linlacor

Hi sugarfamily, I feel like I'm dense because I sort of don't understand your question - like the part about converting them to individual policies....and the child only policy, etc....anyway - I'm wondering if y'all are self-employed or self-insured rather than insured through a company you or your husband works for...which is the case with us (my husband works for Nokia and our health/medical insurance is United Healthcare but is offered through Nokia and is supplemented by Nokia (we pay a small (well, small in comparison to how much medical insurance really costs) amount toward the medical insurance expense...anyway...I'll go ahead and throw out there how it worked for us although it's probably all different for everyone... So, with us - each year, there's a window of a week or two where Lance enrolls (or re-enrolls) for all the benefits (life insurance, health insurance, 401-K, flexible spending accounts, etc) and there are usually a few changes to the insurance plans so we pick out which one we want (PPO, HMO, etc) and he enrolls. That time is the only time he can make changes to his benefits (i.e. add someone to the policy, drop someone, change insurance plans, etc) UNLESS there is a life changing event that occurs during the year (which are defined by the guidelines Nokia provides) and the birth or adoption of a child qualifies as a life changing event (as do a few other things)...so, when Kayleigh was born - after we officially took placement of her (signing the initial paperwork, etc from Abrazo - it's usually 48 hours after the birth mother gives birth to her baby but can be longer if she needs more time to do this (I believe she has to relinquish her rights before you're able to take placement but I'm certainly not an expert on the Texas laws, etc so take what I'm saying with a grain of salt and for sure confirm this with the appropriate people (Abrazo, an attorney, and for the insurance stuff - either your human resources contact at the company your husband/you work for or if you're self-insured through the insurance company you're affiliated with)...anyway, for us - we took placement of Kayleigh 4 days after she was born (she was born on 12/5/02 and we took placement on 12/9/02 because 12/8/02 (48 hrs would have been at 10:18pm on 12/7/02 and 12/8/02 fell on a Sunday) so on 12/9/02 - Kayleigh was officially added to our health insurance policy and her medical expenses were covered by our insurance from that point forward. But again, every insurance company has different policies so how things were done with ours is different from how it's done with others but just to give you an idea of what our situation was like - Kayleigh was essentially unisured & we were responsible for her medical expenses (because it was a private pay case meaning Kayleigh's birthmother did not have insurance or medicaid) from 12/5/02 - 12/8/02. (Also, just wanted to clarify that we were told from the beginning that Kayleigh's case was a private pay and were given the opportunity to continue with her case or not depending on whether we were comfortable with a private pay case). Sorry to ramble on...there is a form that Abrazo includes in some of the initial paperwork they give you (at least they did when we went through Orientation back in August 2002) for you to send in to your insurance company that they sign/verify that says something about their insurance coverage for the baby. I would HIGHLY encourage you to follow-up with that form/letter and get it back from them or get something in writing from them that fully explains how and when the coverage kicks in and what triggers the "kicking-in" part. The reason I say this is because there was a bit of ambiguity on the part of our insurance company's coverage for Kayleigh - the HR (human resources) guy at Nokia initially told us (this was on Monday, 12/9 before we had done the placement paperwork) that insurance wouldn't kick in until the adoption was finalized - that completely freaked us out - that meant Kayleigh would be un-insured until we finalized her adoption which can't happen until Kayleigh has lived with us for at least 6 months - and she was in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit) and we didn't know when she'd get out. Anyway, that was misinformation on Nokia's part and it all got sorted out but had we followed-through with that form, we wouldn't have had to have freaked out for the few hours we did, wondering how we could manage all the medical bills, etc that could come up...anyway, be sure you get everything clarified as soon as possible so when it's time to take placement, that's one less thing you have to concern yourself with and you can just enjoy the moment because it's a once-in-a-lifetime moment to enjoy!! -Lisa

Hi marthaj, Well, I'm sure a day doesn't go by that you're not counting your blessings for your precious Catherine...but that doesn't mean you can't count blessings twofold...right? I'm a big believer in listening to that inner voice and letting yourself just do what feels right to you...regardless of all the "what-ifs". Of course, it's always a good idea to sit down and have a think about things...then, I like to just throw all that out and listen to my gut and make a decision and just trudge along...believing that I know what is right for myself (along with my husband's thoughts and he's in agreement, etc) and just believe in my decision and not let anything or anyone get in the way. Age...shmage...I don't doubt that the majority of the time, birhparents are interested in "young" adoptive parents...they're also often interested in first-time parents...and, they like the parents to live in Texas...But! You know - if you want baby #2 - then that means that He has a plan for you (He may even be the one putting a little bug in your ear about all this) and your baby is out there...birthmother and all...the right baby and birthmother is looking for you...just as you might be looking for them. I remember one of the moms that came to speak in our Orientation was 50 or almost 50...and they had recently adopted their baby boy...so, it happens and you just have to trust and believe that it will happen...even if it takes a bit longer than usual. And I am ALL for being an older parent - I think it keeps you young...Just think, when everyone else your age is talking about grand-children or their kids graduating from college, you'll be hanging around all these active, young-thinking, energetic moms with kids the same age as your youngest one... - that energy and fun is bound to rub off on you...I would much rather be a part of that group when I'm in my mid-50s than the other set...who are thinking of where to go to retire to, etc... I always thought we'd adopt 2 as well - then when Kayleigh arrived - I just felt this overwhelming maternal emotional thing for her and just wanted to give every ounce of my being to her - still do. I found that I felt really complete - as did my husband - and didn't feel that strong urge for baby #2...so, for now - we say Kayleigh is likely to be an only child...but we haven't shut any doors. We're certainly open to changing our minds at some point - although we are pretty certain that we will wait until Kayleigh is 5+ before we start the process again - I just like the idea of the 5+ age gap (you know, you get one out of college before you have to start the other one, noone remembers you're "so & so's little brother/sister", etc. And I'm living proof that siblings with wide age differences are still very, very close to each other - my sisters are 12 & 15 years older than me and though the relationship they have with each other is different from the relationship I have with them, I can't imagine being any closer to them - we talk about EVERYTHING!! As for the volunteering thing - I think that's a great idea, if you think that's something you'd be interested in...I have been feeling the same way lately and have contacted this really cool program - called Healthy Start (not sure if it's just a local Washington state thing or not). Basically, you go through this training and make a 1 year commitment to be a mentor for a new parent who is 21 yrs old or younger. I'm so excited about doing that - I'd looked into it before we got the call about Kayleigh and then got a little side-tracked but am feeling like I have the time and desire to make the commitment to this. I think it will be so neat to be around a newborn/infant again (you usually meet with your new mom once or twice a week) and if there's something I can help them with or just being a shoulder for them while they're going through this emotional and difficult time, then all the better. So, not sure if something like that interests you or not but here's the info on it and maybe the contact there would know how to help you find something like that locally (I'm sure they have programs like this elsewhere) Location: Healthy Start 16315 NE 87th Street, Suite B1 Redmond, WA 98052 425-895-9813 Contact: Karen Wilson, Parent Mentor Coordinator, Karenw@chs-wa.org Service Description: Parents 21 years of age of less, who are about to deliver a baby or have an infant six months or younger, can benefit from information and support. This collaborative program in east King County offers health and support services to help young families provide a nurturing home for their children. CHSW coordinates the parent aide component of this program, which matches trained volunteers one-on-one with young families. Mentors support young parents by providing parenting information, help accessing community resources and a non-judgmental, listening presence. Mentors are asked to spend 3-6 hours a month with their family and to commit to the program for a minimum of one year. Keep us posted...we need to know if we should be on the look-out for a post from "Stork-Central" under New Arrivals!! Lisa

Hi dnr...welcome, welcome, welcome!!! I'm so glad you found us!!! Abrazo contacted us by phone to tell us we were invited to attend the orientation (we went to the 8/02 Orientation - Kayleigh was born 12/5/02 and we brought her home to Seattle, WA on 12/24/02). The phone call was followed up with a formal invitation (which provided details of the costs, hotel info on where to stay, exact dates, times, and all kinds of other helpful information). I can say so many wonderful, wonderful things about Abrazo but for a parent-in-waiting - I can say (and I think you'll be happy to hear) that Abrazo isn't the kind of place to let a lot of grass grow under their feet. They move quick around there - and I don't think you'll be waiting too long to find out if you need to start making plans for a fun-filled and emotional and full-filling weekend in March. Wishing you and your husband alllll the best on your journey!! Feel free to post away if you think of any other questions - you're with a great group of friends here - who have been in your shoes and there is always someone here who has been through something you're likely to come across during your journey to meet your child...and all too happy to offer a shoulder for support or an ear for listening... Lisa!

Hi John/Jane Doe, Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts here - I find it always enlightening to hear other's perspectives on their role in an adoption. I'm not sure if you're looking for opinions or ideas from those of us here...but I'm never one to keep mine to myself so I just wanted to add something...take it for what its worth and hopefully you realize this is just totally my opinion - everyone is different - you know your daughter better than anyone else. I have to say that there is a part of GardenofHope's post I disagree with and I'm sure I'm in the minority....anyway, I'm all for open communication - without a doubt. However, I don't think I would recommend sharing with your daughter exactly the thoughts/sentiments you shared in your post. If I put myself in her shoes (and again, I have no idea what your daughter is like), I have a feeling she knows already how you feel about things. I'm sure she knows that you respect and support her decision to not terminate her pregnancy and also that you're not fully supportive of her decision to have ongoing contact and a relationship with her child's parents - and her child. I think that by sitting down and talking about that will just result in both sides walking away from a very uncomfortable discussion and not being any further along in understanding where one another are coming from. I placed my birth-daughter for adoption 15 years ago in a closed adoption (the kind it seems you wish your daughter had been involved in). Mine was closed because that is how most adoptions were done then and so it was what it was. I did feel a lot of shame from my pregnancy and my adoption plans but not as much as my mom did. I still talked about it to people I worked with and people I met - I didn't always tell everyone but if it seemed an appropriate thing to bring up in a conversation, I did. My mom (my parents were divorced and my dad and I weren't on speaking terms) on the other hand felt that an unplanned pregnancy was definitely not something you go around telling anyone and you hide that sort of thing and it's not something to talk about in any conversation...ever. She didn't want anyone she worked with or was friends with (there were a couple of friends she confided in) knowing about it and I knew that without her coming out and saying so. I'm so glad she never confronted me with that - it would have hurt my feelings beyond anything I could imagine - I was already dealing with so many emotions related to the pregnancy and adoption - I didn't want to hear my mom tell me how ashamed she was (even though she was very supportive of my decision to place my daughter for adoption...etc - she was my rock during the entire thing but still...she was very embarassed that I had gotten myself into such a thing) and didn't want to know that she didn't want her friends to know...even though I knew how she felt so I respected her feelings and didn't talk about it around her co-workers, etc. I also had to keep it all hidden from my niece & nephew (I have 2 sisters - one sister chose to share with her son (he was about 11 at the time) and he saw me throughout the pregnancy...my other sister felt her children were too young and didn't want them to know (they were 11 & 7 at the time). So, I couldn't see them once I started showing and my due date was in February so that Christmas was spent alone (my mom worked on Christmas). My sister never was comfortable sharing any of that with her children so one day, on my birth-daughter's birthday, I told my niece a brief version of the story (she was about 14 or 15). Her reaction was very sweet and curious and touching...my sister on the other hand was pretty furious that I'd told my niece (she found out several months later)...but she's over it now and it's talked about freely in the family although after all this time - it's not something that comes up on a day-to-day basis like it used to. So anyway, I can see your side of things - I can also see your daughter's...I wish I understood more about the whys from your perspective (I have a feeling that my daughter's birthfamily doesn't want contact with us (including her birthmother) for many of the same reasons you go into in your post (just to confuse things even more...I'm also a mother through adoption - my husband & I adopted our daughter through Abrazo in December 2002). I keep thinking there's something we did wrong that makes them not want to be a part of our life - that there's something we could do different to encourage them to be in contact with us.... Anyway, just my 2 cents... Best wishes to you and your family for a happy future... Lisa

I wish I could remember....it's been a bit over 15 years since I made that call but I don't think the memory has faded over time, I think it was just something I didn't want to hold onto. Anyway, what gave me the courage to call the agency I went with....no other choice. I knew I wasn't able to parent my child, I knew I wasn't comfortable with terminating the pregnancy...I was going to be a senior in high school and school was starting soon (I found out I was pregnant the summer before I started my senior year) and I knew I didn't want to start a new school pregnant (I got pregnant in California while living with my dad & his wife but went to visit my mom that summer (who lived in Texas) which was when I found out I was pregnant and so I knew I would be staying in Texas (also because my living situation with my dad & his wife was a nightmare but that's another story...). Anyway, school was getting ready to start and I needed to go to school but didn't want to start a new school pregnant and basically was faced with needing to do what I had been dreading to do. My mom was also basically doing everything for me - she probably even made the call to the agency and I remember we met with them at their office soon after that and she did pretty much all the talking (can you imagine...me...speechless???) So - courage? No...not something I had...at that time, I had no courage whatsoever - I was scared to death. On top of everything else, I then had to go live in their dorms (in order for me to be able to go to the school they had on campus) which made it even worse - I was so homesick - it was not something I wanted to do...but felt there was no other choice so I did what I felt I had to do with a lot of hand-holding from my mom. As for what made me call them? Well, my mom lived in Euless, TX - this agency was located in Ft. Worth so it was close enough for my mom to visit me often. Also, I guess the primary reason was that when I was about 15, this agency had come to my school and did this presentation to my health education class - they brought a couple of girls who were pregnant and placing through them and they had their outreach person there and did this song and dance thing and that was my first and only exposure to adoption agencies. I did look in the yellow-pages before anyone knew I was pregnant - I remember there were 2 agencies listed - one was run by nuns or had some Catholic type name - I didn't call them because I thought that they wouldn't talk to me since I wasn't Catholic - there was also another one...I think it was Hope Cottage. I was scared to call them (and I guess anyone at that time) because I was scared that if I called them, they'd be able to trace my phone call and come to my house or something and I hadn't told my mom I was pregnant so I didn't want there to be any way that someone could "spill the beans" so to speak. I didn't want to give them any information about myself either and I was afraid they'd be able to get all that just from my phone call... Oh yes, and what the call was like...well, now that I'm thinking about it - I'm pretty sure my mom is the one who called (which is probably another reason I don't remember it). I do remember parts of the meeting with them and it was horrible. Tons of paperwork - millions of questions about me and the father of the baby - (not to mention the horror of finding out that I would have to contact him and tell him I was pregnant and ask him to sign some papers to relinquish his rights - oh, that was the worst part! I hate to admit this but had I known that by saying I knew who the birthfather was that I would then have to contact him or he would have to be contacted by the agency...I would have listed him as unknown. At that time, he was the last person in the world I wanted to have contact with...especially to tell him I was pregnant). Back to the meeting though - it was very unpleasant, very intimidating, very long! The person I met with (I guess a social worker?) was really fake and very much like a "oh you poor thing, what have you got yourself into" kind of attitude - very condescending. -Lisa

Hi Dreamer, I just wanted to 2nd that dinner thing. One of my neighbors brought me a casserole, salad, & cookies one night about a couple of week after Kayleigh came home and I think that was by far, one of the most thoughtful and meaningful things...it was so extremely appreciated. I was so surprised that she did that because we had only seen each other maybe 3 times (at Bunco) and it was just so touching so I agree - something like that would be a very special, very unique thing and very appreciated. -Lisa

Thanks for the dates... As for any pre-orientation advice... I would say to spend some time just thinking about where you've been, where you are, and where you want to go and why (in terms of infertility, family, etc). Nothing too intense...just give it a little thought - never a bad idea to look inside yourself and try to put it all together. Go into it realizing that it may be a long, long, long time before you get to all be together with this group of people again - yet you'll leave all with something in common - you'll all be official "Parents-In-Waiting". Any chance you have to socialize with these people - go for it. If you're usually an early to bed person - have an open mind about staying up late a night or two - even if there's a suggestion to go somewhere you wouldn't normally go (our group wanted to go to this trendy bar type thing (all I could think of was "how much cigarette smoke will be there? yuck!! and I was tired and didn't want to go (mostly because of cigarette smoke) but we had a really persistent one in our group who was really perky and peppy and she talked us into it and I am SOOO glad I didn't let that opportunity pass me by. -Lisa

Oh my gosh!!!! Let's see, Lance & I were in the 8/02 Orientation with a couple of physicians who adopted a beautiful baby girl a bit after we adopted Kayleigh...hmmm...this post sounds suspiciously like it could be them again. Well, whoever you are...congratulations and if it's our friends from Los Neuvos Abrazos who've just become the parents of another precious daughter, please fill us in (if you're reading this). Best wishes to the happy family and the special birthparents. -Lisa

Prayers are needed for my mom, aunt, & grand-father. My maternal grand-father is 92 and has lived a wonderful life full of happy memories and blessings. He has overcome so many health challenges over the past 10 years including 2 bouts of prostate cancer (even in his 80s - he was a very independent man who had no qualms about clearing the brush from all his land and climbing up on ladders to do stuff around the house - he's always been a "do-it-yourselfer" even building his house at one time. He's been living in an assisted living facility for the last few years and has succumbed to Alzheimer's although he still recognizes my mom and aunt - just forgets things a lot. Anyway - he's been in a lot of pain recently and a recent bone scan confirmed that cancer is all over his body. They have controlled the pain with methodone but his time here with us is nearing the end...they say just weeks. I'm asking for your prayers that he is spared any more pain and has a peaceful end when God determines the time is right. I'm also asking for your prayers that my mom and aunt be blessed with strength and peace when their dad goes home. He's been such a wonderful daddy to them and my mom is always happy to tell me lots of stories about when she was growing up - he was the kind of dad I would have loved to have had - he loves his girls more than anything and they've always known that. Thank you, Lisa

Well, one thing I hadn't taken into consideration when planning our "baby budget" (who am I kidding...budget is hardly even in my vocabulary when it comes to Kayleigh...anyway) was photography. I had no idea how this can add up if you're doing them every month. So - something I think that would be a unique and useful gift would be a gift certificate to a photo place (not sure if they even do these or not...I would think so). The Picture People, JC Penney's, Sears, KiddieKandids (inside Babies R Us) are some of the ones that come to mind. This would also be a pretty flexible option too because you could spend as much or as little as you'd like. -Lisa

Congratulations Laura & Steve and the new parents of a beautiful baby girl from the Los Missionarios group. Two little girls in a row..... Speaking as a mommy of a beautiful little girl who just turned 1 this past December who just stole her daddy's heart from day 1 - you new dads should be prepared...there's just something about little girls and their daddies. Kayleigh and I are very close but when her daddy walks through the door each evening...it's all about "Da!" and she just thinks he's the cat's meow. And he thinks she's pretty special too - I'd never seen this side of him until he met Kayleigh...it's so cool to watch! Enjoy your daughters - and have fun shopping (it really is true you know...the selection of clothes for little girls far exceeds the clothes for little boys...I've gone to buy baby gifts many times for friends with sons and I just can't believe the selection...just maybe a few outfits to choose from...not so with Kayleigh shopping...it's just better that I not even go into a clothing store because I have no self-control when it comes to playing dress up with her. Congratulations!! Lisa, Lance, & Kayleigh

Hi Lois M, Welcome to the forum. I think that is always a tricky one...I am a mother through adoption (my husband and I experienced 4 years of infertility and adopted a beautiful baby girl through Abrazo in December 2002). Anyway, even for me I'm never sure whether it's okay to ask friends who are in the adoption process how things are going - and I've been there...so I can imagine it is really a grey area for you...I just wanted to tell you how wonderful it is to read how sensitive you are to their feelings - that means a lot!! That could be one way to go - explain that you know this could be a sensitive subject so you're reluctant to ask how things are going or a status but you want them to know you're always interested in hearing anything they're willing to share...even if it's that nothing is going on (a lot of the adoption process is just the "waiting" where there's really nothing happening and you're just waiting in anticipation for something to happen). Anyway - you could explain that you didn't want them to think that by you not asking means that you're not interested...you're just trying to be respectful of what could be an emotional discussion and topic for them....does that make sense? That way, if they're open to discussion - they'll probably give you an earful (I always LOVED talking about what was going on with us - even if it was nothing - it was like an outlet for me...but this isn't always the case with some people...for me though - I didn't always talk about it because I wasn't sure who was really interested and who was bored by my endless talking and talking and talking about our future baby). And if they're not - they'll be touched that you showed that you are interested and you do care and you care enough to let them initiate the conversation when it's comfortable for them. But I know - you want to know what's going on...just the other day, I sent an e-mail to a friend who is in the process of adopting baby #2 and they're about 6 months into it and I haven't heard anything in probably 3 months - last I heard, they were going to talk to a birthmother then I never heard anything else...I figured if that had worked out, she would have told me but I was still curious about how things were going. I debated on whether or not to ask (especially in an e-mail...that seems so impersonal) and nosy me, I went ahead and just worded it like, "I've been thinking of y'all and wondering if you've talked to any other birthparents and how things are going". But - I know she's really anxious to adopt so sometimes, these kinds of questions from others can just be a slap in the face that there's nothing going on...but I took my chances (we're really close friends...)...especially since she knows I've been there. So, those are my 2 cents for what it's worth... Please feel free to keep posting... I hope you'll find us helpful... -Lisa

Hi Gary & Kim, Welcome, welcome, welcome to the forum!!! I was kind of nervous about the recommendation letters - I just felt weird asking people to write them for us - as it turned out, this was one of my favorite parts because our friends wrote the most beautiful & touching letters and I just cried and cried when I read them - thanks for giving me an excuse to pull them back out again to re-read them. (By the way, my friends were all too happy to write them (I was just afraid they'd be so busy with things going on in their lives, etc and they wrote them super quick for us...all within about a week of my request! ) Okay, I'm probably repeating alot of what FeelingBlessed said but anyway...here's what my friends wrote in theirs... How long we've known each other How we met/how they know us (i.e. the nature of our relationship - through work, friends, etc) Why they think we would be good parents (how we've been around their children, how they've seen us behave toward each other, their knowledge of our desire to become parents, etc) And just some other information they provided about our character, personalities, and homelife. -Lisa If you think of any other questions - feel free to throw them out here....this part is so exciting for those of us who have gone through it!!! At least for me, I can say I really enjoy re-living all of this through someone else's experiences (the nervousness, the excitement, the anticipation of what's to come...) and reading your posts brings back memories that I otherwise don't think of on a regular basis because I get so caught up in what's going on now with Kayleigh (she turned 1 on December 5th). Back when I was asking questions on here right and left, others said the same thing so I don't think I'm the only one here who has fun trying to offer advice and help too because of all the memories of our own experiences it brings back. Best wishes to you!!! It's not if, but when!!!

I have to agree with you there. I remember before Kayleigh arrived talking on the phone to an Abrazo mom and it was early in our process and I told her that one of my biggest concerns was how much it was going to cost - or actually, it was the not knowing how much it was going to end up costing that scared us. We fortunately did have a savings account but still...anyway - she basically told me the same thing you just said - the money part just totally won't even matter once that day comes - you'll do whatever you have to do to make it happen because it's worth it a million times over. I kept thinking, "but what about having savings for college for our baby, what about being able to take vacations, what about..." Anyway, we were fortunate enough to not have to borrow money to cover the expenses associated with Kayleigh's adoption but we would have done if we would have needed to. I didn't understand that until that moment came when I thought we might have to - there was a point when we were given wrong information by Lance's employer regarding insurance coverage for Kayleigh (so folks - that little insurance coverage verification thing that Abrazo gives you in your initial packet - BE SURE YOU SEND IT TO YOUR INSURANCE COMPANY & GET IT BACK FROM THEM!! ) - we were told that our insurance wouldn't cover Kayleigh until the adoption was finalized - finalized as in 6ish months. And Kayleigh was in the NICU (neo-natal intensive care unit @ $1,000+ per day if nothing went wrong) with no idea of when she'd be out. At that moment though - both Lance & myself were willing to do ANYTHING (as long as it was legal of course) to make sure that this adoption happened - finances were not going to get in the way. They then came back and said she was covered from placement which helped us both gain a sigh of relief. I will say though....ensure you have access to finances in an amount more than you think you will need. Budget things on the high side (At Orientation, Abrazo gave our group some estimates given various circumstances regarding birthmother's insurance/medicaid coverage, living expenses, etc.....make sure when you're planning things that you take into consideration every possible expense you can think of and then add a bit more...just in case.) I'm not saying this to scare you or anything - chances are, things will go as they normally do and there won't be extraordinary expenses (i.e. legal, medical, etc) but just in case - those hours when you get the call and you're getting everything ready, etc - are not a time when you need to worry about how you're going to handle something extra if it's come up... So my advice is that you're on the right track Lisa - you're preparing early and getting all your ducks in a row and even if it means having to wait a bit longer...in the long run, you'll be glad you pulled everything together ahead of time and if you end up with left-over - that's not a problem. -Lisa

Hi Karen, I just wanted to say - that is BEAUTIFUL!! It is people like you - with that type of attitude - who reinforce to me that adoptive parents and birthparents are not on opposing sides - for a really long time - I felt this way (before I became an adoptive parent myself - back when I saw things just from the birthparents' point of view). My feelings toward adoptive parents were always that they felt as though they were better than the birth parents...better suited at raising my birth-daughter (well, I guess in some respects...they were/are or else I wouldn't have decided to place her for adoption)...anyway - I just felt they had this condescending view toward birthparents and that their interest was about my baby...not so much about me (like they kind of forgot the part I played in everything once they took her home). Anyway - through the positive posts from so many loving, genuine, & honest parents on this forum...and from some hand-holding & reassurance from Elizabeth - I accept that my feelings aren't totally justified (however! I have run into some people who are parents through adoption and they do actually fit the stereo-type I had... )...also, just knowing how I feel about Kayleigh's birthmother (I totally get that protective thing - I've never even met or spoken to her and I find myself wondering if she's okay and wishing there was something I could do for her and wishing and praying that noone hurts her emotionally (good grief, she's had enough pain to last her for the rest of her life after what she went through to place Kayleigh) or any other way)...I know that there are lots of adoptive parents out there who have the very best intentions and don't view their birthparents as just a way of completing their family...rather they feel fortunate to have been brought together with these people who they may have never met otherwise and who they share a very important (actually...the MOST important) thing with - their love for their child. Anyway - your post really gave me a good feeling about adoptive parents overall...thanks for that! -Lisa

Hi Laura, I think there are a lot of people who have either adopted in an open adoption relationship or in the process of adopting in an open adoption relationship who have had fears and doubts as to whether or not this was a relationship they could really make a commitment to. Sometimes, after educating oneself on what open adoption is all about (either through joining an adoption support group and discussing with others involved in an open adoption or through reading books about open adoption or seeing movies, etc or even logging on and reading through posts from us)....one realizes that there are just too many benefits of an open adoption to let a little worry get in the way and they find themselves embracing and even wanting an open adoption. I was actually a bit on the hesitant side when Lance and I first began our adoption journey. I remember filling out the initial paperwork that Abrazo sent us and saying, "sure, I'm all for an open adoption - we'll be glad to meet the birthmother and birthfather and share the pregnancy with them, etc and even have minimal contact with them after they place their baby with us (i.e. we'll send them pictures and videos and Christmas cards) and someday, when our child is old enough - we'll tell them all about their birthparents and even let them have some contact if our child decides that's what they want". I seriously said those types of things - I thought that's what open adoption was - when the adoptive parents and birthparents meet each other and have contact. It didn't take me long to realize (mainly through Elizabeth's patient explanations of why open adoption is so important) that there is so much more to an open adoption than contact. My interpretation is that it's about building a relationship with these people who will ALWAYS share a connection with the child that is your son or daughter. Some connections are stronger than others but ultimately - there is a connection there and the reason why you want to make a commitment to these people to always be open to be a part of their lives and them a part of yours is because 9 times out of 10 - your child is going to need to know where they came from, who they were born to, what is their heritage, what are their birthmother and birthfather like and do they share any similarities...even something as simple as wanting to know where their feet came from or their nose or eyes.... You want to make sure that you've created an environment for your child where they feel comfortable talking about and talking to their birthfamily - I don't think a semi-open adoption accomplishes this. I'm not saying you shouldn't proceed with a semi-adoption if in fact that's the most you're ever comfortable with (because I think it's a real shame when someone makes an empty promise to have an open adoption in order to adopt a baby (because that's what a birthparent wants to hear) then after all is said and done - they aren't able to keep that commitment and then you've basically betrayed a very special person which hurts an incredible amount - it's better (in my opinion) to work with an agency who do semi-open adoptions where the birthparents are very aware that the adoption will be that type of adoption so their expectations are in line with what they will have following the placement...that's not to say that a day or a week or a month or even years after the placement, they won't have regrets on that type of placement and wish that they were more a part of their child's life and could be available to them). Abrazo's adoptions are always open - at least that's the intention but in the event that a birthparent decides they're more comfortable with a closed adoption - Abrazo won't turn them away (our daughter's birthmother wasn't comfortable initially with an open adoption (still isn't) so Kayleigh's adoption is sort of open and closed - open because we so badly want contact with her and would love to be able to have a relationship with her (other than just through my imagination) - we've left things completely open on our end and at her request - all the updates, photos, etc are sent to Abrazo so should she (actually, "when" she) decides she is ready - it's all there and we're merely a phone call or letter away. I never in a million years imagined how important it would be for me to have that kind of an adoption (open) but once Kayleigh arrived and especially once she came home - I found myself longing so much to be able to talk to her birthmother and tell her all the things Kayleigh does and would have loved to have asked her questions about her baby years, etc. Anyway - you certainly haven't offended me by posing your question and also your concerns - you're being honest and that's really important - keep an open mind and keep reading and talking and try to find a support group in your area where you could maybe even meet some couples who have open adoptions (check out Resolve's website - they have some adoption resources - www.resolve.org) and you never know - you may realize that it's really a fear of the unknown that may be holding you back right now - I can tell you though that a closed adoption is just really not an ideal situation. I placed my daughter for adoption nearly 15 years ago in a closed adoption (not because of my desire to have privacy - it was because that's just how things were done for the most part back then) and it's taken me years to resolve some of the feelings I have about that. And now that my birth-daughter is a teen-ager - I just can't help but wonder how she's dealing with everything - knowing very little about me and her birthfather (non-identifying information which "ain't" much...). I've never wanted to intrude on their lives or their role as parents - it's hard for me to describe exactly what kind of role I do want to have in her life - it's that of a birthmother - there's really no other way to describe it....Anyway, hopefully someday she'll choose to find me and I can come back and tell you all how the closed thing went on her end......I know from my perspective, if I had it all to over again - I would have done it a lot differently...for her sake. Keep the posts coming..... Lisa

Welcome Peterecters!! Here's wishing you all a fabulous holiday season...this time last year, I remember posting a little post saying something about wondering whether or not this would be our last Christmas where I put the tree up without the pitter patter of little feet........Well, this year...I'm trying to decide if I CAN put a tree up with the pitter patter of a 1 year old toddling about and exploring EVERYTHING she can get her hands on. So...just think...this time next year - you will probably have 1 additional place setting at your dinner table on Thanksgiving and Christmas!! By the way - I'd love to know how y'all came up with your group's name......? I take it someone's husband is named Peter? Please introduce yourselves if you get the chance - there's a topic under Joyous Journeys called, "Which/When Orientation Were you In?" Happy Holidays!! Lisa

As Thanksgiving approaches...I begin to think of all the things I'm thankful for - and I have SOOOO much to be thankful for...especially this Thanksgiving. Anyway, while trying to fall asleep last night - I began thinking of just how fortunate I am to have so much - to have a loving husband (who I pretty much haven't seen for 3 weeks until last night because of either Kayleigh and I travelling or him travelling) who is a wonderful, loving father.....I have a daughter who I love and treasure more than anything in this world and she is just perfect and dear in every single way....I have my health and my family is healthy...I am surrounded by wonderful friends who I know would be there for me should the need ever arise. I have food, shelter, clothing (oh boy, and does my little angel ever have clothing....yes, well...that's another topic...). I am just so thankful for being so blessed in so many wonderful ways - I have more than I could have ever hoped for and I just hope I demonstrate to those I love and to the One who has made all this possible for me just how much I appreciate all the blessings in my life. So - not to sound corny or anything but I just thought I'd take the opportunity to open this up to anyone else who feels the need to express thanks for things they are blessed to have....Thanksgiving is less than a week away (is anyone else just dumbfounded by this? I have no idea where September and October went...it seems like all of a sudden Thanksgiving is just here). -Lisa

Melissa, Consider it done....your birthmother and her family and especially her brother will surely be in our thoughts and prayers today and the days that follow. May he continue to heal and improve and most of all.....go home. -Lisa

Hi Lisa M, I just wanted to wish you a huge welcome to the forum and for coming out of "lurkville" (how cute is that term?). I'm Lisa C (proudly known as Kayleigh's mommy) and I can't tell you how much I related to your introduction - soooo similar to how things went with us - I was extremely disappointed that we didn't get pregnant on our last ivf attempt but didn't cry, wasn't surprised and was actually relieved that I could then start the adoption process! My almost 1 year old (she turns 1 in December) is awake though at the moment so I'm kind of limited on how much I can type (she's now throwing the cheerios on the floor from her high chair and giving me some not so happy looks) but I'll be back to post some more when she's napping. I just wanted to let you know that it's not if, but when - that is your mantra from this day forward. You will be a mommy before you know it - it may seem like an eternity away right now but it isn't - it all happens so marvelously quickly!! Please keep posting and my best advice to you at the moment is to start SHOPPING!! That was my therapy during the wait - it helped made everything seem more real to me and when Kayleigh arrived (with less than 24 hours notice, might I add) - I had just about everything I needed!! Do a little reading (I recommend the library first) on open adoption (there's a book list somewhere on here - one book I can think of offhand is Dear Birthmother, if I have a chance, I'll try to find where that booklist is). And most of all - remember! It's not if, but when! Get ready - and enjoy your psycological pregnancy. (I don't think I spelled psychological right, sorry about that). Welcome, welcome, welcome!!! Lisa

Hi Christine!! I began working on our profile before going to Orientation - I probably spent every night (I worked full-time at the time) working on it for 2 weeks and brought it with me to Orientation (I too am very, very long-winded and the biggest challenge for me was making it brief and fit on the max number of pages Abrazo allows (I think it's either 6 or 8, I can't remember). Anyway - I took it with me and April and Kelly gave me some fabulous feedback (very honest) and as soon as we arrived home, I re-did it completely and was much happier with it. I don't think it was a waste of time at all though to have that first one - the feedback was invaluable (think about how many profiles Abrazo sees - they know what works and what doesn't so if you have something for them to look at ahead of time - they can tell you right then and there if you're on the right track and it's better to find out then than several months later when your profile isn't getting much interest. (See - look how long it took me just to tell you that I think bringing a rough draft with you is a good idea? Boy, you don't know how hard it was for me to fit my little schpill on the papers and still have room for photos, argh!! ) And just a tip - use Fed-ex or UPS when sending stuff to Abrazo - I always did - you can even do it 2 day and save a little $$. I know it seems pricey to do that but that way, you know they get it quicker (and believe me, you'll always be sending them something you're in a hurry for them to get - and the money you spend sending it that way will pay for itself because you won't be worrying and wondering if they have it yet or if it's lost in the mail) and you'll have a tracking number, etc. I set up an account with UPS and sent everything to them that way. And welcome to the forum again!! I'm glad you're posting and keep us all posted on how things are going. Lisa

Hi Veronica!! Welcome to the forum. Let's see - I'm trying to remember if I remember all the steps...it hasn't been so long ago for us but long enough for it to start to seem blurry to me now so my apologies if I don't get everything correct. We sent our inquiry in to Abrazo in July 2002. We were contacted by them shortly after and discussed some of the concerns I had regarding open adoption and a few other things. Then, we decided (Abrazo and my husband & myself) that this was a good fit (meaning the kind of agency Abrazo is and the kind of parents we were hoping to be and our feelings regarding adoption, etc) and we were invited to their Orientation in August 2002. We attended the Orientation along with 8 or 9 other couples and had a fabulous weekend!!! One I'll never, ever forget. We went home, finished up our profile (I'd already been working on it), sent it in, got with our homestudy person and got that ball rolling and then - we started talking to birthparents. On December 6, 2002 - we received a call from Abrazo about a baby girl who had been born the day before - that little girl turned out to be our daughter and she came home with us and we're living happily ever after! We finalized our adoption July 25 of this year - Kayleigh will be 11 months old in November. Now, there's quite a bit of other stuff that goes along with that stuff - lots of paperwork, some homework, some reading material, etc but that's kind of the outline of the process. I told someone once, it will take longer than you want it to but sooner than you expect. Keep us posted and please feel free to ask any questions at all you think of. Sometimes this board is hard to navigate so don't worry about whether someone has already asked the question, ask away and I'm sure you'll get plenty of responses. I could speak volumes on my experience with Abrazo though - they are absolutely without a doubt the most wonderful group of people to work with and to know - I feel so fortunate to be a part of their family - it was a wonderful experience and all because of those Abrazo angels you hear us all talking about all the time. Best wishes!! Lisa

Woohoo!! Congratulations Lisa & Jim! You Abrazados are just moving right along!! How wonderful!! Thanks so much for the update Lisa - it's always so exciting to find out who it was and how they're doing. Best wishes to you and your newest family member and also to his special birthmother - you are so, so, so fortunate to have her in your lives and to be building this special relationship together - what a blessed little guy Andrew James is!! Happy Mommying..... Lisa C.

Hi Beth, If you happen to read this - please know that you will be in our thoughts and prayers. I am a birthmother to a daughter I placed almost 15 years ago and I'm also a very very happy mother of a daughter we adopted almost a year ago. Cancer is such a scary thing - something I certainly worry about as my aunt is a breast cancer survivor. I guess my own mortality is something I worry about often - it just feels like we have so much to live for - especially our children and to watch them grow up and become parents themselves. I am praying a long, cancer free, happy, and healthy life for you my friend - I'm so glad you reached out for our prayers - we have some powerful prayering going on around here and we are the witness to miracles happening right and left. Please keep us posted on how you're doing - I'm so glad to hear you're doing well. Look to your future and see it as you want it to be - healthy, happy, and surrounded by love. Huge hugs!! Your friend, Lisa

Congratulations to all the Holiday Hopefuls and their familes. Y'all are a special Orientation group because while we were in the process of getting to know our precious baby Kayleigh (she was born Thurs, 12/5 and we were in Austin to meet her on Sat, 12/7) - y'all were in San Antonio at your Orientation. I think y'all were even there when the Abrazo angels made that call to us on Saturday to give us the wonderful news that we were indeed going to be Kayleigh's parents. And my apologies for all those interruptions - I think Elizabeth and I spoke probably every 30 minutes that weekend (well, maybe I'm exagerrating but there was so much going on - I know we spoke quite a bit!! ) Anyway - I've always felt a neat connection with you all even though I've never met or spoken with you (at least I don't think I've spoken to any of you yet) and I'm so glad to hear that you all now have your little ones with you all safe and sound. Here's to wishing you all a very Merry Christmas this year - it will be quite different from your last Christmas, that's for sure. Kayleigh came home with us to Seattle on Christmas eve so even though we were officially a family last Christmas - it was such a whirlwind and the three weeks prior to Christmas were spent in Texas - mostly in the hospital - then a few days at my mom's house before flying home on what was the best flight I've ever had in my life. So, anyway - we're looking forward to a very special Christmas this year too! Congratulations once again!! So glad to hear the wonderful news!! Lisa