ElizabethAnn

Welcome, JustMe817! Glad you've joined the Forum; it's a great place to get information and find support. I am NOT a lawyer, so if you need legal advice, just call Abrazo and let us know if it's okay to have our attorney's office call you directly. But in answer to your question, in the State of Texas, there is no such thing as "grandparents rights" where a newborn is concerned, because grandparents do not have standing to intervene. They have to prove to the courts that they have had a "significant prior relationship" with the child in question, or that the child had been left in their sole care and custody for a lengthy period of time, and if you're expecting, that's just not possible for them to make that case. And under current Texas law, unless their son is legally married to you or has completed paternity testing to get himself legally-adjudicated as the father of the baby, he does not have any automatic claim to your child. Texas changed its paternity laws a year ago, and unwed fathers now are not even necessarily entitled to legal notice of an adoption plan (unless they register in advance, with the Voluntary Paternity Registry.) Ideally, you want to talk with the baby's father about what you both want for your child's future and how best to accomplish those goals; if you can come to some agreement, it certainly makes for a better plan for everyone. But if not, then as the baby's legal parent, it falls to you to make the best choices you can for your child, whether or not he chooses to participate. The only way for a father's parents to fight an adoption would be for them to fund his lawsuit, if he were to fight for custody; he would then have to prove to a court that he'd been financially supporting the mother throughout pregnancy, acting as a responsible father since learning of the conception, and that having the baby placed permanently with him would be in the baby's best interests. If you make an adoption plan through a licensed agency like Abrazo, then it becomes the agency's responsibility to handle any litigation involving the child, so you don't have to be fighting anyone who disagrees with your plans-- they would be fighting us, so not to worry. (Our attorneys are really good.)

From Christianity Today, a well-written piece challenging church adoption ministries that subtly (or not so subtly) seek to discourage single parent adoptions: Single Christians Need Not Apply?

I'm resurrecting this topic because some recent posts on the "Positive Adoption Language" thread gave rise to questions about why adoptions happen at all; if most birthparents place merely due to economic limitations, and whether every child would truly be 'better off' growing up with their family of origin? In my experience, after counseling more than a thousand women who placed their children for adoption, I believe that money (the lack of it, on a birthparent's part or the availability of it in adoptive homes) is rarely a true motivating factor in most placement decisions. That's not to say that birthparents aren't painfully aware of the costs of raising a child, nor are they immune to suggestions that an adoptive family may be able to provide their child more "advantages" in life due to income. But when it comes right down to it, very rarely does anyone decide to place a child for adoption only because having kids is expensive. Often, I find that expectant parents considering adoption feel their reasoning for placing seems more "justified" (to themselves or anyone else) if they say they can't afford to raise a child, because people are less prone to argue with that line of reasoning (or judge them for it) than if they say "I don't want a baby at this point in my life, I can't get ahead as it is and having a child will just make it that much harder for both of us." So why would adoption ever be a better choice for a child's future than remaining in the family of origin? For what other reasons do birthparents place? Not every biological parent is capable of nurturing a child; having the capacity for reproduction does not automatically instill in one the ability to bond and attach adequately. Those who grow up in non-nurturing homes don't have such parental skills modeled for them and sometimes become parents who cannot nurture their own kids. And children who grow up lacking adequate bonding and attachment and nurture are, absolutely, worse off than those who get such necessities from parents that did not give birth to them. Not every biological parent who is capable of nurture is able to provide their child with a safe homelife. Some of the most extraordinary parents I've known made the greatest sacrifices, placing children they loved dearly, because they knew they could not otherwise protect their child from the abuse of their partner or from their own addictions or from a family history of psychiatric problems. Some were incarcerated. Some placed to keep their child from being taken by the State. Some wanted to spare their child from being constantly torn between two parents constantly battling over custody rights, or being brought up constantly reminded they were the result of an affair, or the product of incest or rape. Not every biological parent who can provide a nurturing and safe home feels ready to make a lifetime commitment to the needs of a child-- or another child. This is probably one of the most difficult admissions a biological parent can make, because it opens them up to all sorts of character judgements from those who see this perspective as selfish. But the healthiest parents are generally those who have had the opportunity to build their lives and achieve their goals and meet their own needs before they take on the challenge of raising a child to do so. The Bible tells us to "love one another as you love yourself." That suggests one's own needs should be on the same level as those of others, and counters the theory that good parents must always forfeit their own needs and dreams to devote their all to their children. Is there any "family of origin" magic that automatically predestines children who are not adopted to grow up happier or more whole than those who are adopted? I don't believe so. Children who get adopted grow up with a different set of challenges in life, but they also often glean benefits (non-economic as well as economic) that would not have been available to them, had they remained with their biological parents. There are always compensatory losses, regardless of whether one grows up in a home built by biology or a home built by adoption. But in my opinion, children adopted through open adoptions, whose parents are all committed to maintaining contact and providing access and information, potentially gain the best of both worlds. They're doubly blessed. What more could any conscientious parent want for their beloved son or daughter?

Generally, Abrazo's couples must be at least six months past the final cessation of fertility treatment efforts before attending orientation... that way, they've had time to be sure they're done with the quest to produce a biological child, and they've had time to grieve these losses before taking on the new losses that are typically encountered while riding the adoption rollercoaster.

Very often, when a parent learns that his or her daughter or son is unexpectedly expecting, their first impulse is to offer to adopt the child themselves and raise the grandbaby as a son or daughter. Historically, this hasn't been uncommon. Commonly, it doesn't always work very well. The problem, essentially, is that it confuses family roles. If your mother is really your grandmother and your sister is really your mother, then how does it impact your ability to define who you really are? It only gets more difficult when family members can't keep the boundaries of these mixed relationships straight, and even worse when everyone attempts to lie to the adoptee, in a misguided effort to keep secret who's who in reality. It didn't work out well for Elmer McCurdy, whose life reportedly unraveled after he learned the truth. It certainly ended in tragedy in California, where a pregnant teen was killed by her aunt for refusing to let her adopt her baby. It seemed to have contributed to the psychological demise of a man known as Ted Bundy, who grew up thinking his grandparents were his parents (indeed, some question whether Ted's grandfather was also, in fact, his father.) Here's an even stranger twist, that illustrates how complicated family relationships can become when lies are told, even with the best of intentions: Loretta Young & the Adoption That Wasn't. This is NOT to suggest that interfamily placements are always unhealthy... but those who undertake such arrangements should do so with an abundance of preparation that includes family counseling to ensure that boundaries are understood, roles are defined and the child's need to know his/her own truth is always to be respected by all. There is an interesting misconception that seems to suggest that although pressuring a mother to place a child for adoption outside the family is wrong, for a family member to pressure a mother to give her baby to someone in the family is perfectly all right (even attorneys make this mistake, apparently.) However, plenty of custody disputes (and some of the ugliest ones!) involve family members fighting over their children/grandchildren, so if anyone reading this is contemplating the legal adoption of a child within the family, please be absolutely sure to hire separate attorneys to individually represent both the birthparents and those who hope to be adopting.

I'm sure with Sir Elton's cash reserves, he'll have the funds to hire Madonna's lawyers and get this thing done if it's worth more to him than just good press. (Indeed, this report suggests that he and his partner may try to make an end run around the cited issues by seeking to have the partner, who is younger, file to adopt the child as a single person if their 'marriage' will not recognized by Ukranian officials.) Still, it does seem that the adoption officials of that child's homeland already have their hands full, lately: Ukraine Having Issues With Out-of-Country Families

Reportedly, Elton John is considering the adoption of a 14-month-old Ukrainian child: read more, here.

I found this online today and wanted to dedicate it to our Parents-in-Waiting...

If you did ever find yourself in a position to need to come back to Abrazo, Imelda, you know we would welcome you with open arms. (And yes, I remember how much you don't like being hugged! LOL) But if you're getting off of Depo Provera, why not talk with your doctor about an alternative form of birth control that doesn't cause weight gain (ie., IUD) but will protect you in case you do get lonely? Because there's nothing like an unplanned pregnancy to really make a girl feel vulnerable (and we've all "been there, done that." Well, okay-- some of us, anyway!) I think moms who need to make adoption plans more than once sometimes worry that we'll judge them or be disappointed in them if they come back. But they forget that we really do see them as family and we want to be there for them no matter what. (And I know that their children's adoptive families feel the very same way.)

Don't They Know What Causes This?! The Duggars (surprize, surprize!) are expecting again, and Michelle reportedly did not realize what had happened when she had conceived just 8 months after the birth of her 18th child. I'm posting this here to make the point that lightning does strike twice or thrice (sometimes 19 times, if we let it!?) so why should any loving mother feel she must be ashamed of herself for placing more than once? Just think how many grateful adoptive families could have been created if someone with the reproductive power of Michelle Duggar had been sharing her "quiverful" with others? Which is NOT to say we want to see any of our beloved birthmoms feeling compelled to put themselves through the grief that comes with placing 19 times... but it is interesting that American society responds positively to this particular family (even rewarding them with a TV show) yet looks down on married birthcouples with multiple children who choose to place, in order to give their child/ren a better life?

For anyone out there who is agonizing over the necessity of creating a profile (also known as the tool by which prospective adopters find an expectant mother with whom to match) or who doesn't feel their profile is presently working to their advantage, our friends at Adoption Learning Partners are offering a new online training course on how to create an eye-catching piece that truly reflects who you are! It's being presented at a reduced cost for a limited time: click here for more information.

I emailed the other agency's director to request fee information, in case anyone needed a clear cost estimate in order to move forward? but that agency never responded (nor did one contact Angela to express any interest in this case.) Hopefully other programs to whom the information was sent had more options to offer this child (but no, we've heard nothing more.) Thanks for asking.

Abrazo was saddened to learn this evening that one of our favorite social workers, Penny Glatstein of Jewish Family Services in Memphis passed away this week. (Read the obituary, here.) Penny completed the homestudies and post-placement supervision for dozens of Abrazo's families, and whenever she sent adoptive parents our way, we knew they were extra-special folks, by virtue of her faith in them. Penny was one of those remarkable adoption professionals who never lost her ability to laugh, and whose wisdom and friendship we sincerely valued. She was a joy to know and a force to be reckoned with, and we are so thankful for all the years we were blessed to work with her. We wish her mother, her husband and their family peace and comfort in this time of deep sorrow. Hamakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei tzion v'yerushalayim!

I share your hope this child will be "just fine"-- but I don't think that love and a healthy environment are guaranteed to outweigh all the genetic factors involved. Any family that does proceed with placement planning needs to be fully aware of the likelihood that hereditary issues will arise, and be truly quipped to manage any related mental health challenges. Obviously, this dear mother and her family have problems that love, alone, cannot conquer. Much as I want to see every child in need find a loving home, I wouldn't advise any of our adoptive families who are truly seeking to adopt "a healthy child only" take this situation on, because this child deserves to have parents who are genuinely ready for the many considerable risks this case entails. Please note: any families that are interested in considering this case must already possess current homestudies, FBI checks, and all other required pre-adoption documentation.

Another licensed agency in Texas is seeking an adoptive home for a baby due this week whose mother has some very serious problems. We are sharing the case history here, at their request, in hopes of helping to locate a home for this infant. However, please note that this case will not be handled through Abrazo, and the other agency's fees are not known. The case should be considered only by those seeking a special needs placement as well as legal risk, since ICWA cases ensure a birthparent's right to rescind their relinquishment for 6-12 months. If any Abrazo families are genuinely interested in this high-risk placement opportunity, please fax a written request to Angela (210/342-6547) tomorrow, informing her of your desire to have your homestudy forwarded to that agency for prompt consideration.

I just happened across this Lutheran site today, with a Bible study lesson on adoption: Waiting Eagerly

Mari, we were so disappointed when we found out you and Lauranda and Sloan and Joe & Shelley weren't planning to come, but I was thinking of your daughter on Saturday, when we celebrated all the August birthdays out there at Camp. Y'all have been through so much in the past year. Here's hoping the year ahead is smooth sailing and blue skies for each of you! ------- We were talking with an adoptive parent this week about a painful encounter that arose with their children's birthgrandmother recently. The adoptive family, who doesn't get to see their children's adult birthmom more than once a year or so, just spent nearly a week with the entire birthfamily, then asked the birthmom to come to their hotel alone to spend some quality time, one-on-one, with the kids. When the birthgrandmother became aware of the plan she got very upset, forbidding her daughter (the birthmom) to spend this time with them alone. The adoptive parents, concerned that the birthgrandmother had somehow misunderstood their intentions, tried approaching her to discuss it, and to their horror, the "discussion" somehow turned into a shouting match. Did the birthgrandmother feel over-protective of her daughter? Was she jealous of the adoptive parents' desire to spend time with her daughter alone, or was she feeling threatened by their interest in her, somehow? Did she perceive that they were rejecting her or the rest of the family, even though the prior week had already been spent with all of them together? Should the adoptive parents have not scheduled such a long visit-- was there too much togetherness? Is the birthgrandmother afraid that the length of this visit somehow indicates the family is not planning on coming back? There are such delicate frameworks of trust in open adoptions, and yet, boundaries are such an important thing. No matter how well acquainted both families are, it's still so important to be mindful of each others' roles. Birthfamilies visiting with adoptive families need to take care to acknowledge the adoptive parents' authority, to not to disrupt childcare routines, and to ask the adoptive parents' for permission to "do for" (ie., diaper or feed or discipline) the child/ren, just as adoptive parents should do in the hospital when a baby is not officially "theirs" yet. Adoptive parents need to take responsibility for keeping lines of communication open, and to continue creating opportunities for contact whether or not the birthparents respond, because their child/ren need/s them to keep trying. It's essential that they not allow their fondness for birthgrandparents or other family members to interfere with their ability to communicate effectively with the birthparents (whatever their age). We're thankful that the adoptive family we spoke with today value their friendship with both the birthmom and her family enough that the incident will not cause them to withdraw. Instead, they are seeking to better understand what happened and why, and rebuild from there. I'm taking the liberty of sharing this here because I think it's important to acknowledge that there are going to be times in any open adoption relationship where people don't always get along. That's normal. What's important is for people to take such moments in stride, to resolve them as they're able and to ask for help when needed, then to enable relationships to grow from these experiences. That, after all, is what "being family is really all about.

Kourtney Kardashian tells People magazine that she thought long and hard about whether she wanted to keep her baby, but the alternative to her meant abortion, never adoption: Why Is It The Abortion Option Seems So Much Easier to Consider Than Adoption?

Hmmm... it remains to be seen (pun intended) whether or not there's any truth to this report, but numerous sources have published stories claiming that the famous father of once-adopted teen Bella Cruise gave her $59k for a makeover that ended up consisting of a new haircut and an improved wardrobe. (Interestingly enough, it seems that the adoption of Isabella Kidman Cruise is a source of great curiosity for those who have left the Scientology movement: read one example, here. Actress Kirstie Alley, also a Scientology follower, adopted two children with her husband Parker Stevenson before their unfortunate divorce. And while we're on the subject of Scientology and parenthood, Ron Hubbard's son gave an interview in 1982 that didn't exactly score points for the founder's apparent relationship with his biological son: No Love Lost Between Scientology Founder & His Son.) There is apparently some documentation suggesting that Scientology's Elite female members who became pregnant are/were "strongly encouraged" to submit to abortions or adoptions, which seems bizarre: listen in on some discussions regarding this, here.

Rebecca, I am so glad you found the courage to reach out and try again. A dear friend of mine who was adopted found his birthmom about 10 years ago, and learned that he had a living birthbrother. His birthmom didn't want her son to know about him, however, so he did not make contact. After his birthmother died, he felt more comfortable with the idea of contacting the brother that didn't know about him, but he kept waiting for the perfect time, and this past week, he was crushed to learn that his birthbrother passed away unexpectedly just days ago. There's no time like the present to try to break free from the past by building bridges for the future! I hope you and your birthsister will find success in your efforts to grow a genuine rapport and a lasting friendship.

It's Camp Abrazo weekend... and if you're hoping to adopt again, remember: one of the best ways to get the jump on all those other would-be againers who are clamoring to get in is to be one of the faithful Abrazo families who join us for Camp! Abrazo gets twice as many applications for families with children as we do childless couples, and less than half the space to accomodate them, so we use this as a litmus test to determine which families are most likely to give the children we place with them continued access to Abrazo's open adoption community as they grow. Participating in our annual reunion not only shows us how well the child we already entrusted to you is doing, it demonstrates your loyalty to our program, and indicates your commitment to raising your child within the open adoption community-- which only makes us want to send you home with... another child!! because then we know you are one of those beloved Abrazo families who truly do pay it forward. So give it some thought-- and join us! All trails lead home!