ElizabethAnn

Congratulations to Jose and Terelyn on the baptism of their little angel, Ana Marie, today in San Antonio. (And thank you for inviting the Abrazo staff to participate in your special day. It was a beautiful christening, and I'll never see Our Lady of Guadalupe again without thinking of your precious daughter.) Blessings!

Hey, Alyssa! Now that you've weathered Rita, how are things going with Mom?

Hi, cgrace! First of all, let me say I am very sorry for the pain this birthgrandmother's response has caused her daughter (your birthmom) and you, as well. To learn that one has "lost" a grandchild by any means is surely painful, and especially after the fact! but to lash back at the mother who also suffered a loss to give her child a better life is cruel and unnecessary. That said, know that you cannot fix a lifetime of problems for anybody else. Perhaps this mother and daughter have always struggled with the terms of their relationship and the adoption is simply providing convenient fodder to continue the power struggle. Perhaps this grandmother has unresolved losses of her own or feels guilt over her daughter's need to exclude her from the plan and she is projecting her own emotions onto this situation. Perhaps there are cultural prohibitions that prevent the birthgrandmother from being able to accept her daughter's brave choice for her child's future. Whatever the issue, you are not the problem: you are the solution and your only duty is to love these people for being your daughter's birthfamily and to raise her to honor them as well. (And knowing you, we know you do!) We have to give folks space to feel what they feel. Birthgrandparents may never accept the choices their children make for their young, but unless they were the sole providers for those grandchildren or had a significant relationship with them prior to placement, they do not have legal standing to intervene in those choices after the fact. Yet they do need to have time to process, to vent, to learn and to grow-- as do we all. Thank you for caring so deeply about your daughter's birthmom and her family. Know that we are keeping you all in our prayers at this difficult time.

A very dear friend of mine sent me some words of encouragement today which bear repeating: (Thanks, Dr. Mom!!)

Needed: Hispanic and interracial (Anglo/African-American or African-American/Hispanic) couples for precious little people coming into the world between now and Christmas!! If you fit that description, call 210/342-5683 and let's get you into an upcoming orientation weekend, pronto!

Here's a question for the been-there, done-that crowd. As you know, parents-to-be who attend Abrazo's orientation weekends have ten (10) days afterwards to decide whether the agency is right for them and whether they're ready to begin the process of adopting, officially. What, if anything, do you wish you had done or explored or researched or learned or finished before coming to orientation, to better prepare you for the decision to be made or the process to be undertaken just ten days afterwards?

Ok, here's an interesting one: to what extent did you "let go and let God" when filling out the part of adoption agency applications that asks what kind of child you would accept? Why or why not?

smarkum: welcome!!! We're so glad you've posted, and hope you'll continue to share with us. Adoption is never an easy choice, and for a 19-year-old to have the courage, maturity and wisdom to make such a plan says alot about the person that she is and the parenting that helped shape the woman that she's becoming ! Congratulations on raising a daughter who is helping bring about the answer to another family's prayers. What a blessing she is, and what a blessing to have your support in all this. Have you talked with (or met) the prospective adoptive family? As birthgrandmother, you're somebody special, and I'm sure they'd welcome you into their lives, as well!

I was thinking this morning of my friend Tanya, whose son and daughter joined her last orientation, when she spoke on the panel about what it's like to place a baby for adoption. Midway through, her son was asked how he feels about having brothers who live with an adoptive family, and he bravely replied that he likes to see them for visits, then broke down in tears, admitting how much he misses them. We all choked back tears at that point, I think, recognizing the collateral loss this represented, and marvelling at the adoptive family's wisdom in honoring this relationship. I think of a soon-to-be adoptive dad here on the Forum, who was an only child in his adoptive family, but regained the siblings he'd never had later in life, when he was reunited with his birthmom and her other children. And I ache when I think of other children I know out there, who long to see the baby brothers or sisters they know they have, who were placed for adoption with families who do not (or cannot yet) understand the importance of adopted children maintaining access with their birthsiblings across the life span. For their birthmothers to have to manage their own grief while trying to account to their children for the adoptive parents' "right" to deny them access is an unfair burden, and I wish the agency could do more to help. April, who used to work for Abrazo, told the story at orientation about how her son, then four, had asked her at bedtime when he would get to see his twin sisters who'd been placed for adoption with a famous basketball star and his wife. April, knowing the adoptive dad's fear of openness, hedged, saying "oh, someday." Her son then asked if his sisters had to brush their teeth each night like he did. April said she was sure they did. April's son then asked her to be sure to remind him to take his toothbrush when they went to see them. And April wept, knowing how many times her son would have to brush his teeth by himself before that day arrived. My personal goal for the agency, in the year ahead, is to be more intentional in anticipating the needs of birthsiblings, and to try to develop more resources for birthparents left to tend to those needs on their own. Any ideas or input as to how we can help?

We're glad you found Abrazo... now tell us who we have to thank for that!

Here's an interesting question, related to a remark kbutterfly made in a recent post: how important is it (or isn't it) to birthmoms to choose an adoptive couple who resembles themselves or their expected baby, and why or why not?

Can you believe that was four years ago!! Just look at all you've accomplished since then, girl?! We're proud of you! (And so glad you're part of the Forum community, now!)

This is such a deep topic and so worthy of consideration: how do we discern the difference between what God wants for us, and what we want Him to want because we want it for ourselves? I've heard well-meaning people ask, in ignorance, why adoption is necessary, "because if God wanted infertile people to become parents, wouldn't He give them the ability to reproduce?" I know birthparents who've been confronted with small-minded folk who suggested that "God wouldn't make women pregnant if He didn't want them to raise their children." But I believe God's plan is much greater than that. (I just wish He'd send a weekly copy of His blueprint.) In what ways has He pointed out His direction in your life?

I was just scrolling through and happened across stennison's earlier post about risks and the losses they suffered in the course of their failed adoption plan--and there, to the left, was a darling new avatar, picturing the beautiful baby girl they would never have subsequently found, had it not been for those painful losses and their enduring willingness to endure the risks that come with adopting. (Isn't God the best?! Amazing miracles come out of some of the darkest unknowns.) That may sound naive or overly optimistic (but after almost two decades of working in this field, I'm pretty sure that I'm neither. ) Adoption is scary, and yes, it's filled with uncertainties and risks for every member of the triad (and even for those who do this for a living). There are things that happen, sometimes, for which there are no explanations, there are plenty of tears shed, and we all wish we had more control over the process than we do... but looking at that picture of little Brenli reminds me that while we may be faced with unknowns, He never is, and His placement plans far exceed any we could make on our own. Carry on!

Here's part two of "Minimum Daily Requirements for Christian Parents" by Charles White: Bless your child each morning. If you want to see sudden, dramatic improvement in your family and children, try this for just one week. Each morning as they are leaving the house, place one hand on a shoulder or head and repeat one of the following blessings: Old Testament (Numbers 6:24): "May the Lord bless you and keep you and make His face to shine upon you and give you peace." New Testament (Ephesians 3:16) "May God strengthen you with power through His spirit in your inner being so that Christ may dwell in your heart through faith." Carry a copy of the blessings with you and when the children are angry, quarreling or calling names, make them bless one another. No one, parent nor child, can be angry and say a blessing at the same time. You have to choose. The habit of blessing one another helps us do just that, to choose between selfishness and blessing others. Take short walks with your child. Get outside to God's world as much as possible. you can identify trees, collect leaves, capture bugs or even squeeze the petals of a flower and paint with the juice. Let creation declare the Glory of God (Romans 1:20). Give your child an alternative to the network television "muck-a-thon" and endless violence. Adopt a plant. Fill a tire with potting soil and grow a tomato or pepper plant. The great lesson for all spiritual gardeners is "if you want to pick flowers, then you have to plant seeds." It is the key to all relationships.

From "Minimum Daily Requirement for Christian Parents" by Charles White comes this lengthy but inspiring reading on raising children in the faith. Breaking it down into three easy lessons, here's part one, on teaching children the power of prayer: Your child's journey from age 4 to age 14 is very short. In today's world, the trip is not a safe one. Christian parents need to put God into each day's activities or their children will pay the consequences. The following ideas can make this easy: Hang some Christian art in each child's bedroom. Children are often quicker to respond to pictures than to words. The best choice is something with a theme, classics like "Christ My Pilot" and "the Good Shepherd," or something more modern from a Christian bookstore. You may have to ask a clerk, but most have some very inexpensive prints that are not always on display. Just tell them you want something for a child's wall. My own personal favorite is titled "Come Unto Me" and features only Christ's hands. Teach your child to pray. By the time a child is five, he or she should be able to speak one sentence prayers with a parent. By the age of six, they should be looking for answers to those prayers. By seven, he or she should be able to recite the Lord's prayer and have a good idea of what it means. By eight he or she should be praying with people outside the family--a few of his peers and a senior saint or two from your church. By nine, he or she should have a habit that will connect him or her to a church and to other Christians for life. By fourteen, your child should have a confidence and faith that is unshakeable!

Ok, here's a query for the been-there, done-that crowd... for those of you who had a placement plan that fell through, what advice can you give the relatives of others who experience the same disappointment? What did your family members say or do for you that was particularly empathic or helpful in that time of loss? How can relatives of other "expectant parents" know how best to help, when to ask questions or when to sit back and just be quietly supportive? And when the next match is made, how can relatives check on how things are going without seeming nosy or invasive or superstitious?