karen&scott

Another absolutely adorable baby! Another wonderful family brought together by adoption! Congratulations Sandi, Scott, Skye!!! I am so glad you found one another...one thing is now certain...you are family. Karen

While I am putting it all out there... there was something else I brought with me to adoption (pre-placement), CONTROL.. I wanted to control something in my life... since I was living proof that I had no control over our infertility, I had to accept that. But adoption... that was something I thought I could control... how wrong I was. and thankfully came to realize this early on, so I could really partake in the beauty of our adoption journey. Now my first impression of Abrazo was/still is, they take care of their birthparents, first and foremost. Actually I think they do a great job for both families, it just took me longer to grasp it. When I was only worried about ME (pre-placement), I can remember thinking, hey this isn't just about birthparents, what about Me? Don't I have a say-so in My adoption journey? Fast forward 10+ years, I heard myself saying at an Abrazo Board Meeting, " please continue to take good care of our birthparents because after all that means you are taking good care of us." I sincerely feel that way. Thank you, Abrazo for allowing some of us to enter with baggage... knowing that You can lighten the load for us, down the road, when we choose to let you. Karen

Elizabeth, what happened to "the post" I was responding to? It was there, everyone, I promise. My post is probably not going to make alot of sense, oh well. Karen

Okay Elizabeth well said!!! And I agree... BUT you know I was there once (I am embarrassed to admit it). Pre-orientation... adoption to me meant a "baby" for us to parent. It was all about ME!!! I was desperate... we had failed on our own... I knew in my heart we would be good parents, so why would anyone doubt us or deny us. I filled out all the paperwork, figured out finances, jumped through the hoops, so to speak. You bet, I felt entitled. (It wasn't until after placement, for me to feel the other side of adoption, that I had entitlement issues. ) I was at the lowest point in my life when I made that first call to Abrazo. What I heard was quick placement (again sorry). There was someone on the other end of the phone that sincerely knew how I was feeling, listened patiently, did not try to overhaul my crazy thinking on that first phone call, he just answered my questions. I felt like I finally talked to someone who understood ME. That was therapy in itself. Orientation....life changing! Post-orientation...We came home so hopeful and energized. (Our parents watched us in wonderment.) We were so excited... "who would our birthparents be?" Our birthmother could be carrying our baby at this time and we do not even know each other, yet. This just fascinated me... I focused more on our birthparents than baby, that was a big change. I focused more on our birthparents than ME, an even bigger change. As it turned out, our birthmother was carrying our baby during orientation, struggling with an unplanned pregnancy, trying to find the answer, the family that she did not know, yet. It was magical... and from this point on...it has never been about ME, ever, thankfully! So, Abrazo, please continue to orientate and educate, because some of us need that extra help to get there. Thank you.

I think as parents, living with one type of arrangement that seems to be working, we fear the unknown. The unknown of what type of arrangement or relationship might we have with a second adoption. Since no two relationships are alike, we already know that it most certainly will be different, from our first adoption. I was so afraid when we decided to adopt again, that we were asking for too much, our first adoption was perfect, I thought. Was I ever wrong. It wasn't that our first adoption was not perfect, it still is, we just grew so much more with our second adoption in ways that I could not have understood... until that time. We had matured, we were confident in our role as parents already, we thought we had this adoption stuff down...until we were blessed with the second most amazing birthmom in the world. She rocked us with her strength. You see it was a totally different set of circumstances, with a different set of struggles and emotions, welding us with a unique connection for life, we were at a place that we could recognize this and deal with it much better than if she had been our first. All of this to say... instead of fearing the unknown... try embracing the unknown. (I know that is alot easier said that done.) Karen

The only other thoughts I can add to this discussion are: We, as parents, are not in control of our child's birthparents or how much openness is offered by them, and/or when, or the consistency of the openness or lack thereof. Embrace what you do know and can share with your child. Be positive by letting your child know how much you love your child's birthfamily and how much your child's birthfamily loves you. Talk about the future and how things may change, what your child wishes for and what you wish for. It makes it more concrete. Heidi, as far as your friend's scenario, I would try to not base lifelong decisions on a second child's behalf based solely on the here and now of the experience with their first child. Relationships change over time. As parents, I would always want to leave that door open, hoping down the road for the relationship with their first child's birthparents to open back up. From my experience, I try to embrace whatever parts of open adoption are available to our child, even if those same parts are not available to our other child, just yet. I feel in my heart that openness is our commitment to our children, so we just live that way. Karen

Hi Krystal, I love what it says in blue print at the bottom of your posts! How wonderful you have each other, always. Take care, Karen

"I've thought about adoption because I would like to have another child and I do not want to go through the pregnancy part again."

I really feel like I knew Mike (and Kara)... because I got to know his beautiful birthdaughter Lily Ann and her mom, while they stayed with us awaiting interstate compact approval. Mary shared lots of sweet stories with me about how terrific Lily Ann's birthparents are and how lucky she and Mike felt to have Mike and Kara in their life. I am certain Lily Ann will always know this. My prayers are with them all as they grieve the loss of a beloved family member.

Please join me for a moment of prayer... for birth-grandparents (and other birth-relatives) that will never know their daughters' struggles, the life that grew within, the choice that she so couragously made (alone) to protect others, knowing openness with them was not an option... for the birthmoms that choose open adoption for their child's life knowing it is difficult to fulfill, feeling torn between her two families, especially during the holiday season when families are mean't to be together.

Martha, I love your post. I am going to find that book. Why is it that some people feel the need to give "things" as an expression of love and some people do not feel comfortable receiving them? Karen

Thank you Webmaster! I appreciate the list of reputable organizations. Karen

Anne, I am hopeful for all the things you wish for! I liked your post, under reconnecting, and your efforts on reaching out for those dear family members. Keep us posted on your success in finding your children's family/siblings. Karen

This one is near to my heart. I have been able to witness, with my oldest daughter, how the openness we have with her birthmom and birthbrothers is so vital to Amanda's understanding of herself and her adoption. It has helped her cope with the painful realization that she was placed and her brothers were not. By her being able to know them, hug them, play with them and have a relationship, I do believe it goes a long way to healing her pain. However, it is not the same with our youngest. She too has two birthsiblings, that are close to being adults by now. They do not know about Lexi. I knew at placement that her birthmom hid her pregnancy from her family. I also know because of that, she does not want an open relationship. I did not realize as clearly as I do now how much of an impact her decisions also affect our family and Lexi's understanding of her adoption. The most painful part for us is Lexi "being a secret". She is NOT a secret, she is the most wonderful daughter in the world. My hope is, one day soon, her birthfamily to know her as we do. Karen

I was driving to work today thinking about our birthparents. I wondered if they would ever want to meet each other? Are they curious about each other? Would they feel a connection? Would it be too much? Since I have very little contact right now with either of our birthparents, I cannot ask them directly. I have always secretly dreamed of sharing a family reunion at Camp Abrazo with both sets of birthparents. In my mind that would be awesome, would they feel the same? Anyone experiencing this type of openness with both sets of birthparents together? I would love to hear from a birthparent on how they relate or bond, or not, with another set of birthparents? Karen

Not knowing your mom and speaking as an adoptive mom, I do not think you need to worry. How sweet and sensitive you are to even think that she may have a hard time with birth and delivery. I am guessing she would not want to miss one moment. You and the new grandbaby are the most important right now. Your mom will be a grandmother which is the greatest gift in the world, even she knows how lucky she is. I have already talked to my girls about the day (a long way off since my girls are 9 and 4) that I will become a grandma and how that happens. It's the cycle of life and it is so wonderful. I was not able to be at the birth of either of my girls. I look forward to the future knowing I can be there for the birth of my grandchildren. I wouldn't miss it for the world. Hopefully your mom feels the same way. Karen

Adoption is a journey in the window of our lives. It is not healthy to stay stuck. You must move on even if you are not able to be thankful for the people that helped you on your way. (It's okay.) If anger is so overwhelming in your life then it would be prudent to seek counseling. I say that not because you cannot voice your anger here on the forum ( because of course you can ) but because we are now held to a higher standard as parents. We need to be the best parents we can be and set the example, be the best role models we can be for our precious children, there is no room for hostility and anger. My kids always know when I am upset or angry and if I do not let it go (quick enough) somehow they always think I am angry at them. How it gets turned around, I do not know. But the point is I see how my anger affects them. Our behavior very much affects the people around us including those we love the most, try not to lose sight of what is important. The rest, as they say is history. Here's wishing for the brightest of tomorrow for everyone. Karen

The biggest thing we took home from orientation weekend is being able to see adoption through the eyes of birthparents. It helped put it all in perspective, it was not all about our loss (infertility), there is such a bigger picture. Knowing how a birthparent feels is invaluable when you are ready to take birthparent calls. Also something I never thought about at the time; not only do you find out everything about Abrazo and how great they are; they really get to know you and how great you are; which is so important when there is a b.o.g. You will find out at orientation what that means. Karen

Dear Scott & Michelle, I loved your post. It is also my experience as Mom, to two very precious girls, both adopted through Abrazo, that love truly comes naturally! You know what, they look like us. (Not that it was a goal of the adoption process, since obviously we had no control over it) Only our birthparents knew the right place for their babies, even before we knew. People, not in the know, actually think you can menu order a baby, it astounds me. You will start your adoption journey so much further ahead than most, because you are .....in the know. How lucky and blessed you are. Karen

I have thought about your post all day. I have felt angry that you do not want to listen to your daughter when she wants to talk about the adoption. If you think this has been hard on you, just imagine what she is going through? Your daughter has made a lifelong decision that she has to come to terms with. Sounds like maybe she is further along with accepting her adoption plan that you are. Maybe communication with the adoptive family and pictures give her great comfort and validates her decision. Who better to share this information with than you? Why do you have to feel ashamed or embarrassed? Put yourself in her shoes for just a moment. What would you want from your loved ones? Understanding...Lots of hugs...someone to share your pain. Stand up for your daughter and be proud of the decision she was able to make for her baby. To you, maybe an unplanned pregnancy is the worst thing, but truly it is not. You now have an extended family thanks to your courageous daughter. God has guided your grandbaby to a family that will not be ashamed of its beginning. You daughter will never forget her precious baby, why should you? You cannot erase the past and just move on like it never happened. Remember your daughter had lots of choices during her pregnancy including not confiding in you. She needed you then and she needs you now. Please be there for her... always. Karen

Lisa, you sound just like me as far as the cigarette smoke. The best thing I can say about orientation weekend is get ready.... it will change your life and the way you view adoption. Go with an open mind because you will hear lots of great information. Your fellow weekend buddies are not your competition. You will know this more than ever when you hear of their placements and how excited you will be for them, knowing everyone will get the right baby at the right time. The weekend is totally worth the time and expense and you may even meet some lifelong friends. Also keep in mind that you when you return back home with your dream in toe, the rest of the family (parents, friends etc.) will not be as far along as you, they need more time. It's too bad the whole extended family is not invited to orientation, it would be so much easier. I believe the orientation weekends provided the essential foundation for both of our successful adoptions. Karen

Dear Laura, I will do my best to try to help you understand about openness in adoption and how you may feel toward the birthmother of your baby. When you commit to an adoption plan and you have been matched, you will start the beginning of one of the most important relationships in your life. You will feel or become to feel closer to this person than anyone else at a time when she needs you as much as you need her. It's totally natural, you do not have to work at it, if it is mean't to be. You will feel protective of her, just as you will of your baby that is brought into the world with two lucky set of loving parents. You will feel it is okay to share your love, you will have bonded with her. Besides who will understand the way you feel about your baby better than your very courageous birthmother that will place total faith and trust in You! It's a powerful unconditional gift that cannot ever be duplicated, except maybe by another successful adoption. As you begin your life with your new baby and your loves grows and grows, that love overflows to the birthmom whether you see her or talk with her on a regular basis or not. Your birthmom should not and probably will not be someone you fear, sure you may have some irrational fears at first because it is like a dream come true and you will have to pinch yourself to make sure it's real! Your emotions will be in high gear as you try to make sense of your overwhelming joy and at the same time grieve for the huge loss that your birthmom faces for the rest of her life. Impossible, you ask? No, it is not. An adoption plan is successful when it is reinforced with good honest intentions and respectful of all placement agreements. Your baby can truly have the best of everything, which is what every parent strives for. Karen

Dear smr, It's great to hear you are talking with families. You will know, trust your gut instinct. Since you are at the beginning of a lifelong relationship, I think it's most important that you develop a friendship first. By all means ask all the questions you want to, do not be bashful. If you find a family you talk to easily, maybe you won't be as concerned about forgetting to ask questions. You will know that you will talk again and then ask. Maybe keep a journal to jot down questions or concerns as you think of them. The friendship is so so important because you may not always agree on everything but as long as you have open communication and talk about it, usually those things do not turn out to be a big deal. Good luck. Love, Karen

Dear smr, Oh gosh I don't know what to say. You are so brave while going through all of this. I am so sorry to hear about the miscarraige. Try not to feel guilty or feel like it would not have happened if you had told your mom sooner. You told your mom when you were ready. I am so glad your mom has been such great support (remember she needed time to process of all this too). Give yourself time to grieve for the unborn baby. Those feelings will be natural. Please take care of yourself. Come back to the forum whenever you feel like talking, we will be here. Love, Karen

Dear smr, I am sorry to hear that it did not go the way you had hoped. Maybe in a few days you'll be glad that you told her anyway. I think your doing your best in wanting to tell your parents and not carrying the secret anymore. You are teaching us so much about how important open communication is with our children. As a mom, I appreciate that. Consider yourself hugged. I will pray that it gets better for you soon. Love, karen