sugarfamily

I know I may get slammed for saying this, but...there ARE two sides to every story, as Lisa pointed out. But Lisa, I don't think the poster is necessarily talking about problems that would cause Abrazo to lose its license - maybe it just fell down in its people skills or something like that would cause some misunderstandings and lead to an unhappy client situation. And unhappy clients should have the right to voice their opinion - but not abuse other adoptive parents, as Adoptive Dad did. I need to say that there was a time that I was not as happy with Abrazo as I am today. Fortunately, everything was worked out and it all turned out just fine. As someone pointed out in a previous post, Elizabeth will tell you in orientation that there are days you'll love the agency, and days you'll hate it (and the same goes for how they feel about us clients!) But if this is truly a support group, people should have the right to ask hard questions and voice concerns without being attacked by others in the group. Before coming to Abrazo, we actually decided against another agency because we learned that in their contract was a "gag order" preventing adoptive parents from ever saying anything bad about the agency. Talk about red flags! We were glad to learn that Abrazo had no such rule, making us comfortable that MOST of the feedback from past clients would probably be positive! I would rather know the good and the bad about an agency (I'm sorry, but there is no such thing as a perfect agency, just as there are no perfect clients) and be able to make up my own mind about where to go. We chose Abrazo based on a careful assessment of the pros and cons of multiple agencies, not because we were surrounded by nothing but happy people like here on the forum. Perhaps there should be an area on the forum where people can make constructive suggestions on how their Abrazo experience could have been improved? Maybe they could use the "Tears, Fears..." board for expressing their pain over a difficult route to adoption? Or post in "Professionals Corner" where agency practices are discussed? You are right, Melissa and Lisa, that the forum should not be used for abuse of innocent parties or for angry posts from someone "with an axe to grind". But let's also not be a place where people aren't comfortable being honest (while still being polite and respectful) or it will lose its purpose of being an online support group. To those of you reading this who aren't clients of Abrazo, yes, you will hear good and bad about ANY agency if you talk to enough people - all of their experiences are going to be unique to their own personal situations. The reality is that the adoption process is truly a roller coaster, and oftentimes our emotions run high, causing us to overreact to situations and/or act differently than we would in other circumstances. Also keep in mind that while some agency practices may be just fine for some people, they're not for others. That's why we have choices in agencies. The majority of people on this forum are very happy with their decision to adopt through Abrazo, and while all of our experiences may not have been "perfect", I think all of us can say that God used this agency to bless us with the perfect children for our families. And for that, we are grateful, so we choose to continue in a relationship with Abrazo and the other families it has made. If you would like to join us in supporting each other in the journey of adoption and the joys (and challenges) of parenting, you are welcome to participate in the forum. That is why it is here. Respectfully, Linda

All right! Way to go, Tom and Pamela! Here's wishing you and Nathan the best! Can't wait to hear the details... Love, Linda and Scott

I'll second that. I cannot understand why Adoptive Dad, instead of appropriately dealing with his issue directly and confidentially, felt the need to attack happy clients of Abrazo. I'm glad we'll no longer need to deal with that. Thanks, Webmaster!

Congratulations to all our Tremendous 10 buddies who've placed over the last few weeks - Brian & Nicole, Steve & Sophie, and Patrick & Kristy. Scott and I are so thrilled for you. I know you will cherish every moment of these little ones' early days, as we have with our darling Jenna. They go by so quickly! Be sure to post or send us photos when you have them (Steve & Sophie - thanks for posting the cutie picture of Stevie! She's a doll!!). Love, Linda

FYI - a good book for relatives of adopting couples is "Adoption is a Family Affair". I got it for my parents and sister when we decided to adopt, and it helped them understand the process a little better. It also covers positive adoption language, which is very important to know as your grandchild grows up.

Don't give up, Paula! Remember, you're just 5 minutes away from a miracle! I've been in your shoes and can tell you for SURE that prayer - in faith that God WILL give you the desires of your heart if you seek Him first - does work! I learned an important lesson while waiting: we are to be focused on the tasks (that He gives us to do while serving Him) and He will focus on our asks (prayers). Look at your life and see if there is anything you need to be working on outside of the adoption process, do what you feel needs to be done, and watch Him take care of the rest! Hang in there, girl. It will happen! Linda

Do bmoms typically look for stay-home amoms or are they as comfortable with working moms? Just curious.

Just to let our online friends who may be tracking our progress to parenthood, I'm moving our posts to the Joyous Journeys section so we can leave the Looking to Adopt area for prospective clients of Abrazo or for newbies who have questions....so follow me there, if you're interested!

I just want to share with everyone, what a wonderful agency Abrazo is to work with. We have been encountering a few issues with our match and Angela and Holly have really been working overtime to address our concerns and look out for everyone's best interests. Angela was encouraging me tonight that "all situations aren't like this" and I know she's right. I also know that there's a great team at Abrazo that will help guide us through to the other side and that when the time is right, we WILL experience the agency's promise of "not if, but when"! We are not discouraged, but even more hopeful of the future and confident that no matter what hiccups we encounter, we will be on our way to parenthood before you know it! Thanks Angela, Holly and Kelly - we really appreciate you! Linda

Hi Dawn, You're on your way! I remember being in your shoes just a few months ago, then going through the whirlwind of home study and orientation in May. Now we're matched with a Bmom due in August. So keep that excitement going! There are ups and downs ahead, but it's all worth it. I keep thinking about the fact that as an infertile couple, this is just our version of "labor pains"! Linda

Thanks for the advice, Tom and Emily! And congratulations on your new son. We have decided to take a short, romantic pre-baby trip to Puerto Vallarta over the 4th of July weekend to celebrate 10 years of marriage and my 40th birthday. We just matched with a wonderful birthmom yesterday who is due in August, so the timing has worked out just right! You're right about staying in the present while looking forward to the future. I have found that right now, I am enjoying my life more than I ever have. I appreciate every day as new and different, and an opportunity to experience life to the fullest. Then when I'm a mom, I'll appreciate all that parenthood offers! One of the things I'm most grateful for right now is meeting a couple of birthmoms at orientation and then seeing everyone interact on the forum. I never could have imagined the instant bond I felt towards our birthmom when we talked and decided to match. Before learning about open adoption, I never gave much thought to the birthparents. But now that I'm matched, I care just as much about them as I do the baby. I'm REALLY looking forward to getting to know both of them, as well as their other children.

I don't know if I should continue posting here, or move it over to the "Parents-in-Waiting" section... We got our crib assembled this weekend. It looks so cute! I am still pinching myself thinking about the idea of a baby actually being in there sometime in the not-too-distant future. After 7 years of trying to become parents, whatever wait there will be for adoption through Abrazo seems miniscule in comparison! All we have to do now is to put the pictures on the wall and make our curtains, and our nursery will be done. Any ideas from you AP's on other things to do while you're waiting? I think I've read every adoption book ever published over the past few years, and now I'm onto baby/parenting books. At the same time, I'm kinda thinking that now's the time for hubby and I to take a long romantic weekend away - while we still can!

I'm not an AP yet, just a hopeful one, but I think it would be great to have someone like you in our (future) child's life. I think the key is whether or not a birthparent's friend is supportive of the adoption. If they are, that person can be a good friend to the adoptive family and child, as well as a resource for the child to ask questions of about the birthfamily if necessary. On the other hand, if a birthparent's friend is upset about the child's adoption and tries to undermine the relationship with the adoptive family, then that person's involvement would not be well received.

Thanks for your encouragement! We had a good time at orientation, especially meeting all the other AP's and birthmoms, and are ready to adopt! Our paperwork was Fedexed to Abrazo yesterday and I guess once our homestudy report is finished (the interviews are done and we "passed" - we're just waiting for the actual written document), they'll start the matching process. In the meantime, I'm enjoying my "pregnancy" - we went to a child safety class last week and are signed up for a newborn care class at our local hospital in June. This weekend, we'll be in the "construction" business - putting together our new crib so we can finish up the nursery!

sschervinskis, I think it's great that you posted here and I agree with Lisa about the Lifemothers site. As a potential adoptive parent, I would much rather know a birthparent had considered all her options first before placing her child for adoption - it's a big sacrifice even as it's an act of uncompromising love for the child. You deserve a great deal of respect! You cannot even know how much you are appreciated by childless couples like those who adopt through Abrazo. Linda

Congratulations Doug and Rhonda! I love hearing stories like yours. Enjoy this time at home with your precious Alana - I hear they grow up fast! Linda

I found this beautiful "letter from God" in the Twenty Things Adopted Kids... book that Abrazo recommended we read. (I cried! It spoke to my heart...) Dear xx and xx, One of My children needs a home - a mother and father who will love her and provide for her. I know how much you wanted to have children. I know the tears and anguish you have experienced. But the only way I could make a place for this child in your home was through the open door of your infertility. I am loaning her to you for a while to take care of. Do the best you know how to do, for she is precious to Me. Someday, when you are gone, I will be her mother and father. She will learn to trust Me and depend on me as she did on you. Thank you for being willing to love My daughter and give her a home on earth. Love, God

Thanks, Garden. I think you are right on - the more we understand about adoption, the better parents we will be to these precious children. After all of this controversy, I picked up and read through "20 Things..." and did not find it overwhelmingly negative or untrue. Having fostered my adopted nephew who has been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I can attest to the difficulty of living with a child who has not dealt with his loss and grief issues early on. What I focused on in the book was the suggestions at the end of each chapter, which I think were very good for the most part...talking about adoption from an early age, holding your baby, creating a Life Book for the child, reassuring them that they were not rejected by their birthparents, having them write letters to their birthparents in order to uncover their feelings, affirming their value, respecting the child's wishes on privacy of their adoption, celebrating their unique biological and/or ethnic heritage, demonstrating empathy, etc. I recognize that I probably have a different perspective than a typical AP. About 20% of my huband and I's combined family are adopted, some from the US and some internationally. Some have had very few adoption issues, while others have had major issues that have had significant consequences in their lives. As a result, I tend to take a perspective of "hope for the best, but prepare for the worst" and agree with Abrazo's general philosophy that love needs to be combined with education.

That's interesting, Lisa. I really liked Secret Thoughts...I read it a couple of years ago when I was newly considering adoption and I appreciated the author's candidness with some of the feelings she had. I think there's so much pressure on AP's to feel they have to be perfect, even more so in the state adoption process (you guys don't have to go through the extensive training - believe me, the Abrazo paperwork is a joyful, carefree walk in the park comparatively! ), that's it's nice to know someone else may have less than perfect thoughts about the whole thing. And since she was adopting transracially, some of her worries about how her family would react were very valid. I agree that different people have different mindsets and you certainly can't take any of the books that are more editorial commentaries as fact. Now the book I had a hard time swallowing (although I have come to grips with it since reading it 2 years ago) is Dear Birthmother. The idea that as an AP, I "can never fully parent" incensed me!! I do not think that is true - anyone think that we as AP's are "incomplete" parents? I like what an AP told me her child to the question of "what is a mom?" and repeated to me on the phone the other day "A mom is the person who wipes your butt!" As much as I love and appreciate the sacrifices birthparents make, and will be forever grateful for their gift of a child to me when I adopt, I don't think their important role diminishes mine! Thoughts from the peanut gallery? Julie and Rick, you didn't know what a great discussion forum you'd be starting, did you?

Julie and Rick, Wow. Since we haven't started the book, we'll be prepared! Thanks for the insight. As stated earlier, I don't think the issues the author addresses are as prevalent in open adoption, and I have read other reviews that states her opinions are far more negative than both. I am assuming that Abrazo asked us to read the book with the intention of educating us on a "worst-case scenario" of our adopted children's feelings later down the road. Linda

Hi Rick and Julie, We just got that book in from Amazon.com the other day, but read through the table of contents. We fostered our adopted nephew for 6 months when he was 17 yrs old and going through a difficult time. I would say he probably felt all of the things described in the book and definitely expressed them in both appropriate and inappropriate ways. We had gone through PRIDE training (it's for people fostering or adopting through the state) beforehand, so we were quite prepared and were able to help him work through some of the feelings he had. That said, our experience with Simon made us realize how beneficial open adoption really is. If they have a relationship with the birthparent(s) they probably have fewer abandonment issues and deal with their feelings about adoption earlier in life. I also think being a part of a great community like Abrazo has got to help them feel less isolated and "different" than their peers because they are surrounded by other adoptees, birthparents and adoptive parents. That's one of the main reason we chose Abrazo as our agency. Grief and loss is an important topic we learned about in PRIDE training. We actually went through an exercise where we looked back at our own losses in life and how we dealt with them, which the social workers felt would help prepare us to help the children. I will tell you that affirming the relationship with the birthparent is very important, but it's nothing to be afraid of. I grew up knowing about and being somewhat fascinated by my birth-grandfather (and we even had a photo of him on our wall) even though my mom was adopted by her stepfather. She had a relationship with her birth family, but it was never the same as her core family. And the more I found out about my BGF, the less I really cared - he wasn't killed "in the war" as I had thought - he was drunk driving (and just happened to be in the army at the time). I'm really glad to have grown up with my granddaddy, who was wonderful (and sober). To date, I have only met one member of my birth-grandfather's family, and that was at my granddaddy's funeral just a few years ago. It's nice to know about my birthfamily, but I value my relationship with the rest of my family more! What do you think about the book?

Hi Julie and Rick, We'll be there too! Where are you coming from? We're in Houston. Linda and Scott

Yea!! We just got our confirmation of our application acceptance and we've been accepted for the May 14 orientation! Isn't the Abrazo saying "It's not if, but when"? Now that's true for us! Linda

Thank you so much for sharing in my excitement! It feels so good to be connected to AP's who have "been there, done that"! I've read about 20 books on adoption over the past few years, but nothing can compare to actually talking with people who have been where you are and actually made it to parenthood! We mailed the application today and will hear back on our acceptance (keep your fingers crossed for us) and the May orientation by around the end of the week. We're also looking at going to the 10-year reunion in Bandera - sounds fun! Lisa - I went on your Web site and saw the photos of Kayleigh. She is adorable! Linda

We are so excited about moving forward with our adoption process. We had a false start a couple of years ago and decided at the time to wait for some circumstances to work themselves out. Elizabeth was just absolutely wonderful in encouraging us in our situation (we were fostering our 17-year-old emotionally disturbed nephew for 6 months) and made us feel so connected to Abrazo. We are now finished with our current application, starting our home study a week from tomorrow, and hoping to go to the May orientation. We have been married for 10 years and have really struggled to have a child - I can't believe we are going to finally be able to have one! I am so grateful for this agency. Linda and Scott