ElizabethAnn

Very sad... the 18-year-old son of Marie Osmond leapt to his death from a Los Angeles apartment building on Friday. (Read it here.) Osmond had told Larry King in 2007 that Michael was in rehab "dealing with adoption issues" and other problems. Osmond and then-husband Brian Blosil had adopted Michael in 1991; in 1992, they filed an $18 million dollar lawsuit against the Globe for its story, "Secret Baby", which alleged that Michael was actually the product of an adulterous relationship Blosil purportedly had, and for a subsequent story in which the Globe claimed Marie was using the adoption as a cover-up to keep the biological mother from extorting money. God, be with all families whose teenage sons struggle with depression, and bring them peace! Amen

Birthmom and birthgrandmother Joni Mitchell dedicated her latest CD, "Shine", to her birthgrandkids (have a listen HERE and click here to read a review). She also is collaborating with the Alberta Ballet Company on a show the dance troupe is doing that features music Mitchell wrote years ago: Both Sides Now

Welcome, hallowed alumnus! I don't know how it never occurred to us before that you distinguished folks deserved your very own Forum category, but surely you do, and here it is! So for those who are them that, step up and introduce yourselves! Here's a little assortment of 'getting acquainted' questions to get you started... 1) Where are you from? 2) Is there an Abrazo alumni group in your area that gathers once a year or more, and do you participate? 3) How many adoptions have you completed through Abrazo? 4) Is your family finished, or is there room for more? If so, how many more in your opinion (spouse's input aside, ha!) 5) What is (or was) your Friday night fear the second (or third) time around? 6) Are/were you more open to new adoption information/concepts the first time you adopted, or the next time around? 7) How did/does contact with your child/ren's birthfamily/birthfamilies impact you/your parenting style/your family? 8) What one thing would you change about Abrazo, if you could? (You're veterans, so you're entitled to speak up! LOL) Ready, set, go!

I am so sorry to learn of Rod's passing! (The Hosmers hosted Abrazo's NJ reunion just a few years back: http://abrazo.org/forum/index.php?app=gallery&module=images&section=viewimage&img=3228.) I keep up with Patty via Facebook from time to time, but had no idea Rod had been in the hospital lately. Keeping Patty and Rebecca in our prayers during this sad time... God grant them strength to bear this grief, peace in the surety that their loved one is at Home in Heaven, and comfort in memories of happier times spent together. (Thanks, Abrazo family, for letting us know of this sorrow within our community.)

Just happened across this poem this morning and thought it said alot about who a birthmother is... demographics aside!

Just weeks ago, we were reading of the death of adoptive mom Casey Johnson, whose aunt was cited as having opposed her adoption out of fears she would not be a fit parent. Now, that aunt has also had her own adoption decree overturned by the courts. An odd legal ruling was just issued, in the continuing saga of the Johnson & Johnson heiress who's been battling her former beau (a Beverly Hills diet doctor) over the adoption of a Cambodian boy prior to their breakup: read the story, here. Can you imagine the enormous legal fees that were incurred in the course of Lisabet's efforts to secretly adopt this child thus foiling Lionel's efforts to do so, and Lionel's attorney's bill for defending his right to be the adoptive dad despite his prior decision to withdraw from that adoption, only to end up "winning" custody yet deciding to leave the child exactly where he is-- with Lisabet? But even more daunting: can you imagine the trauma of a little boy living in the midst of such warring factions for all seven years of his young life?

(Is it terribly unfair of me to say that I am secretly hoping the country of Russia isn't this hard up for adoptive parents, yet?) Pregnant Tila Tequila Abandons Plans to Adopt Haitian Orphan in favor of Russian Tot

Interesting-- this came out months ago, but apparently rocker Joel Madden was startled when someone approached him offering to sell him a human child for a particular price?

Ok, so it's been awhile since anyone revived this topic... but for those of you out there who ARE currently paper-pregnant, tell us what (if anything) has changed in your lives since orientation weekend, what you are doing to keep yourselves busy (and sane!) while you wait, and how someone visiting your home could tell that you're expecting?

Just wanted to add this link, as it includes a number of good reads that are also on Abrazo's recommended reading list: PREPARATORY RESOURCES FOR ADOPTING TODDLERS. SIBLING GROUPS AND "OLDER" CHILDREN

Here's one more perspective: "Mom" vs. "Birthmom". Speaking for myself, I think "real parent" is an incredibly loaded term, so I understand why it's offensive to those who adopt to be disregarded for the very real parenting they do, even as I flinch at thinly-veiled efforts to discount a birthmother's role in bringing a child into the world (parenting through the gestational stages, as it were) by sanitizing her "title" and relegating her to nothing more than a borrowed womb. I wonder if the greater challenge is really more about empowering those who adopt to feel fully entitled to love their child/ren without reservation nor apology-- and empowering those who place to do so with full license to maintain a maternal connection to/with their child/ren across the lifespan?

In a word: Ouch! First off: a word of warning, because what you're about to read may be painful or offensive. (And secondly, a word of warning, because if no part of what you're about to read pains or offends you, it's probably a good indicator that Abrazo probably isn't-- or wasn't-- the 'right' agency for you.) ------------------ One very nice couple named Brooks and Elizabeth, who went through a lengthy phase infertility and treatment, ultimately elected to adopt from Russia. They specifically avoided domestic adoption, because they were adamant about wanting (well, needing!) their adoptions to be closed. Brooks later wrote a book about their experience, and from it comes this quote, which provides a startling illustration of what a visceral response some adopters have to the issue of authenticity, when parenthood comes to them by means other than biology: Can we all relate to the need of any parent (whether biological or adoptive) to have their role validated? Absolutely, yes. (Well, not Hansen, perhaps; he opines that those who raise adopted children should be referred to as the only "actual parents" those children will ever have.) But is there more to it than this? Does openness in an adoption make those who adopt any less "real" parents? Does acknowledging the other parents in a child's life story make either set of parents (biological or adoptive) less authentic? Apparently, for Brooks Hansen & his wife Elizabeth, the answer to both questions (as contained in the above-cited book) was --and is-- regrettably, "yes": Hansen is obviously an intelligent individual; well-educated, articulate, committed to the role of fatherhood. Yet, what is it that causes some people (like the intelligent, sensitized folk reading this post) to 'get' why open adoption is so much more than a "free baby-sitting scam" and others (like Hansen) to never comprehend how and why closed adoption, with all its secrecy and denial, is so potentially injurious to the children we love so? Who's truly more "real" -- those who raise children in truth, or those whose families are borne of lies?

Indeed, Erin, we do try to use a "graduated contact schedule" whenever the parties are willing, when we are working with toddlers, sibling groups and older children who are being moved from one home to another, to ensure that there is some formal "transition time" allowing all parties some opportunity to get acquainted before the day that placement paperwork is completed. Therefore, it's important that adoptive families considering such placements be prepared to spend anywhere from a couple of days to a week, prior to placement, getting acquainted with the birthfamily and spending slowly-increasing blocks of time with the child being placed-- both with the birthfamily and without-- to ensure that the child has some level of awareness and comfort with the plans being made on his/her behalf. A pre-placement visit is also scheduled in every such case to give the child-placing staff an opportunity to observe the prospective parents and children together, and to give the prospective parents every chance to express concerns, ask questions, etc. Birthparents who are overcome by their own sense of urgency to "get it over with" don't always tolerate this process well; nor do adopting parents who are eager to get home with their new addition. But when it can be done, it's a valuable means of helping everyone to adapt to this huge life change in a more child-sensitive manner. Texas standards, interestingly enough, do state that any child being placed who is six or older should sign a consent to the placement, as well. (The state officials don't give any guidance as to what should happen if a birthparent determined to relinquish/place has a child determined not to consent, however?!) Agencies are also required to ensure that children who are not pre-verbal have access to preplacement counseling, and that they are assessed by a child psychologist, a pediatrician and a dentist within 30 days prior to placement. One thing I think is important is that the adoptive families who are taking placement of school-age children find a way to create rituals to aid their children in the adjustment process. Whether it's as formal as participating in an entrustment ceremony wherein the families recite vows to each other and involve the children, or whether it's as casual as going to get a family portrait that includes all the members of both families, I think it's essential for kids to have a concrete sense of the placement being the launch of an official 'new beginning' that has everybody's blessing-- theirs included.

Sending up prayers of thanks on your behalf, Rebecca! Every day DOES count and we celebrate that truth with you. As many folks around here know, the issue of hereditary cancer is very near and dear to my heart (and my other parts, too). I received a new study finding from FORCE (Facing Our Risks of Cancer Empowered) this morning that I thought might be relevant to others around here, as well:

Indeed, there are many twenty-somethings and singles and gays and bad housekeepers and yes, mentally-challenged people who do parent responsibly. However, from an assessment perspective, I would think that most responsible homestudy workers who looked at the combined factors of Ms. Johnson's lifestyle at that juncture in time might have questioned whether she was truly ready to be the most effective parent to whom this child could have been entrusted...?

I read this article and wondered who on earth did the homestudy and why more questions weren't raised about the adoption plans of a 27-year-old single lesbian with a history of instability and substance abuse problems, whose life was reportedly chaotic and whose mansion was admittedly littered with animal excrement? (Oh... that's right; her last name was Johnson and money was no object.) According to some reports, Johnson's adoption was opposed by an aunt who had used her inheritance to establish an orphanage overseas: Why Even Aunt Libet Didn't Approve. But there was, apparently, even a scandal involving Casey and Aunt Libet, that came about even before little Ava's adoption: Note: This is NOT the John Dee we know & love! To view the bizarre 'engagement video' recently taped by Johnson and her 'fiancee' Tila Tequila: click here. So-- you gotta wonder, who handled this adoption and how good do they feel about it, now?

Just wanted to welcome back Rebecca! And I also want to share prayer requests on behalf of Abrazodad Bob J. of Wisconsin, who was recently diagnosed with metastatic lung cancer and is undergoing chemo, and Abrazomom Annette L. of San Antonio, who has been struggling with a recurrence of breast cancer this year. Keeping all who are fighting valiant cancer battles within Abrazo's greater family in our prayers this holiday season...

I don't think the need for foster homes EVER slows down, because the number of involuntary removals is always (sadly) on the rise...

Mari, so glad to see your post this evening! I've been thinking of you and wondering how you and your precious daughter are doing. (Thank you so much for the lovely framed photos you brought by, for our gallery. Come see them "up" sometime!) I know the holidays can be bittersweet when we are unable to have all our family around us; please know I am lifting you in prayer this Christmastide. Big hugs!

Please know that my response was not meant to discourage our out-of-state clientele, but rather, to lend them insight that may empower them in their pursuit of the "right" match... so they (you!) can anticipate an expectant parent's concerns during that first call, and say--if it's true-- "We know some birthparents are hesitant to match with out-of-state couples because they're afraid they wouldn't have the opportunity to see their child over the years. If being able to see your child as he/she grows is important to you, we'll make a point of traveling back to Texas yearly/coming to Camp Abrazo each summer, so you can have those special visits. Please be assured that we won't let the geographical distance between our state and yours keep us or you from having a truly open adoption, because that's important to us!"

The one variation I'm noticing is that fewer expectant parents seem willing to consider matching with adoptive couples who live out of state. I think this is because the hurting economy makes it painfully evident to them that they may not have opportunity to actually see their child after placement, if their child isn't living within the same region, statewise (perhaps because they fear neither they nor the adoptive parents may have the means to travel?) Over the years, we've noticed that it is also getting harder and harder to get prospective birthparents to consider matching or placing with couples who already have multiple children (whether adopted or biological), but whether this is related to the recession or not remains unclear. Good question, erin!

A great reading (by a birthmom and an adoptive mom) about the things that we all HATE to hear adoptive parents say about birthparents and the choices they make: Make a PACT: Don't Say These Things! I know I've shared this link on the Forum elsewhere, but I'm taking the liberty of adding the text, below, in case the link goes bad: