Steven&Melissa

We've had a couple of things stick with us from funny misspellings. Welcome to the forum, Leslie. Please send me a private message if you have any trouble figuring out how to add your photo. Basically, if you just go to your profile, there's a black box in the top right that says "edit my profile." There are lots of options from there that you can choose to personalize your profile (including a photo for your profile page, an avatar, your location, and a signature... so we can see your name and your husband's name, and where you are in the process!) What part of the country are you from? It's such a different process when you have support and an extended family around you. The forum is great for that, so I'm glad you're here!

Welcome! What's your name? We're looking forward to cheering you on along your journey! It's really neat to look back on this thread and see who spoke up and said hello, then think about the babies they have today! Both Allie and Marae from the past few pages have sweet baby girls now! Looking forward to getting to know you better and good luck with this part of the journey! Keep posting and sharing your thoughts and feelings!

Susan... so happy to hear you were all able to get together! I'd love to hear how Joshua felt before and after the visit. I know there are many of us on the forum who have children with birthsiblings they may or may not be able to meet while they're young, but I know most of us hope and pray this might happen. I'm also interested to hear how you felt... were you able to see Joshua's features, manorisms, etc. in his birth brother and sister? Really glad this was possible!!

What!!!!! Wow, Abrazo!!!! You've been so busy! Congratulations to yet another newly-formed family and prayers for the birthparents who grieve their loss.

Oh, that gave me chills.... Congratulations to another family today... I can't believe we're seeing two baby announcements on the same day. This must have been such a painful and difficult decision for this mother, so I pray that she feels peace in her heart and that the entire birth family is able to rally together to gather strength from each other. Congratulations to this newly formed family!

Congratulations, Josh and Kara! Very excited for your new family.

What a cute title.

I'm not sure that I'd ever gone back and read this thead from the very beginning, but it touches on a subject we've discussed a lot in our family this week - amongst ourselves and including Ollie's birthmama, B. To say it's a sensitive subject is just barely scraping the surface. I know each situation is different, but we always felt sensitive to the fact that us adopting again might be hard for B. Reading this thread, I see that it's not an uncommon feeling for birthparents (especially of first-borns?) might feel very apprehensive about all the "what if's" that surround a possible upcoming adoption. I also noticed a birthparent thread called How do BPs feel about APs adopting more? that opened my eyes even more to both sides of the issue. While we know it's tough, we also realize that we were entrusted to make decisions that we felt were best for our family as a whole and most importantly the son we love SO MUCH. Yesterday was my 30th birthday and I spent the day watching Oliver play with my nephew, who is 3 months older than him. We don't get to see him often because he lives in Atlanta, but my mom had him in town for the week and we all spent the day together. Seeing Oliver's whole disposition change when he was playing with my nephew was amazing to see. I don't often get to see him at day care, though I hear he loves interaction with the other kids. Seeing him with another child and the huge smile on his face, hearing the giggles, seeing them get together to cause trouble... it was heartwarming and encouraging to say the least. So, even though we know the time will come for us to add to our family again, we don't know exactly when that will be. I am sure that it will happen, though, and I'm glad that we're walking into it with open eyes and that Ollie's birthmama is able to do the same. The conversation almost seemed a little premature to me, but I realize now that it needed to happen early because it will take time for all of us to wrap our heads around it. I have read a lot of APs saying they wanted to re-create their first situation the second time around and I've also seen in many places where the Abrazochicks say what a terrible situation that causes. But I do like hearing that oftentimes, APs are able to get the BPs together and that oftentimes, they become friends. I don't want to write the worlds longest post, but we feel so blessed that adoption hasn't just created this vacuum where it's our family, then Ollie's birthmama out there to the side, hearing updates every so often. We feel like we've created this little family unit and it's my hope that when we adopt again, we don't have these two separate family units... I hope it has the opportunity to grow and that we all look back some day and feel wiser and more supported - but most importantly, the children we welcome into our family can FEEL that we're all in this together. In the meantime, I know we're all apprehensive about what's ahead. But we're strong enough for whatever that may be - both individually and as a family. No matter who's added to our family, nothing (and no one!) will ever be subtracted.

We're all so thrilled for your family, Nicole. I know Keyheria's birthmother has found a great friendship in you that will last a lifetime. Enjoy your time in Dallas!!

Deb - I'm really excited to see you posting more! You've made some great posts... and I think this is a topic we don't talk about very much, but should! We're lucky. Our family rallied around us 100%. I don't know if it's because I'd always had a feeling I couldn't have children, so I'd always talked about adoption or because they just didn't see anything wrong with it. My immediate family would embrace a child of any race, I'm certain, but I have often wondered about some of our more extended family. Racial divides are fairly strong in the mid-south and there's a lot of prejudice to get over. I believe that with every generation that passes, we get further away from the animosity black people and white people feel toward each other in the midsouth. We, ourselves, battle whether or not we feel it's "fair" to adopt a black child, though I can tell you that my mind opens up to it more and more every day when I think about what we CAN provide vs. what we CAN'T. In the end, I know it's funny because God has a plan and He laughs at me for trying to control everything. What will be, will be. I hope our son's birthmama, B, will respond too because I know she's heard the same thing we've heard many times when it comes to open adoption: "well, won't she want him back?!" Of course, B's heard "aren't they afraid you'll want him back?!" I know we both give the same reaction to that question. I think that is most people's "fear" though. Openness isn't the norm, either, as it relates to adoption in popular media and conversation. I think that's changing some, though, or maybe that's just my perception because of our situation and influences. I'm still baffled when I hear of someone who's adopted and is parenting a child who is fearful of a birthparent knowing where they live or something. I understand there may be very specific special circumstances where an adoptive family should fear for a child's safety (like a child being taken from a family because of severe abuse, etc) but otherwise....???? I just don't get it. Anyway, I think our families - those of the adoptive family's and those of the birth family's - think open adoption seems totally foreign at first. Even a few months in, some of our extended family and even close friends didn't quite get it. But chip away slowly... that's the best advice I can give. And if they weren't believers at the beginning, they will be once they see the amazing benefits to openness. I do wonder how family opposition factors into expectant/birth parent choices (choosing adoption at all, choosing open vs. closed, opposition to staying in touch or level of involvement, etc.).

Laurie - we're so glad you're here, too! This week has brought us some very important perspective to the forum... my son's birthmama, Bianca, and you as well! It's a point of view we don't hear nearly enough, so I hope you'll really make yourself at home and post often. We're excited to have you and we'll all keep you and a hopeful reunion with your son in our prayers!

I have chills all over after reading Laura's post! Nicole - I hope you'll reach out to Laura as you make this transition if you need special help! The news of this placement makes me so very happy. God had a plan and it wasn't for a little Turnis boy!!! Congratulations to your newly expanded family and big prayers for everyone who loves your sweet girl.

I couldn't agree more. I'm trying to be a good listener, too. Our thoughts right now are that we'll be sending in some paperwork to Abrazo next spring. I feel good about being ready at that point. Ollie turns 2 in September and Steven finishes his Master's in December and we're hoping to move in the spring... all I know is that there's no use wasting too much time thinking about it. God's going to make sure our baby doesn't miss us, whether I'm busy making plans or not.

Bumping up this topic for our newer PIW... One great thing about this forum is that we learn so much about being good adoptive parents and being good friends to our childrens' birth families. It also, hopefully, helps us along the pre-placement path by giving us insights that open our minds. This thread has a lot of information within it's two short pages! A couple of my biggest take-aways that have stuck with me since 2 years ago when I first read this topic were: 1) not calling expectant mothers "birth mothers" before they've placed their child (and the emotional/psychological detriment it causes to do that) and 2) not saying "our birth parents." There's also a really moving exchange between Karen, Jada and Krystal about positive adoption language and both-sides-of-the-fence feelings within this thread as well. Lots to be learned from that exchange.

Reviving this old thread. I have to assume a lot of prospective adoptive parents (and maybe expectant/birth parents?) take a look at this thread when considering Abrazo or when considering whether or not working with an agency that supports open adoptions is right for their family. I noticed a Guest was on here today checking out this thread, so I thought the topic deserved a refresh. There is also a newer thread, specific to clients who chose Abrazo, called: What Made You Pick Abrazo? There are also a few threads here on the forum for expectant/birth familes considering open adoption, though none consolidate referrals from birth parents who worked with Abrazo. Reading these threads and seeing the information offered by Abrazo staff and birthmothers might help those considering Abrazo as their agency: Finding an Agency, Looking for the Right Parents for Your Baby?, Selecting the right family for your baby, Resources for Dealing with an Unplanned Pregnancy, and What is Open Adoption?. While being "perfect" is impossible, my biggest concerns were addressed with Abrazo. There were a few top things on my list that we considered as we researched agencies. We ultimately chose Abrazo. * I wanted an agency that was ethical (in numerous ways, including the legality of their practices, but also how expectant/birth parents were treated and how all members of the triad were counseled). * I was looking for a community that helped me network with other adoptive families so that my son could grow up with friends who had similar stories, which I definitely found here. * I also wanted an agency that always kept the child of the adoption in mind first. While adoptive parents may think "we're the client, we're paying money," none of that matters. It's what's in the best interest of the child who's in need. I think, along the way, parents-in-waiting may get their egos a little bruised. There is a steep learning curve in open adoption and I think you get a few bumps and bruises along the way. All I can say is that I'm a better mother for those bumps and bruises and I'm a MUCH better friend to our son's birthmama. I wouldn't have it any other way. * Most of all... I wanted an agency that 100% believed in why OPEN adoptions were important and would help us honor our promises. From our son's birthmama's perspective, she appreciated the genuine friendship Abrazo provided (and still provides) to her. It's very obvious that they're not going to persuade an expectant/birth mother to do anything she isn't comfortable with. There is a huge peace that comes with knowing that the agency we used supported our son's birthmama no matter what decision she made and allowed her to make her own decision about what was best for her son, without any coersion or manipulations. I do think it's fake to get onto any rating site or this forum and say that everything was perfect. I don't think anyone's journey with any agency is. And if it is, I have to say that would be the red flag for me. Because if the ride is totally smooth and you don't feel a little wounded along the way, then something went wrong and it's either your child or your child's birth family who took the brunt. Open adoption is a rollercoaster and it's not for the weak of heart or character. But if the most important things to you are some of what I listed above, I'd say you've found a good agency for you.

Recently, everyone who's asked me about Abrazo has been a single, professional woman. I don't know whether they're infertile or not... and I know Abrazo works with single women... but does that single woman have to be infertile to be a part of the full service program?

Old topic... but I'm so eager to find out what ever happened with this story. I sure hope SMR is living a great life some 8+ years later and made a plan that worked out well for her baby, whatever it may have been. This was a really interesting (short!) thread to read from a teen expectant mother's perspective.

Very emotional story... I wonder sometimes about the moment when expectant mothers first think about adoption. What is that one defining moment like? I know this birthmother says that it was like the fog cleared out of the room, but I wonder if most expectant mothers feel peace or panic? I know this woman also feared for her child's life, so an adoption plan was a selfless act in many ways... because she was keeping him safe and because she felt another family was right for his upbringing. Some of the comments to this story reinforce how different peoples' mindsets are about adoption in general. Some are really disheartening. I hate when I read stories like these and people say "the baby would have been better off with his mother... not adoptive mother... but MOTHER." I'm sure birthparents feel a sting when comments like these are made with the opposite connotation. Many things make a mother, by definition... and that's why I feel I rightfully share that title with my son's birthmother, but it still stings to hear someone insinuate that I'm not my child's mother. I know it kills me when people say that a child doesn't "belong to" adoptive parents... no, he is mine. He's MY son and I'm HIS mother. He's also blessed to have a birthmother who loves him very much who sacrificed a lot of heartache to bring him into this world. Neither role should be diminished. Good for this woman for making a caring plan for her child. I didn't read where this was an open adoption, but maybe I missed something? At the end, I saw where the APs were open and willing for phone chats, exchanging photos, etc. I hope this brings everyone peace down the road. Thanks for the link, E.

What awful news.... prayers for this family.

Oh, goodness... God must be feeling dizzy with everything that comes out of my mouth lately. I can just hear "Lady - MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!" We were sitting around this weekend and we actually talked about "what if" Oliver was our only? What if we didn't go back? There were lots of pros and cons, but the biggest pro was that we could focus solely on Ollie's birthmama. But Oliver was made to be a big brother. He LOVES other children and he's so nurturing. I don't know... maybe a week after he was born (?)... I started thinking about baby #2. Seriously?? It never strays far from my mind. I live vicariously through PIW and get so excited to follow their journeys (this is probably why I'm so pushy about sharing!) and I often wonder how we'll know it's the right time for baby 2. I feel gentle nudges sometimes, though. I start talking to God about feeling so "sure" of when we'll go around again and then something gently pushes us one way or another and I remember that I just need to keep my heart open and go with the flow. Adoption has turned me into a whole different person. I don't try to plan as much as I used to. I make hypothetical plans, but they're only meant to allow us to see how we feel about different things, figure out obstacles, make educated decisions, etc. But I never say "This is what we're going to do!" much anymore. I know how quickly something can happen around these parts and so we just choose to stay flexible. That absolute yearning for another baby doesn't really get too far from my mind, though, and I often wonder how I'll feel when we've decided our family is complete. Will I feel sad and upset or will I feel complete? Does that "we want more" feeling ever really go away or does everybody leave the door slightly cracked for "what if"?

I wish we could find a church like yours, Hannah! The church we're at now is just huge... and while the anonymity is something I love about it, it's also something I don't love if that makes sense. It's not a community like smaller churches are, but the anonymity makes Steven much more comfortable. I think we'll eventually look for a smaller church as we grow our family to add more diversity and a more hands-on experience.