very special thoughts (as I have been since our phone call) for your son's birthmother - what a very special and dear person she is - I wish for her a very fullfilled life and peace with her decision - She has a wonderful set of Adoptive Parents to have a relationship with - there aren't two people in this entire world who will be better parents to her birth-son. We'll be saying extra prayers for her tonight because this is likely one of the most difficult and heart-breaking days she will ever endure. Our love & congratulations & best wishes! Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh Cornish

Okay all y'all dedicated forum folks out there - I need some help. I have a friend (oh friend, please don't get mad at me for posting this on the forum...please please please... - I just thought we could get some good feedback from all these wonderful "been-there-done-that, bought the t-shirt" folks who have experienced just about everything when it comes to adoption - they're such a great resource and I hope they come through with some advice or even offers of communicating with you directly via e-mail, etc) So, my friend adopted their child through an agency that has a different philosophy on "openness" than Abrazo - this friend's adoption is a semi-open and as it turned out, she hasn't had any contact with the birthmother since the placement day (due to some really unusual circumstances that would really jeaporadize the birthmother's safety should she attempt to make contact again (because she'd have to contact the agency that she placed through which would cause permanent problems for her) so, you could say...this adoption is now closed and it's highly unlikely that the birthmother will re-enter their lives until the child is 18 and they can make contact without involving the agency. My friend is ready to begin the adoption process again but prefers to do a private adoption rather than an agency adoption (at least wants to try it this way initially but isn't opposed to doing another agency adoption. She isn't totally comfortable with an open adoption and although isn't ruling out an open adoption, she isn't fully decided on whether that's the route they'll go - but I'm sending her some books tomorrow and she's very open to learning more about open adoption and what it means, etc and generally wants to understand it better before she makes a decision as to how to proceed with adoption #2 (and #3 & #4 if that happens - they want a huge family). We've been discussing open adoption but sadly - all I know about it is what I've read - I can not say I'm an open adoption expert of even someone who's experienced an open adoption (not yet anyway - I still have hope that our Kayleigh's birthmother will change her mind and want contact). Here are her concerns: 1) First & foremost - how will an open adoption affect her child who does not and likely will not have contact with his birthmother? If they do an open adoption with #2, etc and that birthmother visits them - will that make her son feel like his birthmother doesn't want to see him, etc and that she doesn't love him, etc (she is doing everything in her power to ensure he understands just how much his birthmother does love him but I can totally see where she's coming from, if one child's birthmother isn't a part of their lives and another's is - how does that affect the child who doesn't have any contact? 2) What if she's not comfortable with the birthmother visiting them and visiting the baby on an ongoing basis? (primarily because she's not comfortable with the integrity of the birthmother (her experience with a previous birthmother was frightening, to say the least....even I think that and I'm about the most open-minded person in the world but I there is a point where I draw the line...I'll just leave it at that). 3) How does she approach the subject with a birthmother of how open a birthmother desires the relationship to be and how much does she share initially her feelings on how comfortable she is with fully open adoptions (this is of course in the very, very early stages of a discussion with a birthmother - before any type of commitment is made as to an adoption plan.) 4) Lastly - she only knows 2 people who have done open adoptions and both have had wonderful experiences. She wonders if they all turn out so wonderfully or are there ever any hiccups along the way and what should she expect? 5) Lastly, lastly - please feel free to offer any thoughts, advice, etc that I can share with my friend as she begins this next journey - I've told her that there are so many people who intially were fearful of open adoptions who not only overcame their fears but later believed open adoption was the only type of adoption they were comfortable with and really enjoyed the relationship with their birthmother/father (even if they are quite different from the birthparents). If you're not comfortable posting but would like to private message me or e-mail me, you can do that too at linlacor@yahoo.com Thanks everyone!! Lisa

I know in 2002 (and maybe even 2001) - Orientations were only held in San Antonio, TX so I would assume that's the case in 2003. At one time, they held them in different states but the last I'm aware of, they're just in Texas (but that may be different with 2003 so Abrazo...if I'm incorrect, please jump in and correct me). The dates for the 2003 Orientations can be found under: Potpourri Abrazo News Whats2BN2003 Thanks, Lisa

Yayyyyy!!!!! Thank you so much for sharing your story - I read it a few days ago and kept wondering, what do I say...how do I respond...it's taking me forever...finally, I just thought I'd say CONGRATULATIONS!!! because despite all you went through to get here, you're here now & THAT'S what really matters. I know nothing will ever erase the pain and emotions you experienced during your "rollercoaster ride" but I also know just how high you're feeling now and it's like there's nothing in the world that could possibly happen to change how you feel now - it's just awesome. Thank you again so much for sharing your story too - you have no idea just how much more touching, etc it is to read these baby announcements when you know all that happened before & behind the scenes. The announcements are great & exciting, etc but it's like you always know there's more to it than just what's relayed on the forum (and I think it's great that Abrazo leaves it up to us to share if we so choose to, rather than them giving all the details). I hope more people will share their stories here and continue to update us all on how the family is doing, etc. (P.S. There must be something about taking a vacation that brings about our babies because Lance & I had just returned from a 2 week (much needed) vacation a week before we rec'd the call on Kayleigh. So, all you parents-in-waiting out there, go on & plan yourself a nice get-a-way....maybe there's something to that? (Be sure to tell Abrazo though where you're going and how they can reach you and when you're coming home before you leave though - my goodness, you should have seen the fax I sent them before our trip (and we just went to Orlando) - I gave them my mobile, Lance's mobile, the lodge we were staying at's phone number, the address (in case they needed to fed-ex anything), my mom's number - there was no way I was going to miss "a call". Even when I flew to Dallas on Fri, 12/6 to attend my grand-mother's funeral, I called Abrazo to let them know I wouldn't be reachable on my mobile for 4 hours as I'd be on a plane to Dallas - maybe I'm totally obsessive but you just never know when they need to reach you with no advance notice.) Enjoy your days with Julia Grace (I love her name too! Lance chose Kayleigh's name (because I'd chosen a boy's name) and if I'd been the one to choose Kayleigh's name, I would have gone with Grace as the middle name too - I just love the way that name sounds! ) We'd love to see a photo if you have one - you can create a really easy, totally novice free website for posting photos if you go to http://www.babiesonline.com/ where you can post a picture or two (or 30) of her so we can all see what a doll she is (if you have any digital photos). We're so happy for all of you!! Love, Lisa http://www.thecornishfamily.net

Hi again, I just re-read your post and realized I didn't even address your concern about pursuing ivf & domestic adoption. If you choose to move forward with Abrazo, I'm pretty sure you can not be doing any infertility treatments (I think this is the case - geez, it's only been 5 or 6 months since our Orientation & I'm already forgetting some stuff). I think the reason is because they want to be sure you've dealt with any infertility monsters that may be lurking for you (i.e. you've put infertility in your past and you're okay with not having a biological child, etc). I used to think that why not try adoption & infertility treatments at the same time - double your chances (the things we do to be parents...). Now, I can't imagine going through both but I think some people do that. I really wouldn't recommend pursuing both routes - even if you do decide to try the international route. If you're considering IVF, do the IVF - wait on the adoption. There's so much you need to think about and come to terms with, with respect to adoption - you really need to be beyond the infertility stuff - For me, infertility was wayyyyyy more of a rollercoaster than adoption was so I would have just been so not able to focus on both (because they both require a great deal of focus). Also, while undergoing ivf, I just wasn't myself and there's no way I'd want to have met or spoken with someone at Abrazo or any adoption agency for that matter. It seriously made me feel so bad, so insecure, & so depressed. I'm afraid that my application would have been horrible as would my profile and homestudy visits and anything else I had to do once we started adoption. If you're going to do IVF, my advice is to just focus on it at first. If after the 1st time it doesn't work, sit back and think about whether you really want to try it again (good idea to think about how many times you'll try it ahead of time though so you already have some concrete limit you can work with). If you decide to try it again, try it again but I wouldn't do adoption in parallel - but that's just my opinion. Hope that helps. Lisa

Hi Familylove, Welcome to the forum! (I just love it when we get new posters...no offense to the current posters but it's always so cool to meet new people and get different perspectives). For us, we found out we had male factor infertility (I'm sure my husband just loves it when I share that with everyone...oh well! ) and we learned that the only chance we had of conceiving was through In-Vitro using ICSI (intra-cytoplasmic sperm injection - it's where they isolate one sperm and inject it into the egg - almost fail-proof at making fertilization happen, they use it a lot when you have male factor with low motility). We knew we had to try in-vitro first, even though we were also discussing adoption. We were afraid we'd always wonder "what-if" if we didn't try ivf. (And our insurance didn't cover it & it was $7K each time but fortunately my husband's employer reimbursed us $3K each year so technically, we were only out of pocket 4K each go. Anyway - I was really hopeful - I heard so many positive things about ivf & when you start down that path, you have a way of seeking out the success stories so I felt really positive & even wondered what it would be like w/twins (we'd planned to put back 2 embryos) I thought I was prepared for bad news too because so often you hear that it takes 2 or 3 times before it works - it's like that 1st time is just for your doctor to get to know you & your system and get the meds just right. However, when I learned I wasn't pregnant, it was crushing news. I wasn't at all prepared for how I felt, even though I kept telling myself it's not a big deal if it doesn't work & we'd just try again. For us, there is no such thing as having the attitude "just try another ivf again" and I bet we're not the only ones. What I felt mostly was anger - anger at those embryos for not implanting (strange person to take my anger out on I know...) I also felt intense jealously of anyone I saw &/or knew who was pregnant or who had a baby I just wanted a baby soooo much! It felt so unfair - these emotions I wasn't prepared for. So, we decided to just move on and try again next year then, when it came closer to that time, I had 2nd thoughts and thought about giving up until I was 40 and maybe going to law school or something. We talked about adoption again but had already decided that we really needed to try ivf twice before we gave up on it altogether (hindsight!! ). Finally, I decided I just couldn't wait any longer so we tried ivf again - this time with a different infertility clinic with better stats and a more aggressive program (we put 3 embryos back this time). So, we did it again - I really didn't feel very hopeful with that one and sure enough - it was negative (all this time, I participated on a yahoo ivf group and that kept what hopes I had up because it seemed like it was working for everyone on there!! When that one was negative, I knew I couldn't go through with it again. There was no way I was going to let something control my life so much (that's how I felt - it seemed like the medications, the shots, the schedules, the doctor's appointments, the waiting.....yuck! all of it just had so much control over me and my husband and our lives - we hated that! ) So, we contacted Abrazo and 5 months later, I'm a mom! (and 2 weeks after getting our homestudy totally complete! While doing our adoption, I never for one second felt unhappy or discouraged or anything like I felt when we were doing ivf. Yes, we had a huge rollercoaster once we learned about Kayleigh (read my stories if you're looking for a novel to read, they're under "Joyous Journeys" then "Lance & Lisa's Beautiful Daughter Kayleigh" but it was all positive energy - not bitter, resentful feelings (of course, we never experienced a disrupted adoption plan or disrupted adoption so I'm probably not the best person to comment on how that goes). I don't know what to tell you is the right thing to do. The fact that your insurancr covers the ivf is definitely an advantage (although ivf isn't just about the expense side either - it can just be a devastating experience, the side-effects of the huge amounts of hormones you inject into your body is so bad - I was totally not myself, I became very depressed & insecure and I kept trying to tell myself it's just the meds but somehow that didn't make my dramatic personality shift change back to normal & it didn't make dealing with it any better either). IVF can work, there's no doubt about that (a lady from my new mommy class that Kayleigh & I are taking has twin boys who are 6 wks old and they are the result of 10 years of infertility treatments, 5 ivfs & they're the 21st & 22nd embryos she had frozen. There are even some success stories where it works the 1st or 2nd time but usually, it takes more than that (then, there are people like my very, very good friend who did something like 4 or 5 IUIs and 2 or 3 IVFs and began to consider egg donation then they decided that they just wanted to be parents - that's what was important to them so they adopted their beautiful, gorgeous, happy son (they even were there for his birth) and he turned 1 year old this past September - he is her pride and joy as Kayleigh is mine - Kayleigh is just the best thing that ever happened to me. I can't even describe how wonderful it feels to be a mom and of course, this is totally hindsight but if I had things to do all over again, I probably wouldn't even try the IVF in the first place (although it's hard to say - you never know what you're going to do in a situation until you're actually faced with it). I guess we were meant to go the routes we went because otherwise, Kayleigh wouldn't be with us and she is so meant for us and us for her so it's all a happy ending after all. Hope you find the support you're looking for from us - all of us have been through infertility and we know what a nasty monster that can be (although you're getting somewhat of a biased opinion on that because for all of us, infertility treatments didn't work - to hear the positive side of infertility treatments, you'd need to discuss with some people who've been successful). Hope you keep posting and let us know how you're doing! Best wishes! Lisa http://www.thecornishfamily.net

How did we choose Abrazo? I won't go into too much detail as to why we chose adoption (that's a different question I guess) - obviously we experienced infertility and got fed up with the feeling that we'll never be parents through infertility treatments and when we began discussing adoption, we just got this really good feeling (totally unlike the icky feeling in our stomachs that happened anytime we talked about in-vitro!!) so - after our 2nd unsuccessful IVF attempt (actually, the day I learned our pregnancy results were negative) - I contacted Abrazo. So, why Abrazo? Well, we'd been discussing adoption since the beginning of our infertility treatments and I'd bought books and books and books all about adoption - domestic adoption, international adoption, resource books, etc. I'd been reading about it & researching it for awhile and was really anxious to get started but there was just something that pushed us to try IVF - at the time, I was afraid that if we didn't try IVF, I'd always wonder "What if" (hindsight - I would have gone the adoption route from the beginning - I can't even begin to describe how your life is so enriched when you "have" your child through adoption and I don't even give "having a biological child" a second thought (although I know everyone is different - this is just how we feel). Anyway - my mom had mentioned to us after our 1st unsuccessful IVF attempt (that was in early 2001 - February 14th was when I learned the results of my negative pregnancy test...the day after my birth-daughter's 11th birthday & Lance had an unexpected trip come up so he was out of town (because he said he was so certain the test results would be positive) - one of the worst days in my life it was) that a really dear friend of hers had a daughter & son-in-law who had just recently adopted their baby son through an agency in San Antonio and that she was certain that this friend's daughter would be more than happy to talk to me if I wanted to hear all about it. We weren't ready yet for that though so I filed it away for later and "moved on" (basically worked bajllions of hours at work and got really into my job - thank goodness I had a fabulous staff of people working for me & a really, really fabulous manager and colleagues that made my job fun (oh how I miss our lunches - every day, my manager and the 2 other Accounting managers who were my colleagues & I would go somewhere for lunch and get our girl bonding in - ahhhh, those were some fun days)) and it was easy to really throw myself into it and sort of get the whole "baby obsession" off my mind. So, flash ahead to 12/01 - we were transferred to Seattle - we settled in finally and were ready to give the IVF thing another go (after I'd taken an LSAT prep course (Law School Entrance Exam) and was all ready to apply to a law school in Dallas and just wait until I'm 40 to worry about the mommy thing because surely by then, technology will be so fabulous that you won't even need sperm & eggs any longer to get pregnant...then I realized that I couldn't wait that long - all I wanted, all I ever thought about was being a Mommy so forget Law School - we're going to try again!!) Didn't work. On June 26th I didn't go to work so I could be home to find out my negative pregnancy test results (made the mistake of being at work on the day I learned I wasn't pregnant after my first IVF attempt). I already knew because I'd ordered these really sensitive tests off the internet and had been taking them almost from day 2 after the transfer. They called, told me the results - I wasn't surprised nor was I sad (frustrated & mad more than anything) and then, I called my mom and said, "can you please call your friend and find out what agency her daughter used - we're done with in-vitro". She called right then and called me back and told me the name is "Abrazo" and they even have a website. I visited the website, visited the forum (my very first post ever on the Forum is under "Looking to Adopt" and the topic is "Baby Steps" and I did it July 1st). I submitted the pre-application sometime in the next few days (can't remember exactly when - may have even done it the very next day after talking to Lance) and the coolest person I'd ever met called me within a day or so of receiving it (it was Elizabeth) and we talked for a long time - she was so patient (we initially thought we would be more comfortable with a closed adoption or semi-open but Elizabeth explained to us what open adoption was and never tried to push us into it....she just discussed it so that we could be more available to exploring it (well, I wouldn't have it any other way now - except that our birthmother actually wanted a closed adoption which is just so hard for us to deal with but we totally respect her and her need to deal with her placement in how she feels is best so we are dealing with it...it's just so hard). There was one reason & one reason alone why I made that first contact with Abrazo and that was because my mom's friend's daughter had adopted from Abrazo and had a great experience. That was a big deal for us. I personally was (still am) very non-trusting of adoption agencies (I wonder if it has to do with my experience with Gladney in Ft. Worth when I placed my daughter for adoption? Probably - yucky place!!) and just knowing that there was an agency out there who weren't evil and greedy baby-takers and just out to get lots of money from adoptive parents up front without ever placing a baby with them (okay, maybe I did have some fears about adoption...) was good enough for us and we wouldn't have considered any other agency (well, unless Abrazo didn't accept us). Now - it's a totally different situation. I wouldn't consider any other agency other than Abrazo (and I strongly believe that noone else should consider any other agency other than Abrazo) because they're just soooooooooo wonderful and they treat everyone with respect and compassion and they're fair and honest and have huge amounts of integrity and they're into Adoption for the "right" reasons. And - they're quick! My goodness how many agencies do you know that place their babies as fast as Abrazo does? I mean, you read posts from Abrazo that said that one couple had to wait "a whole year" from Orientation before placement happened. It's described as though a year is an eternity (which to the couple, it seems like it but if you step back and look at other agencies - some people wait 2 years (minimum) and as long as 5 - 7 years before a baby is placed with them. There are so many other reasons but this post is long enough - I thought I'd just post a paragraph or two but I should have known better. Hope to hear from others (didn't mean for this topic to need such lengthy detailed responses but hopefully y'all are getting used to how I post these days...ramble, ramble, ramble...I think it comes from a lack of sleep). Have a great weekend!! Lisa

Hi, I e-mailed the first post by ElizabethAnn to my mom and asked her to respond and that I would post it for her (my mom is 68 and although she's quite savvier than most 68 year olds when it comes to computers & the internet (because I've insisted she learn!! and because she's still working and has to use a computer) - I didn't think she'd be able to figure out how to post something on here. As most of y'all know - I am a birthmother who placed my daughter for adoption 14 years ago (not through Abrazo or through any agency/person associated with Abrazo - I found Abrazo through my husband's & my search to adopt our child) and my mom & I went through this together...as a team. I'm posting her response un-edited and although hers is a brief response (well, brief compared to what I usually write...and she's the social one believe it or not...I'm somewhat of an introvert in many ways) - perhaps she'll post more in the future (I'll make sure I show her how next time). So, this is from my mom...my daughter's birth-grand-mother.. Her e-mail address is sdavidson@necbns.com, I'm sure she'll welcome any mails/questions/etc that anyone would like to send her (but be warned - she isn't a daily mail checker....so it may take her a week or so to respond). Response to Elizabeth's posting Date: Thu, 9 Jan 2003 13 : 02:20 -0500 Some years ago I found myself in such a situation as you speak of in your recent posting about birth grandparents. This was the youngest of my three daughters and I was a single mom working two jobs. My daughter had been living with her Dad and Stepmother in California. She had been unhappy in that situation and had come back to live with me. When we discovered she was pregnant, she made the decision for adoption and I supported whatever decision she made. We then made arrangements for her to live at an agency that handled the adoption. On weekends, I could bring her home to stay with me. My greatest desire was for my daughter to be happy and healthy and whatever I could do to accomplish that was my goal. She chose adoption because of our situation with finances and her desire to go to college. This was not an easy time for her, one sister was very supportive but the other sister had young children that she did not want them to know about their aunt's condition. My daughter did very well physically and delivered a healthy, beautiful daughter. She also put herself through college and graduated with honors. She had many sad times thinking of her daughter especially on the baby's birthday and counseling was not offered by the facility she used. Many things have changed since then and more consideration is given to the emotional state of the young birth mother. These young ladies need all the support they can get! Today, my daughter is the proud and happy mother of a beautiful daughter that she adopted.

Yes, Yes, Yes!!! The first Abrazo Baby for 2003!!! Heartfelt congratulations for this couple, how wonderful and fulfilled you must be feeling right now. Welcome to the wonderful world of being parents - it's even better than I could ever imagine - I'm sure you're finding that out right now!! I'm with Dana - I'd love to hear your story (I've always wanted to know the background on these Baby Announcements and it's so much fun to read the stories, etc). Stork Central even created a brand new Section under "Adoptive Parents" called "Joyous Journeys" for just the kind of thing. Dana - if you're looking for encouragement, you ought to check out the topic I created under "Potpourri", called "The Day of the Call, Sharing Your Story". I created this before Kayleigh when I needed some encouragement and inspiration during our wait which can seem endless!!! Be sure you get your tissues out though - the stories that people have posted are all so unique and touching and are certain to bring tears to your eyes". Calling all other APs - please share your story too, where were you on the day of "The Call" and how did it all happen, etc. We'd love to know!!! Best Wishes to the new "Mamas & Papas". Enjoy this bliss!!! Lisa

"You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it". -- Margaret Thatcher "To dream anything that you want to dream, that is the beauty of the human mind. To do anything that you want to do, that is the strength of the human will. To trust yourself, to test your limits, that is the courage to succeed." -- Bernard Edmonds "You must do the things you think you cannot do". -- Eleanor Roosevelt

Oh I just read this with chills and tears!!!!! How wonderful, wonderful, wonderful for you all! These baby announcements just have a whole new meaning when you've had yours! I use to read these with so much hope - they were such an inspiration to me while Lance & I waited for our Kayleigh to find us. Now, when I read them, well - I just get this warm, maternal feeling because I know how it feels - I know exactly how you are all feeling at this moment and there isn't anything in the world that feels better than to become a parent - that is for sure! Every day I think, how could tomorrow be better than today? And every day, it is, each day is better than the day before, I don't know how but it is. I am thrilled for all of you but of course, there's a very tender place in my heart for the "doctor" couple who we shared our trials & tribulations with during that Friday & Saturday at our Los Nuevo Abrazos Orientation back in August 2002. I'm not sure if they're forum regulars or not but I know they've been waiting a very, very long time to become parents and they'll make wonderful parents (duh, is there anyone who Abrazo has worked with that hasn't? Elizabeth, you sure are a good "parent picker-outer"!! ) Happy parenting everyone and happy New Years!! Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh Cornish

Congratulations to you all! I'm not sure who you are (Julie & Taylor??) but I certainly feel a bond with you at this moment since our precious little daughter just joined our lives too. I know so much how absolutely full of love and elation you're feeling right now. Isn't this just wonderful? Aren't we the luckiest, most blessed people in the entire world? I am so happy to hear your news! Congratulations!! Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh Cornish

Hi Kathy, I'm so glad you found the Abrazo forum! This is such a great place for support and as you're seeing already, there are people who care and who want to help you. I am a birthmother (I placed my baby daughter for adoption about 14 years ago, I was 18 at the time) and now, my husband & I are working with Abrazo to adopt our baby. I want you to know that you found a good place to try to give you all the information and support you need to make the best decision for yourself and your baby. The Abrazo girls (I call them girls, I guess they're really ladies, anyway - it's just women who work there) are sooooo easy to talk to and they will try to answer any questions you have (they even have birthparents who placed their babies for adoption too working there so they understand what you're going through). Abrazo won't pressure you into doing anything, they'll make sure you understand all the options you have and will just try to be there to help you and support you and make sure you have enough information to decide what to do. I think some of the other people who responded to your post gave you Abrazo's phone number, you can call them anytime and it's a free call, just call 1-800 454-5683 and if you don't live in Texas, you can call them collect (for free) at (210) 342-5683 I really really hope that everything works out for you and I know this can be a really scary thing to be faced with - I remember when I first found out I was pregnant (I was 17) and I was just so upset, I can't even describe how scary it was for me. You'll be in all of our thoughts and prayers and we hope you keep coming back to the forum to let us know how things are going. You'll make lots of friends here, believe me (whatever you decide to do, everyone is always very supportive of whatever decision you make so even if you decide not to place your baby for adoption, please know that you're very welcome to keep coming back and keeping in touch with all of us, it will be nice to hear from you and know how you are doing). Take care, Lisa