MarkLaurie

Are You Ready To Adopt? What You Can Learn From Your Motives by Barbara Holtan Reprinted with permission of the author published in Adoptive Families, March/April 2000 You're thinking of adopting a child. You're learning as much as you can about the process and the issues. But, you keep coming back to the same question: How will I know I am ready to take this life-changing step? To answer this question, you need to think about why you want to adopt. Your motives can reveal a lot about your readiness. To help you assess them, I have assembled a variety of motives expressed over the years by families that I have worked with. None of these is made-up. Perhaps you will recognize yourself in one - or several. Beside each motive, I have offered my opinion or advice regarding the wisdom of such thinking. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I Want to Adopt Because: Reasons Barb's Advice I want a playmate for my birthchild. Hire a neighbor's child. My religion tells me to reach out to those less fortunate than I am. Put a big donation in the collection plate next Sunday. My infertility is a constant sadness. It hurts terribly. Infertility is devastating, but you must understand that adopting does not cure it. We are quite well off and could give so many things to a child. Write a check to your favorite children's charity. Our marriage is shaky, and a child will bring us back together. It will never happen. Since we can't have birth children, I guess we might as well adopt. It's a start, but you need to get past that notion of second best. There's no difference anyway. Adoptive parenting and birth parenting are really the same. Aren't they? No. Neither is better or worse, but they ARE different. I really want to adopt but my husband is ambivalent. He'll come around once the child is ours. What if he doesn't? I feel so empty inside. A child will fill up that emptiness. Find a friend. I just want to cry when I think about all those poor homeless children. I think I'll take one in. No child needs pity. Donate to the missions. There's absolutely no child I couldn't love. Ouch! I could show you a few. I am a teacher (or mental health professional or social worker or doctor), and I am a "pro" at dealing with children. Being a child professional is a lot different than being someone's parent. All these children really need is a lot of love. I used to think that too. Now I know better. I/We just really like kids and want to add one (or more) to our family. I want to be someone's parent. I know I have a lot to learn but I want to begin. Yes! Go for it, you're on the right road. Barbara Holtan is Executive Direction of the The Adoption Exchange Association in Baltimore, Maryland Back to Becoming an Adoptive Parent Back to NYSCCC home page NYS Citizens' Coalition for Children, Inc. 410 East Upland Road • Ithaca, NY 14850 607-272-0034 • fax 607-272-0035 office@nysccc.org 12/31/02

Welcome Kristin! Count yourself among many who consider themselves blessed to have found Abrazo. I encourage you that you may not need to delay in getting your inquiry in. Your homestudy does not need to be complete at this point AND, in many cases, when it is "meant to be" the finances are usually there.

When couples come to him wanting to adopt a baby--"By tomorrow, if possible; sundown today would be even better"--Gritter gently guides them from a What can we get? orientation to a What can we give? orientation. They emerge as a resource for a prospective birth mother, rather than the other way around, and, paradoxically, these couples end up feeling more enriched within themselves, regardless of the final outcome of the adoption. How adoptive parents respond to their fear-whether they capitulate to it, taking refuge in secrecy and denial, or face it head on and emerge stronger-determines the integrity of the first layer of foundation upon which their adoptive experience, especially their relationship with their child, will be built. What a good article! I love the statements above. Although I fully recognize the inner struggle taking such an orientation can involve, I realize the long-term benefit for oneself and child to take this more selfless perspective. Thanks for sharing, Elizabeth.

Yeah!!!!! Our stroller is full at last! Congratulations, Sam and Lori! She couldn't be more beautiful.

I love this poem! There are not guarantees in life. I have to laugh at myself and remind myself that to think that my attempts to "control" my life by only opening myself to certain situations because at the moment I think those choices are more desirable because I think they will make me more immune to heartache or tough times or make me more succeptable to love and happiness is really just futile. When I do that, I am in reality probably only closing myself to the things that I desire and more importantly God desires for me. Excuse the run-on sentences - maybe my point is clear - as mud.

Welcome, Franky! You have come to a great place. The road to adoption is often a bumpy and sometimes downright turbulent one; however, that is just the reason it is so nice to have the great professionals at Abrazo there at your side. My husband and I attended the July orientation last year and now look forward to celebrating the one-year birthday of our sweet daughter in a few months. Everyone is correct in saying that you should give Abrazo a call and/or complete an inquiry which can be copied from a link on the homepage. If that is moving to fast for you guys because you rightfully are still grieving your loss, take a look around the forum. There is great information. I suggest the "Tear & Fears" thread.

Our profile pages are the first pages in Bailey's scrapbook. I mounted the 8 1/2 x 11 pages on 12 x 12 card stock and did some extra journaling on the margin. It turned out really nice and hope that it will be something special for Bailey in the future.

Oh, I can almost "feel" (taste, smell, hear???? ) orientation fever in the air.

Welcome, Donna & Bart!!!! I can't wait to follow your journey.

That's what I get for being on the forum for a few days.....I miss this awesome occurance. CONGRATULATIONS WALKER FAMILY!!!!!!

Welcome to the forum, Heather. I know you are excited to get your questions answered. You are headed in the right direction. Can't wait to hear how your journey progresses.

I think it is important to remember to not let worries (i.e. fear) dictate the decisions we make in our lives. We could miss our greatest blessings if we do. Not only could a child be the blessing that results but it could also be the relationship with that child's birthfamily (both for you and your child). There are no garantees in this life no matter by what means we do or do not become parents. Do not become a slave to fear when you know that a certain decision is the right one to make - those in which you detect the Lord's hand. Challenge: Think about the decisions you have made in your life and what you could have missed if you had given into you fears. P.S. I think this was a message for myself much more than it was for anyone else reading it.

Reading in another thread from today Elizabeth discussed how amazing it is that the right matches and placements occur at the right time when done for the right reasons (like maybe there is some Divine involvement or something ). It made me think that is one of the important reasons for keeping yourself open to many options (as far as race, sex, situation, etc) because our human brains often sell ourselves short of what we think we can handle or should attempt to handle. I remember being cautious about committing to being open to some options, but in the end we did because we wanted a child to love and we knew that they could come in a variety of packages. I'm glad we chose to leave many doors open and allow the Lord (and the Abrazo ladies) do their work.

Congratulations, Tom and Kathy!

Yea, Mel and Brad!!!!! Yea, Pea's!!!!! Yea, Tonya & Dave!!!! Yea, Abrazo!!!!!

Hopefully you guys are getting your bags packed or getting started on your travel to San Antonio! You guys are in for a treat this weekend!

Congratulations to the new Baby Squirrel Bobber!

Congratulations, Donna & Tony & now Ethan!

Amy - You're right to be nervous about the April's Fool Day thing with those wild and wacky Abrazo gals!

Welcome, Carleydvm! Amy is right. Send in your inquiry and if the fit is right, Abrazo will send you an application with a list of upcoming orientation dates to sign up for. Then the fun begins!

Sending up lots of prayers for this beautiful girl and her forever family. May you find each other soon.

So who out there is going to attend the orientation at the end of this month? I hope you guys are getting geared up because you are in for the time of your lives!!

I am so happy for you, Matthew and Betsy!!! I can't wait to meet her at our next Lubbock gathering!

I thought I would bump up this thread for any "newbies" out there. It has some good info.

The pepper represents how many posts you have made. We have some pepper crazed people on the forum.