marthaj

Melissa, What a great idea!! I'll send my wish for sunny skies and lots of shoppers to make your yard sale a great success!! Hugs to Grace Ann!

Yes, Christina, "The Believers" was my orientation group, but after the first couple of years of sending Christmas cards, I just lost touch with the others! Unless these "againers" come here to the Forum to share their story, I'll just have to wait until the Abrazo Reunion to find out!!

Dear WindyCity and Melissa, I think it is a true testament to your commitment to open adoption that you would consider your birthmother's feelings before starting the adoption journey again. But I was just wondering...if the "shoe were on the other foot" as the saying goes...would your birthmother feel compelled to tell you if she were trying to get pregnant again? Or were pregnant? If she planned to parent this time...or not? Just some food for thought.... All I'm suggesting is...if your heart tells you it's time to "grow" your family, then this is what is right for you! I'm sure our hope for all our birthmothers is that they find their own happiness and achieve their dreams and heart's desires. And I'm also sure their wish for us is nothing less than that!

Melissa, Wouldn't it be wonderful if this same regional manager would meet with the company's Human Resources folks, and put a policy in writing, so that employees contemplating extended time off in the future would not have to worry about job loss? Even though they may not be compelled by law to offer FMLA, it's certainly the right thing to do!! (What about someone who needs time off to care for a sick family member? etc). So, Melissa, does this mean you'll be back in San Antonio this year as "againers" for orientation?

I once tried to explain to someone what "open" adoption meant. By pure definition, "open" simply means that all identifying information (names, addresses, etc), birthmother/father's medical history and other pertinent records are available to both the birthparents and adoptive parents. It's really what you do with that information that moves it beyond just a mere "open adoption" to an open, ongoing relationship. We have an open adoption, yes....but our birthmother chose not to continue in an open, ongoing relationship. But our hearts are certainly open to nurturing a relationship should our birthmother ever desire one.

It sounds like those birthparents were "shopping" for an agency who would be the "highest bidder"! Thanks, Elizabeth, for making sure that Abrazo follows the letter, as well as the intent and spirit, of the law.

Well, I didn't see Jennifer's post until this morning. I DID tune in to Dr Phil, but it was about 15 minutes into the show. I tuned in just in time to see the couple, named Jack and Jill, who eventually adopted a baby boy who they named Jack. I didn't realize at first it was an "update" show...when I tuned in, Dr Phil had 2 pregnant teens on, both named Amanda, who were considering Jack and Jill to adopt their babies. They were eventually chosen by the blonde teen, Amanda. (I make that distinction because the a/mom Jill was also blonde. I remember Abrazo telling us that sometimes the b/moms will look at the profiles for adoptive parents who share the same physical characteristics....like hair color, height etc. Not always, of course, but sometimes.) Then the show features Jack and Jill at the hospital with Amanda, and the cameras were there recording it all. Amanda asked Jill something like "Do you want to hold him? You're his mom." Jill had even made a comment earlier about open adoption being the "way to go" or something to that effect. Then the show came back to the present and Dr Phil invites Jack and Jill and baby Jack out on stage. (Of course the audience all "oohs" and "aahs.") He holds the baby, and even invites his wife Robin up on stage to hold the baby. Dr Phil then presents the couple with a gift...their first family portrait to be taken by the same professional photographer who has done all Dr Phil's book covers and family photos. But, in the back of my mind, I was asking "Where is Amanda? Where is the birthmother?" What a wonderful testimony it would have been to open adoption if the birthmother would have been in the audience or invited up on stage too. (Of course, perhaps she was invited back but chose not to come, but the moment didn't come off like that.) Once the couple were on stage with baby Jack, it's like the birthmom just didn't exist anymore. How about a family photo including Amanda? I just don't think Dr Phil truly believes in open adoption...if he did, his shows would come off differently, and there would be more emphasis on the birthparents' role.

There is so much more information out there about adoption now then when we first started exploring our options in the mid-1990's, especially with the growing number of adoption agencies and resources available via the world-wide web. So, for those of you interested in Abrazo's program, I'm bringing this topic back to the forefront so you can review the agency's guidelines and determine if Abrazo is right for you!

Lauren, Welcome to the Forum! I think most of your questions will be answered if you just click on "Abrazo Adoption Associates home page" up at the top left hand corner. Once there, click on "Adoptive Parents" and all the criteria to adopt under the full service program is given. You can submit your inital inquiry on-line, and if accepted you will be scheduled to attend an orientation weekend. You will receive all the paperwork necessary, including information about the homestudy requirements. If you kept a copy of your original homestudy, you might also bring that for Abrazo's review. They will let you know exactly what you need to do!!! Good luck!!

Please leave this topic up for Elaine. Elaine, I hope this information will be helpful. Good luck!

Hi Elaine, You might want to check out these topic threads on the Abrazo Forum which also list recommended adoption related reading: Adoptive Parents --> Parents in Waiting --> Reading Material Adoptive Parents --> Rainbow Families --> Good Reads for Want to Know Families Adoptive Parents --> Life After Adoption --> Readings for Aparents Adoptees --> In the Know --> Books About Being Adopted Good luck!

I missed the show also...Dr Phil comes on at 3pm here, right after Catherine gets home from school, so I focus on spending some quality time with her then. I did check out the Dr Phil website, and the first thing I noticed when I clicked on the "adoption" topic link was at the bottom of the page...it says Thanks to the Gladney Center and gives their web site. Apparently Gladney has been advising Dr Phil. Hmmm.....that explains a lot.... Back to the family in question...after reading the summary, what I came away with was that the a/mother kept saying she didn't "feel" anything for the child.... Well, I just want to say... LOVE IS A COMMITMENT, NOT A FEELING!!! May I repeat that... LOVE IS A COMMITMENT, NOT A FEELING!!! You cannot always trust your feelings...but you can ALWAYS honor your commitments!! But, I would like to know....what kind of an agency would allow these people to take a child in the middle of the night while he was asleep?? Was there no preparation for this child?? Didn't he have the opportunity to at least meet them first, so they weren't total and complete strangers?? I believe I read that for Russian adoptions, the adoptive parent(s) make at least 2 trips over....one to meet the child and begin the required in-country paperwork, then the second trip after it is approved. (Maybe this depends on the particular country). In the meantime they can keep in touch through letters and pictures. This seems a much "kinder and gentler" way to do it. I hope Dr Phil will do a follow-up on this one...I think all of America feels for him.

Dear Brenda & Jenny, I've posted this before under another topic, but I strongly feel that being a family is so much more about RELATIONSHIP than about biology!! Having children that don't look like you is much more common today than in years past. Interracial marriages are much more common...and often the children look more like one parent than the other, or don't look exactly like either of them...there is divorce and remarriage with the blending of families...there are those who remarry (maybe more than once) and have children by each different father, who may or may not be of the same race... do you see what I mean? So the "he/she doesn't look exactly like me or their siblings" is out there whether adoption is involved or not!! Being Hispanic does not necessarily mean a dark skin tone, either. My daughter is 100% Hispanic (her b/father was born in Mexico, her b/mother is Mexican/American) but Catherine's skin tone is just like ours! Her first pediatrician said she must be of Spanish/Castillian descent (as in the explorers from Spain who came to Mexico). So sitting next to the beautiful little Latinas at school who have the long, dark brown or black hair with bangs and brown skin tone, my curly light brown haired daughter Catherine looks very anglo! So, just answer the truth...if someone asks if they are both/all yours, just smile, say simply "Yes" and walk away. Strangers don't deserve more, and true friends really wouldn't even think of asking! Now, let me ask YOU all something...because I am 50, and I sometimes don't make it back to the hairdresser before my gray roots start to show , I'm often mistaken for being Catherine's GRANDMOTHER!! Now, do ya'll have a snappy comeback for that one???

RECIPE FOR JOY PREPARATION: Find a bowl made of love. Preheat your spirit with faith and hope. ADD: 2 cups of positive attitude. SIFT FOR JOY ROBBERS: Fear, low self-esteem, anger, resentment and rejection. POUR: 1 full cup of vision. Should be clear of any loose particles, like jealousy, envy. BLEND: 2 heaping tablespoons of celebration and humor. MIX: Stir the ingredients together with purpose YIELD: A spiritual advantage that lifts you, sustains you, and brings you and those connnected to you to a place of increase. (From the book "Who Stole my Joy" by Sandra Steen)

This from an Associated Press story in today's newspaper GREAT-GRANDMA, 59, PREGNANT WITH TWINS A 59 year old great-grandmother is pregnant with twins and is due next month, three decades after her tubes were tied. "They came untied," Frances Harris said Thursday. The multiple birth due Dec 21 would break a purported record set this week by a 56 year old New York mother of twins. Harris said she wasn't trying to get pregnant -- and didn't realize she was -- until she started gaining weight and went to see her doctor. The news was even more shocking considering Harris -- the mother of five, grandmother of 14 and great-grandmother of six -- had her tubes tied 33 years ago. Harris had her first child when she was 15; 44 years will separate her first-born from the newborns. The oldest American believed to have given birth to twins is Aleta St. James, who turns 57 today. (See Elizabeth Ann's Nov 11 post). Okay, folks, anyone care to top this one???

Thanks, Elizabeth, I feel so much younger now!!! I didn't know which to join first when I turned 50....the PTA or AARP!! (I did join the PTA...however, I'm not ready to start sending in those dues to AARP just yet!!)

Catherine has a full-bio birth sister, who is just 15 mos. older than Catherine. I feel this is the primary reason Catherine was placed, because her then 17 yr old b/mom had dropped out of school to care for one toddler with no real family support. It makes me so sad that Catherine's b/mom did not want to continue contact (we spoke several times by phone after placement, but she told me not to call her anymore when Catherine was about 4 or 5 mos old...I suspect due to family pressure to sever contact.) I continued to mail cards, letters and pictures, which all went unanswered. Now I just submit my annual year end letter and pictures through Abrazo. Whenever we talk about Catherine's b/family, I always refer to them as "your birthmother (name), your birthfather (name), and THEIR DAUGHTER (name.)" I just don't want to emphasize the "sister" connection right now. I know, I'm just avoiding the inevitable, but 6 yr olds can ask a lot of questions without having the ability to fully grasp the answer. If I told Catherine she has a sister, she would start asking "When can I see her? Can we invite her over to play? Can I go over to her house? Why doesn't she live with us? Let's get in the car and drive over to her house (500 miles???!!!) right now" and of course it would lead to the inevitable "Why did my birthmother keep her and not me" question. Catherine has already asked the "Why didn't my birthmother want to keep me" question, and the fact that her birthmom was 17 and not married didn't really register with her. But my hopes and prayers are that one day, Catherine's b/mom will contact us, not for my benefit but for the benefit of Catherine and her sister (and any other siblings that have been or will be born).

I just saw something interesting on the Bio Channel on cable. They were profiling Ray Liotta (of the movies "Goodfellas" and "Field of Dreams" among others) and mentioned he was an adopted child (obviously through a closed adoption....he had no information on his b/mother.) Even in his late teens and early 20's he had much self-doubt and sadness, wondering how his b/mother could "give her baby up." His way of dealing with these emotions was to channel his feelings through his acting, which actually gave him a more intense persona. It wasn't until he was in his mid-40's, married and with a child on the way, that he knew he HAD to locate his birth mother. Ray's wife used a professional locator service, and after talking initially by telephone, Ray was finally able to meet his b/mother. She told him that at the time he was born, she was a single mother who was not financially able to care for a second child, and give him the life he deserved. So she placed him for adoption so he could have a loving family. This knowledge of the circumstances under which he was placed for adoption brought him the peace of mind that he had not had for over 40 years!!! He then understood that his mother placed him out of love, and he was then able (I think) to truly begin to love and accept himself. How sad that the closed adoption practices of the past caused this man to wonder about himself for over 40 years!!!! But how wonderful that open adoption is becoming the norm and that Abrazo has been on the leading edge of this "revolution" for 10 years!! Bravo!

I recommend that PIW buy a couple disposable cameras ahead of time, and stick them in their travel bag. That way, if you get "The Call" and in your excitement forget to pack your digital camera (or you do bring it but the battery dies while you are taking pictures, as usually happens to me!) you at least have something ready to go. Most photo developers have a box you can check to include a disc, so you can still share your photos on-line! Just an idea!!

Ann, What a beautiful picture! There is just something about a sleeping child that melts my heart! Even now, if Catherine is laying down for a nap (which doesn't happen very often with a 6 year old!) I'll tip toe into her bedroom just to watch her sleep. Pure innocence!!

In addition to the Gift of Adoption Fund (please see my previous post) check out another web site www.motherscharm.com They offer a book entitled "You Can Afford Adoption" for $17.50.

My only response would be (since you asked) why is your screen name "Adoptive Dad" and not just "Dad"???????????????????????????????????????????????????????

In the latest issue of Family Circle magazine (dated November 9, 2004) there is an article entltled "Adoption Angels." The article focuses on the charitable organizations that have been established to assist couples with adoption expenses, for both domestic and international adoptions. One of the organizations that assist with the costs of a domestic adoption is the "Gift of Adoption Fund" and they can be located on the web @ www.giftofadoption.org This foundation offers "grants for adoptive families facing financial hardship during the final phases of adoption." You must already be home-study approved by the state in which you reside. The fund can assist with adoption expenses by "filling in the gaps," and preference is given to those couples in the process of adopting who are experiencing financial hardship or can demonstrate financial need. To date, the fund has "awarded nearly $600,000 in grants ranging from $2,000 to $5,000, helping upward of 200 children. The fund currently has five chapters in the United States." There is a one time $20 application fee.

So many adoption agencies are "done" with their clients after the adoption is finalized. Some friends of ours, who adopted their infant daughter (three years ago) through another local agency, asked us if we had sought out a support group for adoptive parents. We told them "No," we didn't feel the need to, because our agency hosts a reunion weekend (Camp Abrazo) each year, and we receive enough positive affirmation from that weekend to last all through the year!!! They thought a reunion weekend was a terrific idea!! Their agency, on the other hand, dropped all contact with them after their adoption was finalized. They had so many unanswered questions about raising an adopted child that they had to join an adoptive parents support group through a local family services organization. Two different families, two different adoption experiences, two beautiful daughters....but only one Abrazo!!! Guess which one of us is most satisfied with our agency experience??? P.S. O.K. ...just in case you haven't figured it out...WE ARE! Abrazo has continued to "embrace" us as part of their family, which attests to their firm commitment to ensure loving "forever" families for the precious children placed in their care!!

Dear Dreamer, I have a few ideas I'd like to share. Most churches these days are on the web. Why don't you see if some of your area churches have a web site? Try using www.(the church name).com or .org. Their home page should list the various activities available. Also check out the religion page in your local newspaper, and your area's yellow pages. Churches may list their web sites there as well. You didn't mention if you belong to a specific religious denomination (Lutheran, Presbyterian, Baptist, Methodist, Catholic, etc.) If not, you might check out one of the nondenominational churches in your area. They tend to be the fastest growing and offer a wide variety of programs for all age groups. Is there a local Christian radio station in your area? They frequently air info on local church events, advertise church activities, and broadcast radio sermons from local ministers. Tune in and see if there's something you like! Also check to see if they offer a staffed nursery. It's really very difficult for our little guys and gals to sit still through an entire service! In fact, I read somewhere that a child just cannot be expected to sit still for an entire hour until they are at least 4! Even then they become restless. So a nursery would be high on my list. To answer your question..."what is your church like"...we are Catholic. The Catholic Church is very family oriented. Catherine is enrolled in Religious Education this year (the Catholic term for Sunday School). She attends her own children's church while the adults are listening to the homily in the main church. In the summer there is Vacation Bible School and sports through the Catholic Youth Organization (CYO). I'm involved with our Mother's Enrichment Group and I also volunteer as a Vacation Bible School teacher each June. Dreamer, one last consideration....you might check with some other families at the church you are currently attending and see if they feel the same way...that there just aren't enough family programs available to meet their needs...and possibly you all could meet with your ministry staff. Maybe they just aren't aware of your need!! Maybe ya'll could organize a Family Potluck Picnic...or a Fall Fun Day...and each family could bring a dish to share and organize some children's games. These are how a lot of programs get started. Just an idea!! Whatever you choose, good luck on your spiritual journey. I truly feel that our children NEED spiritual formation and moral values. I grew up in a time when prayers were still said in public school (we sung grace "God is great and God is good, and we thank Him for our food. By His hand may all be fed, give us Lord our daily bread. Amen") in the lunch line before going into the lunchroom. For some kids, that was probably the only mention of God's goodness they heard all day. Now even that has been taken out of the schools. So it's even more important that we, as parents, provide that spiritual direction for our children. God Bless!