suziandben

I send an email to family and friends at least a few times a month - funny stories about what's happening in our life, updates on our adoption journey etc. Yesterday I was taken totally by surprise. I saw a friend who called me on the carpet ... Suzi I thought your emails said you were going to educate us on open adoption? (I had said that last summer in an email and totally forgotten about it.) She says so what is life with open adoption like? So for those investigating open adoption and wondering - here is how I replied to my friend (may not be reflective of anyone else's experiences but this is our experience): "First a homework assignemt... there is a new movie out on DVD right now called "The Duchess"... rent it! It is a powerful movie and amazing acting. It is the best portrayal of a birthmother I have seen. Generally it's easy to assume that a birthmother is someone who doesn't want children or love them or have other children. The opposite is true. A birthmother is usually someone whose circumstances simply prohibit her from raising this child. What's open adoption like in practice....It's like having another aunt or grandma that loves our child and is interested and excited to hear about his growth and development the same way every time I see my brother Mike he says guess what Aunt Suzi, Lillian did..... They know how much I love their kids. They know I will be so excited to hear anything and everything about them. That doesn't change that they are mom and dad like Ben and I are mom and dad for collin. If Collin's birthmom were destructive we wouldn't have a relationship with her just like you wouldn't with others in your life. She's actually very compassionate to us and our feelings. Once she asked me if it offended me that she refers to Collin as "her baby". I said no it doesn't - he is your baby. This week we were talking and she was thinking about whether it's awkward for us because people normally would ask who the baby looks like, how does that go for us she asked me. Which is so sweet of her. I told her that people have made sarcastic comments about oh he looks like you ha ha ha... I always respond that Collin's birthparents are amazing and that I have NO issue giving credit where credit is due - they created an amazing baby - my hat is off to them. People often ask "just curious" questions about collin's birthmom - is she young? etc. I think sometimes we get caught up in enjoying drama but realistically there is no particular reason to share the answers to these questions. It gets most awkward when it's our family that asks. I just stop and think to myself - is there a reason or purpose in sharing the answer aside from this person's curiousity. If there isn't then I don't share. Collin will hear all of the information about his birthfamily that we have in age appropriate ways as he grows. Then it's up to him to decide who and when and where he shares the information with. It's not our story - our story was the journey that got us here and bringing him home. His birthfamily information is HIS and it's his to share or not share. That's it in a nutshell... not as big of a deal you would think it would be. One of the best gifts of open adoption is that I will never forget how hard it was for Collin's birthmother to choose adoption. A social worker didn't drop collin off at our doorstep. With tears running down her face, she placed him in my arms. God could have created a world without infertility or unplanned pregnancies. He didn't he brought people together who could understand the pain in each other's hearts."

Rejoicing with you and continuing to pray for this special little one and his very special birthmom and grandma! It seems like I'm constantly hearing about grandmas who oppose adoptions (including collins), three cheers for this selfless 1st grandma and mama.

Many tears of praise from Oregon!!!!! So excited to be one of the few awake to hear the news! I'll never forget that PM I got from this special couple celebrating with us the arrival of our son.

The stork deleted it and my post because the expectant mom is considering her options I believe.

You give my heart so much peace. thank you laurie i had a thought last night that has really been confirmed in everyone's posts.... I keep thinking that differences will be viewed as negatives. I realized that children may not think that way... they may view the differences in their stories with PRIDE. Wow what a thought.

Thanks

Oh I know! I thought that I wouldn't want to even think about other children for quite a few years but I can't deny the promptings of the spirit in my heart that we need to stage our lives so that we are ready for another one someday (who knows when). I think to myself Heavenly Father - why are you telling me this now? But Ben and I learned long ago that life is better when he IS in control not us so we're making some financial decisions right now maybe a little bit differently with this information than we would have without it. Otherwise we're quite wrapped up in loving Collin. I hope that came out okay sometimes I feel like my posts never come out right. I'm a hopeless addict of the forum so I keep trying and I so appreciate everyone's patience with me.

I know ... call it pure jealousy and feelings like how come we aren't worthy? No personal offenses intended. Maybe what i should have said those stories have always made my heart hurt that we were still waiting. I love what you are saying about okay if two years from now baby #2 finds his/her way home... then it took 7 (5+2) adoption years to bring him or her home. I like that. I hope it's as simple as how we tell their stories to them like how my Dad talked to me. Sounds like that is what everyone is saying? I have always loved my Dad so much for answering my question the way he did. I just want kids who feel treasured. I think every child deserves to grow up feeling that way. My whole concern is the child's feelings (not how Ben or I will feel).

we're not even done with being once-ers so we are no where near being againers but there is a question that has been nagging at me lately ... it's a question for you againers out there - especially moms and dads of two. It took 7 years to bring collin home. 5 of those years were adoption years. i am really worried that a second child will feel less... something less. let's say it takes one or two years the second time around (application to home coming)... or worse yet (I have always hated hearing these stories) the second child is one of those adoptions that just falls into our laps. collin is nothing short of a miracle. a second baby will surely be a gift but maybe his or her adoption story won't be as amazingly miraculous. It's kind of like how in the world can any child follow this act? I'm probably being over-paranoid but I just can't stand the idea of one child feeling less wanted and treasured than another. I can just see a child looking at the circumstantial evidence and feeling like maybe we were more willing to kill ourselves to bring collin home than baby #2. my mother was never shy about expressing her frustration with having her last 3 children late in life (I'm #6 of 7). Yet my father when I was a little girl I asked him one night at bedtime why they had so many kids, he said well we had so much fun having 4 kids that we thought we'd have 3 more and now we are having so much fun with you 3. I guess that is the key ... being that kind of parent. Kind of makes me think about that phrase life isn't about the number of breaths you take but the moments that take your breath away. sorry I'm rambling to myself. would love to hear your thoughts.

Abrazo to English translation.... BOG = Baby on ground still fluzzy... It means the baby has already been born. This usually involves getting a phone call from a gal in the hospital who has just given birth and wants to make an adoption plan. So if an adopting family gets a phone call about a BOG it means there was no advance warning.

A hearty congratulations to the first family of 2009 and many prayers for a very special first mama.

I've been known to rant and rave about this one whenever I see a newspaper article. I especially hate the headlines that say... "man convicted of abusing his adopted son/daughter..." I guess I figure that those articles would have come out the same if the child was biological or adopted (the abuser would have still been an abuser). Pointing out that the child is adopted makes it sound like the child has a problem, like all adoptive parents have bad motives, etc. URGHHHHHH

Donna I had the same thing happen where the social workers were telling me that they had to do the home study according to Oregon rules but Abrazo specifying Texas rules. Finally I called the ICPC office for Oregon - way back in May of this year right after orientation. They really helped clarify that because the finalization takes place in Texas NOT Oregon that Texas law rules. I know we sign things with Abrazo saying we swear never to contact ICPC officials but that only applies to ICPC time.

VENT away girl!!! Get it off your chest so it doesn't stay there is how I figure it. I have felt that same feeling of being left in the dust, lapped, etc many times. Wishing I were there to give you a hug girl. I am however SO SO SO SO excited that your treatments are done. I have been thinking about you for days. Suzi

Very exciting! Thanks for sharing.

Details - details!!!!

Daddy's are very special. sending our prayers for you and your family Elizabeth.

We're cheering you on Rebecca and so glad you are nearing the end of treatments!!! I think all of our losses on the way help us relate better to the brave women who make us parents.

I have to say that this policy is one of the reasons we chose Abrazo. Thanks for not being shy or backing down about this policy Elizabeth.

Wow - two Ben's stuck in Texas for turkey day (don't get our paperwork mixed up girls)! Congratulations Ben & Lisa!!! From the other Ben & Suzi and Collin too

Jen Amos and Elly sending congratulations and continued prayers your way. Can't wait to see the photo. You three are loved by so many out here in forumland.

congratulations david and tammy, blessing to the baby's first mama.

Thank you all for your well wishes. I love the posts that he is an answer to many prayers. If it takes a village to raise a child - this baby was brought into our family by a whole village, no bigger more like a city, of prayers - our forum family, stickybacks, my large family, Ben's large family, our church family, friends, etc etc just baffling and humbling to hear sometimes. Thank you all, we love you very much. It's still kind of unreal after the journey we've been through to get to this point. Especially his name. I've three times picked baby names only to have someone else use them in a way that I just couldn't re-use the names ... a niece named Lillian who looks like me - A nephew named after Ben and the match we had last year used a slight variance on the name we picked for that little girl. I love the name Collin. I have wanted to name a son Collin since high school. I'm pretty sure I made Ben promise that we'd use this name before I would marry him. Edward is for Ben's father (it's his middle name) - a good man - a good example - someone we both love very much. Even amongst the indecision our friend put the name Collin Edward on the original birth certificate - scared me to death that we'd "lose" another name that is so dear to me (not to mention how in love with this baby we are). Mr Collin is surely an answer to prayers and a dream come true. Yesterday my family buried my cousin's son, 10 year old Tristan who died of cancer. Perhaps affirmation that the Lord opens a window when he closes a door. I think T (as we call him) is Collin's guardian angel.

Hurrah for halfway done Rebecca!!!

Hurrah for the new family...I'm assuming it's Paul & Kristy... whose long suffering has finally paid off. Many prayers being send for the baby's first family.