karen&scott

I really believe this to be true, knowing sometimes (our) actions speak louder than words. So excited about your good news, reconnecting with Tasia's Birthfather. Karen

Happy New Year Gram Sharron... Abigail and Shaun (and your parents too)!!!! Your love of life is contagious...please continue sharing with all of us!!!! Karen

It's times like this, I wish Abrazo already had "the Abrazo children's video" available, showing and teaching open adoption from the child's point of view, that can be shared within families and in classrooms and churches across America. It's in the works, but not soon enough for me (and others) who really care about sharing with other's how full and loving "open adoption" relationships can be, not only for our children... but for all of us who love them so... with open hearts and loving intentions. Let's turn some of these toxic people around, together! Karen

Tina, First of all, your family is sacred, your personal life and your decisions should be respected as such. It's hard to enlighten the ignorant, sometimes. Adoption is not about living in Fear! (which is why open adoption really works for your family.) Karen ps. Good luck in trying to be supportive of parents/folks that do not see the world from their child's point of view.

And to know this precious baby boy is with his forever family... the ones who needed him most! What a beautiful beginning! Loving prayers to his Birthmom, who can take comfort in knowing this forevermore.

Exactly! Karen! How wonderful! I hope you'll let us know how it goes and get lots of pictures! Jean, I do agree, someone is monitoring this forum from above! Andrea, thanks for asking how it went. It was a short but sweet visit. Kathy and family came by to see the girls and leave a Christmas present under the tree for each. I know this was not an easy visit for Kathy, as they have been struggling to make ends meet. Which is why I was so surprised when Amanda said they were headed our way today. I also know they had other (just as important) reasons to not use up gas money for traveling, however it warmed our hearts to know that we were important enough. And they found a way! Amanda is so proud to have a present under the tree from her Birthmom. Karen

Oh GOSH!!! We are so excited! Amanda got a very important call today from Kathy (her Birthmom), she is driving down (right now) to see us. This is the FIRST Christmas we will be together!!! I feel bad for posting what I did yesterday, when today everything feels so right! What a difference a day can make! Karen

This is the kind of moment I long for...even though we have contact with our children's birthfamilies, it is always initiated by us. So happy to hear your joy. Karen

I agree John, it's done in many different ways, poisening the children (and adults) in it's path. And it's wrong! So many adoptees (even adult ones) and children of divorce are living with betrayal issues. To love one is okay but to love both is not okay or at least not in front of the other. I do believe that damage is done when we do not respect ALL the important people in our child's life, whether or not we live under the same roof. Thanks for sharing your perspective. Karen

This is a good topic...because I think about this "stuff" everyday. I am interested in hearing how other families solve these issues. Another spin on this...How do we as parents effectively role model for our children, when everything we do looks too easy, to them? For instance, I work part-time and make a decent salary, so it looks like I am home all the time because I do not have to go into the office everyday. I am always home when the girls get home from school. Sounds perfect, right? The problem is I make working "outside the home" look too easy, never mind that it took 20 years to get this kind of job, my children never saw that part. My children do not hear about financial struggles within our home, as we live very much below our means, which is how we prefer to live. I recycle their clothes by taking the barely used or worn items to the resale shop regularly, putting this small income into their savings accounts. I donate regularly... otherwise my house would be overrun by things! (Not so much purchased by us, more so by well-meaning friends and family.) I wonder how I can do more to help others, and more importantly for my children to know about helping others. It's not just about "things". Lending a helping hand, being neighborly, genuine concern for others is more important to me. It's funny, before kids, we had always strived to build a secure life, live in a nice home, make sound financial decisions, find the best job-with time left to do other things, like vacations etc. Alot of our initial goals were already accomplished by the time we had kids. Now my concern is more about how our life is perceived by our children. Are they/we thankful enough? Do they see us working hard enough? Are we adequately preparing our children for the struggles that lay before them (soon), their first job? earning a paycheck? working long hours? doing whatever it takes? setting goals and working towards them? We talk about the price of gas and groceries...but does it affect them in anyway, yet? At the same time, we have earned the right to do as we please, to buy things that please us, to share with friends and family, take vacations, go to the bookstore every Saturday, go to Chick-fi-la on Monday nights, etc. Is there a bigger cost to the things we choose to do? Karen

Laural, your post brings to mind so many thoughts. I think there are parents that Can Not and/or Choose Not to live in the "here and now" sharing an existence with their child's birthfamily, whether in reality, in their minds or in their hearts. And think it's perfectly fine to have their child feel the same way. These parents are limited by their own insecurities and a need to elevate themselves (which no parent should ever feel is needed) in their child's mind, which could be part of the reason it's okay to talk about birthfamily as long as it's negative. It's emotional cruelty, in my opinion. (Sorry to be so harsh.) How sad for these children, whose reality is they got removed from their first home (and first country) and placed into another, through adoption. Where's the compassion? for the children? for the birthfamily that is without, on many levels? Maybe you would consider writing your cousin a letter, letting her know how her negative attitude toward birthparents, is potentially poisoning the ones she loves the most, her children. I share your concern. Karen

Praying for these two Angels... as well as others who are in need... Karen

Please light a candle for anyone needing our prayers. Karen

Karen, your whole family is in my prayers. Karen

Time is on everyone's side... Welcome precious baby boy! Congratulations to the newest big sisters too! Many prayers tonight.

This is a loss they will share together, and even though the daughter's Birthmom (your Aunt) is already gone, look at all the birthfamily she did find, all life connections to her Birthmom. How wonderful for grandma to see a beautiful reflection of her daughter through the granddaughter she never knew about until now. Many adoptive parents do not realize what a gift they are able to give their child by way of blessing (approval and support) any search and reunion of their child's birth relatives. Because even if child is not ready to search until after their parents are no longer here, they are able to go forward knowing they have your unconditional blessing. No one else can give that blessing to your child. Thanks Jenny for sharing. Karen

Jada, I know I've said this before and I'd like to say it again "I am so sorry". I am glad you are able to talk about your children (and your pregnancies) now. Karen

Family tends to do that! Good for you for not getting defensive, explaining the phone call as a normal part of your (and Nathan's) life. It takes time... everything is still so new. Meeting "C" and/or talking with her (when the time is right) may ease some fears. Karen

Yes, this is how it happened with our second adoption. We spoke with Lexi's Birthmom while she was still in the hospital after delivering the most precious little girl in the world. I was so nervous about calling and talking with a Mom that had just given birth, what was I going to talk about? I am not sure what we actually talked about... but we talked and talked. I realized she needed to talk and I needed to be a good listener. Then I was alittle nervous because even though the phone call went great, I knew Elizabeth was on her way the next day with profiles (and not just ours). Now that is all a blur because I had nothing to be nervous about. This precious little baby girl is our Lexi! The connection of the heart is forever. Karen

I am looking for a special adoption prayer/poem that honors the whole triad. Anyone know where I might find it? Karen

Which brings up another question...I have often wondered if any research has been done concerning an adoptee's birth order (biologically) and their placement order (through adoption), if it's different? What I've read on this subject (regarding biological birth order) has to do with certain traits that are common and different amongst first children (the oldest), middle children, the baby of the family, etc. Does adoption change birth order traits? Nature vs Nuture? (This is just a curiosity factor for me, not an adoption issue.) Karen

Adam, What a gift you are (indirectly) giving to your mother-in-law by showing her (by your actions more than your words) that you and Beth totally embrace everything about your child, including his beginnings... and that his birthparents are not to be feared, not now and not ever. I am betting she is closely observing and most probably is (or will be) admiring your openness! In time, she will SEE for herself, through her eyes (not her ears). Karen

Adam, Sometimes adoptees fear what they themselves do not have...Grandpa Bruce was much like that too. Now (as you know) his perspective is much different.) Karen

Hi Andy, Sometimes our childs' grandparents need to understand (like we do) that we are not raising someone else's child...only to be reclaimed later by their birthparents. We, as parents, know our children are exactly where they are mean't to be... by their birthparents' blessing at placement - either by direct contact or indirectly through Abrazo. Our child's birthparents want us to raise our child as our own... and when we do there is no need to fear them or open adoption. It does take time...grandparents sometimes have to see it to believe it... since most of them were not present for the actual miracle of placement or able to witness the bond of trust that is built through open adoption. Too many fears can overshadow the simplicity of open adoption. In the beginning, my Mom used to look over the pictures I would send to our daughter's birthmom, she would say things like...maybe that's too many photos or look at that one-it is too cute, that one might hurt her too much to see...HELLO????? The good news is my Mom really really does understand now...I have faith your Mom will too! Karen

The only thing I can add to this discussion is... my oldest daughter Amanda has a terrible time with things that are not true, such as the tooth fairy and santa claus. She absolutely needed to know the truth (at a young age). Somehow it scared her- to think about or to pretend to believe in something that is not true. She went so far as to tell us we lied to her about believing in something/someone that wasn't real. Of course her sensitivities are more intense than most children. She also watches the early news most nights because she has to know what real life stuff is going on in the world. She talks to her teachers about current events, news stories, weather and the price of gas, when other kids do not know what she is talking about. Of course her news time and tv time is limited and carefully monitored. Karen