karen&scott

I looked it up too and was surprised to find this word existed, however the definition needs to be expanded to include a legal parent, though not by origin. So my children do not inherit my DNA but they inherit my heart (and everything I have in this world)! It works for me. I also think it's good to use "natural parents" interchangeably with birthparents so that our children hear the work natural, because most assuredly they are perfectly natural too! (But I am not sure this is looked upon as positive adoption language?) Any newbies have any opinions on this subject? Karen

One of the things that bothers me about disgruntled adults who were once adopted, is that they may not take into account that their birthparents may have had another option which may have been considered, the other "A" word. And after weighing all their options, made a decision they could live with and their baby could live with. Maybe this is love, maybe it's not? It's all how you look at it, I guess. Why is it so far-fetched for an adult adoptee like Laurel to come to the realization that just maybe her birthmother does love her, even if her placement decision goes contrary to Laurel's way of thinking? And in the case of rape or incest and the subsequent decision to place, is love automatically out of the equation just because of the circumstances surrounding the pregnancy? Karen

I completely agree. At first I thought "Oh no, here we go again" and then I tried to look at it from all perspectives, without my emotions as best I can. Then, it wasn't so bad to hear some of these labels. For some reason, natural parent doesn't bother me anymore, because at least when you say it, everyone knows you mean biological connection (through the course of nature). Of course I say this while feeling like I, too, am a natural (nurtural? not sure this is a word but maybe it could be) parent by adoption (through the course nurture). Anyway, I do not feel like an un-natural parent by using this label when referring to my child's birthparent. I am not sure what has changed for me. Always striving to find and use the most gracious adoption language too. Karen

Given that many mental health issues in children and adults are never diagnosed, for different reasons, that information obviously could not be passed on with their offspring to the adopting parents, if it's unknown. However the blueprint may be there genetically. You're right, there are no guarantees. What happens when your mentally healthy child takes a detour, about the time of puberty? You certainly don't think of returning your child. This is life, you deal with it. Donna, I really like when you say you wanted to be parents so badly that health issues of a birthparent did not set you back. There are many who want to be parents, only under certain conditions. The truth is ... this is rarely controllable. Conditions can and do change. So many adoptions are done with very little medical information. Is it better to know or not know? As scary as it is to read this birthmother's struggles, at least whomever adopts this baby will have some knowledge about what possibilities might be in their future. Instead of blindly taking your mentally unhealthy adolescent child, who was always just fine before, to Dr after Dr. trying to figure out what is wrong. The parents with this much knowledge will be better prepared and not lose time in getting the help their child/family may need. Karen

This nursery note breaks my heart. This dear Birthmother did not stand a chance, given her environment, to get the kind of help she really needed(s), for herself. Mental health issues require a management team, stable family, good health care, lots of compassion...to oversee medication, whether they are working or not; therapy, whether or not the therapist is a good fit or not; lots of patience and understanding because this is an illness you cannot see from the outside. There are good Dr.'s and there is good accessable public educational options such as special ed which can provide additional help for your child, if needed. However it takes all of this and more to give any child stuggling with these kinds of issues the chance to feel normal. A parent must become an advocate for their child, all the while maintaining and balancing other needs within the family and marraige. Not impossible but may feel that way at times. Love and a healthy environment is a good start, definitely a foundation which can be relied upon by any child, something this birthmother did not have (sadly). However, be ready and willing to seek outside professional help if and when the need becomes apparent... start building a management team as early as possible to oversee your child into adulthood, so that maybe one day he/she can have a family of their own and be a healthy parent, despite their illness. Karen

Mari, I hope one day you and your daughter DO come to Camp Abrazo. I would love to meet you! I know what you mean about getting back into a routine, looking forward to school starting too. Sounds like things have been okay for you and Lauranda lately. I am glad. Hugs, Karen

Rejoicing with this newly joined family and the arrival of one very loved baby girl, made possible through Him. Karen

Susan, Even if the adopting family tried to argue, why would an insurance company ever consider agreeing to cover an infant before it is born, in the case of an adoption/placement which may or may not happen? I would think agreeing to be financially responsible is at the hope-to-adopting parents risk for the time period prior to relinguishment, not earlier than 48 hours after birth, since matching is all based on promises and hope. After relinguishment and signing of the entrustment papers which allows for placement, a legal responsibility is now created with this child. I guess one could argue that if placement happens, why wouldn't the insurance company go back and make coverage retro-active to the birth? Probably because they don't have to. Melissa, wow, glad to know they covered Jack. Interesting discussion. Karen

Thank you Mari, for sharing these important thoughts that you and your daughter had to wrestle with in making a placement decision, finding and trusting a family to raise your grandbaby AND keeping placement promises for a lifetime. It's alot to grasp, and all any of us have is faith, at the time. Coming from the adopting parent side, I have said before I did not feel worthy of our Blessing, this baby to call our own. Yes, I know we signed up for it and did all the required steps and so forth. But when I first saw our daughter at the hospital with her first Mom...it was a life changing moment. My daughter's birthmom asked me, "do you like her?" I was speechless, my knees went weak. She was the most beautiful baby I'd ever laid eyes on. What did our child's birthfamily see in us that we did not see in ourselves yet? She believed in us before we even knew how to change a diaper. How did she know we'd be good parents and honor our commitment to open adoption? She believed in her heart we would... And we have, to the best of our ability. Thank you Abrazo for continuing to educate us beyond placement about the importance of openness and keeping our promises. Love to you all, Karen

Thank you Elizabeth, for this reminder of the depth of a birthmother's grief, pain and loss. I think I better understand why many hearts continues to weep (including mine), even this many years after placement. Karen

Only a year... For this Blessing in the making... A baby boy (and his birthmother) needing to find his forever family... Congratulations to both families, who are now joined by the love they share with Hugo Sebastian! How precious...and timely. And a great First picture in the gallery! Looking at this picture, was there really ever a doubt? So beautiful! Karen

It's announcements like this, that keep me BELIEVING in Adoption, no matter the number of perceived set backs. Congratulations ALL...and how wonderful for Tracey and Denver for not giving up...because their son and his birthmom needed them, exactly where they are today. Hugs, Karen

Following your journey all the way, every word and every emotion! Hugs, Karen

Hugs to you Mari and Lauranda! I know journaling your daughter's pregnancy and the placement of your granddaughter is not easy, nor should it be. Please take all the time you need. I respect your thoughts, your parenting and your signs. Love, Karen

Mari, thanks for journaling this time in your, and your daughter's, life. I read every word. I have a daughter about to be 14, so you know my worries and concerns. My hope is that the heartache of this pregnancy will fade away (in time) and lead you and your daughter to peace and acceptance of the actions and choices which resulted in this pregnancy, and the beautiful life who is here... for all the right reasons. I say this because, as much as we try to use positive adoption language in our home, our child's Birthmom is not as tuned in to the sensitivities of her child and her adoption. She has said in front of our child, her pregnancy at such a young age was a mistake. My daughter interprets this as, I am a mistake. As much as I try to neutralize and explain what her Birthmom really means, I can't seem to totally make the doubt disappear in my child's mind. And so, I guess all of this to say, I appreciate your candidness and willingness to keep on learning on behalf of your daughter and your granddaughter. Thanks for helping me to keep on learning too. Karen

Dear First Grandma, I am so sorry for your loss. Thank you for posting. One of the hardest part of adoption discussions is communicating the pain and loss, when everyone seemingly wants to acknowledge the joy of the family that's been created. I hope you and your daughter find some peace and comfort in your placement decision as you watch your child/grandchild grow and thrive through open adoption. Welcome to the forum family. Karen

Limbo is a good time to spend educating yourselves about "open adoption", even when it's not your first (open) adoption. I think you're wise to be here, on this forum. There is alot of really good information, no matter which agency you ultimately sign on with. Best of luck to you! Karen

Hi Melinda and Matt, Don't panic, this is a time of self discovery, Abrazo understands that. However, do voice any and all preferences you will embrace, it can make a difference. Being upfront allows Abrazo to do what they do best. Hugs to you both! Karen

Hi Mel, Keep the faith! You've listed some important factors, openness to race and age being the biggest, which Abrazo will take into account. In the meantime, cast your worries aside, celebrate and pray for your journey because it's already begun. Hugs to you and your family! Karen

So so happy for Bill, Susan, Tasia, and Elektra! Hugs to you all. Adding a special prayer for the first families who made this union possible. Karen

I would love to be more educated about the mormon faith. Unfortunately I only hear and know of generalizations, sorry for being so ignorant. I will check here often. Thanks Suzi. Karen

Welcome Erin!! I am not aware of specific income requirements, as long as a family is able to demonstrate they have the means to take care of another child, including covering the costs associated with adopting. Check with Abrazo if you're not certain. Good Luck, I hope you find this forum helpful to your next journey. Karen

Elizabeth, I feel for this Grandma too...because I've heard she feels like her daughter is having all these children to make up for being an "only" child. Karen