Dale

Ugh. I feel more like :angry:. I just hate to hear people describe adoption as a "last ditch" or "even if I have to..." situation. As a man, I've never had the desire to be pregnant... I don't believe that all women desire to be pregnant either, as I have met some who have had no desire for children. What if there are certain women who don't desire pregnancy but do desire children? Should there be a bias against Rihanna if she were to fall into that category? What if she were not a celebrity? And what if her “quote” wasn’t said with the same harshness that comes across in written communication? What if there were a thoughtful pause, a reflective stare, then, with the realization that there are no guarantees that every woman can give birth, a softly spoken statement of the deep desire to be a Mom? Maybe it wasn’t even a sensational comment until the “news reporter” put it on paper? And I don't believe adoption can be distilled to being a "single purpose" relationship - especially for open adoption. It is a unique way of addressing both needs and desires. Prospective adoptive parents have a desire to parent. Some children need adoptive parents. In most situations the child's first parent(s) have a desire for what is in the best interest of the child, and for some reason that isn’t always revealed, believe adoption meets that best interest. In other cases children are orphaned. Regardless, the child needs parents and the adopting parents desire to parent. Just like the child's need may have a multitude of reasons behind it, the desire to parent may come from a variety of reasons. The most common "reason" expressed on this forum is infertility - but is it really a "reason"? Could it be that infertility is sometimes merely a catalyst to take action, not "the reason" behind the action? That said, I would not fault anyone (willing to endure the rigors of the home study, background, check, etc.) who desires to parent and pursues adoption out of that desire. … and please forgive me if I haven’t used all the appropriate terminology. I do not intend to insult, slight, or offend anyone by my choice of nouns and adjectives.

Every coin has two sides: heads and tails, good and bad, positive and negative. Each can be viewed from literally thousands of degrees or angles. Then there is the issue of how close or how far from which the coin is being viewed; is it big or little... and the "familiarity" aspect cannot be forgotten either: regular, occasional, rare, or no interaction. ...but ultimately this debate isn't about some philosophical, intangible idea of "adoption" or the language or labels used to discuss the people involved. We are not considering cold, hard facts, "honestly" "positively" or otherwise. What is really being discussed is people's lives, the events and experience that have developed people's feelings and emotions - that are sometimes injured and remain raw even after several decades. We are dealing with the complexity of personal decisions made that dramatically impact the lives of many others - decisions that are each unique in their own right, with a single event that makes them "similar" to one another. We label this event "adoption." Labels are dangerous things, though, because the label I apply might have a completely different context for someone else. The dangerous side of the communication coin! But the only alternative to labels is to simply not communicate, and then where would we be? Isolated. Alone. Uniformed. Ignorant. Afraid? I will admit that at first some of the labels applied in Honest Adoption Language made me wince... but then I began to try and sincerely appreciate why someone might hold to that perspective, and I paused and let the loss become my own for a moment... and I was thankful for the grace I have received, for the good fortune given to me, for the privilege and honor of becoming a part of someone else's life at the point of such a complex decision. Every adoption is different just as every person is unique. So whether I choose to use Positive Adoption Language or Honest Adoption Language, or both as the situation dictates, I hope I am able to always use Gracious adoption language. I do not want to offend the people involved with, or distort the realities of adoption. I doubt anyone on this forum would, considering we are all involved one way or another with adoption. I want to always be truthful, accurate, curtious, and considerate. I guess there are good adoption situations and bad ones, good agencies and not so good ones, honorable motivations and selfish ones. How one views the language of adoption is all about personal experience with adoption. Thus the need for grace and truth. -Dale